2012 mash up

well, in the end of 2012, in the very end, 11 pm, im starting to remember back what this year has given to me. spending the night from cinema, listening to good music, writing this.

i had the best birthday surprises ever in my life. friends came up at 00, cooldvideos and surprises from best friends, loads of gifts from family. everyone whispered wishes to me. i'm blessed!!! so much:)

i learnt in such a hard way that.. people come and go as... the life wants to. that's just how life treat us. would it feel good if we carry a huge bag with lots of rocks that finally hurts? no, it wouldnt. let it go.
i finally could understand how two lovers cant be together, how good friends separated, how leaves finally fall down..
i still cant forgive. it's hard to forgive. what hurts will remain as a weapon to me, i pretty much hate it. but.. i finally dont have to cry in a smile. i let it be.

there were some major ups and downs during this year. and i'm glad i've survived it. :)

i found a huge hobby called writing fiction. i finally embraced it. made fictionframe.tumblr.com to throw all the fantasies in my mind. so sad that December too much near realities i couldn't even escape. i'm so happy to hear the feedback, really. but i don't wanna hurt my writings. i couldn't be discipline in writings; that's why i didnt take literature as my major. that's the answer you need, Nin.. right?:)

i finally redecorate my bedroom as i've been dreaming about. since 3-5 years ago, i kept changing things, but  never really liked it until this very second. all pretty. i made few minor decoration, and thought about having major in interior design or anything about design... then... i got bored doing it.. that's why, Nin.. got it?:)

got into few organizations in campus, made some events, met awesome friends in campus. all happy. found a family here in medschool. ilooooooveeeemycampuslife!!!!!!!!! love my campusssssss!!!<3

as i've been written, my dreams had been scattered. do i really like medicine? is this my dream?
quoted from one of my friends:
"kenapa sekolah disini? kalo disana kan kamu udah mau lulus.."
"impian,Nin.."
"waaa.. tapi disana sama disini enakan mana belajarnya?"
"enakan disana lah.."
"terus kal enakan disana kenapa tetep milih disini?"
"ngejar impian.."
yap. chasing dreams isn't luxurious at all. isn't all about blink and shines. it's about dragging yourself to a war, fight from anything conquer to finally go to another dreams. that's living a dream. not to be in your comfort zone telling yourself: well this is a dream comes true. im happy.
it may hurt but it will eventually worth it. believe me:)

and lovey dovey thingie. i got close to few guys, to finally be thankful of having this guy. he has been there for the last 3 years. the most supportive one. i was mad at him, stop talked to him, ignored him so much, but still, he was there. told everyone that guys are grey but then my male friend told me.. "you are the one that in a grey line. you're neither black nor white. you're always in the middle. how could people be clear about you when you aren't even clear about yourself?" .....yes, i am.
and in that foggy grayish mind of mine, he was still there dragging me to a fairer zone. thankyou. :)



i love you, Allah. for all the lessons, all the chapters you've given to me during the 2012. i love you for the bad and good things you've been given to me until this very last second. alhamdulillah.....

happy new year!! wish 2013 brings us the greatest bless in life, wish all the dreams come true, all the goals are achieved and wish it will surprise us along the way, will shape us in a kind of any betterment. amin.

new year resolution:

1. ibadah makin baik, makin dekat dengan Allah
2. makin menunjukkan bentuk kasih sayang dan tanggung jawab pada keluarga
3. IP minimal 3.75
4. membaca minimal 12 buku. menyelesaikannya. membuat sinopsis dan ratingnya.
5. menyelesaikan seluruh tanggung jawab 2013 dengan baik; organisasi, event, akademik
6. bisa main piano (nah nah nah!!!)
7. bisa nyetir ke solo (dudududu~~)
8. bisa masak ninimal 4 masakan rumah
9. launch project pribadi.
10. hidup sehat: olah raga teratur, makan makanan sehat, minum air putih 1.5 liter per day.

December never felt so wrong

now playing: Winter Song - Sara Bareilles

i've been longing for December. i love December since i knew the names of months. i always love the holiday scent, chirstmas decoration, winter, snow, hot choco, marshmallow, gift, family time, lovey dovey things, spirit, happiness and all the things that's connected with December.

thanks for the tv, movie, pictures on tumblr, etcetc which introduced me with this kind of joy; that living the day in this month could be so much relaxing.. no matter what happens, i'll always be remembering myself that this is December, all the things can turn bad but i have to remain happy 'cause December is like an iceberg, slowly melt and then we could only see the pictures of it. 

starting this month with a bunch of exams preparation. thankful for whatever God will give me this block:-) then my brother's marriage, then now. but you know, things get.... idk. i get the busiest schedule this month. it's kinda sad but i have to take my responsibility. name it: pemira, uhc, magang bem hublu, isc, MC team cimsa... all came up to me in a month. but beyond it all, i'm thankful for the trust people had given to me... it feels really really good for finally work on something again. 

i will not say that December is such a perfect month. there was a weekend when i was soo sad that i couldn't sleep. i only cried, listened to sad songs, felt miserable, read self helping articles on web, watched a sad movie.. until i felt asleep in the morning about 7 am.

but i think i need that point. to get back on my track, to realize few things i'd been ignored, to do some betterment, to stand still on my own feet, to get clearer vision of mine. to hug back what's been left. 

i'm trying to stick hardder on my schedule i've made. i found lately that i often forgot some important to-do-list points and it ruined the other day, ruined the result.

just found out that i really love dr.House, and soooooo sad about the final season of Gossip girls and grey's anatomy. they are all my heroes during the hard times, during the boredom since i was soooooo young (now im 18, remember?:p) they are legend!!!!!!! what's the next legend,anw? i personally cant find myself love How I Met Your Mother, but i love the quotes anw.:p

well, happy holiday, Peeps! it's a joyful month. live it!

anw, i don't have any plan for new year's eve. who's with me?._.

who doesnt love them all?

adult bucket list!!

 walking down on the street, seeing lights everywhere, snowy day, December..

adult bucket list!!!!

going to disneyland on holiday

teenage bucket list

starbucks holiday season. or any kind of coffeeshop. with christmas decoration.

weekly dose of inspiration

To work as hard as possible, and then, when you think you’re done, to work just a little bit harder. To know that if it feels “right” it may actually be completely wrong, and that if it feels “wrong” it may be completely right. There’s no governing principle to any of this except that strange instinct and feeling within yourself that you simply have to learn to trust, but which is always unreliably changing. To create something for people who have not been born yet. To pay attention to how it actually feels to be alive, to the lies you tell yourself and others. Not to overreach—but also not to get too comfortable with your own work. To avoid giving in to either self-doubt or self-confidence, depending on your leaning, and especially to resist giving over your opinion of yourself to others—which means not to seek fame or recognition, which can restrain rather than open your possibility for artistic development. With all this in mind, not to expect anything and to be grateful for any true, non-exploitative opportunity that presents itself, however modest. And to understand that being able to say “I don’t know what to do with my life” is an incredible privilege that 99% of the rest of the world will never enjoy.

Oh god, I would wish a better fate on you, first of all. I think the thing to do is to make things. There was a writer who came to my high school and gave a lecture and said, “A lot of people say they’re writers, but not everybody is actually writing.” I always remembered that. Keep making things. Keep writing, and don’t be precious about what you write—just continue to write. Instead of sitting around and perfecting one play, or one story, just keep making more and more. Also, try to put stuff on its feet—if it’s a play, grab your friends and put it up. Do a reading or a full production of it. Work on someone else’s play—be an actor, or do the lights. Just be around people who are making things. Being surrounded by other people who are also doing theater is so important—when you see how actors work, and how directors work, and what dramatic writing looks and sounds like when it’s performed, you’ll start to become a better writer.

It was exhausting, but it was the kind of exhaustion that feeds you and makes you strong.

Well, that life is a lot more serious and shorter than it seems like it will be. And that you can easily waste it. And that happiness is overrated. Be kind. This said—and I can’t talk about the rest of the world—but I’d say that you’re a member of the first generation of modern Americans whom I consider genuine, ready-made citizens. And by that I mean America has essentially exited its protracted national adolescence (approximately the 1920s through the 1980s, with the 1960s being the apex and the baby-boomer presidencies of Clinton and Bush as the hangover) and as a nation we’re at something of a deciding moment of anxious self-awareness, both as to where we’ve been drawing our resources and from what and how we’ve been weaving our moral fabric.

Bedroom yayness

after few years searching for bedroom ideas, daydreaming about my own perfect bedroom despite of the smallness of it... finally had renovated my room! with less than 2000k IDR, i've got my dream room renovated:)

N: *kirim foto*

S: yah, kasurnya jadi kecil ya? 

N: iya san... jadi single bed gitu jd kita gkbs bobo bareng

S: aku bisa bobok di lantai ko Nin asal gada yg joget AADC

N: wkwkwk padahal aku mau blg itu: tapi kita bisa joget AADC :))))

S: kenapa sih harus joget AADC? joget yang lain gaboleh?

*epic convo with a best friend is epic*

dear self..

“Kepada hati yang tak pernah mati walau telah terpanah puluhan kali. Jangan pernah merasa tersiksa sendiri. Bukalah jendelamu, hadiahkan pelangi untuk hatimu yang tengah berjuang menegarkan diri.”

summer project 2012 by ninoscha

What so much interesting about this summer project was that this idea had came out 2-more years ago, when me and Dissa got so much less thing to do and we both loved all the beauty things in frame. and the awesome things happened in last summer.

to find a great escape long way out of city, to play hide and seek with the sun, to have a race with the sun shines, and all; all was great. my summer wasnt boring at all

i forgot how to use photoshop so i didnt do much edit on these photos but resize and crop. they're not fantastic, not great; i aint a good photographer, but.. i had so much fun to take shoots, prepare it all, find great colors on it, and all. 

Thank you, Irene (model), Dissa (partner), and Sandy (mate). :)

accidentally inspired

"I think the biggest challenge anyone from a small town has to face is how to defeat small-mindedness and not get caught up in the drama that can happen in an insular community. Once I was able to gain perspective and feel more connected with the world through traveling and by attending a university fairly far from home, it was a lot easier to overcome any obstacles that might have existed before. But I’ve always loved to make art, and I think I would have pursued it whether I came from a small town or a big city. I’m happy that I’ve had the opportunities to avoid being a big fish in a very small pond."

"I think attending art school is an awesome and wonderful experience whether or not you know for sure if you want to be a fine artist. College in general is really just a wonderful way to transition into adulthood, as long as you don’t treat it like a massive excuse to party and drink your brain cells away. I worked incredibly hard in school, and because of that my professors gave me opportunities that other students didn’t have. School is what you make of it, and you could go to any college and get a great education as long as there are a couple of professors there who are willing to put the time in and that you, in turn, are willing to give 110%. There are people out there that say college isn’t necessary, but I definitely wasn’t mature enough to enter the workforce at 18, and I feel like I really found myself in art school. Plus, there are very few other opportunities to be surrounded by so many like-minded people having intense discussions about your work. I miss art school like crazy because those kind of critiques are hard to come by, and no matter how many artsy friends I have, nothing compares to being surrounded by 100 peers, all working 24 hours a day, exhausted but excited."

"I think people that have the most success in any career are those that can remain a bit humble—or at least empathetic—no matter what their career status. If you love people—love interacting with them, working with them—you’ll have success in your career. To have success as an independent designer or creative type, you have to be driven, you have to at least try to be organized, and you have to be pleasant to work with. Art directors will come back to you over and over again if you make the experience of working together a pleasant one. If you ask them, they will tell you that the number-one thing that turns them off from working with a person again is if that person was disrespectful, unkind, or seemed “above” the project. Freelancing is all about forming short partnerships with art directors and clients and making them feel that you’re as excited about it as they are."

jujur//nulis

ada yang ngerasa nggak my latest post kayak nggak jujur? padahal aku nulis itu untuk berusaha jujur sejujur-jujurnya. or it's the type of the writings, yah.. aku bukan tipe orang menulis dengan tata cara event by event tapi aku seperti memaksakan menceritakan segalanya so my post will look moreeeee factual. i feel not right when i read that post, feel like wanna erase it, but, i let it be. i let it be my foot print that i've once been fool enough to act like somthing aint me.
doesnt mean what i've written is a lie. it was true. i have that emotional problem.
but my writings that lied. it's not my type:p

sambil nulis ini, sambil menghentikan pekerjaan, sambil mendengarkan fix you nya coldplay ditemani angin sepoy hari minggu.

setelah aku sadar bahwa aku punya permasalahan dalam kontrol emosi, aku jadi lebih aware, conscious, terhadap apa yang aku rasain. akhir-akhir ini, aku nemuin beberapa temen yang kurang bisa dipegang omongannya. seharian aku cuma bisa ngamuk2 nggak jelasdi dalem hati. imbasnya, aku jadi nggak produktif dan diem, dan nyentak siapapun yang sangat ganggu. tapi buat aku itu lebih baik dibanding aku show it off ke orang2, ngelabrakin satu-satu via bbm, nyindir abis-abisan via twitter, like what i did in past few years. aku nonton video TEDx, youtube lagu-lagu, liat desain-desain kamar, buat hiasan kamar baru, just to feel better. well, i felt slightly better, but im not ok.
i finally let go. instead of labeling them as friends then i feel disappointed all over again, i'd rather leave them alone.

my one of favorite bedroom ideas:D

sadar bahwa something's not ok here helps me to find a way to feel better in a good way. i'm not ok, and i will never pretend as im ok anymore. it's.. for me.. sometimes it helps me to not over-drama things, but also, at times, i need to know that something is not right and i have an obligation to fix it, anw.

sadar. sadar. sadar.

dan aku baru sadar aku sudah 2 blok ini nggak bikin agenda harian. super sigh. dari observasiku thdp diriku sendiri, dengan agenda, kita jadi terpacu untuk do things right, one at a time, finish all the task, be productive. tapi emang agak agak ribet sih untuk design what to do tomorrow dan cek lagi in the end of the day apa yang sudah kita achieve. but it's worth it so i wanna make one for more:D

what i've been doing during the holiday :

see ya in another loong weekend! i've had an awesome one anw:)

coffee talk

another coffee talk with Sandy.
kira-kira jam 1 siang, waktu kita berdua udah jenuh sama kerjaan masing-masing.
ngomongin semuanya...

ada bling bling merah di bb, aku baca bbm yang baru masuk dan mukaku langsung berubah..
"San.. males banget.. kenapa sih dia.. aku udah males banget."

"kamu tuh kenapa sih nin? dulu suka, dulu biasa aja, sekarang segitunya. emang dia salah apa sih ke kamu?"

"ya nggak salah apa-apa.. tapi ya males aja. tolong dong udah.."

"jahat banget sih.."

"ya gimana, perasaanku nggak enak, males, tiba-tiba jadi panik deg-deg an mual in a negative way."

"kok sampe segitunya tuh kenapa?"

"nggak tau..."

"kenapa ya nin, kamu itu bisa labil banget. inget nggak waktu nunggu sms balesan dari xxx? heboh banget, takut nggak dibales, tau-tau brapa menit kemudian di bales? sekarang ini.. semua mantan-mantanmu nggak ada yang baik-baik. kenapa coba?"

aku diem.. 2 hari yang lalu aku emang baru nyadar, it's like something's wrong with me. aku seheboh itu kalo ada sesuatu.. lalu tiba-tiba beberapa saat kemudian bisa jadi super sedih.. nggak ngerti. waktu itu H-1 tentamen, aku ngerasa hal itu nge ganggu banget, dan baru sadar, ini nggak bener.

" iya ya San, kenapa ya.. hmm aku sih ngerasa pribadiku agak bermasalah sejak aku di bully, ya sebelum di bully juga bermasalah sih.. tapi beda. kalo soal cowo-cowo itu.. apa ya.. mungkin self defense? soalnya waktu putus semuanya bikin aku gnerasa worthless and it's like 'no no more..' sign?"

"hmm... masa sih? itu defense atas apa? kamu pernah diapain emang?"

"nggak diapa-apain, cuma dibikin ngerasa worthless aja dan aku nggak mau ngerasain lagi jadi aku mungkin scr nggak sadar ngelindunginnya gitu.."

"ngelindungin atau ngehindarin?"

"hehehe nggak tau ya.. tapi emang tiba-tiba sama mereka, sama siapapun yang udah-udah, pasti ada perasaan yang nggak nyaman banget. bete tiba-tiba. nggak tau deh.."

lalu kita balik ke kerjaan masing-masing, atau berusaha terlihat seperti itu, karena rasanya otak kita masih mikirin hal yang sama. nggak sampai 5 menit kemudian Sandy nanya,

"kamu tau nggak dulu kenapa kamu dulu di bully?"

"tau kok, cuma ya aneh aja. kalo mereka bener-bener gk suka aku, kenapa mereka gk ninggalin aku sok aku gk ada aja instead malah repot2 bikin hidupku miserable."

dan kita pun terjebak di keheningan masing-masing. aku tau, sandy lagi berusaha keras mengerti, ataupun menganalisis.

"tapi masa iya, abis kamu di bully? sebelumnya emang nggak pernah labil kayak gini? sebelum-belumnya? aku tuh nggak percaya e nin sama semata-mata takdir, pasti ada sesuatu dibelakangnya.."
lalu aku diem lagi.. mikir..

"mm..."

aku pun flashback

"dulu waktu ayahku sekolah di luar, mama emang agak banyak pikiran, jadi lebih galak, aku sering ngambek. tapi ya biasa aja. mulai agak parah waktu selesai kelas aksel. mulai kelas 4 aku bosen belajar, maunya nonton tv, dan hampir tiap hari marahan sama mbakku atau mamaku. aku sampe harus banting pintu, lempar semua barang di meja belajar, sampe akulebih dimarain lagi gara-gara itu. terus, aku ganti jadi ngerusak buku. aku pegang pensil kuat-kuat, terus nyobek-nyobek buku pake pensil itu. hmm..
terus aku suka nulis diary.. waktu kunci gembok diariku ilang, terus aku coba utak atik pake cutter, tanganku kena, aku malah mijitin tanganku biar darahnya tambah keluar.. aku juga sering garukin lengan bawah atau cubitin, biar sakitnya di dada ilang..."

"kok serem sih nin..," aku seneng, sandy bukanya natap aku serem, tapi lebih kearah: kok bisa sih..

"hehehe nggak tau dulu.. dari dulu aku gitu. setelah di bully itu aku juga pasti ngalamin 2 bulan stress banget, ngerasa worthless, sedih tiap hari, dll. itu siklus san, balik lagi.... aku ngga terbiasa ngatur emosi, aku lebih ke mengekspresikannya jadi less destructive. makanya sekarang aku suka nulis, itu bantu aku ekspressin emosi dengan lebih baik.."

"aneh ya nin, dimana-mana itu orang ngatur emosi, kamu malah diatur sama emosi."

"iya, San. aku lagi sadar kok, lagi pengen usaha. doain aja."


sampai rumah, aku browsing. penasaran aja, aku tuh kenapa.. udah lama pengen cari tau, tapi emang baru sempat in the name of tentamen preparation. it was Friday and i browsed all day long and here's the thing i found when i googled about myself:

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) (called emotionally unstable personality disorder, borderline type in the ICD-10) is a personality disorder marked by a prolonged disturbance of personality function, characterized by unusual variability and depth of moods. These moods may secondarily affect cognition and interpersonal relations. 
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image and affects, as well as marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, excessive spending, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars or picking at oneself (excoriation).
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness
8. Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms

yang aku bold adalah yang aku pernah rasain. saya nggak yakin saya diagnosed BPD clinically, tapi saya merasakan hal-hal tersebut, dan memang dari dulu aku udah ngerasa it's not right. aku sekarang jadi penakut karena dulu keberanianku selalu jadi bahan bully, salah mulu... dulu aku juga hobi banget sedih dan ngerasa nggak berharga. labil banget, gampang banget seneng dan sedih. nggak bisa kontrol emosi. dan kalo orang liat aku hiperaktif, bukan apa-apa, tapi emang didalem hatiku itu perasaannya meletup-letup dan perlu dikeluarkan.

aku nggak mau terus-terusan berlindung dibalik excuse i'd been bullied, aku rasa mungkin aku yang terlalu dimanja waktu kecil, gen, dan lingkungan bisa bikin fluktuasi emosiku nggak sehat. mungkin malah kejadian bully itu bantu aku untuk nggak neko-neko. tapi yang aku tau, keadaan emosiku memang belum baik.

sampai beberapa hari yang lalu aku sadar.

aku mungkin udah jarang ngerasain 'chronic feeling of emptiness', tapi aku masih nggak bisa ngatur anger dan  instability due to mood, aku mudah sekali terpengaruh sama 'sentilan' diluar. aku masih tidak terbiasa untuk mengontrol emosiku, aku hanya tau cara mengekspresikan emosiku dengan lebih baik.





kenapa saya sejujur ini bikin tulisan di blog? karena akhirnya saya lega, lega bahwa mungkin saya memang belum baik dalam mengontrol emosi, tapi saya toh akhirnya tau. tau bahwa saya masih butuh memperbaikinya, tau bahwa mungkin aku pernah mengalami disorder tertentu, bahwa aku butuh memperbaiki sesuatu disini.

karena self acceptance itu sebegitu melegakannya.

aku ingin orang lain juga ikut sadar atas keadaan dirinya... apapun itu, sadari, perbaiki.
aku juga lagi berusaha kok, yuk bareng:)

hiburan

ok this is sooo funny if you understand and feel it urself!

another saturday night post

yay! so finally it's saturday night. :)
dimulai dari Masa Orientasi Bem sampai sore, jemput sandy lalu kerumah ririe!
she got an accident crushed the car and fortunately she's totally fine. really. but the car.... i have no idea how much it takes to fix it.....
daaan, untuk memberikan support nyata (that's whay friends are for, kan?) kita kerumah ririe malam ini. standar kok, cuma ngobrol, saling update hidup masing-masing, pacar gebetan masing-masing, keluarga, kuliah, dan lainnya.

but they're nothing ordinary for me. sama mereka aku selalu terpacu untuk selalu usaha jadi lebih baik, malu sama mereka. Ana yang aktifis hukum semangat penyayang , sandy yg ip mendekati sempurna dan jago jualan calon mantu idaman, ririe yang cantik fashionable dan super pintar, dissa yang artsy pinter jagooo archie dan aktif di gerakan sosial.
malu aja kalo nilai nggak bagus, malu kalo nggak cantik, malu kalo nggak bisa masak (mostly jago masak anw), malu kalo nggak bisa main alat musik (mostly bisa satu alat musik minimal), dan banyak malu lainnya yang bukanya bikin merasa inferior tapi malam memacu aku untuk bisa lebih banyak belajar dan berkembang, jadi aku nggak kalah dari mereka dan nggak bikin mereka kecewa:)

bener-bener, mereka most of the hard time selalu ada. nggak selalu empat - empatnya, bisa cuma satu atau dua orang, but it's enough to heal the bruise during bad days. diajak ngobrol santai bisa, curhat drama bisa, diskusi negara juga bisa. kurang apa?:)

thank God for them. thank You. thank You. it's just amazing. they're amazing:)

#YouthNight

seperti yang selama ini udah aku tweet, aku bareng sama temen2 @IFL_Yogya lainnya sejak kemarin Juni/Juli lagi getol-getolnya bikin acara kepemudaan. awalnya ini adalah event kesehatan, yang menurutku nggak tepat sasaran dan nggak fokus, though kita juga nggak banyak tau tentang isu kesehatan kecuali MDGs but it's not common with the youngsters. i felt something not right here walaupun aku adalah salah satu anak divisi Acara yang emang harus nurut sama konseptor awal.

lalu few of those guys ikut acara IFL nasional. disana mereka sharing dan akhirnya juga sadar bahwa event kesehatan itu berat; lack of info, not their passion also. akhirnya dengan mengadopsi ide dari IFL bandung, kami bikin acara 'kumpul komunitas' dan sharing dgn pembicara handal tentang passion. kenapa passion? karena it's an amazing idea that people nowadays know about. passion itu dibutuhkan, dicari, digemari, dan emang jadi modal utama orang untuk mencapai impian mereka.

Passion, Dream, Succes

adalah 3 kata yang jadi 'trending topic' pemuda jaman sekarang yang selalu ingin maju. yap, menurutku emang passion itu penting untuk menghidupkan impian menggapai kesuksesan. dan, aku kira aku sudah tau benar apa passionku sampai... aku mendengar kata-kata dari para pembicara.

acara dimulai dengan penjabaran passion dan deskripsi general dari kurang lebih 8 komunitas, termasuk penutupnya oleh beatbox jogja yg super keren! dan pukul 8.30 pm mulailah acara inti dengan para pembicara.

pembicara pertama adalah mas pungkas. saya suka dengan penjabaran beliau tentang dunia social media yang terlihat sepele tapi ternyata bisa di teliti, telisik dan diperhatikan bahwa ia punya kekuatan dan peran BESAR! melihat kantitas pengguna sosial media aja udah bisa bilang bahwa hal tsb adalah a big thing di Indonesia. dan ternyata dibalik itu semua, kita bisa jadi makhluk yang 'diberdayakan' atau instead memberdayakan crowd ramai soc med di Indonesia ini. belajar untuk jadi social media user yg pintar :-)

awesoomeee! anw mas pungkas juga mengenalkan marinyanyi.com dimana anak-anak indonesia kembali 'belajar' untuk mencintai lagu-lagu yang sesuai dengan usianya:D

few quotes dari mas @pungkas:

"Dare to move! Berani untuk memulai, begitu juga dengan passion, ia hanya dapat ditemukan ketika kita mencarinya"

"Planning is a 50% of success. Maksudnya, kalo kamu sudah berencana, kamu tgl eksekusi. Tapi rencanakan dulu sekarang!" 

"Entah itu kegagalan, kesuksesan; itu perlu dicapai. Kegagalan, kesalahan diteliti, jgn diulang. Improve. Baca, ketemu bnyk orang"

"Gagal, perbaiki, lakukan lagi."

lalu pembicara kedua adalah mas Mirwan, yaps, my own brother and an owner of Abankirenk creative, a creative workspace focusing on yearbook making and photography. kalau mas pungkas lebih banyak ngomongin tentang advertising dan bagaimana social media itu lebih jauh, mas mirwan lebih banyak ngomongin passion dan bagaimana passion menggerakkan abankirenk dan mas mirwan sendiri. (i know it's kinda weird writing about him as if he's none of my family but, geez, you should know i'm trying my best here..-_-) 

didukung dengan ilustrasi yang super duper cute (yes we have very talented illustrator with great conceptor for each event he has to attend), mas mirwan bisa menjelaskan tentang passion dengan jelas. bahkan ada kalimat yang sampe sekarang nusuk banget buat aku: 

"Dan dalam menggeluti passion, kalian pasti akan haus akan prestasi."

dulu, aku pikir art adalah passion ku dan medical adalah impianku. tapi ternyata aku salah besar. aku baru sadar bahwa... iya, memang kalo kita lihat, orang-orang yang menggeluti passionnya pasti berusaha sekuat tenaga untuk bisa berprestasi di bidangnya masing2. masku sering gk tidur mikirin Abankirenk, masnya Sandy ikut berbagai macam lomba bidang adv dan juara2, raditya dika berusaha memberbaiki terus kualitas buku yang ia hasilkan, dewi lestari berusaha untuk bikin karya yang selalu fresh, beda dan awesome tentunya, dan orang-orang lain yang menggeluti passionnya yang nggak bisa aku sebutkan satu-satu disini.

in art, im doing it only because i like it, i feel peace when i do it, and im happy to make anything pretty. tapi nggak ada sama sekali keinginan atau semangat untuk keep doing improvement. dalam hal menulis, aku tau, aku sangat tergantung sama mood. karakter, alur, dan lain sebagainya mungkin cuma biasa aja, though im happy to know people read it. do i wanna do any betterment? ... belum. belum sampai tahap aku ingin fokus mengembangkan karakterku, research dll. aku menjalaninya dengan fun dan.. let it flow. apa iya aku ingin memperbaiki skill ilustrasiku yang standar itu? apa iya aku mau latihan berkali-kali tiap minggu? belum, keinginan itu belum ada.

but in medicine, entah itu karena juga merupakan majorku atau emang bener-bener passionku, tapi i'll do anything to make it good, or at least, if im that lazy to study hard, aku tetep sedih banget akan nilaiku kalau nggak baik, kalo nggak bisa dapet A. aku inget A/B pertamaku bikin sedih di 2 minggu awal setelah aku tau nilaiku. fucked up, right? padahal itu masih bagus dan skrg sudah bisa aku sangat syukuri. entah itu sombong atau passion, anw. but i have that spirit to do my best here, in medicine, that i dont have in arts.

now im sure about my passion. :)

thank you, brother. 

bcs at home he's super silly and we're not talking about those talks..:p

quotes dari mas @ahmadmirwan:

" Every idea has its own expired date" 

"Yang penting itu eksistensi. Jatuh bangun, yang penting gk berhenti."

"Buatlah rencana dan target. Buatlah rencana, targetnya, dan lakukan yang perlu dilakukan" 

"Bikin sesuatu itu menjadi Ter- atau Paling, karena kalau enggak, itu cuma jadi biasa aja. dan biasa aja itu udah banyak."

"Kalian harus berlari sampai finish, tapi bukan berarti finish itu garis terakhir."

"Passion+knowledge and experience+method" 

"Cintai prosesnya untuk menghargai hasil akhir."

thank you, awesome committees, 13 passionate youngsters that had made this event came true. thanks for the awesome -+ 70 participants. thanks for the communities .and super thanks for the Speakers!!!!

siang itu aku masih berselimut, demam, pusing, batuk, pilek, bersin terus dan sedikit mual. aku pergi masih dalam keadaan demam dan linglung di jalan. juga sebenernya bad mood karena ada beberapa hal yang belum fix di saat acara udah tinggal beberapa jam lagi. tapi.... it turned out awesome. aku nggak tau gimana, tapi lama kelamaan aku lupa kalo aku sakit, i didn't feel like im sick. nggak batuk, nggak bersin, nggak pilek, sedikit lebih baik suhu tubuhnya dan sedikit pusing; tapi nggak selemes waktu dirumah. aku bahkan pulang tengah malem sendirian naik motor membelah jogja, but today, in the morning, im still feeling fine, walaupun belum sepenuhnya sembuh. tapi at least im not getting worse padahal aku kerjaannya sebanyak itu kemarin.... :')

YouthNight adalah salah satu life changing moment bersama IFL Yogya. terimakasih semua. terimakasih telah membantu mewujudkan acara impian ini.

terimakasih.

:)

the girls behind the event:)

little tree of hope yang berisi impian-impian dari bbrp partisipan:)

See ya next time, awesome youngsters!

hujan... di mata

aku sedih. terus aku harus gimana?
menyembunyikan kesedihan itu bukan kebahagiaan. kebahagiaan itu adalah kebahagiaan kan? ketiadaan kesedihan juga bisa aja nggak bahagia.
aku.. aku berusaha be happy all the time. tapi susah ya. gimana sih caranya? ada nggak yang mau ngajarin aku?:)

sedih, sedih, pergilah. datanglah lain kali..

rainy days are coming

selamat merasakan hujan, Jogja!:-)

re-read my blog, it's been all about medical and lovey dovey, thingie. isn't it?
aku harus mulai lebih banyak bersyukur sama nilai-nilaiku yang sebenernya cukup baik melihat aku nggak se super itu nyiapin ujian-ujiannya. dan instead, aku harus lebih baik lagi nyiapin the next exams for the next blocks:D
daaaan.. soal cinta-cintaan ini... hehe aku sudah memutuskan untuk berhenti sedih-sedihan karena orang yang biarin kita drowning into sadness tanpa sekalipun ngankat kita ke kawasan bebas patah hati itu ... nggak segitu worth it nya. atau aku terlalu gampang menyerah ya?:)

anw, it's been such a great year. awalnya aku ngerasa bahwa taun ini aku belum ngapa-ngapain, dibandingkan taun lalu. taun lalu, name it: being medical student di universitas terbaik nasional, masuk IFL, kerja sebagai marketing online dan mimpin majalah online; it's like all the dreams come true. dan 2012, isinya kebanyakan cuma melanjutkan yang dulu-dulu.. great thing at first that become a daily routine makes it less glorious, isnt it?

dan selama taun ini, aku apply magang, apply exchange, coba daftarin cerpen-cerpen aku, tapi nggak ada yang lolos hiks.

but then i realized, this year i've achieved so much.
sudah bisa nyetir, sudah bisa masak, sudah punya banyak teman, sudah launch fiction frame, udah nggambar lagi, punya rutinitas olahraga 5 kali seminggu @ 20 menit, udah pernah ikut yoga, ikut tim basket angkatan kampus, udah masuk CIMSA, udah punya nilai memuaskan di akademis, udah sering naik bis kemana-mana, udah ke IYC!!!!!, udah ketemu alanda kariza dan citra natasya langsung, udah nonton float:"), udah ketemu famous fashion blogger langsung.

kurang apa, Nin?:)
alhamdulillah.......
and i just realized my teenage bucket list sudah mulai tercoret satu persatu...:)

terlebih semalem:')
udah lama banget pengen nonton band indie manggung. just to know how they perform. dan siangnya, secara nggak sengaja liat tweet dari radionya rama, kalo nanti malem bakal ada float manggung di Rock Opera cafe sagan. and i was.. so stoked out. aku tweet orang-orang in case ada yang mau nemenin nonton... tapi ternyata nggak ada feedback sampe sore. aku udah hopeless, temen-temen deket pada mau uts, nggak mungkin minta temenin mereka.. ada sih dua sobat aku dari IFL mau nonton, tapi tapi... maunya ada ceweknya juga..............
sampe nunu sms aku, bilang mau nonton float juga..... nggak kebayang senengnya!!!!:')
and last night... was one of the sweetest night ever. santai di cafe, duduk (itupun berkat kita dateng pagi dan mohon mohon sama mas-masnya untuk dicarikan kursi), ngobrol sama temen-temen deket tentang apa aja, lalu dengerin lagunya float yang... nggak usah ditanya enaknya itu.
i was in love again with that music:)
dan.... serunya lagi... i met this famous fashion blogger yang aku juga baru tau dari Nunu. i mean, she's different. dia sangat vintage .... setelah cek blognya... emang vintage banget in such a cute way!! seneng deh kalo dissa bisa jadi fashion bloggah juga, abis... mirip-mirip gitu style nya. sama-sama cantik lagii:)

i had such a good night, no doubt.

picture's taken by Rio S.

aku oranngya gampang banget pengen sesuatu, kadang suka sampe iri. tapi aku nyetop itu semua dengan ikut produktif.
aku suka banget gambar-gambar ilustrasi lucu, then i made it once or twice. suka liat foto cewek-cewek cantik, then i did some make up and took photos of it. suka liat cewek yang aktif, then i encouraged myself to be more active. dan seterusnya..:)
aku nggak tahan liat orang lain bisa tapi belum aku lakukan. rasanya kayak: if people can do that, you can do too, Niin! nggak lebih baik, mungkin, but just to prove myself bahwa aku pun juga bisa. it's kinda self pleasure, kebahagiaan yang saya bikin untuk diri saya sendiri.

setelah saya baca buku the power dari rhonda bynes, saya jadi lebih fokus sama menjadi bahagia along the days. aku sampe punya mantra baru

"to be good is to feel good"

kadang orang terlalu fokus sama to be good-nya, sampe mereka lupa dengan feeling good. terlalu banyak anxious dan confusion, yang akhirnya juga bikin outputnya nggak sebagus bayangan. sekarang, aku lebih fokus untuk bikin diri sendiri feel good, so the outcome would turn out good too. dan rasanya, memang lebih mudah merasa baik dulu daripada memikirkan to be good nya. 

we're young, pasti masih banyak semangat meletup-letupnya, energinya masih ful dan siap untuk menghadapi berbagai challange tentang transisi dunia muda dan dewasa. jadi, mumpung masih muda, kita harus menggunakan excessive energy itu untuk berbagai hal yang postif. membantu orang tua dan temen emang positif, tapi rasanya energi kita jauh lebih banyak dari itu kok. belum lagi kalo bisa berkontribusi, energinya bisa dikalilipatkan dan energi kita pun bertambah. jangan takut, karena aku membuktikan bahwa aku kehilangan banyak kesempatan karena terlalu takut melakukan banyak hal. jangan ikutin aku ya:) but still, be sensible of our feelings, kalo ngerasa nggak enak ya nggak perlu di jalani. we make our own story, make our own journey, our own path, our own glory. Tuhan punya jalan yang berbeda untuk masing-masing makhluk-Nya. make out the best of our years. 

kemarin, aku nangis karena baca cerita di Young on Top Campus Ambassador. bukan karena mengharukan, tapi karena kecewa sama diri sendiri. i feel like can achieve the same thing if i want it bad enough, if i work it hard enough, but i didn't. aku bener-bener malu karena aku nggak bisa, belum bisa memenuhinya satu persen pun. sedih.

sampai aku takut, takut kalo impianku itu nggak akan pernah tercapai.

tapi impian nggak segitu besarnya sampai itu near impossible kan?:)

lalu tangisanku diganti jadi tangisan penuh semangat-tapi-bingung-mulai-dari-mana. but it's a good feeling. it's a burned, spirited tears.

bismillah, kita bisa menggapai semua impian di langit itu.

tulisan ini juga dipersembahkan untuk film perahu kertas yang membantu aku mengingatkan tentang mimpi-mimpiku, yang bikin inget semua cerita sedih tentang cinta-cintaan (yang asli sedih sampe nangis-nangis dan terancam keinget sampe berhari-hari...) dan semua keindahan yang ada di film itu. 

terimakasih semua makhluk Tuhan yang sudah produktif menyebarkan energi dan semangat dalam bentuk (karya) apapun. 

a letter to my best friend

i've been thinking of saying my gratitude to this friend, i even had said it. but i don't think he really understand how much i'm thankful of having him. so instead, i make this letter. i wanna make it more personal by give it directly to him but i don't think i could. i wish this doesn't sound like a creepy and cranky love letter.

dear you.

for the fights we had, for the stupid convos we usually had, for the foolish imagination of our life in our minds; thank you. i can be me when im with you. i can tell you anything, literally anything. we talked about shits, and we laughed. i never knew that they're really fun until we didn't do it any longer.

it's wonderful how you seemed not listening my story but then came out with a resume plus any comments. i was surprised for times. it's really sweet how you encouraged to do the things i slightly thought but never brave enough to do. you always told me to not be afraid, to be sure at anything i do; which i rarely do. you told me to have a fully consciousness in anything i do, not just merely do. thank you. thank you. thank you.

one thing that i always afraid to do was writing. until you came out with that silly idea "read your tweets make me think that you could be the next mario teguh...." then i remember i laughed hard.
i ever thought about it, dumb-ass. but never thought about it any longer. i thought, i may write, but ten years later. when i have kids, got nothing to do in the saturday afternoon...
then you echoed again.
"come on, just write. you're gonna be a good writer." not only for once, but for times i fail to count.
thank you. for this, i would ever never thank you enough. i made fictionframe.tumblr.com to publish the stories i've been written. and i felt really shame but then brave enough to share it on twitter. i take my patience to wait the bravery comes to me to make me publish it on facebook so it will sound louder.
thank you. thank you. thank you. thank you for zillion times.

i never told you my love story until i felt secured enough. when i did it, you just laughed, played with your cellphone, then i forgot that i ever told you that kind of stuffs. until someday i talked about another story and you said how much i felt bad for my previous lovey-devey thingie. how it makes me stuck and got me nowhere. how it makes me afraid to start anything new. then you encourage me to let myself brave enough to let anyone come in, just to make sure i don't miss anyone good. then i let person(s) came in then i broke my heart, dont you know? it doesn't feel good.. but thank you, to let me feel that bitter sweet feelings again. well, it's exactly like how a coffee tastes; bitter, sweet, yet awakening.

we talked about boys and girls in general, for times. i told ya to be a good guy, and you told me to be pretty, inside and out. told me about how much pretty girls don't care about their outer look and not-so-pretty girls go too much. you told me to not be so much careless for what's inside and outside myself, then told me to not get too much because it's irritating. i kept silent but i do what you said. thank you again.

i didn't believe in myself, so much (actually). i have a mask i use for my daily life so i could fake my confidence, so sometimes i could really feel confident while at the other moment i really don't have any. you told me i'm pretty, you told me im smart, you told me im good and fun. yet our friendship is too good to be broken by the lovey dovey thingie you said when i asked you why we aint dating if im that good, right? maybe it's a little thing to you, maybe it's been a total big fat lie you told me, but it really works on me. i'm starting to believe in myself even better. not much male-friends i've got told me so. you even said it not only once. thank you for ensuring me. i started to believe in my self. thank you.

you told me i less explored myself in my college life, i ignored that thought at first. told ya i joined activities outside school much. then you said again, that i still need to mingle to my college friends. then i ignored you again. but then i realized, it's true. then i started to think about what i can contribute to my campus.  it's not gonna be true if it's not you telling me that kind of thing. thank you. thank you.

i'm really embarrassed when i thought about how you read those words but i can't help myself writing that kind of stuff. hhhh....

some people grow together, some grow apart. i don't mind not being your closest best friend anymore, as long as we can be together in good and in bad. or if it's still not possible, let's be casual friend who talked via chat and twitter.
or at least let's share a smile when we meet?

lols. you probably questioning how could i be this mellow writing a letter to you. i'm this kind of person if it's about my personal stuffs. plus im listening to adhitya sofyan's newest album with the cloudy sky ahead. and we barely talk nowadays, aint we?:p

i hope this is enough to express my gratitude to you my dearest friend. you're good, you should find one good person too, to stop you for chasing those random fun again; to finally let you feel the enthusiasm just because you have her is enough. then you can be more focused on yourself.


have a nice day! thank you for reading this stupid letter. terimakasih!!:D

the roller coaster of feelings

days have passed, it's been almost 4 days straight.

and it's almost 4 weeks straight.

sejak isi otak dipenuhi sama segala bentuk kata cinta dan konotasinya.

aku berusaha untuk nggak menyalahkan lingkungan yang sangat amat penuh dengan cinta-cintaan, tapi nggak bisa dipungkiri, itu jadi salah satu alasan kenapa aku akhirnya mau mencoba buka... hati.. untuk.. seseorang.

orang yang... dulunya, seharusnya, dan ngakunya (dan emang bener sih, kadang) selalu berusaha untuk bikin aku seneng, selalu berusaha jadi my number one supportive person. 

dan emang menyenangkan, punya orang yang bisa dengerin cerita, bisa jadi pukpuk person tiap sedih, dan ... seharusnya jadi orang yang selalu ada ketika di butuhkan.

seharusnya?

karena dia memang nggak selalu ada ketika dibutuhkan, so far belum pernah muncul waktu aku bener-bener butuh orang lain.

it's been months, i havent been had an issue about this stuffs.

 selama ini, selalu duniaku dan aku, di pikiranku.

until the idea of having someone to share my happiness knocked down my thought.

otak yang biasanya diisi dengan target to achieve pada jangka waktu tertentu jadi diganti oleh kalender perkembangan hubungan. kayak bayi yang berusaha merangkak, satu-satu hal baru terjadi, dan pelan-pelan ada yang berubah... sampai fasenya jadi stagnan lagi. sampai cewek yang biasanya di buku cerita klasik jadi pihak yang dimanja dan di kejar ini... bingung. 

masa iya, orang suka tp gk ingin sering ada waktu dibutuhin?

and after 2 years of chasing.. so called chasing me.. masa segini aja? masa dengan pintu yang udah dibuka lebar-lebar.. gini aja nih?

sama aja kayak anak smp yang deketin temennya beda sekolah.

dan disini aku nggak berusaha mengecilkan arti orang itu; he's a real smart, active, kind, good looking and all. im kinda amazed of what he has achieved so far.

he's the criteria you need an ideal boyfriend, maybe.

tapi sejauh ini, belum liat sampai mana perasaan itu ditujukan ke aku.

dan aku capek nunggu. capek... this isnt the first cycle.

it's been 2 years;  i like the idea of you being really nice to me.. then you nice tome.. then... nothing happened. and all over again.

dan orang-orang yang selalu ada, selalu mencekoki dengan hal-hal berbau cinta, coba perhatikan.

kalau biasanya aku bikin rajutan hari dengan benangku sendiri, dan aku mencoba memasukkan benang orang lain di rajutan itu, lalu ternyata seiring berjalannya waktu, rajutan dari benang orang lain itu rusak, atau bahkan habis.... apa yang harus aku lakukan dengan rajutanku?

sekarang aku merasakannya. not only talking about 'that' guy. ini juga tentang janji-janji, omongan-omongan santai pria-pria lawan jenis yang berusaha mencari perhatian gender wanita dengan kata-katanya... yang akhirnya dipercayai oleh wanitanya... dan akhirnya pria-pria itu tidak bisa mempertanggungkan apapun yang terjadi dengan rajutan rusak, dengan rajutan berlubang, atau bahkan merusak hasil rajutan itu sama sekali.

"dont say you love me unless you mean it, because i might be doing something crazy like believe in it"

ini juga mungkin tentang aku dan ketakutanku yang terlalu banyak.. dengan keenggananku untuk melakukan penyesuaian lebih banyak, aku yang apatis terhadap perbedaan yang harusnya bisa jadi hal yang menarik dan tidak membosankan.

tapi aku lelah membuat jembatan.

aku ingin dibuatkan jembatan dan hanya tinggal berjalan santai sambil melihat pemandangan sepanjang perjalanan.

bisa?

:)

aku ingin bisa berbicara tentang apa saja, dimengerti akan kebanyakan hal, dan mendengarkan cerita menarik akan hidup seseorang. aku ingin dilindungi, ditemani dan di hibur. 

not merely a bucket list of a perfect boyfriend.

aku masih se-egois ini, aku masih se-fragile ini, aku masih se-penakut ini. siapa lagi yang masih mau memaksakan aku untuk dekat-dekat sama asal laki? 

siapa yang masih mau tanya kenapa aku masih single?

udah kelamaan sedih dan mikir. hari ini mau mencukupkan semua. this is going to be the one of the most honest blogpost this year, but.. this is the only way im gonna survive. too much thought in the pool of my brain..



p.s: or this might be not about feelings, it's more about the... destiny.