a series of failures in such a beautiful month

i'm a bit dramatic person, i over-think most of the things, so this might be one of those little stuff that i hyperbole: but i thought i got a series of failures in this early December. a little thing like how i failed on my toefl exams (my score got 30 points lower than what i got in the last 6 months.), and how i...

but wait.
am i the only one who feel upset, feel bad about myself, feel like less worthy each time i didnt succeed?
i think im not.

i mean... well let's say i think too much and i keep my negativity too tight; but i know im not the only one who feel this way. though i have an almost perfect life, there will always be something that i didn't feel grateful about. or in this case, there are few things that i dont feel grateful enough.

after i read few sectons on The Psychology Book, i always try to remembering myself that: everytime you feel bad or good, your memories about that emotion come to you. when you feel sad, you tend to remember the bad things and when you feel happy you tend to remember more about happy things.
then i thought, it might be only my memories, hallucinations, and actually i didnt fail much.

but i do fail on few things. bcs i thought i didnt deserve it in the first place, bcs i didnt work hard enough for it, bcs i didnt put my focus on it, and bcs God didnt let me to for His own reason that only God understands.
so i keep believing, i keep on having a faith: that someday life will turn into really beautiful 'till i cant speak any single word to describe. someday, life will be that pretty.

December lately

Back to December. the last month of the year. the month when we say "omg i dont believe this year has gone this fast" most frequently. the month when we try hard to remember what happened in a year, and wishing things in the next year. maybe it doesnt work on other people, but at least it works that way on me.

in 2013 i dated the guy that had been there since i was in my first year in college and had an on-off relationship through the year, i volunteered as a committee in some events as i joined some organizations back in 2012, i stayed with IFL even i said for times i wouldnt be with them for the next year, i resigned from AI Magz (and now considering to get back with that job:")), i read MANY books and bought them and let myself became poor....., i did exercise more regularly than ever, i went to such great gigs saw my favorite bands, i launched an online store with my best friend (even i never thought i was this brave to do that such a thing), i applied to many things that i had to make many motivation letters, i had done my first 3 chapters of my final paper (!!!!!), i became a part in my Lecturer's research as a part of my final paper and did soooo many research-y works, etc, etc, etc.

but other than that, there were also some changes in 2013. in 2013, i found out that it is completely better to be alone than to be the ones who make you feel bad about yourselves, i found out that being with the ones that really love you and support you and know you well gives the best feelings no word can describe, i found out that having best friends is such a luxury thing and it may break but real best friends know how to get back, i found out that family is such a diamond and im more than lucky for having them around, i found out that i aint as discipline and determined as i used to but im working on it, i found out that the first step will always be the hardest, i found out that being such positive person needs extra effort but it's surely worth it, i found out that our duty is to control ourselves and treat people right while how other people treat us is none of our business nor the thing we should consider, i found out that we will make mistakes and screw up and fuck up and disappoint people but we don't fail we just have to figure out how to fix them, i found out that i only need to apologize when i do wrong not when things go wrong, i found out that forgiving people is really really freeing and need extra work to remember that we may also make mistakes (see the previous sentence), and most of all, i found out that Allah's help is near. i found out that the One that will never leave me no matter what, the One that will love me and only will give me the best, is Allah.

2013 has been a great year but its glory will be continue yet get bigger in the next year. amen.
Thank You, Allah for your blessings. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.

Inside my bag

This is what i've been carrying on my school bag ( or campus bag?) 

1. Classic faux leather tote bag in black. Moms' treasure♥

2. Mineral bottle. Prevent dehydration!!!

3. Purse. $$

4. Books; agenda and lecture notes (love them much they're sooo cute!)

5. Rukuh. My prayer stuff in pink color <3

6. Pencil case. 

7. A little pocket to keep some stationaries like post-it, tiny notes, flashdisk, etc.

8. Another little-but-bigger pocket to carry some kind of cosmetics or female life saving like tissue, hand sanitizer, etc. 

Plus textbooks and lab coat on another bag. Yes i carry 2 bags. Daily. Or one superbig backpack.

Whats yours?:)

weekend, finally!

that's my kind of days lately due to block exams. honestly, this block was exhausted. not-so-good grades but it thought i deserved it. i mean, look, i didnt study as hard as the previous block due to horrible time management i had, i wasnt ready for that much of works. well.....

but anyway, i thought a lot about myself, also, lately. i had a one disastrous moment few weeks ago. i've had lost my faith on certain things, certain people, and that disastrous moment crashed it one more time. i almost had nothing left. well i have a detachment theory of myself. i was bullied by my own bestfriends since i was in elementary school. it's not that i am now not being friends with them. but really, i cant just forget that. i lost my faith on myself. im insecure about almost anything. and i hardly trust people now.

and now, every time i get hurt, i wouldn't let that person do it further, so i detach with that person. even for any kind of small mistake. i realized that the reason i got hurt was because i was too attached with that person. so i decided to put a space, one step, two step, three step, and further to prevent any major wound in the future. i thought it was a right thing to do, to give up on other easily, until i realized something...
that maybe i also hurt someone else before, a small, unintended one, but really really hurt that person, and that person decided to forgive me and forget about it instead. unlike me that hard to forgive, even forget a tiny little mistake that others had done to me, without them knowing what they've done wrong.

i know this isnt right. but i can do nothing. i dont know how to restore the faith. i just dont know.
im sorry.

and since my days off had begun, welcome to pretty, healthy, nice, free, relaxing days ahead!

Paradox of the day

Siang itu panas banget. Aku masih menunggu puluhan detik lampu merah untuk berganti. Aku melihat sekeliling dan melihat puluhan keranjang warnawarni diikatkan pada sepeda onthel bagian belakang. Lalu aku mengerakkan bolamataku, memperluas pandanganku, menemukan puluhan burung burung gereja yang telah diwarnai.
Entah, aku hanya memikirkan: berapa sih yang bapak ini dapat? Seberapa cukup sih uang itu untuk hidupnya dan keluarganya? Apakah ia pernah terpikir untuk berlibur sejenak?

Lalu beberapa detik kemudian aku mulai memikirkan burung-burung itu. Apakah mereka nyaman? Apakah tidak apa membiarkan mereka diberi zat pewarna, dan bukanya membiarkan warna asalnya memikat para calon pembeli? Pantaskah hewan liar dikandangkan lalu diperjualbelikan? Apakah itu memang salah satu takdir burung liar? Aku asumsikan orang tersebut tidak berternak melainkan menangkap burung liar.

Lalu aku kembali memperluas pandanganku, ia menghisap rokoknya dalam; orang yang berada pada kemudi sepeda onthel itu. Apakah ia sadar, bahwa pundi-pundi rupiah yabg ia kumpulkan bisa terbakar habis oleh penyakit yang ia ciptakan sendiri? Bagaimana jika ia cukup pintar utk mengerti risiko dari rokok, akankah itu mengubah keadaan? Padahal ia naik sepeda kemana-mana menjual burung-burung tersebut, kebiasaan yang sehat bukan?

Menjelang pergantian warna lampu, ia mengayuh sepeda, tak ingin ketinggalan lampu hijau yang juga akan segera berganti. Peluhnya terlihat menetes. Aku melihat kerja keras yang sia-sia dalam satu manusia dalam beberapa detik saja.

Productive Saturday

I had a rough week. Not only this week but the previous one was also rough. Pulmonary and  Cardiovascular Complaint block in 5 weeks is just tooooooo heavy. So in the middle of doing homeworks, i seek for happiness; watch organizing&back to school supplies videos on youtube. Im so much obsessed wih organizing i bought soooo many agenda, labels, highlighters, and all just to be organized. I also love decorating which really connected wih organized stuffs. So after i watched like 5 or 10 videos of organizing tips, this mornig i started my organizing project. I had my major organizing project once when i read the happiness project. It tells the  importance of tidy up the room, make more spaces, etc. I was really inspired so i tidy up my boxes, my desk, and all in my room including my closet. It was a major one so what i did this morning was just a little thing.

I whased 5 of my shoes, tidy up 3 racks, and even paint my own box so it'd look good. Im soooooooooooo happpy that i could do soo much thing in like 2 or 3 hours, feeling so much productive and love my room even more. I planned to go out to study but then i feel like i'll more comfortable in my room (plus i dont need to pay 20k to have a coffee which i can make myself).

Really. It feels really good to have some organizing project for urself!:)

well.

Smart girls are the overthinkers, the insecure ones, the different ones. They know what the real 

world is like. They analyze every little thing in life. Why? To avoid getting hurt. To find happiness. 

They stay up at night trying to think about every possible situation to get through all the problems. 

They think too much. They trust fewer people. Their insecurity proves their respect toward 

themselves. Of course they try to live away from a drama-filled life. Smart girls know their worth. 

Now those are the ones worth keeping by your side.

many things happens but none to write

i think the tittle says it all. i dont feel any kind of emotion lately.i have plans, plenty of it, and im working on it. that's where my heart is. not on people, not on situation, not on past, nor on future. im doing what's im looking at.

liar.

i obviously have many things in my mind but i dont wanna destruct anything right now. i wanna be peaceful at the moment. i dont think anything that makes me worry. well i think about it but i always try to get rid of it.

it's near December, my other favorite month! :)

hello, midnight shadow!:)

hello midnight shadow.
i miss you.
you slipped in my dream last night and we talked like we used to. why didnt you see me when im awake?

i remember when i knew you at first time. you asked few things. you were another stranger i met at the certain time. i never expected that you could be one of those guys that i could really talk to. we told story about past and present, also nearly future. we talked about our anxiety and expectation. we talked about personal things even we'd known only for such a short amount of time. i felt like nothing to lose; you're shadow, you aint real, you're like my treasure box; you kept my things, my stories, even the darkest and the brightest one at that moment.

but no, we didnt talk that much, actually. we only have midnight; when i was awake, when you were coming. and you know what midnight does to human brain? it leads to our deepest thoughts. so i only talked about deep things, which for me was really really good (but maybe for you it's boring). i forgave you for being only a shadow, 'cause you're the only one i could talk to about that kind of things.

i remember when we talked about some kind of movies and i asked you about your favorite movie;that movie. when i only remembered about Kate Winslet plus her total red hair and the running-from-one-frame-to-another scenes,  you remembered about the whole things.
"i dont get that movie. what does that movie mean? why dont they go back together if the love's still there?" i remember that kind of question i asked to you. the investigative and specific and mind-fckin question that may annoy most of guys. because it's tooo stupid to be asked about.

"you know, that maybe, past is good but that destructing, it can hurt a person that much."
i didnt even expect you to answer that much of question in such beauty and brief words.
and i couldn't differ whether you talked about that movie or about yourself.

i remember when we talked about some good music and i asked you about your favorite music and you named an indie band that i rarely heard about. you named a specific band and a song. you told me why you loved that music. and i cant remember when was the last time i listened to that song and not remembering about you.

well actually it's not about what movie you've seen, not about what music you've listened. it's you that have a really specific answer for all my questions.

most of girls know what they really want. like a mascara from NYX, or a cheese cake around the city, or that light brown ankle boots, or a plain pink sweater that have a little detail on the neck. girls are that specific. but it doesnt work on average guys. guys are really specific on the things they specifically like. usually, it's not including naming a specific music and the movie they love. you surprised me once again.

i could put down my book right before exams when i was talking with you. talking with you brought me to my favorite scene on drama movies; to talk about anything with not-so-known guy. (and compared to exams preparation... well.)

and how you showed up when the sun was still high once in a while, i was really happy.

i remember how you said you were tired, but i knew you had your heart on your tribe. i predicted that now you lead them somehow, i could see how much you put your love on that tribe. and on your family. and on your closest guys. but not on yourself.

i always wanted to see you happy. you deserved that. for all the things you did to your tribe and your family. you deserved someone who could make your day a whole lot brighter
and i knew from the very first time that it wasnt me.
even it broke me to the pieces.

we lived in different kind of world. you were more comfortable living in your own world and i aint the one who wanted to move out. i knew that the time i had with you was only present; you wouldn't remember me as your past and absolutely wouldn't consider myself in your future.
fate is fate. fate will set us into a perfect timing and perfect place, if it wants us to be so.
but it didnt.

so you left and i let go.
i didnt believe in myself, i adored you that much i couldnt even see myself fail to make you happier.


"im glad you can stop yourself from falling for him. 'cause if you fall, i bet you fall so hard for him."

----------------------------------------

spoiler for my upcoming writing project :)

a love letter for the past

i promised my self to write a blog post after i finished my exams. and i still didnt know what to write until a name kept knocking, a name from past.

im not easy to handle yet he had a gut to be with me. it's been few years since he sent me his first random text. at first i knew him as a smart and quiet guy in the class. he was my classmate for 3 years. we didnt really get along at that time, but he surprised me for times. he made me understand about some complicated physics and mathematics stuffs,  he could get into some silly or serious convo i had with my other friends, how he believed in me, how he supported me when i told him i wanna be a doctor when others may only laughed at that.

he always caught my attention. for times. he never failed. until i coulndt count on him. like when i crashed my car, when i was sick, when i went home late, when i was anxious about stupid things and all. he's busy with his own things and i just couldnt understand.

but despite that, i love little things about him. I love his firm hands, how he smiles, how he seemed careless but i know he actually more than just cared, how he listened to me without looking so much listening, how he looked at me once in a while when he drove his car, how he seemed shy about few things, how he didnt talk much when i asked soooo many questions, how he explained about his things which i didnt really understand, how he seemed really sure about his future, how he told about his achievement humbly, how he picked me up when it was rain so hard,
how his eyes looked brighter whenever he talked about his favorite things. and how so many other little things about him made me adore him more than before. i wish i had more time with him to be wasted.

we tried and we failed. for times. but the weird thing is, the more i met new guys, the more i remembered about him. how they cannot be compared to him.

we both are stubborn. we crashed.

i loved his gifts, i loved how he's been really thoughtful on giving me sweet things.
and i could never thank him enough.
whenever i feel bad about myself, i always run to him. i always wanted him to comfort me, he was good at that.

i wished we were helplessly in love that we couldnt let go of us. i wished we were more mature to understand the unspoken things. i wished we worked harder to be together. i wished i was better at relationship. i wished i was more patient. i wished i stayed longer. i wish i had more guts. i wished i wrote this earlier.


but you know, time passes by and season changes. things aren't like this and that anymore. some things were left broken to prevent any further wound.

and he may deserve the better one. :)

Maybe we can make it alright
We could make it better sometime
Maybe we can make it happen baby
We could keep trying but things will never change

So I dont look back
Still Im dying with every step I take
But I dont look back
Just a little little bit better

Good enough to waste some time

And it hurts with every heartbeat

Robyn - with every heartbeat

being healthy inside & outside

last week, when i was studying for make-up test, i had suffered from major migraine and gastritis. i even broke my fasting in the noon once bcs i couldnt stand the pain. after i got better, i got major dysmenorrhea like i always had each month. dysmenorrhea for me would last for 3-4 days (yes, that cramping pain around your hip). plus my gastritis came again. so when i was doing my test, my stomach was aching and around my hip was cramping. idk how i got through that test, but alhamdulillah :)

and the next week (this week) my parents got heavy flu. my mom couldnt get up from bed for 2 days and my daddy slept more than usual. as there are only three of us living in this house, i took care of them and the house. and soon, i also got fever. 

i get sick easily. that's why i regularly exercise and try to be more thoughtful about what i eat. and these past 2 months i didnt really do that. i mean, i've become lazier to do exercise, to eat more fruits, to drink more mineral water, and to cut un-healthy food as much as i can. and these past 2 months i had 5 or 6 times of sick period. i am that easy to get sick. 

promise myself to get back to my track, to eat healthily, to do more exercise, to feed my thoughts with good things, to feel better and happier about myself. 

i choose to invest my future health since this very moment. this is a commitment i should always remember. 

plateau state of happiness-or-not

i used to cry once in about 3 months (less or more) until dawn. i used to be extremely sad about something once in a while. im so much grateful i dont have to get through that thing anymore. but still, sometimes the absence of happiness makes the sadness slips in. well, we should be grateful and happy about simple things. while im only a beginner learner of that, let's learn to be happier each day :)

goodnight!

meet you again, Ramadhan 2013

Marhaban ya Ramadhan!

alhamdulillah, bisa ketemu bulan Ramadhan lagi tahun ini. alhamdulillah, keluarga masih lengkap bahkan nambah mba fitri dan calon ponakan. alhamdulillah, walaupun sodara nggak ada yang dirumah lagi, tapi masih bisa saur dan buka sama bapak ibu. :)

Ramadhan last year, i got OSCE all in my mind. alhamdulillah, i passed it well =]

and now, my mind's occupied by how medschool took me for these past 2 years. the first year, i focused on myself,  rarely got along with my campus mates. i focused on aimagz, IFL, and my closest best friends. but a friend of mine challenged me: to be more active in campus. so i threw myself to the things i didn't involve before. i joined some organizations and some events as a committee. i knew more people better. i know people's name, people started to recognize me more.

but actually i didnt feel happier. :)

 

my mind's like a full cup of water. with a little shake, it moves hard. i thought my mind had moved so hard this past year. sometimes i forgot what i like, what i really want, what i wanna become and all. i become less focus on myself, i started to lose my self and my connection to God.

my grades are like a downfall in this year. used to get As but now i didnt get any of it. i know, this is me having not-so-good priority management all along. but actually, despite of the sadness after i got those scores, i felt really really thankful cs i never had less than B. i really really mean it. Allah is So Much Kind that He never let me be 'that' sad of my grades. alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah. He's Sooooooo Good:"") well, i didnt study as much, as hard, as i did last year, i know this is me that didnt adapt so far. compared to my other college mates, maybe im left behind, but at least i did what i wanted to do; challenged my self to be more active in campus. now it turns out that i didnt like it much, those weren't as good as i thought. well at least, now i know:) i hope all's getting better next academic year. bismillah:)

i see so manyyyyyyyyyy ambitious people here in my campus. at first it looked challenging and fun. but the more i see, the more i feel not-so-good about them. learnt from my daddy, he got doctoral study but never really intended to be a professor. but i see him as a real engineer. he knows how to fix things, he thinks about most of the things with physics law, or any other scientific proof. i still see him as a great engineer with brain. in other hand, i often see people here, pursuing the things that they may not like. im really really excited to hear the lectures from the ones who are really passionates about the topic they bring, but that's not so often. i even had heard of my skills lab tutor said: "obsgyn is a complex thing, it's hard, you take care of two souls in a body. it's so much risky. hhh... what did i thought when i was taking this?" 

i wish i'll take speciality, or any kind of further study, just because i like it much, not because society says it's great, it's good, or it's fine, not because society says i'm capable of that. 

medschool  requires a lot of extra works, less ego, more tolerant, and most of the time it's art. the art to help the doctors decide what to do, what to prescribe, what to say, to the patient, 'cause medicine is still a cloudy one to be fully discovered. 

i meant it when i said i thought so much about quitting this school, but i couldnt imagine better place than medschool. sigh.

so thankyou, Medschool. for taking me to the place i've never been before, like, cranium, brain nerves, muscles, heart, liver, or even to the place like the drugs between its good and its toxicity, and to the place like law and communication we never thought we needed it. thankyou for the amazing experience, which pushed me to my almost-limit, to prove me that i actually could do the things that i really wanted to do. thank you.

and hello, Ramadhan. semoga Ramadhan taun ini bisa lebih baik ibadahnya, juga lebih khusyu' tanpa sering2 banget buber yang bikin nggak tarawih di masjid itu hehe. amiin:)

5 things to be grateful about yesterday:

1. got not-so-good grade but it's tolerable. despite of my laziness, it's such a good. thank You Allah:)

2. sahoor and iftar with my parents. !!!!:)

3. panen banyak buah dari kebun = bikin sup buah home made and it's organic one!

4. sedikit2 ibadah bisa di tingkatkan:D

5. supportive friendssssssss!!!!!!! got sooo many of 'em :)

alhamdulillah alhamdulillah alhamdulillah..

random

"if you arent ready to give much, if the thoughts about yourself and your own business and your own future are still buzzing your mind, if you thought about that person less than you think about your other priority, if you still wanna catch things rather than keep that person in your life; you aint ready for relationship."

love means giving as much as we get, we get as much as we give 'cs giving means getting it too.

im just so much in love with people's story about their relationships :)

encouragement

firstly, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANNA!!<3

we never really had an awesome surprise for her, so we decided to make something sweet that she would really happy about. we bough minnie mouse stuffs and made a little sweet party (inspired by Raisa's birthday blast) with pinkish theme and cakes and all in a french-themed caffee. and sit turned out really pretty and she really loved it. so happyyyyyyyy:)

sayangnya, besok ana masih ujian so she decided to gohome and study while the rest (me, ririe, sandy) went to Ririe's home. and after a basic plain convo like others best friends had after a party, we were tired and starved. but then after few weird convo, sandy said, like:

"kamu kenapa e nin?" ok, some parts were missing due to respect for all of those people (including me) lol.
"kenapa e? nggak papa kok."
"nggak biasanyakamu gini."
"wahahhaha"  ririe ketawa2 aja. actually that missing line was the key of all those things but... i dont feel like writing it here.

"you know, now all people are in relationships, whether it makes them happy or not, whether the relationship goes well or not and all. and i've never been good at it. like, every girls turn into beautiful creatures after they went to some beauty clinics or went to doctors. im not that kind of girls with lots of cash to burn at those things while i know it's temporary. and those girls can pick the one they like to be with. they have a lot of options. while me, i dont think i have, i get trapped in a school with alot of things to study,  a lot of things to do, it's like. gah.... you know.. i think im not good enough."

"really? it's only about beauty?"

"you're pretty, Nin. compared to xxx (my ex-crush's girlfriend), you're way prettier. but sometimes things get complicated. like how boys feel tiny about your study. medical student.. geez."

"and any others. but well, you're loved. look, how many guys you'd dumped so far?"

"they came from high school, please.."

"you just didnt see. *him and him*, they might like you at certain points but they just didnt date you."

"but that's the point! why they didnt wanna date me?"

"oh come on.... even there's any good reason, it would never be about your appereance. you're fine. ok?"

"you're way overthinking, nin.."

"that's why i need to be with you guys to keep my sanity..."

"and you're kinda complicated if it's about relationship. admit it."

"but well, a whole good looking person isn't all about the pretty face, Nin. we've talked about this. it's about confidence."

"yaps, we've discussed it. like, how a girl can wear anything she liked without looked like a joke because she's simply confidence with herself. it's true and you know it."

"yes, i know.."

"plus, the suggestion. like how you said that girl is reaaaaaalllyyy pretty? and we just believed it, as you said it for thousand times. but you know, turned out she's not that pretty. i asked my boyfie and he said like : she's not that pretty. she's ok, she's fine, but that's it. and now i see her, like my boyfie sees her. she's fine and good but not as ultimately pretty as you always said. sometimes, you should stop praising others and start to praise yourself. it works, you know."

*the original convo used Bahasa Indonesia and Boso Jowo.*

that kind of conversation that i might never replace with any other thing. i love them to the moon and back i dont lie. i love you guys, Sandy&Ririe.

i hate to always talk about this, but i was a girl with such a great confidence. until some people felt like out-shined by me, and started to bully me. and i thought i was never be good. i read about the perfect figure of a human and i tried my best to be that person. and now i still feel like im not good enough. im not pretty enough.
and my convo with them was a whole lot longer than that. now i've committed my self to believe myself more, to love the person in the mirror most. to stop being envious about anything in anyone. bismillah:)

then we saw hitam putih nadya hutagalung and dian sastro edition. that wassss reallyyyyyyyyy good i wanna cry:") their thoughts were so strong, and what they've talked about was all about being in peace. they worked hard, stay pretty (but both still felt like they aint pretty ?!), stay positive and tried to spread more positiveness all around. aaah...... im so much inspired, and even if it sounds cheesy, but i really reallllllyyyyy love themmmmmm eversince!
i love the positive attitude and mind, their goals, and how they make a better life for themselves and others. aaa:)


we three saw eatbulaga's videos (the supperrrrr funnyyyy ones!) and laughed real hard, had little gossips and shared some captured memories from the days we hadn't met. after almost-three weeks of not meeting them, that day was an awesome one. i had a real quality time with them. im so blessed to have best friends like them. :)
and we also talked about Ririe's leaving in next two months.

"you know, im also sad about that. i mean, im all excited, but at the same time i'm afraid, im sad to leave those i love here, including you guys. bet there i would be kind of lonely without you guys." Ririe said.

despite of her new life in college, her busy schedule, her heavy assignments, i appreciate how she tried to always make time for us. i'm really really really gonna miss her..................................



and i just realized that im like the other girls. i have doubts and insecurities, but i also have the sisterhood that strengthens me and helps me to grow better.

alhamdulillah, Thank You, Allah for all of these blessings. alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah. :)

cheerish the moment!

*just done reading The Magic, worth to read!:)*

5 things about 10th June 2013

my new favorite place that i visited last week !  with such a sweet interior :)

1. i only have one class (two hours) but i brought a huge bag instead. i prepared to swim after class but then i have a sudden meeting. which is such a dissapointing.. cs i miss swimming real bad! then im the only one attendant from my division. ok.
2. i have so many todolist im starting to be confused. i took many many many responsibilities in the second year, but i wanna be great in all. i mean it's not about me. it's about the responsibility that's tied to my name. i dont have a plan to ruin my own reputation if i have any. i started to miss my old lazy days.
3. im stressedout about academics. im starting to make a whole clearer plan about my academics and i have somuchtodolist also to make it true. and God, i have somanytodolist also from my works and volunteering and others so yeah... plus i need to hang with some friends also once in a while.
4. i have a huge admiration for those who can keep their relationship balance with a good harmony for such a long time. ok this explains much.
5. im a todolist junkie i forgot how much i wrote about it.

but anyway, im so much thankful for the days i have today, and yesterday, and the last few days, few weeks, few months, even maybe for tomorrow. i mean, the healthy body, the salary, the knowledge, the inspiration, the people,all the things are just beautifully complete me. i'm in a happy state now:)
been jogging and running for min. 3x per week with an app for android (myrunmap, nike+, etc) so i keep motivated and i can see the summary of my work out. plus now im doing yoga once a week in campus, again! well, these habits makes me really careful about what i eat 'cs the work outs i do wont help if i didnt balance with my healthy diet. let's shape a better, healthier generation!:)
have a nice day!

movement

youth need a space to move around. to just blindly move or to move, make a fraction and be a bomb. we just can't stay in a freezing position, it's just how nature makes us.

pengalaman beberapa minggu belakagan ini, jogja lagi suka-sukanya bikin event. nggak keitung lagi berapa event musik dari tiap univ, tiap fakultas.. belum lagi acara donor darah, seminar public speaking, seminar ttg tenaga kerja, seminar kewirausahaan dan lain sebagainya. tema nya mirip-miri, cuma beda venue dan pembicara aja mungkin.

sekarang orang atau organisasi sering mengindikasikan ke-eksisan dengan bikin acara. padahal bikin acara nggak mudah, uang belum tentu memadai tanpa persiapan yg baik, dan juga schedule yg padat dan saling bertabrakan antar event. padahal, emang iya, acara itu cuma buat eksis-eksisan doang? emang iya eksis cuma dengan bikin acara?

kalo mau membuktikan ke-eksistensian sebuah organisasi atau pribadi, coba dilihat tujuannya. apa iya tujuan organisasi/pribadi bisa dicapai hanya dengan bikin event? bikin orang-orang informed juga perlu lho, dengan menulis atau bikin poster contohnya. apa iya eksis cuma dengan bikin event-event berbayar di berbagai tempat untuk pemuda? gimana kalo langsung ke tujuannya aja, misala nak jalanan atau anak panti dan sebagainya?

kebetulan, di IFL ada divisi khusus untuk bikin project (event). senengnya, sasaran kami variatif banget, nggak cuma anak muda, acaranya nggak cuma gitu-gitu aja, dan ada purpose spesifik dibelakangnya. jadi acaranya nggak 'berkompetisi' dengan acara-acara yang ramai digalakan berbagai organisasi/kampus/pribadi seperti yang sekarang ada.

percaya deh, kalo kita bikin project apapun, entah bikin event, bikin tulisan di media, atau apappun, kalo ada purpose atau passion yang jelas dan spesifik, pasti projectnya jadi beda dan lebih bermanfaat:D

enjoying weekend

this is one of the good weekends i rarely had lately. this weekend i worked, i met my highschool friends, i studied, i tidy up my room, i made my dream board, collected good articles, read books, and all. those in 2 days. finally my weekend is made for me :)

after those hectic weekends ended, now i can finally have my time for myself. to think about my own self:what i really like, what i dont really like, what i wanna be, what i wanna fight for, what i wanna achieve, and all. it's not that it's a complex process of thinking, but i just have a clearer mind with more spare time. i even did yoga after thoseeee time i missed the schedule! im so much happy. really:)

those organizational thingies are enough. i met the ones i never known before. i've experienced the things i wanted to taste. and they're not my favorite:) i dont really fight for what i really want nor what i believe, and that doesnt add my happiness rate. i think i've got enough.

now that i know better what i really want, i'm ready to walk a bit more, run a little faster, to get it all in time.
bismillah, i know Allah will always be with me:)

being happy

as i learnt through some lectures, i believe that we can never leave genes as a part of our daily habit. even a very little tiny molecular things that run in our body moves because of the genes. but as TIME said, it's not always about genes. there's called epigenetic that changes as we live, influenced by the environment. the environment here means the ecology, the humans, and all the things that we've been through.

sound like such a denial, but i believe that i may have this gene; to think negatively so easy. it makes me get panic, mad, and judge people easily. it's not that i blame my family to bring out this genes, it's just something that i embrace. a little thing like a missing pen makes my heartbeat goes faster. it's something i cant do something about. it's autonomic nerve system that follows the body, not my own will. what could i do about it? 

change my thoughts. breath in, breath out. 

as i embrace this, i try to take more control on my emotion. i read book about how to be happy but then after i read Brain Works, i realized: it's likely that the thoughts we have in mind comes from the memory we had. so i tried to fill my brain as much positive things as possible. that's captured as positive thoughts and i hope the output will be positive also.

and today, i met my best friends in such a coincidence, all the three! we went to a really cute place, and talked a bit. even we had to go through the crazy traffic jam during holiday and the heavy rain, but it was all worth it. im so much happy to have 'em. :)

and today i cleaned up my messy room from all of the corners. i tidied up my clothes, my books, my desk, and all. feel so much refreshed and productive. this is what i've wanted to do for such a long time but never had enough time to do it all:")

also had read BrainWorks in the morning. had finished 2/3 section! yay! this is such a great thing for me since i was so reluctant to finish even a book, and this is an english one, with not-so simle way of writings. i loveeeee this book! i love how this book reveal the way we live in such a scientific way. i love brain!!!

alhamdulillah. alhamdulillah. alhamdulillah. all my wishes came true today. tripled happiness!

take a gap year

"And for years, we've seen these students complete their gap years and return to college more focused, mature, and ready to learn. Now, new research is beginning to corroborate our observations -- by showing that students who take gap years outperform their peers throughout college."
"In a study of students at Middlebury College in Vermont, Robert Clagett -- a former dean of admissions at the school -- found that gap year participants graduated with higher GPAs than those of their peers."

"Most [incoming college] students, in my experience, don't really know what they're passionate about," Knight said. "And if you don't know what you want, then getting it becomes that much more difficult."

"Even elite universities like Harvard, Princeton, and the University of North Carolina are encouraging students to consider taking a year off before matriculation. Princeton's Bridge Year Program, for example, annually awards tens of scholarships to incoming freshmen to fund gap-year programs in Brazil, China, India, Peru, and Senegal."


"Without the gap year, I wouldn't have had the experience of knowing that it's okay to start something without knowing what you're doing," Michael told me. "I'm not sure what kinds of friends I'll have in college, or what kinds of groups I'll be a part of. But I'm ready to take more leaps."

because you know, they may have wandered around, experienced real strange things outta there, learn to face the real life or just have seen much, and now they're ready to sit still, listen to the lecture.

while me, here, barely listening to those doctors with my mind wanders around.

State of Grace

"State Of Grace"

I'm walking fast through the traffic lights

Busy streets and busy lives

And all we know, is touch and go

We are alone with our changing minds

We fall in love 'til it hurts or bleeds or fades in time

And I never (never) saw you coming

And I'll never (ever) be the same

You come around and the armor falls

Pierce the room like a cannon ball

Now all we know is don't let go

We are alone, just you and me

Up in your room and our slates are clean

Just twin fire signs, four blue eyes

So you were never a saint

And I’ve loved in shades of wrong

We learn to live with the pain

Mosaic broken hearts

But this love is brave and wild

And I never (never) saw you coming

And I'll never (ever) be the same

This is a state of grace

This is the worthwhile fight

Love is a ruthless game

Unless you play it good and right

These are the hands of fate

You're my Achilles heel

This is the golden age of something good and right and real

And I never (never) saw you coming

And I'll never (ever) be the same

And I never (never) saw you coming

And I'll never (ever) be the same

This is a state of grace

This is the worthwhile fight

Love is a ruthless game

Unless you play it good and right

a love letter to IFL Yogya

is now listening to: http://8tracks.com/tangerinehearts/for-those-times-you-just-need-to-breathe

Some people said that im good on writing love letter. Love letter means a letter for the loved ones; family, friends, best friends, more-than-just-friend, etc. but I think I owe IFL a lot of things, I owe it a love letter. A love letter is simply a letter to express the love itself.

I started to curious about IFL since Iman Usman posted about it really often. It was just merely a curiosity. I knew iman usman from alanda kariza’s blog, and I knew alanda kariza from Ghiankr’s blog. I knew them around 2009. I loved them ever since. How they have achieved so much in such a young age inspired me a lot. I wanted to be like them.

Then I heard about IFL Yogya. As Said said (..?!) in our Facebook’s Group: liat deh archive IFL dulu. Semangatnya berkobar-kobar banget! And that was what I saw at that moment; a bunch of passionate youngsters who wanted to do more for the society. Dissa, my high school mate, joined it first by a close recruitment before they held an official open recruitment. She kinda gave me some info about it and supported me to join with her.

And it was  first time I ever applied to join a locally-scoped non-governmental organization. It was pretty scary at first. I saw my now-so-called colleague as those who had done much more than I had ever done. I barely knew them at first. But later.. they became such a warm family for me.

I applied for Public Relation. I love meeting new people. I love listening to people’s stories. And I believed that IFL would give me such a huge opportunity to meet great people ahead. And it was true. I had a solid team with mas Dias, mas Adit, Nunu, and… *put a sorry emote here ‘cs I forgot the name of my previous partner who later asked to di-bebas-tugaskan bcs of her school’s duty* (plus later with mba Tari). At first… I was intimidated. It’s only few people believe that I am an inferior, but I truly am an inferior. But they were really really nice. It was such a short period of time until I knew them better and got really close to ‘em.

Seminar Kewirausahaan dan Lomba Bussiness Plan was our first event. it was a huge success for me. We contacted local government, inspiring entrepreneurs and local schools. We worked hard to succeed this event without spending lots of money (which we obviously didn’t have). We made it in 3 districts; Sleman, Bantul and Kulon Progo.  It was… such a good time, I don’t lie J but then we got stuck into our awesome college life, and poof! Those spirits had gone for a while.

Some people come and go as the time goes  by; it also happened to us. Few people were missing during the duty, and then we agreed to do another open recruitment.  some people made it into the second oprec but not all of them made it last until this very second while the rest became our loveliest new family. :’D

Well in short, we trough few open recruitment until we’ve got this super lovely family.  And through the obstacles during these almost-two-years, we’ve successfully made some (what I will always say) awesome events. Name it: sumbang buku, seminar dan lomba business plan, Pekan untuk Panti, YOU+earTH, School of Volunteer (program nasional IFL),  the good meal project, IFLQuiz, dan yang ter-anyar adalah Youth Night. Belum lagi acara turun ke jalan untuk memperingati hari-hari besar tertentu.. nggak kerasa, we’ve done so much trough these 20 months. :”)

Kalo ditanya apa yang IFL berikan ke aku.. mungkin jawabannya bakalan sama kayak yang lain: pengalaman, temen-temen baru… tapi lebih dari itu, disini aku banyak banget belajar. I learn to grow, here. Disini temen-temen punya pikiran yang luas banget; we cant buy this one. Dengan lingkungan yang mendukung banget kayak gini, aku jadi lebih terpacu buat bekerja lebih baik dan berpikiran lebih terbuka. Mungkin aku salah satu dari anak yang lumayan kritis sampe kadang annoying he-he, but beyond it all, aku percaya bahwa sebenernya kita mampu kok untuk selalu berbuat lebih. And we proved it, for times.

Ditambah lagi otonomi yang diterapkan di organisasi ini; dimana kita Cuma dikasih tugas secara garis besar tapi beneran di bebasin untuk cara mencapainya. Hal ini bikin aku dan temen-temen satu divisi jadi lebih kreatif, team work kita pun jadi solid banget. Kita bisa bikin event-event secara dunia maya maupun face-to-face untuk achieve itu. Aku baru sadar baru-baru ini, bahwa IFL bener-bener menghargai kreativitas seseorang dan ngasih kepercayaan penuh pada team dan berimbas bagus banget buat kita sebagai ladang pembelajaran. Whoa, does it sound hyperbola?

Rapat PR seminggu sekali dan rapat besar IFL sebulan sekali; so far nggak ganggu jadwal kuliah. Or if it ever did, aku selalu ngutamain kampus dan temen-temen selalu memberi toleransi. There’s no such thing as being active without doing school properly. Buat orang-orang yang merasa bahwa aktif itu  berarti siap-siap akademis turun, hmm menurutku itu nggak bener as long as kita tau cara bagi waktu. Aku juga masih belajar, but so far, anak-anak IFL IPK nya bagus-bagus kok, semester satu masih ada aja yang sempurna, dan Alhamdulillah mine’s pretty much good too. Ada kalanya nilai-nilai itu ber-fluktuasi tapi aku yakin itu bukan karna occupied by IFL aja.

Satu hal juga yang berharga banget dari IFL adalah environtmentnya. Aku selalu suka waktu kumpul-kumpul IFL dimana kita brainstorm, berusaha nemuin masalah disociety tentang anak muda, berusaha cari jalan keluarnya, berusaha bikin sesuatu yang attractive buat anak-anak seumuran kita, berusaha bikin sebuah movement yang mungkin nggak massive, mungkin kecil, tapi apapun itu bentuknya harus menarik dan membawa perubahan, sekecil apapun itu. Secara nggak sadar juga, hal ini juga mengubah kita. bikin kitalebih sensitive sama issue sosial, sama sekitar, bin kita lebih toleransi, lebih kerja keras, kreatif, mandiri dan bertanggung jawab. Nggak ada sanksi apapun kalo kita nggak bekerja dengan baik di divisi kita masing-masing, tapi selalu ada rasa tanggung jawab dan keinginan untuk maju bareng IFL yang bikin aku personally (atau mungkin temen-temen lain juga) ngelakuin yang terbaik di pekerjaan-pekerjaan kita.

lingkungan ini hangat banget! Setelah capek brainstorm, bakalan ada sesi cerita-cerita dimana itu bisa diawalidari curhatan pribadi sampe ngomongin pararel universe. Adanya anak-anak dari SMA sampe berbagai jurusan di perkuliahan bikin ilmu-ku tambah banyak! Aku jadi tau hidupnya anak-anak jurusan lain, universitas lain, juga kehidupan orang-orang disekitar mereka  atau bahkan kehidupan mereka yang emang beda-beda banget. Atau karena memang aku suka dengan cerita-cerita orang lain ya? Tapi aku bener-bener bersyukur bisa kenal baik sama mereka dan tau banyak hal dari mereka. Their favorite things dari mulai girl band, berbagai band indie, gigs, radio announcer, debaters, healthy life style, film, books, dan banyak hal lainnya bikin pengetahuanku lebih luas lagi. and the funny thing is, fakta bahwa kita bisa saling terkait, as Jogja seemed really small.

And I ended this leter by saying this to you: that IFL is not merely a non-governmental organization. It’s more like a home for a warm family which teaches us about life, gives us freedom to grow, helps us find not only an identity but also idealism,  supports us to achieve our dreams and goals; the best company during the sunny and rainy days.

You dont ask for new friends, new opportunities, and all are nationally-scoped; you will get those all in time. But the joy and the happiness, the good time we spend during the hard work for the better society..would be beyond our –or even my, expectation.

let go

i learn in a hard way that sometimes we have to let it go.
let things go as the fate plays the scene.

sometimes i let go a loved one for another one, for who i am that seems dont deserve him, for my own dreams, for my own ego, for my future maps, for a distance, for a complicated connecting line, for ...

to be truth, im tired. im not good in relationship, i must admit. i just thought that my life is too short to be spent with the wrong ones. so go get married, nin, no?

but it's not only about relationship, that things may not turn out as we wanted it to be. sometimes we have kind of dreams, we've worked hard, but we failed to touch the finish line. sometimes, we've had a solid schedule of happiness to-do-list; a list of activities that makes us happy during the day. but who knows, a person would come into us, throws an anger in a sudden, then the negativity radiates to us. andwhat if it's not only a person, but a bunch of people that do a thing and just accidentally hurt us. physically or mentally.

in my senior year, whenever i was sad, i would study 'cs i knew medical school awaited. but now.. well.

just suck it up, dude.

welcome, fourth semester!

"dulu waktu SMA, bisa aja nggak suka sama pelajarannya, nggak suka sama gurunya, banyak main, banyak drama. tapi sekarang, aku dan orang-orang lain milih jurusan karena emang suka. dan apa ya.. kuliahnya nyenengin sih. aku suka. jadi rasanya nggak ada alesan untuk nggak strive for the best, whatever it takes. kita udah milih sendiri apa yang paling kita suka, dan pelajarannya nyenengin, kok. udah gede juga, harus udah mulai tanggung jawab sama pilihan kita masing-masing" -- best friend talking about how people can academically raise so much in college.

aku juga nggak boleh kalah!:D welcome fourth semester!

days off

"If the appropriate exposure does not happen, the pathways developed in anticipation may be discarded. This is sometimes referred to as the concept of "use it or lose it." It is through these processes of creating, strengthening, and discarding synapses that our brains adapt to our unique environment."

i read the concept about 'use it or lose it' for the first time in a novel 'sloppy first'. the thing i love about foreign novel was that the writer seemed to have a kind of research. and i kind of believe in that thing ever since.

this holiday, im trying to make a good habit so the brain can work automatically afterward. im trying to be more discipline, to manage my time way much more effectively. 

let's say i have 20 days off. the first 2 days were for campus something. the next 4 days were for holiday with family. the next 7 days were for lovely ones and works (ai magz, MC team, and all). and the next 7 days will be for another holiday with sandy in Jakarta. 

i try to manage my time really really well. i try my best to not waste a bit, well i even wasted my time but i keep it less. i try to make myself busy, to read books, to do works, to surround myself with good people and all. i try myself to make such a good habit, ;cause if i dont use it, i will lose it.

you know, when we're being teenagers, the neurons are making their ways to connect to each others. and some says it will be permanent.that's why build a character, a habit, a way of thinking, is important when we're young. making mistakes is necessary at this time. we learn. if we fall hard at this time, then managed to bounce back harder, be stronger than ever, we would have the memory of being strong. and as the stressor comes up again, the memory would have managed our brain to do the same, or even better, if we had learnt much.and the case i remember in the foreign novel i read, is that: try to love as much as you can. bcs what if you grow up and your brain stops making a memory about love so you coulnt recognize love? so be selective on the things you absorb and dont be afraid of failing. it surely makes you wiser 'cs you learn much better than who arent.

i believe that in this teenage years, we're all seen as a bomb that could explode anytime we could. parents are so much aware of that. but if it's really needed, just explode once, or twice. because we will lose our rights to explode once we get into adulthood. kya!!! not.

so then, i promise myself, i would learn as much as i can, i would do such hard work to chase my dreams, to leave my comfort zone, to grow better, and if i ever fail i will bounce back higher.

to get closer to Allah.

ameen.

february means..

February means lovey dovey post... doesnt it?
well, i didnt plan to have another lovey dovey post on my blog, but there's a thing that keeps me discussing with few friends of mine, lately.

soulmate.

i do believe in fate. i do. but we girls, in the second year of college, with few friends of mine that had married,   will eventually have this kind of anxiety. soulmate.

i know at this very moment i've got a boyfriend, a very good one, i must admit. but you know, we don't know how life would treat us in the next second. we cant predict what future would give us. we just cant.

well, every relationship will have differences between two. it's something inside us that makes us dynamically change for each other. but there will be few things that makes us stop changing. that few things that we dont know when it will come, or it just wont come so the relationship's saved until the very last second.

and sometimes, heart can play around too. it can change its feelings, too, unexpectedly. scary, isnt it?


and i promise, i will let my heart choose and be chosen.

“Pada akhirnya nanti, semua pasti akan berjodoh pada pasangannya masing-masing..
Tak perlu takut, tak perlu khawatir. Semua sudah diatur olehNya…
Karena apa yang tidak ditakdirkan untuk menimpamu, semudah apapun jalannya, tidak akan pernah menjadi milikmu…
Pun juga sebaliknya…
Apa yang ditakdirkan bagimu, sesulit apapun kelihatannya, sesukar apapun jalannya, semustahil apapun itu, pasti tetap akan terjadi padamu..
Dan yakinlah, Allah itu selalu dan pasti akan memberikan yang terbaik untuk hambaNya..
:)”---  Sasha, 20 tahun, sudah menikah.