How Taking Care of My Mental Health Changes Me as A Mother

 

Sebelumnya, aku udah cerita tentang 'beratnya' jadi ibu pada tahun pertama kehidupan anakku. Setelah mengalami ups and downs, akhirnya sekarang-sekarang ini aku merasa jauuuuh lebih baik dan itu karena aku mengusahakan kesehatan mentalku. And for me, it's not as simple as self care.

Setelah beberapa kali konsul ke psikiater via alodokter (she's super nice btw!), dan beberapa kali juga disarankan minum obat, aku mulai stuck. Kalau solusi dari psikiater adalah terapi temu langsung yang aku belum bisa lakukan, karena belum bisa ninggal anak, dan juga obat yang aku belum mau karena masih ASI, aku merasa harus cari bantuan lain. Entah gimana Allah mempertemukan aku sama solusinya. waktu aku cerita ke temenku, eh ternyata dia juga abis konsul ke psikolog online, via telfon. wow, kok menarik. Lalu aku mulai cari tau, browsing, membandingkan harga.. Akhirnya aku mantap untuk konseling via telfon dengan psikolog dari sebuah wadah psikolog online.

Pertemuan (telfon) pertama adalah konseling umum, diidentifikasi masalahnya dan lain-lain sampai disusun rencana terapi kalau aku menghendaki.. akhirnya aku terapi beberapa minggu setelahnya. Aku ngga rutin terapi tiap minggu, tapi kalo weekend kosong biasanya aku sempetin. And it helps me a lot.

Aku jadi sadar bahwa i still carry the emotional baggage that i have since my childhood, and i throw it all to my baby. Aku jadi tau mana pikiran irasional dan rasionalku, mostly pikiran irasionalku bentuknya kayak judgement negatif ke diri sendiri, sangat amat nggak sehat. Aku jadi lebih menghargai hal-hal kecil tentang aku dan anakku, tentang hubungan kami berdua. Aku merasa harus mengusahakannya karena she's all that i have and i'm all that she has entah sampai kapan. Aku ingin dia tumbuh menjadi anak yang sehat secara fisik dan mental, and it has to start from me, her mother, her very first caregiver.

Jadi kalo masih ada yang bertanya-tanya, worth it nggak sih konsul ke psikolog? worth it banget! tapi, psikolog juga cocok-cocokan.. jadi berusahalah sampe ketemu yang cocok. Bedanya psikiater dan psikolog adalah, kalo psikiater umum, biasanya fokus ke diagnosis dan terapi obat, juga fokus sama masalah yang sekarang. aku beruntung dapet psikiater yang mau empati, mau menggali masalah, dan jadi temen bicara, karena pernah juga dapet psikiater yang cuma fokus di diagnosis dan terapi aja. Nah, kalo psikolog, dia akan cari root masalahnya dan berusaha membantu kita untuk menyelesaikan masalah dari rootnya. Sebelum akhirnya ke profesional, aku juga udah banyak googling tentang self healing, coba meditasi guided di internet dll, tapi it didn't work that much on me.

Dear mothers, i believe our family deserves the best version of ourselves, and we deserve to be happy while taking care of our family.

plot-twist in 2014

it's almost a half of the year and i've been trough the ups and downs i've never gotten in the past. i am fully thankful to Allah who gave me this kind of thrills that i never expected before. but to be truth, living day by day, wondering, praying, enjoying and also being surprised of what's coming isn't that easy, and that's what makes my life seems wonderful.

family: there was a point in early 2014 that i thought, my family was perfect. perfect as individuals and as a whole. but then turned out i saw the flaws both in the persons and the connections between us. it wasnt easy to finally realize that it's pretty much normal to have family with a lot of flaws, though there's nothing perfect in the whole world. and i finally realized, that in the imperfections of themselves, in their struggling to make a good family, they will always be my best support system. ever.

friends: years ago, i was in the lowest point of what-so-called friendship. i lost my faith on that, i hate those things, and all. but slowly, it's all gone by the comings of my best friends in high school. did they try to change me? not explicitly. i was just feel loved that i felt like i have a strength to fix myself. then i finally could believe in other human. but the things got little messy in the end of 2013, which made me a bit shattered. so in the early 2014 i was about to lose all the connections with friends. i was so arrogant that i thought i could live alone. but the fact was, i was really miserable living that life. then that was the time i once talked to my best friend, said anything i held back, and felt relieved. that was the time i finally realized that, the real best friend is one of the God's biggest blessings in life. the one that i should take care of.

love: i was sooo focused on myself and others that i thought i had least care on the lovey dovey thingies, until my life broke all in once, in the not-so-early 2014. then that was the guy who had always been there, the one that no matter how ugly i treated him, he still stayed. and i realized that he may the only guy who could do that. who could be nice and all without me being insecure of his existence. then after a lot of disconnections, i tried, again. and soon after i took that decision, i felt the same, old, disconnection i always had with him. it's not something about him, nor something about me (as i always questioning this to Sandy: why i always failed in a realtionship?). it was something between us that is just not connected. im such an idealistic. however how stupid it sounds, i believe there would be someone who i could bear with no matter what, just because i feel connected. some poet may call it chemistry. so i thought, i should let him know and try to let go, let go of himself, let go of the future image of us being happy, someday (cs i thought we both would eventually change and be connected). then i felt a bit frustrated of failing again. and since i dont know when, someone comes along. :)

academic, career, future: i've always had solid image in my mind about the future me. not until i talked about this with a person few days ago, not until i saw a tedx video, that i realized, that the thing we imagined now about 5 years or 10 years later may be not relevant with the future 'now' anymore. that the ability to imagine the future is the prove of human's lacking of imagination, bcs we may fail to imagine the real us in the next 10 years, said the tedx video. this year, is the year i felt really energized, and hopeless, and full of visions, and failed, and all. i was feel like i was so helpless... this semester i finally realized that im no longer holding cumlaude gpa and how hard it is to raise it. this broke all my future-self imagination. i had the spirit, then i failed, i burnt out. i felt like i've done all the things i could do but still, the result wasnt as good as i wanted. but then i prayed, a lot. i read the positive essays/articles of struggling and getting back from failing, and all. not too much, but i try the best to surround myself wih the hard work environment. even it's only zero poin something, i finally got my gpa raised. it's a bit enlightening for me. and about my undergraduate thesis, i was being promised to have the proposal seminar in the early feb, then it was held on until april/mei, then it was cancelled 6 hours before we presented. i almost cried. i'd done 2 revisions by that date, and i was so prepared. i was really dissapointed, until i finally presented my proposal in Mei and i felt like one of the huge rocks on my back was gone. and then i saw my friends one by one did the final thesis seminar. 

it's like this academic/school thingies is a long marathon i should win every lap. (should I, really?) :)

i feel really blessed to survived all the ups and downs, being helped by the family and friends over here, and being calmed down by the prayers i sent or by the way they're sent back to me. :)