meet you again, Ramadhan 2013

Marhaban ya Ramadhan!

alhamdulillah, bisa ketemu bulan Ramadhan lagi tahun ini. alhamdulillah, keluarga masih lengkap bahkan nambah mba fitri dan calon ponakan. alhamdulillah, walaupun sodara nggak ada yang dirumah lagi, tapi masih bisa saur dan buka sama bapak ibu. :)

Ramadhan last year, i got OSCE all in my mind. alhamdulillah, i passed it well =]

and now, my mind's occupied by how medschool took me for these past 2 years. the first year, i focused on myself,  rarely got along with my campus mates. i focused on aimagz, IFL, and my closest best friends. but a friend of mine challenged me: to be more active in campus. so i threw myself to the things i didn't involve before. i joined some organizations and some events as a committee. i knew more people better. i know people's name, people started to recognize me more.

but actually i didnt feel happier. :)

 

my mind's like a full cup of water. with a little shake, it moves hard. i thought my mind had moved so hard this past year. sometimes i forgot what i like, what i really want, what i wanna become and all. i become less focus on myself, i started to lose my self and my connection to God.

my grades are like a downfall in this year. used to get As but now i didnt get any of it. i know, this is me having not-so-good priority management all along. but actually, despite of the sadness after i got those scores, i felt really really thankful cs i never had less than B. i really really mean it. Allah is So Much Kind that He never let me be 'that' sad of my grades. alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah. He's Sooooooo Good:"") well, i didnt study as much, as hard, as i did last year, i know this is me that didnt adapt so far. compared to my other college mates, maybe im left behind, but at least i did what i wanted to do; challenged my self to be more active in campus. now it turns out that i didnt like it much, those weren't as good as i thought. well at least, now i know:) i hope all's getting better next academic year. bismillah:)

i see so manyyyyyyyyyy ambitious people here in my campus. at first it looked challenging and fun. but the more i see, the more i feel not-so-good about them. learnt from my daddy, he got doctoral study but never really intended to be a professor. but i see him as a real engineer. he knows how to fix things, he thinks about most of the things with physics law, or any other scientific proof. i still see him as a great engineer with brain. in other hand, i often see people here, pursuing the things that they may not like. im really really excited to hear the lectures from the ones who are really passionates about the topic they bring, but that's not so often. i even had heard of my skills lab tutor said: "obsgyn is a complex thing, it's hard, you take care of two souls in a body. it's so much risky. hhh... what did i thought when i was taking this?" 

i wish i'll take speciality, or any kind of further study, just because i like it much, not because society says it's great, it's good, or it's fine, not because society says i'm capable of that. 

medschool  requires a lot of extra works, less ego, more tolerant, and most of the time it's art. the art to help the doctors decide what to do, what to prescribe, what to say, to the patient, 'cause medicine is still a cloudy one to be fully discovered. 

i meant it when i said i thought so much about quitting this school, but i couldnt imagine better place than medschool. sigh.

so thankyou, Medschool. for taking me to the place i've never been before, like, cranium, brain nerves, muscles, heart, liver, or even to the place like the drugs between its good and its toxicity, and to the place like law and communication we never thought we needed it. thankyou for the amazing experience, which pushed me to my almost-limit, to prove me that i actually could do the things that i really wanted to do. thank you.

and hello, Ramadhan. semoga Ramadhan taun ini bisa lebih baik ibadahnya, juga lebih khusyu' tanpa sering2 banget buber yang bikin nggak tarawih di masjid itu hehe. amiin:)

5 things to be grateful about yesterday:

1. got not-so-good grade but it's tolerable. despite of my laziness, it's such a good. thank You Allah:)

2. sahoor and iftar with my parents. !!!!:)

3. panen banyak buah dari kebun = bikin sup buah home made and it's organic one!

4. sedikit2 ibadah bisa di tingkatkan:D

5. supportive friendssssssss!!!!!!! got sooo many of 'em :)

alhamdulillah alhamdulillah alhamdulillah..

hiburan

ok this is sooo funny if you understand and feel it urself!

Mengukuhkan komitmen

Ini bukan hal yang mudah untuk saya. Sampai saya menuliskan blogpost ini, saya masih belum 100 persen yakin. Ini kah yang terbaik?

Mulai dari awal tahun pertama. Dengan segala excitement saya tentang sekolah kedokteran ini. I was totally focused on study as I was in 3^rd year. I've got perfect GPA for few blocks. lalu saya memutuskan untuk menomerduakan akademis,bcs i was simply bored and got distant with my lovely ones. Sampai saya ketagihan lagi sama art, projects, dan lainnya. Saya pikir, mungkin passion saya ada di menulis dan volunteering. Saya selalu seneng untuk membantu orang lain, selalu merasa perlu untuk melakukan sesuatu untuk yang lain. dan saya keterusan.
Saya mengikuti berbagai program dan project yang bikin saya kehilangan focus. Saya tidak lagi memprioritaskan pendidikan. Saya pikir: I'll get old and boring with this medical stuffs. This is my young, I will take all the things outside meds stuffs. Saya lupa bahwa once, being a medical student is a thing that I wouldn't trade with anything. Saya terlalu apatis dengan bidang yang menuntut banyak kesempurnaan ini. kalau boleh bilang, saya nggak tahan dengan environment kampus yang menurutku banyak orang yang get trapped in routine without excitement. Mereka kelihatan capek, pucat dan nggak menarik.
Awal sekali saya masuk kampus ini saya bertanya pada diri saya sendiri: mana nih anak-anak yang passionate kedokteran?
Nggak banyak yang terlihat demikian. Yang banyak saya lihat adalah orang-orang yang strive for perfection, individualist, orang-orang yang sombong tentang akademik maupun golds and blings, orang yang jalani-apa-yang-ada.
Seharusnya saya mengingatkan pada diri saya sendiri, juga waktu itu: bahwa memang ini lah kenyataannya. Saya nggak bisa lari dari environment ini.
Kalau saya selalu punya banyangan tentang orang-orang passionate yang mencoba do something great and awesome, be friendly and all, mungkin mereka memang bukan disini. Mungkin orang-orang tersebut ada di fakultas yang mengedepankan inovasi dan kebebasan. Bukan di sekolah seperti ini.
Saya lupa
Dan hampir setahun ini saya lupa.
Sampai saya membuka lagi goals saya. Perfect GPA for whole 1^st year is totally achievable, yet I didn't achieve it.
Saya selalu ingin untuk menjadi hebat. Saya pikir, dengan saya mengikuti banyak kegiatan diluar medis, saya akan jadi hebat. Tapi sebaliknya.
Saya tidak bisa mendapatkan apapun dari meraih terlalu banyak 'benda' tersebut.
Saya mau aktif di hal-hal luar, tapi saya nggak bisa karna jadwal kuliah yang mengikat. Saya mau focus kuliah, saya nggak bisa karna saya sudah get attached with those things, pikiran saya selalu mengelana ke sana. Ada banyak what ifs yang terjadi di kepala saya.
Saya benar-benar kehilangan focus. Dan saya menuliskan ini untuk mencegah orang lain merasakan hal yang sama.
Saya mencari my other self potential di saat saya harus focus. Dan apakah saya berhasil? Until now, not. Saya harusnya sadar bahwa saya tidak bisa membangun sesuatu dari nol dengan tanggung jawab study saya yang sekarang. Detik ini, saya kehilangan arah. Detik ini, saya nggak tau saya harus apa. Medical stuffs have been so far from mymind lately yet I have one huge and scary exam next 2 weeks.

Jelas, saya harus belajar. Saya harus membunuh pikiran-pikiran saya yang mencoba menjalar, sampai saya punya jalan khusus untuk mereka. Sampai saya bisa sekolah dengan baik. Karena sejujurnya, bisa saja saya mengembangkan itu semua, mungkin. Tapi in the end, saya pasti ketagihan lagi dan lagi. Dan jika seperti itu, saya yakin saya tidak akan menjadi 100% physician.
Saya selalu suka dengan achievement kak mesty ariotedjo, tapi saya harus mengingatkan diri saya sendiri bahwa apa yang ia kerjakan telah ia bangun sejak sebelum kuliah. Ia tidak mencari jalan. Dengan koneksi yang telah ia punya, jalan itu akan terbuka lebih lebar. Sedangkan saya?:)
Saya pernah punya keinginan to be good at many fields. Saya tau bidang2 apa saja itu. Tapi makin kesini, saya makin merasa ridiculous. Saya nggak mungkin bisa focus and excellent on them.
Mulai sekarang, saya ingin membuat diri saya lebih focus pada tujuan-tujuan awal saya:
Bismillah..

1. Nilai yang baik. (specific target is not to be publishedJ)
2. Have a Part time job as a writer.
3. Belajar bidang lain dari buku/seminar. Not from 3 hours of browsing, or not from streaming 2 hours of youtube videos. That's nonsense.
4. Jangan memberatkan diri. Kalau tau bahwa tidak mampu, jangan memaksakan mencari jalan dari mengabaikan prioritas2 utama seperti agama, keluarga, dan pendidikan.
5. Bertanggung jawab atas organisasi yang telah saya ikuti. Be good on it. One step at a time. Jangan gegabah untuk meraih semua kesempatan bcs it wont turn out good.
6. Jangan pernah melupakan hak dan kewajiban agama karna kesibukan dan prioritas-prioritas tersebut. It's such a fool to forget the One who takes care of your life.
7. Satu target besar lagi yang hanya bisa dicapai kalau kamu punya nilai yang excellent nin: to study abroad. jangan lupa ya:)

Sampai detik ini saya belum pernah merasakan semangat belajar seperti kelas 3 dulu. Sedih ya.. hehe. Dulu saya sampai merasa bahwa studying is a sexy thing, dan saya akan merasa bersalah banget kalo in a day saya belum belajar mandiri selama minimal 8 jam. Where have you been nin?:)
Karena dokter itu butuh skill social
Tapi butuh lebih banyak, dan jauh lebih banyak knowledge.

 
Ayo nina, semangat! Buktikan kalau kamu bisa. Berikan yang terbaik. Jadilah dokter yang know-it-all, seperti harapanmu sejak dulu. Hates anatomy? Remember when at night you were imagining about the awesome anatomy? Yuk buka hati, mata, telinga. Jadi best of your self nggak harus jadi orang dengan banyak skill. Tapi juga bisa berarti orang yang sangat ahli di satu bidang. Sedang bidang lainnya merupakan poin plus-plus yang bisa dicari atau diraih setelah poin utama tercapai. Jangan mudah terintimidasi sama orang-orang sombong ya nin. Emang banyak banget, Cuma kamu nggak mungkin membasmi mereka semua kan? Get used to it. Kuatin mental. Cuek sama pengaruh-pengaruh menciutkan mental itu. You are you. Percaya Allah punya jalan masing-masing. You have Allah and nice family and awesome friends. You' re saved. 


dan satu hal. saya mungkin salah, saya mungkin ragu, tapi saya melakukan dan memutuskan juga mempertimbangkan dengan kesadaran. if something happens to me that means i'm kind of wanting it, kecuali hal-hal yang hanya-Allah-yang-tahu. tapi sejauh ini, apa yang saya lakukan merupakan hal yang secara sadar saya pilih, dibantu oleh 'tangan-tangan' Allah yang  selalu menjadi Guide saya.:) terimakasih, Allah.

"Commitment is like riding a rollercoaster, what ever u feel, u cannot get out of that until it is finish."

"Allah tidak akan merubah suatu kaum,kecuali ia mengubah nasibnya sendiri"

"jika telah kamu selesaikan dengan sungguh-sungguh suatu pekerjaan, maka selesaikanlah pekerjaan lain." (agama mana yang sedetailini menerangkan umatnya tentang etos kerja?:))

"When I was young, I observed that nine out of ten things I did were failures. So I did ten times more work."- George Bernard Shaw

"losers quit when they're tired. winners quit when they've WON"

"I’m tough on myself in terms of my standards, but that’s also part of my pleasure: knowing you are being your fullest self."

"it's not about just living the life, it's about having a hope in dream. yet it's not only about having a dream, it's about striving real hard to get it. and after all, it's only about God behind it all;-)"

“That’s what happens sometimes. Friendships are lost, altered, damaged. People change, or you simply finally appreciate who they have been all along… And so you realize they don’t have a space in your life anymore. Doesn’t matter how long it’s been, how deep it’s gone… It happens, it ends. You move on.” 

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’”