plot-twist in 2014

it's almost a half of the year and i've been trough the ups and downs i've never gotten in the past. i am fully thankful to Allah who gave me this kind of thrills that i never expected before. but to be truth, living day by day, wondering, praying, enjoying and also being surprised of what's coming isn't that easy, and that's what makes my life seems wonderful.

family: there was a point in early 2014 that i thought, my family was perfect. perfect as individuals and as a whole. but then turned out i saw the flaws both in the persons and the connections between us. it wasnt easy to finally realize that it's pretty much normal to have family with a lot of flaws, though there's nothing perfect in the whole world. and i finally realized, that in the imperfections of themselves, in their struggling to make a good family, they will always be my best support system. ever.

friends: years ago, i was in the lowest point of what-so-called friendship. i lost my faith on that, i hate those things, and all. but slowly, it's all gone by the comings of my best friends in high school. did they try to change me? not explicitly. i was just feel loved that i felt like i have a strength to fix myself. then i finally could believe in other human. but the things got little messy in the end of 2013, which made me a bit shattered. so in the early 2014 i was about to lose all the connections with friends. i was so arrogant that i thought i could live alone. but the fact was, i was really miserable living that life. then that was the time i once talked to my best friend, said anything i held back, and felt relieved. that was the time i finally realized that, the real best friend is one of the God's biggest blessings in life. the one that i should take care of.

love: i was sooo focused on myself and others that i thought i had least care on the lovey dovey thingies, until my life broke all in once, in the not-so-early 2014. then that was the guy who had always been there, the one that no matter how ugly i treated him, he still stayed. and i realized that he may the only guy who could do that. who could be nice and all without me being insecure of his existence. then after a lot of disconnections, i tried, again. and soon after i took that decision, i felt the same, old, disconnection i always had with him. it's not something about him, nor something about me (as i always questioning this to Sandy: why i always failed in a realtionship?). it was something between us that is just not connected. im such an idealistic. however how stupid it sounds, i believe there would be someone who i could bear with no matter what, just because i feel connected. some poet may call it chemistry. so i thought, i should let him know and try to let go, let go of himself, let go of the future image of us being happy, someday (cs i thought we both would eventually change and be connected). then i felt a bit frustrated of failing again. and since i dont know when, someone comes along. :)

academic, career, future: i've always had solid image in my mind about the future me. not until i talked about this with a person few days ago, not until i saw a tedx video, that i realized, that the thing we imagined now about 5 years or 10 years later may be not relevant with the future 'now' anymore. that the ability to imagine the future is the prove of human's lacking of imagination, bcs we may fail to imagine the real us in the next 10 years, said the tedx video. this year, is the year i felt really energized, and hopeless, and full of visions, and failed, and all. i was feel like i was so helpless... this semester i finally realized that im no longer holding cumlaude gpa and how hard it is to raise it. this broke all my future-self imagination. i had the spirit, then i failed, i burnt out. i felt like i've done all the things i could do but still, the result wasnt as good as i wanted. but then i prayed, a lot. i read the positive essays/articles of struggling and getting back from failing, and all. not too much, but i try the best to surround myself wih the hard work environment. even it's only zero poin something, i finally got my gpa raised. it's a bit enlightening for me. and about my undergraduate thesis, i was being promised to have the proposal seminar in the early feb, then it was held on until april/mei, then it was cancelled 6 hours before we presented. i almost cried. i'd done 2 revisions by that date, and i was so prepared. i was really dissapointed, until i finally presented my proposal in Mei and i felt like one of the huge rocks on my back was gone. and then i saw my friends one by one did the final thesis seminar. 

it's like this academic/school thingies is a long marathon i should win every lap. (should I, really?) :)

i feel really blessed to survived all the ups and downs, being helped by the family and friends over here, and being calmed down by the prayers i sent or by the way they're sent back to me. :)

bits of the lovely hectic days

im not a big fan of being busy, having too much to do in 24 hours, but that's my routine for the last year and more. now im making the whole yearbook thingies which has so many things to do in such little time, excluding the academic stuff itself.
i will always remember the good old days when i had nothing to do (mostly) in my spare time, hang out with my ex whenever wherever (yes, i've been missing those good old days which can't be returned back. we're socrazily busy and done with trying.), hang out with my high school sweethearts//bestfriends, and all. i miss those all i've been losing those moments in the alst 20s months. wish i could get that back before clinical rotation next year.
yeah, life passes by so fast.

talking so much that my throat hurts

is the thing that i probably do when im with my best friends. best friends here means the ones i shouldnt explain myself nor how things get started. i just talk to them to continue my previous stories. my life. my sister's going outta town for a while. i obviously have no one to talk to. my campus life are super nice but i need to start my long story with 'it started when..' and i have no enough energy to do that.
i know people are busy, have many priorities. some people already have they living diaries, they may not need any other people to be talk to anymore, unlike me. so i start to accept that fact, adapt, and try to move on.
why dont you date a guy, then?
i only want to date a guy who i can talk with about many many many things. i havent found one. or even if i have found him, he's not into me. you know, that's how life rolls.

be always with me, dear Allah.

how to cope with the stress

i was on my lowest point, knowing that some of my goals didnt make it last year. it was depressing though to see that our new year resolution didnt really work. i thought i may not need any of it anymore. but well then i realized i still need goals to have a better directions on how i should live my life, or at least my 12 months life. so i made it. i didnt post it, i only wrote it in my diary (ehm), just because it gets more personal and im not ready to talk about it in public. but anyway, i have few tips on how to cope with the stress since i was reaaaaaalllllyyyy depressed and in a desperation of any help. wish it'll help!

how to cope with the stress

1. stop comparing yourself to others
this thing leads to unhealthy thoughts,obviously. we tend to compare things with the ones we adore; in positive way it makes us have a goal, when the ones we adore tend to be better than us, in most of the things. sometimes, we also see the great things in people we forget to see all the bad things in the 'backstage' that they hide, especially in social media era which people can share anything they want (probably only the good).
we are made original. we have different characters and abilities; we have our own capability and personal achievement, so stop comparing yourself.

2. remember the good things that you've got, be grateful!
sometimes we forget that we still have a lot of great things that people dont have. simply like a mother, a father, siblings, best friends, and all. or if you dont have any of it, you still have health, a few rupiah, food, pretty clothes, fancy bags, or even experiences. there must be some things that you have but others dont. something that you take for granted when the others want it badly. remember. there will be, obviously.

3. have personal goals
when we have certain goals personally, we will be soo focused that we forget the other things, including the stress thingie. dont stop until you got there. dont stop even you're tired. if you stop when you tired, you'll think about the hard works and not-getting-there-already thingies and it'll lead to stress. just doooo your best! and remember, personal goal means personal, it should never be about anyone else but you:)

4. get closer to the ones you believe and the ones that believe in you
getting closer to God helps me so much. like how i believe that Allah loves me much that He would never upset me with His plan with my life, and all. and getting closer to family also a HUGE help. they love me no matter what, believe in me fully even i failed for times. this brings us to a grateful feelings, brings back the love, and makes us stronger than before. really.

hope these little tips help! goodluck:)

imperfection

sometimes you just lose. it just happens. :)

"Berbuatlah, karena masing-masing akan diarahkan kepada tujuan penciptanya"

H.R. Ahmad

a series of failures in such a beautiful month

i'm a bit dramatic person, i over-think most of the things, so this might be one of those little stuff that i hyperbole: but i thought i got a series of failures in this early December. a little thing like how i failed on my toefl exams (my score got 30 points lower than what i got in the last 6 months.), and how i...

but wait.
am i the only one who feel upset, feel bad about myself, feel like less worthy each time i didnt succeed?
i think im not.

i mean... well let's say i think too much and i keep my negativity too tight; but i know im not the only one who feel this way. though i have an almost perfect life, there will always be something that i didn't feel grateful about. or in this case, there are few things that i dont feel grateful enough.

after i read few sectons on The Psychology Book, i always try to remembering myself that: everytime you feel bad or good, your memories about that emotion come to you. when you feel sad, you tend to remember the bad things and when you feel happy you tend to remember more about happy things.
then i thought, it might be only my memories, hallucinations, and actually i didnt fail much.

but i do fail on few things. bcs i thought i didnt deserve it in the first place, bcs i didnt work hard enough for it, bcs i didnt put my focus on it, and bcs God didnt let me to for His own reason that only God understands.
so i keep believing, i keep on having a faith: that someday life will turn into really beautiful 'till i cant speak any single word to describe. someday, life will be that pretty.

December lately

Back to December. the last month of the year. the month when we say "omg i dont believe this year has gone this fast" most frequently. the month when we try hard to remember what happened in a year, and wishing things in the next year. maybe it doesnt work on other people, but at least it works that way on me.

in 2013 i dated the guy that had been there since i was in my first year in college and had an on-off relationship through the year, i volunteered as a committee in some events as i joined some organizations back in 2012, i stayed with IFL even i said for times i wouldnt be with them for the next year, i resigned from AI Magz (and now considering to get back with that job:")), i read MANY books and bought them and let myself became poor....., i did exercise more regularly than ever, i went to such great gigs saw my favorite bands, i launched an online store with my best friend (even i never thought i was this brave to do that such a thing), i applied to many things that i had to make many motivation letters, i had done my first 3 chapters of my final paper (!!!!!), i became a part in my Lecturer's research as a part of my final paper and did soooo many research-y works, etc, etc, etc.

but other than that, there were also some changes in 2013. in 2013, i found out that it is completely better to be alone than to be the ones who make you feel bad about yourselves, i found out that being with the ones that really love you and support you and know you well gives the best feelings no word can describe, i found out that having best friends is such a luxury thing and it may break but real best friends know how to get back, i found out that family is such a diamond and im more than lucky for having them around, i found out that i aint as discipline and determined as i used to but im working on it, i found out that the first step will always be the hardest, i found out that being such positive person needs extra effort but it's surely worth it, i found out that our duty is to control ourselves and treat people right while how other people treat us is none of our business nor the thing we should consider, i found out that we will make mistakes and screw up and fuck up and disappoint people but we don't fail we just have to figure out how to fix them, i found out that i only need to apologize when i do wrong not when things go wrong, i found out that forgiving people is really really freeing and need extra work to remember that we may also make mistakes (see the previous sentence), and most of all, i found out that Allah's help is near. i found out that the One that will never leave me no matter what, the One that will love me and only will give me the best, is Allah.

2013 has been a great year but its glory will be continue yet get bigger in the next year. amen.
Thank You, Allah for your blessings. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.

Inside my bag

This is what i've been carrying on my school bag ( or campus bag?) 

1. Classic faux leather tote bag in black. Moms' treasure♥

2. Mineral bottle. Prevent dehydration!!!

3. Purse. $$

4. Books; agenda and lecture notes (love them much they're sooo cute!)

5. Rukuh. My prayer stuff in pink color <3

6. Pencil case. 

7. A little pocket to keep some stationaries like post-it, tiny notes, flashdisk, etc.

8. Another little-but-bigger pocket to carry some kind of cosmetics or female life saving like tissue, hand sanitizer, etc. 

Plus textbooks and lab coat on another bag. Yes i carry 2 bags. Daily. Or one superbig backpack.

Whats yours?:)

weekend, finally!

that's my kind of days lately due to block exams. honestly, this block was exhausted. not-so-good grades but it thought i deserved it. i mean, look, i didnt study as hard as the previous block due to horrible time management i had, i wasnt ready for that much of works. well.....

but anyway, i thought a lot about myself, also, lately. i had a one disastrous moment few weeks ago. i've had lost my faith on certain things, certain people, and that disastrous moment crashed it one more time. i almost had nothing left. well i have a detachment theory of myself. i was bullied by my own bestfriends since i was in elementary school. it's not that i am now not being friends with them. but really, i cant just forget that. i lost my faith on myself. im insecure about almost anything. and i hardly trust people now.

and now, every time i get hurt, i wouldn't let that person do it further, so i detach with that person. even for any kind of small mistake. i realized that the reason i got hurt was because i was too attached with that person. so i decided to put a space, one step, two step, three step, and further to prevent any major wound in the future. i thought it was a right thing to do, to give up on other easily, until i realized something...
that maybe i also hurt someone else before, a small, unintended one, but really really hurt that person, and that person decided to forgive me and forget about it instead. unlike me that hard to forgive, even forget a tiny little mistake that others had done to me, without them knowing what they've done wrong.

i know this isnt right. but i can do nothing. i dont know how to restore the faith. i just dont know.
im sorry.

and since my days off had begun, welcome to pretty, healthy, nice, free, relaxing days ahead!

Paradox of the day

Siang itu panas banget. Aku masih menunggu puluhan detik lampu merah untuk berganti. Aku melihat sekeliling dan melihat puluhan keranjang warnawarni diikatkan pada sepeda onthel bagian belakang. Lalu aku mengerakkan bolamataku, memperluas pandanganku, menemukan puluhan burung burung gereja yang telah diwarnai.
Entah, aku hanya memikirkan: berapa sih yang bapak ini dapat? Seberapa cukup sih uang itu untuk hidupnya dan keluarganya? Apakah ia pernah terpikir untuk berlibur sejenak?

Lalu beberapa detik kemudian aku mulai memikirkan burung-burung itu. Apakah mereka nyaman? Apakah tidak apa membiarkan mereka diberi zat pewarna, dan bukanya membiarkan warna asalnya memikat para calon pembeli? Pantaskah hewan liar dikandangkan lalu diperjualbelikan? Apakah itu memang salah satu takdir burung liar? Aku asumsikan orang tersebut tidak berternak melainkan menangkap burung liar.

Lalu aku kembali memperluas pandanganku, ia menghisap rokoknya dalam; orang yang berada pada kemudi sepeda onthel itu. Apakah ia sadar, bahwa pundi-pundi rupiah yabg ia kumpulkan bisa terbakar habis oleh penyakit yang ia ciptakan sendiri? Bagaimana jika ia cukup pintar utk mengerti risiko dari rokok, akankah itu mengubah keadaan? Padahal ia naik sepeda kemana-mana menjual burung-burung tersebut, kebiasaan yang sehat bukan?

Menjelang pergantian warna lampu, ia mengayuh sepeda, tak ingin ketinggalan lampu hijau yang juga akan segera berganti. Peluhnya terlihat menetes. Aku melihat kerja keras yang sia-sia dalam satu manusia dalam beberapa detik saja.

being healthy inside & outside

last week, when i was studying for make-up test, i had suffered from major migraine and gastritis. i even broke my fasting in the noon once bcs i couldnt stand the pain. after i got better, i got major dysmenorrhea like i always had each month. dysmenorrhea for me would last for 3-4 days (yes, that cramping pain around your hip). plus my gastritis came again. so when i was doing my test, my stomach was aching and around my hip was cramping. idk how i got through that test, but alhamdulillah :)

and the next week (this week) my parents got heavy flu. my mom couldnt get up from bed for 2 days and my daddy slept more than usual. as there are only three of us living in this house, i took care of them and the house. and soon, i also got fever. 

i get sick easily. that's why i regularly exercise and try to be more thoughtful about what i eat. and these past 2 months i didnt really do that. i mean, i've become lazier to do exercise, to eat more fruits, to drink more mineral water, and to cut un-healthy food as much as i can. and these past 2 months i had 5 or 6 times of sick period. i am that easy to get sick. 

promise myself to get back to my track, to eat healthily, to do more exercise, to feed my thoughts with good things, to feel better and happier about myself. 

i choose to invest my future health since this very moment. this is a commitment i should always remember. 

plateau state of happiness-or-not

i used to cry once in about 3 months (less or more) until dawn. i used to be extremely sad about something once in a while. im so much grateful i dont have to get through that thing anymore. but still, sometimes the absence of happiness makes the sadness slips in. well, we should be grateful and happy about simple things. while im only a beginner learner of that, let's learn to be happier each day :)

goodnight!

meet you again, Ramadhan 2013

Marhaban ya Ramadhan!

alhamdulillah, bisa ketemu bulan Ramadhan lagi tahun ini. alhamdulillah, keluarga masih lengkap bahkan nambah mba fitri dan calon ponakan. alhamdulillah, walaupun sodara nggak ada yang dirumah lagi, tapi masih bisa saur dan buka sama bapak ibu. :)

Ramadhan last year, i got OSCE all in my mind. alhamdulillah, i passed it well =]

and now, my mind's occupied by how medschool took me for these past 2 years. the first year, i focused on myself,  rarely got along with my campus mates. i focused on aimagz, IFL, and my closest best friends. but a friend of mine challenged me: to be more active in campus. so i threw myself to the things i didn't involve before. i joined some organizations and some events as a committee. i knew more people better. i know people's name, people started to recognize me more.

but actually i didnt feel happier. :)

 

my mind's like a full cup of water. with a little shake, it moves hard. i thought my mind had moved so hard this past year. sometimes i forgot what i like, what i really want, what i wanna become and all. i become less focus on myself, i started to lose my self and my connection to God.

my grades are like a downfall in this year. used to get As but now i didnt get any of it. i know, this is me having not-so-good priority management all along. but actually, despite of the sadness after i got those scores, i felt really really thankful cs i never had less than B. i really really mean it. Allah is So Much Kind that He never let me be 'that' sad of my grades. alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah. He's Sooooooo Good:"") well, i didnt study as much, as hard, as i did last year, i know this is me that didnt adapt so far. compared to my other college mates, maybe im left behind, but at least i did what i wanted to do; challenged my self to be more active in campus. now it turns out that i didnt like it much, those weren't as good as i thought. well at least, now i know:) i hope all's getting better next academic year. bismillah:)

i see so manyyyyyyyyyy ambitious people here in my campus. at first it looked challenging and fun. but the more i see, the more i feel not-so-good about them. learnt from my daddy, he got doctoral study but never really intended to be a professor. but i see him as a real engineer. he knows how to fix things, he thinks about most of the things with physics law, or any other scientific proof. i still see him as a great engineer with brain. in other hand, i often see people here, pursuing the things that they may not like. im really really excited to hear the lectures from the ones who are really passionates about the topic they bring, but that's not so often. i even had heard of my skills lab tutor said: "obsgyn is a complex thing, it's hard, you take care of two souls in a body. it's so much risky. hhh... what did i thought when i was taking this?" 

i wish i'll take speciality, or any kind of further study, just because i like it much, not because society says it's great, it's good, or it's fine, not because society says i'm capable of that. 

medschool  requires a lot of extra works, less ego, more tolerant, and most of the time it's art. the art to help the doctors decide what to do, what to prescribe, what to say, to the patient, 'cause medicine is still a cloudy one to be fully discovered. 

i meant it when i said i thought so much about quitting this school, but i couldnt imagine better place than medschool. sigh.

so thankyou, Medschool. for taking me to the place i've never been before, like, cranium, brain nerves, muscles, heart, liver, or even to the place like the drugs between its good and its toxicity, and to the place like law and communication we never thought we needed it. thankyou for the amazing experience, which pushed me to my almost-limit, to prove me that i actually could do the things that i really wanted to do. thank you.

and hello, Ramadhan. semoga Ramadhan taun ini bisa lebih baik ibadahnya, juga lebih khusyu' tanpa sering2 banget buber yang bikin nggak tarawih di masjid itu hehe. amiin:)

5 things to be grateful about yesterday:

1. got not-so-good grade but it's tolerable. despite of my laziness, it's such a good. thank You Allah:)

2. sahoor and iftar with my parents. !!!!:)

3. panen banyak buah dari kebun = bikin sup buah home made and it's organic one!

4. sedikit2 ibadah bisa di tingkatkan:D

5. supportive friendssssssss!!!!!!! got sooo many of 'em :)

alhamdulillah alhamdulillah alhamdulillah..

encouragement

firstly, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANNA!!<3

we never really had an awesome surprise for her, so we decided to make something sweet that she would really happy about. we bough minnie mouse stuffs and made a little sweet party (inspired by Raisa's birthday blast) with pinkish theme and cakes and all in a french-themed caffee. and sit turned out really pretty and she really loved it. so happyyyyyyyy:)

sayangnya, besok ana masih ujian so she decided to gohome and study while the rest (me, ririe, sandy) went to Ririe's home. and after a basic plain convo like others best friends had after a party, we were tired and starved. but then after few weird convo, sandy said, like:

"kamu kenapa e nin?" ok, some parts were missing due to respect for all of those people (including me) lol.
"kenapa e? nggak papa kok."
"nggak biasanyakamu gini."
"wahahhaha"  ririe ketawa2 aja. actually that missing line was the key of all those things but... i dont feel like writing it here.

"you know, now all people are in relationships, whether it makes them happy or not, whether the relationship goes well or not and all. and i've never been good at it. like, every girls turn into beautiful creatures after they went to some beauty clinics or went to doctors. im not that kind of girls with lots of cash to burn at those things while i know it's temporary. and those girls can pick the one they like to be with. they have a lot of options. while me, i dont think i have, i get trapped in a school with alot of things to study,  a lot of things to do, it's like. gah.... you know.. i think im not good enough."

"really? it's only about beauty?"

"you're pretty, Nin. compared to xxx (my ex-crush's girlfriend), you're way prettier. but sometimes things get complicated. like how boys feel tiny about your study. medical student.. geez."

"and any others. but well, you're loved. look, how many guys you'd dumped so far?"

"they came from high school, please.."

"you just didnt see. *him and him*, they might like you at certain points but they just didnt date you."

"but that's the point! why they didnt wanna date me?"

"oh come on.... even there's any good reason, it would never be about your appereance. you're fine. ok?"

"you're way overthinking, nin.."

"that's why i need to be with you guys to keep my sanity..."

"and you're kinda complicated if it's about relationship. admit it."

"but well, a whole good looking person isn't all about the pretty face, Nin. we've talked about this. it's about confidence."

"yaps, we've discussed it. like, how a girl can wear anything she liked without looked like a joke because she's simply confidence with herself. it's true and you know it."

"yes, i know.."

"plus, the suggestion. like how you said that girl is reaaaaaalllyyy pretty? and we just believed it, as you said it for thousand times. but you know, turned out she's not that pretty. i asked my boyfie and he said like : she's not that pretty. she's ok, she's fine, but that's it. and now i see her, like my boyfie sees her. she's fine and good but not as ultimately pretty as you always said. sometimes, you should stop praising others and start to praise yourself. it works, you know."

*the original convo used Bahasa Indonesia and Boso Jowo.*

that kind of conversation that i might never replace with any other thing. i love them to the moon and back i dont lie. i love you guys, Sandy&Ririe.

i hate to always talk about this, but i was a girl with such a great confidence. until some people felt like out-shined by me, and started to bully me. and i thought i was never be good. i read about the perfect figure of a human and i tried my best to be that person. and now i still feel like im not good enough. im not pretty enough.
and my convo with them was a whole lot longer than that. now i've committed my self to believe myself more, to love the person in the mirror most. to stop being envious about anything in anyone. bismillah:)

then we saw hitam putih nadya hutagalung and dian sastro edition. that wassss reallyyyyyyyyy good i wanna cry:") their thoughts were so strong, and what they've talked about was all about being in peace. they worked hard, stay pretty (but both still felt like they aint pretty ?!), stay positive and tried to spread more positiveness all around. aaah...... im so much inspired, and even if it sounds cheesy, but i really reallllllyyyyy love themmmmmm eversince!
i love the positive attitude and mind, their goals, and how they make a better life for themselves and others. aaa:)


we three saw eatbulaga's videos (the supperrrrr funnyyyy ones!) and laughed real hard, had little gossips and shared some captured memories from the days we hadn't met. after almost-three weeks of not meeting them, that day was an awesome one. i had a real quality time with them. im so blessed to have best friends like them. :)
and we also talked about Ririe's leaving in next two months.

"you know, im also sad about that. i mean, im all excited, but at the same time i'm afraid, im sad to leave those i love here, including you guys. bet there i would be kind of lonely without you guys." Ririe said.

despite of her new life in college, her busy schedule, her heavy assignments, i appreciate how she tried to always make time for us. i'm really really really gonna miss her..................................



and i just realized that im like the other girls. i have doubts and insecurities, but i also have the sisterhood that strengthens me and helps me to grow better.

alhamdulillah, Thank You, Allah for all of these blessings. alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah. :)

cheerish the moment!

*just done reading The Magic, worth to read!:)*

5 things about 10th June 2013

my new favorite place that i visited last week !  with such a sweet interior :)

1. i only have one class (two hours) but i brought a huge bag instead. i prepared to swim after class but then i have a sudden meeting. which is such a dissapointing.. cs i miss swimming real bad! then im the only one attendant from my division. ok.
2. i have so many todolist im starting to be confused. i took many many many responsibilities in the second year, but i wanna be great in all. i mean it's not about me. it's about the responsibility that's tied to my name. i dont have a plan to ruin my own reputation if i have any. i started to miss my old lazy days.
3. im stressedout about academics. im starting to make a whole clearer plan about my academics and i have somuchtodolist also to make it true. and God, i have somanytodolist also from my works and volunteering and others so yeah... plus i need to hang with some friends also once in a while.
4. i have a huge admiration for those who can keep their relationship balance with a good harmony for such a long time. ok this explains much.
5. im a todolist junkie i forgot how much i wrote about it.

but anyway, im so much thankful for the days i have today, and yesterday, and the last few days, few weeks, few months, even maybe for tomorrow. i mean, the healthy body, the salary, the knowledge, the inspiration, the people,all the things are just beautifully complete me. i'm in a happy state now:)
been jogging and running for min. 3x per week with an app for android (myrunmap, nike+, etc) so i keep motivated and i can see the summary of my work out. plus now im doing yoga once a week in campus, again! well, these habits makes me really careful about what i eat 'cs the work outs i do wont help if i didnt balance with my healthy diet. let's shape a better, healthier generation!:)
have a nice day!

take a gap year

"And for years, we've seen these students complete their gap years and return to college more focused, mature, and ready to learn. Now, new research is beginning to corroborate our observations -- by showing that students who take gap years outperform their peers throughout college."
"In a study of students at Middlebury College in Vermont, Robert Clagett -- a former dean of admissions at the school -- found that gap year participants graduated with higher GPAs than those of their peers."

"Most [incoming college] students, in my experience, don't really know what they're passionate about," Knight said. "And if you don't know what you want, then getting it becomes that much more difficult."

"Even elite universities like Harvard, Princeton, and the University of North Carolina are encouraging students to consider taking a year off before matriculation. Princeton's Bridge Year Program, for example, annually awards tens of scholarships to incoming freshmen to fund gap-year programs in Brazil, China, India, Peru, and Senegal."


"Without the gap year, I wouldn't have had the experience of knowing that it's okay to start something without knowing what you're doing," Michael told me. "I'm not sure what kinds of friends I'll have in college, or what kinds of groups I'll be a part of. But I'm ready to take more leaps."

because you know, they may have wandered around, experienced real strange things outta there, learn to face the real life or just have seen much, and now they're ready to sit still, listen to the lecture.

while me, here, barely listening to those doctors with my mind wanders around.

summer project 2012 by ninoscha

What so much interesting about this summer project was that this idea had came out 2-more years ago, when me and Dissa got so much less thing to do and we both loved all the beauty things in frame. and the awesome things happened in last summer.

to find a great escape long way out of city, to play hide and seek with the sun, to have a race with the sun shines, and all; all was great. my summer wasnt boring at all

i forgot how to use photoshop so i didnt do much edit on these photos but resize and crop. they're not fantastic, not great; i aint a good photographer, but.. i had so much fun to take shoots, prepare it all, find great colors on it, and all. 

Thank you, Irene (model), Dissa (partner), and Sandy (mate). :)

jujur//nulis

ada yang ngerasa nggak my latest post kayak nggak jujur? padahal aku nulis itu untuk berusaha jujur sejujur-jujurnya. or it's the type of the writings, yah.. aku bukan tipe orang menulis dengan tata cara event by event tapi aku seperti memaksakan menceritakan segalanya so my post will look moreeeee factual. i feel not right when i read that post, feel like wanna erase it, but, i let it be. i let it be my foot print that i've once been fool enough to act like somthing aint me.
doesnt mean what i've written is a lie. it was true. i have that emotional problem.
but my writings that lied. it's not my type:p

sambil nulis ini, sambil menghentikan pekerjaan, sambil mendengarkan fix you nya coldplay ditemani angin sepoy hari minggu.

setelah aku sadar bahwa aku punya permasalahan dalam kontrol emosi, aku jadi lebih aware, conscious, terhadap apa yang aku rasain. akhir-akhir ini, aku nemuin beberapa temen yang kurang bisa dipegang omongannya. seharian aku cuma bisa ngamuk2 nggak jelasdi dalem hati. imbasnya, aku jadi nggak produktif dan diem, dan nyentak siapapun yang sangat ganggu. tapi buat aku itu lebih baik dibanding aku show it off ke orang2, ngelabrakin satu-satu via bbm, nyindir abis-abisan via twitter, like what i did in past few years. aku nonton video TEDx, youtube lagu-lagu, liat desain-desain kamar, buat hiasan kamar baru, just to feel better. well, i felt slightly better, but im not ok.
i finally let go. instead of labeling them as friends then i feel disappointed all over again, i'd rather leave them alone.

my one of favorite bedroom ideas:D

sadar bahwa something's not ok here helps me to find a way to feel better in a good way. i'm not ok, and i will never pretend as im ok anymore. it's.. for me.. sometimes it helps me to not over-drama things, but also, at times, i need to know that something is not right and i have an obligation to fix it, anw.

sadar. sadar. sadar.

dan aku baru sadar aku sudah 2 blok ini nggak bikin agenda harian. super sigh. dari observasiku thdp diriku sendiri, dengan agenda, kita jadi terpacu untuk do things right, one at a time, finish all the task, be productive. tapi emang agak agak ribet sih untuk design what to do tomorrow dan cek lagi in the end of the day apa yang sudah kita achieve. but it's worth it so i wanna make one for more:D

what i've been doing during the holiday :

see ya in another loong weekend! i've had an awesome one anw:)

coffee talk

another coffee talk with Sandy.
kira-kira jam 1 siang, waktu kita berdua udah jenuh sama kerjaan masing-masing.
ngomongin semuanya...

ada bling bling merah di bb, aku baca bbm yang baru masuk dan mukaku langsung berubah..
"San.. males banget.. kenapa sih dia.. aku udah males banget."

"kamu tuh kenapa sih nin? dulu suka, dulu biasa aja, sekarang segitunya. emang dia salah apa sih ke kamu?"

"ya nggak salah apa-apa.. tapi ya males aja. tolong dong udah.."

"jahat banget sih.."

"ya gimana, perasaanku nggak enak, males, tiba-tiba jadi panik deg-deg an mual in a negative way."

"kok sampe segitunya tuh kenapa?"

"nggak tau..."

"kenapa ya nin, kamu itu bisa labil banget. inget nggak waktu nunggu sms balesan dari xxx? heboh banget, takut nggak dibales, tau-tau brapa menit kemudian di bales? sekarang ini.. semua mantan-mantanmu nggak ada yang baik-baik. kenapa coba?"

aku diem.. 2 hari yang lalu aku emang baru nyadar, it's like something's wrong with me. aku seheboh itu kalo ada sesuatu.. lalu tiba-tiba beberapa saat kemudian bisa jadi super sedih.. nggak ngerti. waktu itu H-1 tentamen, aku ngerasa hal itu nge ganggu banget, dan baru sadar, ini nggak bener.

" iya ya San, kenapa ya.. hmm aku sih ngerasa pribadiku agak bermasalah sejak aku di bully, ya sebelum di bully juga bermasalah sih.. tapi beda. kalo soal cowo-cowo itu.. apa ya.. mungkin self defense? soalnya waktu putus semuanya bikin aku gnerasa worthless and it's like 'no no more..' sign?"

"hmm... masa sih? itu defense atas apa? kamu pernah diapain emang?"

"nggak diapa-apain, cuma dibikin ngerasa worthless aja dan aku nggak mau ngerasain lagi jadi aku mungkin scr nggak sadar ngelindunginnya gitu.."

"ngelindungin atau ngehindarin?"

"hehehe nggak tau ya.. tapi emang tiba-tiba sama mereka, sama siapapun yang udah-udah, pasti ada perasaan yang nggak nyaman banget. bete tiba-tiba. nggak tau deh.."

lalu kita balik ke kerjaan masing-masing, atau berusaha terlihat seperti itu, karena rasanya otak kita masih mikirin hal yang sama. nggak sampai 5 menit kemudian Sandy nanya,

"kamu tau nggak dulu kenapa kamu dulu di bully?"

"tau kok, cuma ya aneh aja. kalo mereka bener-bener gk suka aku, kenapa mereka gk ninggalin aku sok aku gk ada aja instead malah repot2 bikin hidupku miserable."

dan kita pun terjebak di keheningan masing-masing. aku tau, sandy lagi berusaha keras mengerti, ataupun menganalisis.

"tapi masa iya, abis kamu di bully? sebelumnya emang nggak pernah labil kayak gini? sebelum-belumnya? aku tuh nggak percaya e nin sama semata-mata takdir, pasti ada sesuatu dibelakangnya.."
lalu aku diem lagi.. mikir..

"mm..."

aku pun flashback

"dulu waktu ayahku sekolah di luar, mama emang agak banyak pikiran, jadi lebih galak, aku sering ngambek. tapi ya biasa aja. mulai agak parah waktu selesai kelas aksel. mulai kelas 4 aku bosen belajar, maunya nonton tv, dan hampir tiap hari marahan sama mbakku atau mamaku. aku sampe harus banting pintu, lempar semua barang di meja belajar, sampe akulebih dimarain lagi gara-gara itu. terus, aku ganti jadi ngerusak buku. aku pegang pensil kuat-kuat, terus nyobek-nyobek buku pake pensil itu. hmm..
terus aku suka nulis diary.. waktu kunci gembok diariku ilang, terus aku coba utak atik pake cutter, tanganku kena, aku malah mijitin tanganku biar darahnya tambah keluar.. aku juga sering garukin lengan bawah atau cubitin, biar sakitnya di dada ilang..."

"kok serem sih nin..," aku seneng, sandy bukanya natap aku serem, tapi lebih kearah: kok bisa sih..

"hehehe nggak tau dulu.. dari dulu aku gitu. setelah di bully itu aku juga pasti ngalamin 2 bulan stress banget, ngerasa worthless, sedih tiap hari, dll. itu siklus san, balik lagi.... aku ngga terbiasa ngatur emosi, aku lebih ke mengekspresikannya jadi less destructive. makanya sekarang aku suka nulis, itu bantu aku ekspressin emosi dengan lebih baik.."

"aneh ya nin, dimana-mana itu orang ngatur emosi, kamu malah diatur sama emosi."

"iya, San. aku lagi sadar kok, lagi pengen usaha. doain aja."


sampai rumah, aku browsing. penasaran aja, aku tuh kenapa.. udah lama pengen cari tau, tapi emang baru sempat in the name of tentamen preparation. it was Friday and i browsed all day long and here's the thing i found when i googled about myself:

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) (called emotionally unstable personality disorder, borderline type in the ICD-10) is a personality disorder marked by a prolonged disturbance of personality function, characterized by unusual variability and depth of moods. These moods may secondarily affect cognition and interpersonal relations. 
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image and affects, as well as marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, excessive spending, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars or picking at oneself (excoriation).
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness
8. Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms

yang aku bold adalah yang aku pernah rasain. saya nggak yakin saya diagnosed BPD clinically, tapi saya merasakan hal-hal tersebut, dan memang dari dulu aku udah ngerasa it's not right. aku sekarang jadi penakut karena dulu keberanianku selalu jadi bahan bully, salah mulu... dulu aku juga hobi banget sedih dan ngerasa nggak berharga. labil banget, gampang banget seneng dan sedih. nggak bisa kontrol emosi. dan kalo orang liat aku hiperaktif, bukan apa-apa, tapi emang didalem hatiku itu perasaannya meletup-letup dan perlu dikeluarkan.

aku nggak mau terus-terusan berlindung dibalik excuse i'd been bullied, aku rasa mungkin aku yang terlalu dimanja waktu kecil, gen, dan lingkungan bisa bikin fluktuasi emosiku nggak sehat. mungkin malah kejadian bully itu bantu aku untuk nggak neko-neko. tapi yang aku tau, keadaan emosiku memang belum baik.

sampai beberapa hari yang lalu aku sadar.

aku mungkin udah jarang ngerasain 'chronic feeling of emptiness', tapi aku masih nggak bisa ngatur anger dan  instability due to mood, aku mudah sekali terpengaruh sama 'sentilan' diluar. aku masih tidak terbiasa untuk mengontrol emosiku, aku hanya tau cara mengekspresikan emosiku dengan lebih baik.





kenapa saya sejujur ini bikin tulisan di blog? karena akhirnya saya lega, lega bahwa mungkin saya memang belum baik dalam mengontrol emosi, tapi saya toh akhirnya tau. tau bahwa saya masih butuh memperbaikinya, tau bahwa mungkin aku pernah mengalami disorder tertentu, bahwa aku butuh memperbaiki sesuatu disini.

karena self acceptance itu sebegitu melegakannya.

aku ingin orang lain juga ikut sadar atas keadaan dirinya... apapun itu, sadari, perbaiki.
aku juga lagi berusaha kok, yuk bareng:)

hiburan

ok this is sooo funny if you understand and feel it urself!