the bittersweet of a failure

back in Januari, I had such a huge exam, let's call it an acting exams of being such a good doctor. it wasn't that i didnt prepare enough; i studied from 10 am to around 5 pm, then i studied at home till i was about to sleep. i did that for around two weeks. personally, maybe that amount of time wasn't enough for me. But overall, i can't say that i wasn't prepared enough.
Then the day. i am a person who may lack of confident. my mom often told me: jadi orang yang pede dong dek.. kok nggak pede gitu sih (in short: be such a confident person..). for example, in eleentary school, i checked the calendar over  and over again because my uniforms change each day, i was afraid that i used the wrong uniform. ok that one example of long long time ago. my confident hasn't boost much lately. so about this huge exam, i was soooo anxious. i was afraid of my self, i doubted my self and all.

the day. i was sure i was prepared enough... until i met a supervisor who didn't talk at all and didn't look at me when i was talking about the answer etc etc. my confidence level drops into minus. i was ready to burry myself and i couldn't wait to get out of the room, i didn't care about it. and after that room, i got into another room, which the supervisor was really nice and i was about to make a perfect act. but that perfection-thought killed me, i talked too much and thought a lot so i didn't really make it.

i was so devastated. i cried day and night for almost 3 days. I never failed at things. Not because i'm so goddamn great, but it's because i will not do anything if i wasn't sure i could and i would give my best into it. and i did my best, i thought. but things didn't turn out like what i wanted.
then the day of 3, i got the worst stomachache ever. i cried because it hurt so much. the a doctor examined me in my bed, and se asked me: what are you stressing about? and gave me anti-spasm and antacid.

i didn't know that i could have that bad stomachache just because i was so sad about this test. i mean, i know about psychosomatic stuffs but idk if that could be THIS bad and I could get that. after that, my parents talked to me, the told me that everything will be just fine, they're fine with whatever the result is, and all. that helped me so much. really. one of my biggest dream is to make my parents happy and proud of me. their opinion is so important for me. and it was like a huge rocks lifted from my back. And then that moment i only focused to prepare my Umrah trip.

after Umrah, i got minor stomachache again remembered that the day of annaucement was so close. a day before the annoucement, i got a dream told me that i didn't make it. i only pass seven of nine stages while the passing grade was to pass eight of nine. in that morning i was waking up in confussion. could it be a sign?

then the day. i didn't make it. i was only pass seven of nine stage, as my dream told me. i was so sad. i felt like a failure. i don't wanna make my parents worry about me. i don't wanna re-do the exams just because i wasn't sure also whether i could pass that or not. etc. etc. etc.
but to be truth, i wasn't sad for such a long time. maybe for a day, or half a day. or when a friend im-ed me and told she was sad too. or when i was envious looking at a picture with hospital settings. but not like the days after i did the exam.

maybe it's because i had done Umrah which i was so dreaming about since 6-7 years ago. maybe because i bought A LOT of good books. maybe because i have such supporting parents. maybe because i had plan about it. maybe because i've got friends left also. but idk, i thought it wasn't right to be so devastated about one thing like i didn't get any blessing at all.

about the academic stuffs: got awesome GPA, i've got a straight As for this last semester (while on the other semesters, my biggest achievement was only a few semester who got no B), done the thesis defence in September which was a bit early compared to the rest of students, done the school for three and half year.
i don't know why i should sad about one thing when i've got MUCH blessings.

and then i see this not as a failure. i see this as Allah giving me a lot more time to do whatever i wanna do. i could USE this time or WASTE this as i want, but the point is, Allah gives me this 4 months of free time for me. and alhamdulillah, i've got few plan to work on those upcoming months, insyaAllah :)

i was anxious whether i could pass the next exam or not but, i am BIGGER than my fears. Allah is even The Greatest of all. i know where my dream is so i know i have to break my fears, i have to work hard, i  have to believe in my self in order to succeed that. and i keep praying so Allah will bless my wish and grant that. bismillah:)

And, eventhough i have many failures in relationships, but:
I'm so thankful that i ended up my previous relationships. i am so thanful i hadn't committed to long-term relationship to anyone so far. at the time like this, i need a space to grow, and i hadn't find the right man to grow with. the problem is, in relationship, you couldn't be so selfish or to think only about yourself. you need to let go some of you to fit in, thus i can't grow with that circumtance.
some of my friends often told me: you're too picky. but why can't i be picky if i was about to choose the leader of my upcoming days? why can't i be picky if i'm a kind of person who's ready to work hard and sacrify everything to be his woman? i need someone who will work harder than i do, that has bigger vision than i do,  who can take care of me at my best and at my worst. and if i cant find that person just now, it's not a big deal. i'd rather to be alone that to be with wrong person. and i'm not the one who want to repeat the same old mistake over again :)

a series of failures in such a beautiful month

i'm a bit dramatic person, i over-think most of the things, so this might be one of those little stuff that i hyperbole: but i thought i got a series of failures in this early December. a little thing like how i failed on my toefl exams (my score got 30 points lower than what i got in the last 6 months.), and how i...

but wait.
am i the only one who feel upset, feel bad about myself, feel like less worthy each time i didnt succeed?
i think im not.

i mean... well let's say i think too much and i keep my negativity too tight; but i know im not the only one who feel this way. though i have an almost perfect life, there will always be something that i didn't feel grateful about. or in this case, there are few things that i dont feel grateful enough.

after i read few sectons on The Psychology Book, i always try to remembering myself that: everytime you feel bad or good, your memories about that emotion come to you. when you feel sad, you tend to remember the bad things and when you feel happy you tend to remember more about happy things.
then i thought, it might be only my memories, hallucinations, and actually i didnt fail much.

but i do fail on few things. bcs i thought i didnt deserve it in the first place, bcs i didnt work hard enough for it, bcs i didnt put my focus on it, and bcs God didnt let me to for His own reason that only God understands.
so i keep believing, i keep on having a faith: that someday life will turn into really beautiful 'till i cant speak any single word to describe. someday, life will be that pretty.