the last post of 2011

is this really the end, dear 2011? 'cause it's like only a blink of eye. remembering 2011 so far.... is like remembering.... nothing? i've been busy doing things, running, changing, working hard, to get the dream i've been dreaming. until now, these days, i'm still busy to chase almost everything. "you cant be as young as you are today". so i wanna spend it more on exploring my self. who am i?

and i have nooooo idea about 2012 resolution. i mean.. i've been having new year resolution for years and now i have no days off and i cant think much of things but few academic stuffs. i miss high school, for its ups and downs, dramas, naive-dreams, and all. but you know, life's keep going no matter what. so i'll try to cheerish every moment knowing that i cant bring the exact past into present.

let's say. this year, i've found stronger faith in Allah. Allah gives me all i need, He's my all. He gives me the lesson of life in a very unexpected but beautiful way. i love it how i can find reason beyond everything. i also found that... jerks are around and i let them around because i had lack of confidence... well i still have. i thought if anything bad happens, it must be me. all the time, while it's not. feelings aren't as simple as one person's fault or bunch of people's faults. it's way more complicated than that so i decided to stay away from that kinda things awhile... :) this year i also have revealed the real friends o mine. some are just nice, some just really complete myself. some are kinda fake and some are just so true that i can be true to myself too when im with them. getting into medschool, my favorite medschool, is also the biggest thing that's happened this year. it's been a good days with those other medstudents.. medschool is really really good. i love it here, really, finally. i found some nice college mates and thhey're enough for now. this year i also turn to be 17. what an age.. people said. but i have 18-19 years old friends, most, so i dont feel like a 17 years old girl. now age doesnt matter anymore, i mean seventeen years old doesnt mean anything for now. not having some kinda miracles or sparkling dust all over my body... everything stays the same except myself. i know im changing, and i know who i wanna be, but you know, as einstein said: there's a relativity. i know i'm changing into someone i want, but i may less notice it. maybe i've been turning into monster or somehting i dont really know, and dont really think, also. all i know is im trying my best to make my life as good as it could be.

and now i really wanna thank Allah for the bless this year. this could be the year of awakening, maturity process, re-build my self. thank You, Allah, for letting me be this self. thank You for the lessons, the mistakes, the achievement. thank You...:) i would never thank You enough for the life You're giving to me:)

thankyou family, friends, and all. thank you....:) this year has been really good... with its ups and downs, i stilll can enjoy 2011. the year of total hard work, if i could name this year. thank you!!

now designing the next year. here some new year resolution of mine:

1. get closer to Allah, fix myself as a religious person-should be:)

2. have a really strong bond with family

3. have straight A for every block, smarter and more dilligent and discipline.

4. can drive a car

5. can cook few meals

6. be a vegan!

7. get 5000.000 rupiahs from sallary savings

8. have a good time menegement

9. inspire MANY people:)

10. get my confidence back with less egoistic side.

11. have a healthy life style; good diets, regular exercise, drink more mineral water.

over all i only wanna be the better version of me in every possible way. amin:)

but generally, i just wanna be the whole ability a woman ever need. in the first 3 months i wanna learn to drive safely, and the next 3 months i wanna learn to cook, and the next 3 months maybe learn about some arts, and the last 3 months? evaluating or doing any thing:)

now what's yours? happy new year people! thankyou!!

family vacay

desember. my favorite month

i have plenty of ideas about what to write here. i miss blogging. digging back to the past moments i've tasted, felt again, and be strong again. i miss reading about the days i've passed. if you read my post since the very first time im here, you'll see how much i grow up. from the noisy and emotional girl turn into a person with more thoughts and fake smile but still, happy inside with bittersweet past and great friends.

i always adore how Allah gives me scenes of life. i always surprised of the His new directions. i always find lesson and reason beyond every mistakes, every ups and downs. i always wondering; who's the best guy on earth that He'll give to me. who'll i end up to be. what will my life would turn out in the end.

i really want a smart guy. a smart guy who knows about life, who passionately chase his degree on college, who really loves me, who passionately curious about life, the guys who can be a religiously living the life without being looked like so freak, he should be relax more than me, optimistic and positive thinker, he should be a very boyish and manly one, he should love soccer, a bit stubborn, but very gentle and caring, he should be thinking about future much and me inside that, he should be a man with big imagination about the globalization future and how he's living that way, he must understand how i adore john mayer and Sore, it's better if he loves indie and easy listening music too, would be nice if he can play basketball and guitar, he should be love reading and spending time on travelling and watching good movie. i want a family guy, who love his family and he should be independent, not spend much cash on something unnecessary, should not be tweeting much (i know), and we should meet on the right time at the right place in the right situation.
fuck. im crazy writing about this. but at least i know what i want and i dont wanna have any relationship unless it would be with that guy or.... i dont think it will last long.


i've been doing a new job, which is good. and what about your study? i almost forget im on medschool at this very moment. im listening to john mayer, looking at good pictures on website, writing a bit craps of my days, looking at the timeline in twitter, seeing how much people wine and moan this days. i havent been prepariing for the study-case tomorrow. i havent been writing work plan, or any of that. i just wanna lay in bed, doing nothing but writing, listening music, and doing all my favorite things i havent been done lately. i need more me-time. i really need that. or just those successful people have it less?

well, i actually never had a free weekend, each weekend, i need to go out, meet somebody else, and all. at some point, i was happy. but then i felt like i lost some kind of inner joy. i have time with my self less. i have time to think about my self less. i need to do some betterment but it wont happen unless i think about it and have my self loose. as i am doing now.




here comes again december. the month when i love to reflex back into the days before, the months before. yes, i need the change in my life. i need to re-state what i should become. im kinda lost nowadays. one thing i should be clear on: my number one priority is study. i should get the straight A for all classes, for all blocks, for all semester, till the end of my academic year. untill i get clinic rotation, i should get the best score for all. please Nin, please Allah, please... please let it be.
you should work harder Nin, Study harder Nin... get your sleeping time less, please read more, please pay much attention more, please be focus more, please please please....
and please dearest Allah, dont let me alone without Your guidance, please be close to me, please grant all my wishes, shape me into someone beautiful inside and out, let me have the inner peace to control any destructive things from outside.


and December... please be good:)

the rainy days.

updated: i am working on the project i've been dreaming for years and i'll get paid for it. HOW FUN!:P

college stuffs still fill my days. as usual. as it should be. but now i can manage my time better. i just realized that.... what if i die tomorrow. when i only had my time to study all the time and still cant get the best grade; would i regret? would i be sorry? and the answer is just a big yes. so i try to enjoy the days, better. i have fun everyday, cherish every moment, wasting time (a tiny bit:p in a guilty feeling:p), but at least.... i don't postpone happiness:) because happiness is what we should feel in every thing we do. happiness brings joy and it should be within us every day. even a big storm get trough me, i should have a happiness inside myself so i can get trough bad days and see a clear rainbow after that. Allah teaches me this, in every possible way. Allah trynna to tell me this in every way He could but i just sooooo real late to realize this. after i got a little...(let's say it's little to make me feel less guilty, k?) failure. well, failure is never really a failure if we can get a real value from it:)

and i just realized that, i have the bestest friends i could possibly have. had a great time with them last week and they're always remembering me about who i really am, or at least who i was, so i can get back to the place where i start. so i can remember all the things that put me here. so when i'm about to give up, i just run to it, instead. thank you guys. i cant get the better version of you. never. ever:)

diss the little-cold and creative one, sandy the wise and widely open minded one, anna the...hyperbolic-yet-so-sweet-and-talkative one, and ririe the understanding and outstandingly wellknown one:p i love you guys. more than any word can describe. thank you for being there at my ups and especially at my downs:)

and i love the rain. i love how i remember those days before, the smell of the rain last year, or the last two years, or more. i just love the end of the year. i love designing my life, again. i love my life, and the most of all, i love you Allah. thanks for Your guidance so far. im so blessed having You in my life:)

thank you for the jerks, also, for treating me that bad. so i can finally see the good guy, clearly:)

writing is my passion. drawing is my hobby. and going abroad is my deepest wish. so let's working hard for them. bismillahirahmanirahim:)

bad dream, if i couldn't say it was nightmare.

i've trough the first block of this semester. and i could say i've got notsogood grades. i was hoping for getting 4 for my first GPA but..... it's kinda.... mm needs more than just a hardwork and prayer. should be a miracle there. i learnt too much out of the subjects i need to be good at. i was too excited and more proud. i wasn't smart enough to study. i studied hard but not so smart. but i should thank Allah for this. i've learnt SO MUCH trough these hard times:) yes, grades are big things.

now im gonna talking about... wearing hijab.

it's been a while since it's bombing lately. variety of hijabs are everywhere, remembering me that Indonesia is one of those moslem-majority country. i've been wearing hijab since i was about 4 but strictly wear that since i was 7. and never knew the value behind that until i was in high school.

my kinda-religious high school learnt me so many things.

hijab is not hijab unless it covered all the body parts that need to be covered plus chest.covering your hair is not only covering around the head but as wide to cover your chest-area also. hijab shouldn't let us showing out shape by using some kinda "shaping" tops or jeans. everything we wear should be loose and good. but it needs time, i appreciate people who try to wear hijab even it's not perfectly hijab but they've tried. i haven't wear the hijab perfectly good too..:)

but one thing, IT'S NOT the readiness or the clean and good heart we should have BEFORE we wear hijab. because that would never be a readiness, or a clean, good heart UNLESS we wear hijab itself. the hijab stops us doing something not appropriate. and it stops me doing MANY bad things... alhamdulillah:)

i'm trying my best to wear the most appropriate and good-looking hijab, but at times i failed. and i haven't been at my best in religious-stuff. but i wish i have more courage to do much more betterment on that. i love You, Allah.

i love how You give me scenes of life, let me cry but give me total laugh at the end. how You give me lessons of life in the way i can't even thought before. You give me freedom and peaceful at the same time. You give me the people i really need and the ones that make me happy the most. You're the center of my life. i hope i can do much more for You. i hope You will be closer to me, in me. Thank You, Allah:)

last night i spent the weekend with Dissa and Anna which was so fun and.. they're the ones that fit me perfectly. they're my bestest mate:)

phases.

No I'm not color blind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an open mind but...
I just can't sleep on this tonight
Stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly won't someone stop this train

Don't know how else to say it, don't want to see my parents go
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own

Stop this train
I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't but honestly won't someone stop this train

So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game to find away to say that life has just begun
Had a talk with my old man
Said help me understand
He said turn 68, you'll renegotiate
Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
Don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we'll never stop this train

See once in a while when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
'til you cry when you're driving away in the dark.

Singing stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take this speed it's moving in
I know I can't
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train


John Mayer - Stop This Train.



this might be the sing that fits me the best this time. i feel like i've flown too fast, i feel like dont wanna go trough these all; in short i feel like wanna give up, if i didnt remember the efforts i made.

college life is frustrating. the people are hard. i don't feel comfortable here. at first.

but let me look at the past. the past that shows me how i wanted this so bad. the past that shows me how big effort i made for this.
now i'm ready to start all over. im ready to get trough this no matter what.
and let alone the past be past. let present be present (gift), and believe in what future will give. i believe more in Allah, which has always helped me trough hard time. last week was probably the hardest week in my 17th age. and i cried almost everynight:")

but i aint be that weak. im gonna stand still and prove those bad people that im gonna be a valuable person. amin:)

cerita kebun binatang

"kamu mau pergi?"
"apa ada yang tertinggal? jangan coba-coba bilang itu hatiku. jangan pura-pura itu belum hilang ditengah jalan berhari-hari yang lalu."
"tolong.. jangan seperti ini ..."
"apa? kamu. kamu yang jangan kayak gini. ngiket pake kata-kata, tapi ngelepas aku sebebas-bebasnya ke kebun binatang."
"tapi binatang-binatang itu punya kandang."
"tapi mereka juga masih bisa meneriaki aku! masih bisa menakut-nakuti aku..."
"kamu takut?"
"siapa yang enggak? kamu nggak ngerti."
"aku selalu berusaha buat ngerti.."
"mana buktinya? kalau kamu ngerti, coba peduli lebih banyak. lihat aku. apa aku aman? apa aku nyaman? peduli, itu?"

percakapan itu membuyarkan mimpi indahku semalam; pergi ke kebun binatang, saat tanteku masih hidup. itu adalah saat pertama dan terakhir kalinya aku ke kebun binatang. kebun binatang....

***

walking in between fantasy and reality.

i've been encouraging myself to write blog post for weeks. 'i have to write these all!' said my mind to my body. but i don't feel like writing anything until this exact time. 11.00 pm. i don't know what i really wanna write, but i just wanna picture you my reality.

i've accepted in the best med school in Indonesia, said QS surveys. proud? yes i am. but life isn't just about pride, right? this is kinda hard. not saying about the subjects, bcs actually i haven't started any class yet. the first block has its own schedule; unlike other majors, the freshmen of medschool have a week (more) off.

i've been around with smart-ass people, and some of them said they only relied on their luck. well, in this case i mostly said my hardwork and prayer that helped me so much to get in here. there are so many new people. some of them are good, but the rest are.. i don't know. i just hasn't got the time to know them better yet. i feel like left behind, when some of my friends have their own circle of friends. i only know some better. i'm not sure whether it is my circle friends or not, i just feel most comfortable with those few ones.

i know, college life will be rude and the people are also kinda individuals living together. but i just.... haven't got used to it. at that time i felt. what for i get into this school? i could be more relaxed if i were majoring something more light, that wasn't about anyone's life, that didn't put as much pride as this thing, that didn't get as much attention as this. but what for am i complaining? then i asked my self. for nothing. i have to be responsible for what I've chosen.

then Allah gave me a reminder. i read an article about saving gaza last 2010. i remembered what i have to do. what i wanna do. cancer, kids, internal medicine and war victims are still my favorite. i still have such a big heart for doing medical stuff, learn more about that.


i just don't comfortable with the people... yet.
and i kinda dislike a very few ones.


but im very thankful i've got some new nice friends. i hope everything will go smoothly soon. really soon.
thanks for the big support, girls. no one would replace any of you. not even a guy... yet!:p

last friday

yeah, if it's not clear enough, this is the last friday before the college life starts. i am excited beside very scared of what will be coming to me. new friends, new place, new subjects; as i wanted, and (please) still want are really... matters. i always picture on my mind, studying in a peaceful place, and stay focus on study, like staying in library for hours, staying up late for reading. but i can't guarantee i would do that..... but i have to. i have to. i have to.

it's not that i am not clearly being thankful of all of this. but, im afraid this will be far from what i've imagined. i always afraid to face the reality. i was living in a drama i made for lightening my reality. well, the reality had punched me a little. i met few college friends and see some of them in facebook group. im so sorry to write this, but i don't feel comfortable with them. or just not yet? i don't really know.

most of those who wants to be doctors want to get most money, or follow what their parents want them to do, or just have no idea what their super good brains are for.
i hate the fact that i'll not be with those who are passionately help the world to cure it the best.
they're not global minded. they think that taking med school and have specialization study after that are the best thing they could ever do.
i wanna meet people who dream about making new medicine, cure hiv/aids, have a project on cancer cells. well, i am sorry for being so under estimate, over reacting, and so judging at the first meet. i know this is wrong, but i don't wanna disappointed more than this.


but this aint about those others students. this is how can you help the world instead. if being an ordinary curing doctor helps the world, i'm sure i will be one of them. but.... im gonna make it clear how i wanna help the world, but first i wanna be the part of it. i wanna study abroad. most of people say: we doctors dont need to go abroad 'cause it's different thing we learn in other country and make no benefit when we come back home.
well, i'll prove you wrong. small-minded guys that got trapped in bureaucracy are the ones i expect the least i wanna learn from. i wanna be around world-class tutors, wide-minded people, thick books, hard worker people, independent students, and all. i want the experiences and the study. please please please, Allah, let me get this dream:)
amin..

half of words.

the days pass really fast. dan ini dalam arti harafiah. bukan tipikal hari-berlalu-cepat-dan-tidak-terasa. ini juastru sebaliknya, hari berjalan cepat, tapi terisi. aku punya jadwal pekerjaan yg berbeda-beda tiap hari nya. kegiatan IFL yang walaupun capek, tapi bikin kepuasan batin saat udah nyelesaiin dengan baik. sebenarnya aku rada takut balik ke dunia nyata. kedokteran sedikit-sedikit jadi lebih menakutkan. i'm playing with people's destiny; the life and death. well, this is the thing that made me excited for the first time, i can make people live longer than they should. but what if i make some mistakes and do the reverse?

aku masuk bidang ini karna ketertarikan secara emosional. dan sadar, bahwa emosional nggak akan membawaku kemana-mana saat menempuh pendidikan ini. bisa-bisa aku nangisin mayat2 yang aku belah2 nantinya. sadar bahwa emosi yang awalnya membawa aku sejauh ini juga bisa bikin aku jadi dokter yang nggak profesional. emosi yang membantu aku meraih impianku, harus aku bekukan sedikit demi sedikit untuk menjadikan aku dokter yang kompeten; really?

aku nggak pernah tau, sampai aku bener-bener ngejalaninnya. tapi sejujurnya, dibalik semua kekhawatiran dan ketakutan itu, termasuk ketakutanku untuk nggak punya temen baru, aku merasa sangat beruntung dan semangat. i love doing magic, i love living in my dream:)

how the days pass

udah lama banget ya, sejak potingan terakhirku. hehe iya, sekarang agak sedikit hectic.

i'm starting to work at my brother's office. gampang sih kerjaannya, gajinya jg nggak seberapa. cuma, seneng aja, disana aku ketemu keluarga baru:D kalo inget awal-awal abankirenk ada, rasanya.. lama sekali... aku lupa, awalnya itu smp apa sd ya, yang jelas aku masih sangat kecil. aku sering bikinin kakakku kopi atau milo, karna dia bilang, dia bakal jadiin aku sekertarisnya nanti di kantornya, saat abankirenk sudah besar. dan aku sih seneng-seneng aja. siapa yang nggak seneng, kerja sama kakaknya sendiri, cuma bikin kopi, tapi di gaji. hahaha. waktu itu cuma ada beberapa orang di kamar mas mirwan. and one thing i surely remember is their smoke. aku baru bener-bener tau rokok saat itu. buka kamar=buka cerobong asap. hahah. terus makin besar, mulai nyewa-nyewa tempat. kecil kecil, masih nggak cukup utk produksi, jd cuma sebagai showroom aja, terus lama lama, bisa nyewa yang lebih besar lagi. hehe dan yg paling settle adalah kantor pertama di deket hyatt, which is owned by my daddy actually ehehe, but my brother still pays for the rent though:D itu kantor pertama... makin besar... buka cabang di semarang.. dan lain-lain. sekarang ada kantor design, foto, dan marketing di jogja. di luar kota, aku nggak tau banyak:)

hehe ini sebagian kecil sekali keluarga baru di abankirenk:)

as this company grows bigger, kakakku punya waktu lebih sedikit untuk aku. dulu, aku dekeet banget sama dia. tapi, makin lama dia nggak bisa terus-terusan manjain aku. dan aku masih terus-terusan minta dimanja. ini yang bikin kita makin jauh. yah, at least aku bisa lebih deket sama kakak perempuanku. which is such a bless, kalo inget gimana kita bertengkar sangat parah beberapa tahun kebelakang:)

lalu kegiatan kedua yang juga lumayan menyita adalah IFL. indonesian future leaders chapter yogyakarta. i've been dreaming to do such a voluteering stuffs, dan IFL adalah satu-satunya pada saat itu yang ada dengan based leadership for better indonesia. sekarang di jakarta, maupun jogja, mungkin ada IYC, atau FFI, atau parlemen muda. but back to 2 months ago, aku baru tau IFL. sebenarnya, sebelumnya aku mendaftar salah satu non profit organisasi tentang menumbuhkan semangat membaca dan mendidik anak0anak kurang mampu. sayangnya, aku jarnag buka email saat itu, jadi ketinggalan untuk mengumpulkan syarat-syarat dan lain-lain.. :( tapi nggak papa, mungkin ini artinya aku harus lebih aktif di IFL:) semoga ini membawa pengaruh baik, nggak cuma buat diriku tapi juga orang lain:)

over all, aku senang sekali sibuk seperti ini. sibuk yang insyaAllah memberi manfaat. alhamdulillah, karna ini juga aku bisa lupa sama beberapa hal yang memang tidak perlu aku ingat lagi. alhamdulillah.

oh ya selamat menunaikan ibadah puasa semua! kiss*

become a medstudent

aku inget banget, waktu smp, aku sering banget pulang sekolah naik bis dari sebrang sekolah, langsung ke rumah sakit, jenguk bude yanti yang lagi di rawat di ruang cendrawasih, atau kalo cendrawasih habis, biasanya ke ruang kusuma atau cempaka. bude adalah pengidap kanker payudara stadium 3. salah satu payudaranya udah diambil, tapi kanker terlanjur nyebar ke hampir seluruh badan bude. benjolan demi benjolan bude temui. bude terus menjalani kemo terapi, sampai bude memutuskan untuk membabat habis seluruh rambutnya, karna baginya melihat rambutnya rontok lebih menyedihkan daripada melihat dirinya sendiri tanpa rambut.

sampai saat itu, aku nggak pernah terpikir untuk menjadi dokter. aku cuma ingin kerja di kantoran, punya gaji besar, bertemu banyak orang, dengan baju yang modis dan dikelilingi banyak teman di ruangan dan hidup yang melegakan. tapi sebenarnya, tanpa aku sadari, aku suka sekali rumah sakit. suka dnegan keramah tamahan perawat, mata berbinar-binar dari pasien-pasien yang bahkan mungkin sudah divonis tidak akan hidup lebih lama lagi, semangat dan ilmu yang dibawa dokter untuk membuat keadaan lebih baik, atau bahkan bila tidak benar-benar lebih baik, untuk membuat keadaan terlihat lebih baik. i really really like hospital for sure.

pada akhirnya aku sadar, bahwa sebagai manusia aku belum bermanfaat. dan jadi dokter..., sampai sekarang buat aku, menjadi dokter adalah pekerjaan yang akan membuat aku menjadi orang yang lebih bermanfaat. aku tau, pekerjaan lain pun sebenarnya bermanfaat juga, di bidang masing-masing. cuma aku suka ini! sama aja kayak orang yang lagi suka-sukaan. kita nggak pernah bener-bener tau apa yang bikin kita suka sama orang itu, tapi kita tau apa yang kita suka dari orang itu.

aku suka pekerjaannya; menolong orang, membantu Tuhan menyalurkan obatNya, bertemu banyak orang, memberi harapan. aku suka belajarnya; human body, penyakit, cara penyembuhan, biokim, well i basically love reading, a lot!

and how did i get here?

yang jelas awalnya aku tau apa yang aku pengen. ada orang yang bilang ini mimpi, visi, tujuan, atau apa pun orang menyebutnya; tapi ini sesuatu yang aku pengeeen banget capai, dan aku usahakan. kelas 1, aku sempet dapet ranking 28. aku nangis sejadi-jadinya. gimana enggak, waktu smp aku nggak pernah keluar dari 10 besar. tapi aku sadar, aku sering banget bolos, dirumah jarang banget belajar, dan emang studi bukan tujuan utamaku saat itu. aku bener-bener pengen mengeksplor diriku, pengen tau masa-masa indah sma itu kayak apa. dan emang indah.

lalu kelas 2, aku udah mulai sadar. lama-lama rankingku naik jadi masuk 20 besar. itu aja aku udah bersyukuuuurrr... banget! padahal aku tau, itu nggak ada apa-apa nya. aku mulai pilih-pilih jam bolos dan sering pulang pagi--pulang pagi disini itu sebelum jam 4 maksudnya.terus dirumah belajar.. tapi aku nggak pernah bisa masuk 15 besar saat itu.

dan kelas 3, aku mompa belajarku. aku nggak ambil bimbel untuk harian, aku les privat untuk matika, fisika, dan kimia, masing-masing satu kali. aku nyesel nggak ambil biologi juga, karna bahan uan dan snmptn itu beda sama yang biasanya diajari ibu guru, dan kalo mau jago ya harus hapal buku cetak atau diajari guru les. aku ambil bimbel tiap hari minggu aja. aku tidur pernah sampai 4 jam sehari, lalu 5 jam sehari, sampai uan. aku pagi bangun jam 2, sholat, belajar, shubuh, sarapan, mandi, berangkat sekolah, pmkt (latian soal), sekolah, istirahat kadang aku pakai buat curi waktu buat tidur di uks, terus pulang, ngerjain pr atau tidur, terus les, magrib, makan, isya, belajar sampai jam 10. aku punya byku soal2 semua mapel dari 2 publisher yg berbeda, aku habisin satu paket 6 mapel dari satu publisher sebelum uan. aku kerjain juga lks detik2 uan yang sayangnya belum habis, padahal 75% soal-soal uan yang keluar pasti ada di lks itu, atau at least disinggung di lks itu. lalu 6 mapel soal-soal dari publisher yang satunya aku kerjain abis uan, aku juga beli soal2 snmptn 5 taun, dan soal2 matematika yang bagus banget dari sebuah bimbel, tapi sayangnya juga belum habis sampai aku selesai belajar untuk snmptn:"(

hasil dari semua usahaku itu, alhamdulillah hasilnya memuaskan. ranking dari try out intern atau ekstern alhamdulillah masuk 50 besar, bahkan 20 besar pararel. ini bukan untuk menyombongkan, tapi aku cuma pengen orang tau, bahwa nggak ada yang nggak mungkin, bahwa aku pun dari ranking 8 terendah di kelas bisa masuk 20 besar teratas di sekolah atau bahkan di sebuah try out ekstern. aku selalu merasa kalau aku cuma beruntung dapat ranking segitu, karna kalo orang tanya, aku belum tentu bisa jawab. dan aku bersyukur, aku seberuntung itu. anw, beruntung itu juga diusahakan lho!

setelah uan selesai aku fokus snmptn lagi, aku takut nggak lolos undangan, walaupun aku tau aku nggak punya banyak kesempatan juga. saat menunggu seleksi undangan tidurku udah bisa 6 jam sehari. semenjak selesai uan, aku ikut bimbel intensif setiap hari sampai snmptn, bekal persiapan kalau aku nggak lolos undangan. lalu seleksi undangan diumumkan, dan aku memang enggak lolos. disaat banyak sekali temen-temenku yang lolos, aku drop. pada saat mbuka hasilnya emang biasa aja, tapi sehari setelahnya, bangun pagi dan ngerasain gimana nyatanya hasil seleksi itu, aku mulai nangis. tapi langsung nyari temen untuk mencambuk semangat ku lagi. untung ada lala, tia, sandy dan cici yang terus bikin semangat.

sama aja kayak waktu sekolah, aku bangun jam 3, sholat malam, belajar sampai shubuh, lalu belajar lagi, terus mandi, les, abis les istirahat makan siang sholat, belajar lagi, sholat, belajar, magrib, makan, belajar sampai jam 10. gituuu terus. jenuh? jenuh banget. setaun aku belajar kayak gitu. bahannya sama aja, soal-soalnya gitu2 aja, tapi aku belum bener-bener jago. jelas banyak yang jauh lebih jago dari aku. dan kesempatan ini cuma sekali seumur aku hidup. jadi aku nggak mau menyia-nyiakan kesempatan ini, sama sekali. aku pernah ditolak sekali, dan jujur aja aku nggak siap ditolak untuk kedua kalinya. aku terus berdoa agar aku diterima, karna doaku dulu adalah diikhlaskan atas keputusan apapun itu. ya, aku emang ikhlas setelah itu, tapi aku ingin diterima, jadi aku berdoa terus untuk diterima.

dan alhamdulillah aku diterima. di sekolah kedokteran di perguruan tinggi negri ternama di kotaku:)

dreams do come true. dreams do come true. make your own dream, make it come true with your own way:)

ALHAMDULILLAH, DREAMS DO COME TRUE!

ALHAMDULILLAH:)

i cant lie my self

"it's been a while since i wrote stuffs on blog. i leave my old blog on blogger because it contained more feelings than thoughts. stupid and twisted feelings; kinda hate to read them again. those posts give me back the old feelings i should never thought. so that's why i made the WordPress one:)

dan aku mulai menulis menggunakan bahasa indonesia, kembali. sebenernya agak aneh sih nulis pakai bahasa gini, cuma aku nggak mau kehilangan kemampuan menulisku dalam bahasa indonesia! aku nggak bisa menjamin kalau aku bakal selamanya menulis pakai bahasa indonesia, it sounds... awkward for me (haha bahasa inggris lagi:p), cuma ya aku harus berusaha!:D

and i'm writing this as i have many readers... when it's none. bukan apa apa, tapi dari dulu sih aku nulisnya gini. ada atau tidak ada yang membaca pada faktanya, tapi aku menulis memang untuk dibaca sih sebenernya. ........... hahaha bohong. aku nggak pernah menulis untuk dibaca orang. i write because something's glued on my mind and i can't stand it, so i trash them all on blog.

now what's on my mind?

it's managing my life. we're never know how long we're gonna breath. it's maybe today, tomorrow, next month, next year, or maybe next five years, is our last time to breath. and that fact has been freaking me out. what if i'm gonna die tomorrow. have i done something great? will the world lost someone great? will the people lost someone important? well... at least, will the world lost on of its helper? will people lost one personality that would never be replaced? the answer of those must be a big no. it's kicking my stomach already.

people say: live for your own sake. im gonna say: im going to live for God's sake and people sake. im gonna leave a b0ld foot print. that's my vision of life........ lols. it's not that im thinking of that vision everyday, but when i'm lost, i'll always be remembering my self that i have to be something in life, not for my self, but for the people who need helps. there are billions of people, few of them living the life beautifully and the rest living the life suffering. i just find my self so happy making people happy, too. it's relieving!:) so i decided to make people happy as my purpose of life, since i wanna be happy in my entire life!

i've worked hard to make people happy, but their states of happiness are so random, literally. some of people like to be treated like A but the rest like to be treated like B, etc. it's tiring. then i finally found that i must be make it smaller; make my purpose smaller. since i like meeting new people and seeing hopes, i wanna be a doctor. i used to go to hospital every day because my auntie had a breast cancer that had spread all over her body--before she died 7 years later. and i love how hospital gives hopes to people, how nice the doctors and the nurses. and basically i love reading. i love being such a geek. i love dreaming to be a doctor, then.

i stopped on that. i cant think what minor i would be working on, would i be a doctor on hospitals, or be a lecturer, or have a clinic, or make a hospital, or anything. i just want to be as smart as i can, and i wanna help people as much as i can. please pray for me!

i should write these all in bahasa indonesia, right? $@%#^#^

oke. mungkin lain kali aku akan nulis pake bahasa indonesia, tapi enggak sekarang. aku nggak punya tenaga lagi buat menerjemahin semua ini;p

see ya!"

that was my post on wordpress, my wordpress. i tried to build something new. i want to forget the old me. but i cant. this is me, the old the new the now. i have to accept those 3 parts of me and im not going to lie to my self anymore. this sounds like a kind of self affirmation, doesn't it?:p hahaha whatever it is, it's reliving to be back writing here, again:)

is this really June already? ghhh, im feeling like im going trough 2011 without really doing anything. so saad!:( but the rest 2o11 im gonna make a huge effort to make this year lasts! wish me luck!:)

another Hello, again

i was watching a reality show then one question bothered me, so much.
"Do you believe in yourself?"
"... Eighty percent ... yes ..."
"Really? Because what we're seeing is you're eighty percent do not believe in yourself."

I felt like shot gunned.
Then I asked myself, "Do you believe in yourself?"

you can see me smiling all over, doing silly Things, talking like I do not care about anything but me but inside, I Actually Almost can not believe any of what I do.
I do not know when was the first time I started to feel that way. Because Actually I was born reallllly bold. All of my family loves me. They tell me I'm beautiful and incredible as a kid. I was brave Enough to walk alone without any adult since I was on Kindergarten. I believed That I was good Enough to live. I had no doubt about anything.


But then it changed.
I got my friends Rejected me since I was on fifth graders. They said it's how I talked, how I Moved My lips, how I made friends with circles of friends That annoyed Them. They made me do every group-task We Had. They insulted what I'd done. They made me wrote a love letter to someone's crush, and then that person took me to a place and she mad at me for that. I was forced! If I didn't do that, they said they would never be my friends. And those friends WHO forced me just laughing and just made the situation worse.
When I'm writing this my heart hurts. And I just remembered that I've been forgetting this since....years ago


Then junior high school. I was not a smart ass on elementary school back then, but I was confident enough that it might be hard but I still hadn't lose my hope to get into the best school in town. Then I was accepted. At the first month there, I cried. I missed my friends, not the ones That bullied me. But the guy-friends. (Yes, in elementary school, I failed made friends with those girls, so I tried to have a good friendship with boys and it worked.) When I finally Could pass the first year, the second year wasn't much better. Almost a whole class hated me. They even had a special occasion, kind of meeting for every girl in the class, with Some lists in papers of what's so bad about me. You know, now what I Recognize from myself is what is so bad about me. Some people ware kind Enough to treat me normally. But no one really fought that. I thought it was karma for me, for ever did that to a person WHO laid a whole class. at that moment, it was like: now it's my turn!! I can not say I'm a saint. i know what i did is just wrong. and it happened for reasons, for making me realize that it's not anyone's right to judge people, to make other's life seem worse, because the world itself is cruel. At least I could learn That I SHOULD NEVER judge anyone for what They had chosen in life.
Almost every day I cried. Things I wrote on book. I kept blaming myself for having Such an ugly personality. The closest friends were the ones WHO hated me the best, it was such a. .. I do not know. I just do not know how to properly write what I felt. They Might hate me so much for this post. They always toll me ........ That should I forget it all. But if you were me, can you forget a terrible memory? When no-one can not accept you. When you feel like you DONT have any place to go, to stay, except my bedroom? You do not have anyone to talk to. Because you can not imagine you have not felt that way. May you then say: I know how to behave, unlike you. That's the point. They kept telling me what's wrong about me without letting me know how to fix it. I was so confused. And ... Is there no one that has worse personality than mine? There will Be many. So if you want to fix me, why did you use unpleasant words?
That time I needed justify.
Then Some guy-friends felt bad about me. I made friends with most of Them. But then I was said as a bitchy.
Then I saved my money to buy some self-helping books. Then They said I was on a bad diet.

Every morning in the car, when We Crossed Gramedia book store, my heart beat faster. What am I going to do today? Am I going to survive? Can't I just skip school?

Senior year. I thought it would be better. Well, it was better. But I Remembered, again. It was afternoon and my closest friend was sitting on the opposite of me, looking through my eyes, then looking down, then looking at EACH other. They were the resource persons like on the opposite. Then They said what's bad about me again. They talked as it was for me, but Actually, it hurt.
Then I said to one of my friend: I do not feel like I deserve you all. I am too bad to anybody.
And she said: what did you say? Come on ...

Enough of junior high school, it was the time to focus on getting to the best school in town. but then I just don't have confidence. I Didn't believe That I can't get trough the best high school in town.
Then I Didn't get into the best school. I Did not even apply for that. That I was that not confident.


The high school I got into is the modest one. That I was not comfortable at first, so I made friends as much as I could, played as much as I could, skip as many classes I could. It was fun.
Then, second year. People started to hate me. They talked my back. No one was really on my side. The ones I trust the ones WHO also spilled my story and made others hate me more. Why? Because I seemed like seek so much attention, annoying, buzzing, and others. But do you notice? i didn't really do something that bother their life, actually. I did not spill Their secrets, I did not back stab people, I did not lie people. I treated Them as good friends.


And this is a big truth: People see me like I fall for guys so easily, but actually, I fall for how They showed Their feelings to me. How They paid attention to me. How They seemed like would do anything for me.

And I didn't really fall for many guys. There is just one I can not forget, I can not get out of my mind. But Some of my friends didn't like us being together so much; they acted like... forget it. Then I was like on a crossing road: Between the friends I've been Longing and the one I loved the most.

Then I chose friends

Because I have never really had Them. And the love? ...

And I cried a lot at night. i ever thought to get a psychologist .... but I was never brave enough to just come to a professional helper. I was too broken to anyone.

well, my forever friends are just books and music. They helped me a lot trough these all. Although they can't perfectly heal me, I just feel better to put my focus on other things.


The more I read books, the more I want to be a doctor. I feel like un-beneficial human beings. I thought doctor can make people think that Their life is saved. People love how doctor knows what to do to make Them better. I love how people feel blessed because of what doctor does to Them, even just what doctor does a procedure in his job. I love how people feel so happy just because doctor had checked them and Gave Them advice. It's like everyone Would like me, Because I seem like heal Them or even just make Them feel better.

Biggest So That is my motivation to be a doctor.
To simply be happy and accepted.
And I'm working hard on it. Dear God, please, I beg you please, let me get this chance to get into the best med. School in this town. Pretty please? Amen.




.....
.....
.....
Now I have nothing to write.
Now I feel so much better ...
I do not lie:)





and despite of those Things, I really appreciate the ones WHO keep supporting me. I'm sorry for have not be a good person, yet. I m sorry I ever bothering annoying being a bad human being. and I'm sorry for ever just being me ...

and I'm sorry if any of my words hurt you here, any of whoever WHO read this (even just one or two Humans). I just try to be true of what I've been feeling. You do not know how I feel, keeping this, without having anyone to share. Any single one. So I try to share here, so for anyone who feels the way I feel, gets trough what I've been trough, I just Want to say: you are not alone.

and this is not like i don't forgive the people, or i hate them. i've never taught to hate people. but i just can't let the hatred of the past goes. i just can't forgive the past.

I promise I keep changing me into the better.
People Might say: you are not true to yourself!
But I will from say: what if true to me does not Enough for anybody?

Thanks for bothering yourself to read Such a Long Readings. Thanks for not judging after you read this. Thanks for apologizing and keep me Praying for me.

"Barangsiapa yg tdk ridha thdp ketentuan-Ku, dan tdk sabar atas musibah dari-Ku, maka carilah Tuhan selain Aku." (HR. Bukhari&Muslim)

vday

this is the sweet. really. could you mention any singer who ever did the same thing as that? he's incredible! and sweet:)

Januari ;-)

"Yeah, move fast, be bold. Focus on impact. And, I think , you know, I think long term focus is a really important part of this and we've had a lot of opportunit1es to optimize for the shorter term whether it's in selling the company or doing in different products that would have benefited us in the short term but not optimized for the long term impact. I just think opportunities like this don't come around that often. So, when you get one, I feel like you almost have a duty to see it through and built it to be what it can be."

January is almost over. i just can't believe that 2011 would be running this fast, really. last week i did a med.school entrance's test, private college one. and alhamdulillah, i'm accepted:) but youknow what, it becomes blurry now. all my dreams to be a doctor, is going to be blurry. doesn't mean i don't wanna be a doctor, but..... it's like. 'ok, i'm accepted, so why don't i jump into that college like now, study about anatomy, pathology, and all, forget about the other tests? but no, you have to do national exams, do a state-college-enrollment-test. rrr, oke. do that. let's say i've accepted in somewhat university studying medicine ... then what? study again. reaal hard. so ok, let's do it. saying hello again to slepless night. another 5 periode of slepless night. less holiday. then well, i'd be a doctor, then what?'
and after that me-and-my-mind fights, now all become moreeeee real than ever. as mark zuckerberg said:
I just think opportunities like this don't come around that often. So, when you get one, I feel like you almost have a duty to see it through and built it to be what it can be.

state university's enrollment test doesn't come that often, in my lifetime. so why don't we strive real hard, look what it would be, be proud of any result of that, say hello to other opportunities, smile again, work hard again anytime i see an opportunity again, and so on, and go on, and that's how life works. i'm gonna do this for the smart-ass people in the whole world that don't have that much opportunity as i have now. and for the God's sake. and for life's challenge's sake.

i hate the nowadays people's idea about getting something instantly. life isn't like polaroid camera, you click one, and the result come out that fast. someone said life's like a wheel, and another person said life's like going up to the mountain. i'd rather say that life is like a dry leaves. at first, you are green, hanging on a tree, then wind take you up and down, with its hard and slow way. you may swinging, or just staying at the ground, but wind always take you to an adventure once again, and once again, and once again, until you break down into pieces, and hopefully give a benefit to soil around. and for the people who belive in EVERYTHING COMES INSTANTLY, i'm gonna tell you one thing; that you're damn insane.

the point is, enjoy the whole proccess. when you wish it'd be end soon, it'd be end. you happy? not, you're not. you're missing the moments you've been spending without realizing. it'd be just like a blink of eye. or even if you're happy, there are plenty of processes you should do before you die. you think get something ended makes you happier? no. happy is nothing but inside your heart. i'm still working on that, as everyone else; be happy inside. let's work together. and Thanks God, i have You to help me get trough this:)



what's inspiring this month:
1. La Tahzan. REAAAALLLYYY GOOODDD!!!!
2. the social network.
3. imogen heaps.

so yeah, another week comes. goodluck everyone!:)

it's not about just living the life, it's about having a hope in dream. yet it's not only about having a dream, it's about striving real hard to get it. and after all, it's only about God behind it all;-)