Tilik Emosi

Sejak taun lalu, aku lagi belajar untuk menamai emosi dengan lebih baik. Harapannya, kalau tau emosi yang benar-benar dirasakan, kemudian bisa mencari solusi yang terbaik. Dulu tiap ada perasaan negatif diantara aku dan pasangan (or siapapun sih), aku akan tanya: kamu marah ya sama aku? sekarang agak ada kemajuan, aku cari tau kira-kira emosi apa ya yang dia lagi rasain, lalu dikonfirmasi ulang ke orangnya 🤣 it has a lot of things to do with being empathetic too. kadang mungkin kecewa, kadang marah, kadang simply ngga nyaman atau ngga setuju. kalo ditodong 'kamu marah engga', seringnya dia jawab engga, karena mungkin emang bukan marah but we both didnt care enough what it was wkwk. kalau agak lebih mendekati emosi dia sesungguhnya, seringnya dia mau lebih terbuka untuk diskusi saat itu juga 🤣

2019 Recap

Tahun 2019 menjadi tahun paling roller coaster yang pernah kurasakan deh, kayaknya. Memulai tahun dengan pindah ke UK, hamil dan melahirkan di luar negri, menjadi ibu dengan minim support, kembali ke Indonesia dan adaptasi lagi, belajar ikhlas dan sabar ketika menjadi stay at home mother.

Lucunya, aku nggak tau bahwa hal-hal tersebut sebegitu berat buat aku, sampai kemarin aku ketemu dengan salah satu sahabatku. Dari dia, aku sadar bahwa kayaknya aku udah terlalu banyak mengeluh, atau bahwa dulunya walaupun suka mengeluh dalam hati, tapi aku tetap bisa menjaga vibe-ku tetep happy dan positive. Tapi kali ini, motherhood bener-bener menyita perasaan dan pikiranku, sampe aku lupa belajar mengatur diri sendiri. Merasa tidak punya pilihan sejak aku internship di luar pulau Jawa, hamil dengan suami yang berjauhan, dan harus pindah ke luar negri, bikin aku merasa 'hidup nggak adil'. Seringkali aku menyerah sama keadaan, dengan cara yaudah jalanin aja. Padahal, aku bisa make the most out of it, tapi karena mindset-ku dari awal, dan memang keadaannya nggak mudah dilalui, aku jadi lelah duluan dan fokus untuk survive rather than thrive.

Menjadi stay at home mother juga merupakan tantangan tersendiri, sih. Dari dulu aku memang udah punya rencana, kalau punya anak pengen fokus ngurusin bayi sampe minimal 1 tahun, karena berbagai alesan pribadi. Alhamdulillah, Allah kasih jalan. Nah tapi, kehilangan identitas profesional tuh ternyata nggak mudah buatku. Apalagi dulu aku lumayan terarah hidupnya, belajar bener, ngisi waktu dengan bener juga, jarang banget aku aimlessly menjalani hidup tanpa arah dan tujuan. Sedangkan ketika jadi ibu, aku merasa menjadikan anak sebagai tujuan pribadi bukan jadi passion-ku hahaha. Aku tentu punya keinginan membesarkan anakku dengan standar tertentu, tapi, i don't feel like owning the output aja gitu. Jadi rasanya tiap hari aku berusaha jadi ibu yang baik sesuai dengan value-ku, tapi nggak ada hasilnya, karena hasilnya adalah milik anakku, dari rezeki Allah. It feels like everyday is a battlefield hahaha. Tapi ya, sekarang aku belajar untuk enjoy the moment aja. Aku tuh nggak selamanya bisa disamping anakku, jadi ya aku pengen happy aja terus dideket dia, mau sesulit apapun keadaannya buatku, seperti saat anakku opname di RS. Duh, aku aja nggak pernah opname kecuali pas lahiran, ini liat anak sendiri dirawat di RS huhuhuhu patah hati banget kemarin.

Sejak aku hidup berdua bener-bener sama suami, setelah sebelumnya LDR dan LDM, kayaknya komunikasi kita membaik berkali-kali lipat. Kemajuan paling pesat yang aku rasakan adalah bahwa suamiku bisa mendengarkan jauh  lebih baik dan berdiskusi dengan lebih setara dengan aku, dan aku juga bisa mengatur emosi lebih baik agar diskusi bisa jalan. Hal ini dulu tuh negelcted banget, karena ya kami bisa jalan sendiri-sendiri, kalau ada masalah cuekin aja toh juga kalo dipendem sendiri nggak akan ketauan. Tapi, kalo udah tinggal bareng tuh kayak nggak bisa gitu menyimpan amarah dan kekecewaan, pasti keliatan, jadi mau nggak mau tiap ada masalah ya diselesaikan. Sejujurnya ini nggak mudah, tapi untung Allah masih kasih rezeki kita berupa kasih sayang satu dan lainnya jadi bisa survive dengan baik ahhaha.

Di tahun 2020 ini, aku berharap bisa lebih banyak bersyukur dan menikmati momen, more than anything. Tahun 2019 aku tuh kebanyakan skip, jadi bahkan aku ngga bisa diajak ngobrol tentang tujuan hidup selama membesarkan anak, karena i was busy surviving; anything but we both live. Sekarang, aku mau lebih 'ambisius' lagi sebagai istri, ibu dan pribadi. Ingin lebih mindful dan menikmati waktu bersama anak, bisa lebih banyak nogbrol dan diskusi bareng suami, dan lebih berusaha mendengarkan pikiran dan perasaan diri sendiri, setelah lama aku nggak hiraukan. On the top of that, pengen bisa reconnect with Allah even better, dengan cara memperbaiki ibadah-ku. Semoga Allah selalu meridhoi usahaku, aamiin.

#AboutHim00 263

A video posted by Ninoscha (@adninahr) on Jan 19, 2017 at 2:54am PST

Dear @alfianharfin Let's spend more days to love, to argue, to forgive, to fight what we thought is right, to keep each other company, to help each other to be better both as a person and as a partner. The highest act of love doesn't come in a physical form, and it may be differ from one another. So thankyou for keeping up with me through all the good and bad things, it's beyond what i deserve. I love you since you called me at 3 am, sang me a love song and left me clueless about everything, until now even when you never sing for me anymore 🙄
 We're far from perfect but i think it's enough ❤

Hi 2017

Hi, back my old blog. I wish you do just fine.

In 2015, I decided that I want to take my blog into different level. I promised myself to not write any kind of personal blog post, as I always did in this blog. I remembered those sad moments that I wrote in this blog and I couldn’t imagine any other people read that. I felt vulnerable at that time. But then, as I’d written on my new blog in 2016, about those reviews and all, I don’t feel like I belong there. I don’t feel like I fit writing those stuffs. I don’’t feel comfortable writing in bahasa Indonesia, though I know it’ll boost the views. I kept going with all the sections that I thought I would like to see in a blog. But the result is the same; I don’t feel like blogging anymore.

I love to go back to my old blog (this one and fiction frame) just to remind myself how good it feels to be honest and to write anything that I felt. I was ashamed of what I’ve written like, 5 years ago, and how emotional I was. But then, I am more comfortable writing those silly honest stuff instead of trying to be a tip and review girl on the other blog. I’d move few personal post to this blog. I want this blog as my public diary. I wanna become that old woman who sticks to blog eventho world has revolved from twitter to Instagram to vlog life.

2016 is most probably a quiet sea for me; it's good, relaxing, and a little bit boring, while 2015 brought me a whole rollercoaster feeling. last year i met the guy of my dream, i have the loveliest relationship ever in my life, i started #AboutHim00 to appreciate every little things that we had. i cut few connections and re-connect with old friends, just to make sure that the ones i have now are the only ones i need and bring positive vibes to me. i get closer to family and hopefully to God. i think 2016 is good, but i bet 2017 can be a whole more wonderful than ever. amiin.

Peds dept.

paediatric dept was one of the most exhausting yet the most exciting at the same time. children go unstable unbelievably easily. tight monitoring on the night shift was terribble (which happened pretty often, like every single night of our night shifts), made us lack of sleep & become crancky in the morning. early morning report & daily duties forced us to be awake in the noon. we went home to take a loooong sleep just to wake up in the morning with the exact same routine. and in the midst of that, we need to study, a lot.
 day to day, we saw them got better gradually, the happiness that was drawn visibly on their parents' faces, that oh-so-happy-and-relieved face to know that they could go home today, and actually, it felt like family. the community got bigger and stronger (and nicer, and warmer, and kinder, and anything like a home in a hospital).
 there were also the days when the kids got worse. we need to rescucitate them, we didn't sleep to make sure they didn't forget to breath, we checked them every 15 minutes to finally found them died few hours later. the cries were devastating. the parents went mad. and we, the ones who checked on them for times were in silence. it was like 'he was with me an hour ago. and now he's gone?'.

the hospital i was in, was quite big. there were kids with HIV +, congenital heart disease, other congenital anomaly, kidney disease, terrible infections, and cancer, lots of it. they went back and forth to the hospital, left their school, missed their friends, couldn't play outsite and forgot what it feels to be under the sun and the rain. they cried at times, they were tired, frustrated, bored, and in pain. the moment when we tried to comfort them were the moment that made them cried worse because they're afraid of those who wears white coat.

 but to be honest, in spite of the LOTS of works in peds (and i meant A LOT), it was one of the most rewarding dept i've ever been on. the instant gratification we got from the kids and the parents were wonderful. when the kids got sick, it's quite pricey, the parents can't go to work, the kids can't go to school, and the family stick around the hospital bed. it's unhealthy even for the parents' wellbeing. so whenever we told them that their kids had got better, they couldnt hide their smiles. and when we finally told them that they could go home today, they were beyond happy. the way they thanked us was incredibly rewarding. in the other hand, the doctors (paediatricians) put a lot of commitment to stay update with the latest treatment and technology so their patients can get the best possible service they could ever get. with that kind of work and that kind of reward, i felt something that i couldn't get from any other department.

 it's always been a pleasure to do what i love and love what i do :)

 P.s.: wrote this because i was on tears reading Humans of New York Page, talking about Paeditric Cancer. made me remember about all of those. :')

Taking a pause

It's been quite long time since i posted the last blog post, not because i didn't want to, but really, the schedule was sooo tight, i was suffocating. it was hard to breathe when you have your weekdays and weekend occupied by hospital-related work. i got so little time to be with my family since i took all the free hours to sleep, eat and study.

i haven't even recovered from the previous rotation, then here comes another 10 weeks of rotation packed with lots of night shifts. i almost went insane but then i took deep breath and long pause. i haven't been studying anything at all for these past week, i haven't done anything academic-related. i've been spending my time to be with my family, to go out, to read my fav book, to watch youtube videos, et cetera. i'm not a hundred percent ready to be back with hospital routine yet:(

in the midst of the crazy schedule, i found a competition held by Periplus to post on Instagram a picture with book as our companion. I was soooo excited to join that competition and i ended up posting like 5 or 6 photos during that period. let's pray that i would win that! *finger crossed* i took my free time during the weekend or after my morning shift to organize my books, take lots of pictures of them, create perfect caption and post it. i really poured my heart on that competition, by the way! hahaha.

To be truth, it's been such a rough month for me. December should be my favorite month when i can reflect back of what i've done for the past 12 months, and plan my new year resolution, but the fact is, i dont feel like i could function a hundred percent for these past few weeks. the hospital-related duty absorbs most of my energy and left me so little to just even survive that day. i wish i remember how excited i was to be in clinical rotation, but to be truth, it's really really tiring. i wish i could spend my time doing things that i love, not only to be in hospital for around 80 hours per week.

What helped me the most during these hard weeks were my new addiction to Kinfolk, my highschool sweethearts, my college mates and few youtube videos. i know i cannot be alone, i need anyone else, anything else, to share my thoughts, to talk to, to joke around, et cetera, but i couldn't find that in the hospital because everyone else was so busy taking care of their own bussiness, and there were less time for us to even socialize. So i tried to connect with my friends a lot, i asked them out, i bought things that probably could make me happy.

Today is the perfect example of what i've been trying to do with mylife: trying to make myself happy and content despite of any circumtances. Today i started my day in the hospital, and got back at 3 pm, i went to mall right after, bought myself a pair of shoes since i only had two pairs and both of them become slippery, pairs of socks, few pieces of doughnuts and ended that afternoon with a full bowl of bakso kuah when it was raining hard outside. then i went home and have convo with the whole family. our conversation was the one what that made this rainy night less cold than it  should be.

i know for some people what i've been doing is just an ordinary thing; everyone can go to Mall and do shopping and eat a lot, meet their family, et cetera. but for me, these things are such a luxury. i haven't had time for myself, to take care of myself. i even hadn't gotten time to cut my messy hair until last weekend. my new haircut still didn't satisfy me, so i cut it way shorter all by myself, and surprisingly it turned out really really really good!!

This week is a starter week for the next ten weeks. i've been taking a long pause so next week, i need to be more energized than i am today. it's hard to go on a day when you're drained and has no spirit for that day, you can even become denial and it's even more tiring. so i hope i can recover fast and be ready to face another big challange for the next two months. wish me luck!:)

Self Worth

I learnt in the hard way that our self-worth is not defined by others, but by ourselves. The reason why we will never feel enough about ourselves is because we know ourselves way better than any single person in the whole world. We know every little details that we have, even our dirtiest, worst thoughts that once crossed on our mind, every little tiny memory about the bad things in our childhood and all. But the fact is: no one else knows that. No one but yourself. It’s your choice whether you let them know or not, what you perceive about yourself is what you show to others too.
And maybe, we need to forgive ourselves for being an imperfect human, for making mistakes, for choosing the wrong path, for doing the things we’re not fully aware of, and for simply being ourselves. We might be silly, foolish, lazy and all, but it’s us. If we don’t love ourselves, who would? We’ve gotta work hard to become the person we wanna be, and yet after all, we need to accept who we really are.

I had through a bumpy road before I started to love myself. I need makeup, cute dresses, pink stationaries, black basics, good books, tasty good, few short stories, lovers, best friends, social projects, school, good grades, events, music, movies, and other little things to make me feel good about myself. I also need various social media to know how to accept and even love myself. I grew up knowing I was disliked by my closest friends in class in elementary school, junior high, and senior high. Few weeks or months of rejection made me hated myself. It’s quite hard to finally love myself back, to know that it’s okay to be not okay, it’s ok to make mistakes and be weird and be myself. It took freaking bloody years. I rejected people, I pushed people away, I chained myself to bad companies, I lost myself in the process and it feels really good to finally find myself back.

Bad company corrupts great soul. Cut the ties with the ones who weighed you down, who throw you to your lowest point, who drive you mad, who don’t let you grow, who pushed you to be something that you’re not. Being alone is scary and crazy and lonely and maddening sometimes, but nothing’s worse that being stuck with the person you don’t belong.

I need to be in my best condition to love myself. When life gets hard, I need to be grateful for every single thing in order to love myself.

I’m gonna tell you that it’s not easy at all. How is it supposed to be easy to love the freckles on your cheek? Or the tiny lipstick stain on your white t-shirt? We pay attention to little details, we know the most about our worst sides. But please, look at the bigger picture. Listen to your friend’s compliments about yourself. Sometimes you wonder: am I that good? But believe me, people believe that you’re that good. It’s what they see about you. They’re genuinely credit for what you’ve done. See the bigger pictures. Your flaw doesn’t define you. Your little tiny flaws don’t define you. Your billion flaws don’t define you. You define you. You, with your both positive and negative sides define you. What you’re thinking about yourself define you. Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself. Love yourself for who you are. Let people know who you truly are, let them love you for who you truly are. They will, eventually.


I know it’s hard and has a lot of things to do, but believe me, it’s totally worth it.

Connection

The Connections
Currently listening: Novo Amor – Weather
Mood: common cold
Content: personal thought, self-reflection, metaphor.

I love human. For what it is, I love human’s connection utmost. It’s beautiful to see how two heads, two minds, and two hearts meet, trying to both win and lose for their own egos and for the sake of the other one(s). I love seeing vulnerability of humans that sometimes can be seen by the way they’re boasting of themselves. I love seeing the sparkling eyes during a lively conversation, talking about the things they love. I love to feel the heart break, to realize how weak and vulnerable we’re as human. Human is as complicated, as messy, as crazy, as kind and as nice as they ought to be.

During the long holiday, I found back my love in human’s connection. The past kept coming back the present wanted to have a little while more, and the future asked my commitment. The human’s connection is not always about the relationship between a girl and a boy being in love, it can be about two girls, two boys, a group of boys and girls, the blood-tied connection, the not-so strangers connection, and all of the eyes-meet-eyes random connection we all ever had. It is as universal as it ought to be.

I didn’t have a great connection with other humans back then. I was bullied, hated, and rejected. I was heart broke my biggest love itself; the human connection. I was such a failure, I thought. I mean, how could I fail at the thing that I love the most? It was as disconcerting as it ought to be.

I thought I was in the best connection when I had this connection. I was all happy and crazy and I thought I was in my best when I was in this connection. But actually, this connection destructed me from the very inside, made me feel like I wasn’t worth it, like I was the ugliest inside-out as a person. The abusive connection that was more damaging than I thought it would be. It was as catastrophic as tempting as it ought to be. And I was trapped for almost six years in the same old circle.

I’ve ever been in a connection which I was treasure a lot. This connection helped me through my darkest bit in my life. I couldn’t lose this one, I thought. I did all I could to have a working connection with this person, but as I walked by, I felt like this connection weren’t really working any longer. It wasn’t disconnected or something, but it seemed like the current wasn’t mutual in some ways. I wanted to keep this connection as long as possible, I ought this connection a lot more than I could ever pay back. But then once again, the tide wasn’t good.

It was a magical connection with the random person I never thought I would ever be with. It helped me with my own metaphorical dream. It was as magical as having an existence and an extinction in a blink of an eye. I thought I would never feel that way for twice, and I never did nor I thought I’d need. Because sometimes, being magical means becoming illusions too.

I love the color of grey, and I thought it would be great to have a grey connection. The problem was, grey wasn’t a true color. It was in between black and white. It could be easily biased by the amount of the opposite colors that was into it. And in between that unsettling color, I was giving up that connection.

There were connections which I was both so intimidated with and challenged too. They were as toxic as great as they were. They were a two-side knife which I didn’t know how to use it yet.

And I thought I was in the right balanced good connection when I realized I was a broken wire that could no longer serve a merely connection. The stream was too great I couldn’t handle. I was suffocated but then I survived by turning off the connection. I was too tired to even just bear with it.

There was one of the unforgiven connection which made me collapse, literally and figuratively. This connection I thought would be the easy one, the smooth one, but then it turned to be loathing; it made me doubt my own judgment and it ruined my life in months. I didn’t even believe my own mind-convo and it ruined my connection with myself somehow. This connection didn’t want to know my own capacity, I was so overwhelmed back then. I was intendedly cut the connection but it kept coming, it kept rushing the wave, it kept pushing me into my limit, and I was bursting into pieces.

 Until this very second, I cannot forgive myself for being in such a wasting connection. The connection I’ve never wanted in the first place, the connection I unexpectedly connect with, the connection that manipulate my life in months. I refrained myself for months, for the connection that did me no good at all, and now tell me how could I forgive myself, then?

A ghostly connection gave me the best high. It was like a treasure box in the deep sea which I could swim into but I need to be really calculated and careful too. Well, it was all worth it. like a ghost, it haunted me in the night, midnight to be exact, near morning. I was seduced by my own kind of hypnotic spell, I was in high unexpectedly, and I could say I got it enough.

They were good connections I had too that I just thought I didn’t want any longer. Not because connection was bad, but because the stream was not in the same harmony anymore. Or it may sing the same song but the output wasn’t sync. The disconnections could be just as simple as that.                                                                                            
There were also the connections that weren’t worth more than just few seconds. They were shown in the history but had no value more than just a quantity.

With the bad connections, there were also good connections. I was in such great connections when I can get up on my own feet when I was almost forget how to stand up. I was so excited even just to cherish the moment of that supportive and inspiring connections. I was lucky to have such a funny and easy going connections. There were unexpectedly great deep connections that I would never think of and could never lose. And I cannot be more thankful for having such loving, caring and patient connections during my ups and downs.

Well the thing is, I invest a lot in people, more than I should. With the great return, there comes a great risk; I fully understand that. I’ve let people broke me down into tiny little pieces, but there are people who helped me brush off my wounds, healed my pain, and took me into happy places. There were connections that let me grow bigger and better, more than I thought I could and I would.
I handpicked my own connections so it’s hard to forgive the disconnection I connected with at the first place. But as I believe in the great risk along with the great return, I also believe that the optimistic and positive connections I’ve had now are there because a lot of the disconnections I once had. I know what I want and what I don’t want, I know what I need and what I don’t need, I know what I can fight and I should let go.

I’m a truly fighter. I have faith in connection and I can risk almost all of I have for that. I am as naïve as stupid yet as optimistic as I ought to be. It led to the great great disappointments too but I thought they were worth it.  Well, they are truly worth it.

Human connection is an art of the uncertainty. And actually, only with and trough God we can have a good and secured lasting connection.

bits of the lovely hectic days

im not a big fan of being busy, having too much to do in 24 hours, but that's my routine for the last year and more. now im making the whole yearbook thingies which has so many things to do in such little time, excluding the academic stuff itself.
i will always remember the good old days when i had nothing to do (mostly) in my spare time, hang out with my ex whenever wherever (yes, i've been missing those good old days which can't be returned back. we're socrazily busy and done with trying.), hang out with my high school sweethearts//bestfriends, and all. i miss those all i've been losing those moments in the alst 20s months. wish i could get that back before clinical rotation next year.
yeah, life passes by so fast.

talking so much that my throat hurts

is the thing that i probably do when im with my best friends. best friends here means the ones i shouldnt explain myself nor how things get started. i just talk to them to continue my previous stories. my life. my sister's going outta town for a while. i obviously have no one to talk to. my campus life are super nice but i need to start my long story with 'it started when..' and i have no enough energy to do that.
i know people are busy, have many priorities. some people already have they living diaries, they may not need any other people to be talk to anymore, unlike me. so i start to accept that fact, adapt, and try to move on.
why dont you date a guy, then?
i only want to date a guy who i can talk with about many many many things. i havent found one. or even if i have found him, he's not into me. you know, that's how life rolls.

be always with me, dear Allah.

movement

youth need a space to move around. to just blindly move or to move, make a fraction and be a bomb. we just can't stay in a freezing position, it's just how nature makes us.

pengalaman beberapa minggu belakagan ini, jogja lagi suka-sukanya bikin event. nggak keitung lagi berapa event musik dari tiap univ, tiap fakultas.. belum lagi acara donor darah, seminar public speaking, seminar ttg tenaga kerja, seminar kewirausahaan dan lain sebagainya. tema nya mirip-miri, cuma beda venue dan pembicara aja mungkin.

sekarang orang atau organisasi sering mengindikasikan ke-eksisan dengan bikin acara. padahal bikin acara nggak mudah, uang belum tentu memadai tanpa persiapan yg baik, dan juga schedule yg padat dan saling bertabrakan antar event. padahal, emang iya, acara itu cuma buat eksis-eksisan doang? emang iya eksis cuma dengan bikin acara?

kalo mau membuktikan ke-eksistensian sebuah organisasi atau pribadi, coba dilihat tujuannya. apa iya tujuan organisasi/pribadi bisa dicapai hanya dengan bikin event? bikin orang-orang informed juga perlu lho, dengan menulis atau bikin poster contohnya. apa iya eksis cuma dengan bikin event-event berbayar di berbagai tempat untuk pemuda? gimana kalo langsung ke tujuannya aja, misala nak jalanan atau anak panti dan sebagainya?

kebetulan, di IFL ada divisi khusus untuk bikin project (event). senengnya, sasaran kami variatif banget, nggak cuma anak muda, acaranya nggak cuma gitu-gitu aja, dan ada purpose spesifik dibelakangnya. jadi acaranya nggak 'berkompetisi' dengan acara-acara yang ramai digalakan berbagai organisasi/kampus/pribadi seperti yang sekarang ada.

percaya deh, kalo kita bikin project apapun, entah bikin event, bikin tulisan di media, atau apappun, kalo ada purpose atau passion yang jelas dan spesifik, pasti projectnya jadi beda dan lebih bermanfaat:D

hard time

it's been a rough moment. my grade decreased. i've been sad for almost every single week. i feel alone. like no one cares as i care for many. i'm tired begging, im tired working my ass on building relationship with people. when will people fight for me? when will people get used to me?

saya lelah menunggu untuk dimengerti. saya lelah beradaptasi dan menarik semua kegembiraan saya untuk orang lain. awalnya saya tulus ingin menghidupkan suasana. tapi lama-lama saya sadar, cuma saya yang berusaha disini.
saya sering berfikir bagaimana jika saya pergi dari semuanya. bukan mati, saya belum siap bertemu Tuhan. saya cuma ingin mereka tidak memiliki saya lagi. saya lelah.tapi saya tidak pernah menunjukkannya di muka mereka. saya tidak pernah punya keinginan untuk membuat suasana sedih dan runyam bagi orang lain. siapapun itu.

this is my lowest and weakest point. and im still working my ass on to lift it up.





how can people not to stare me and ask if im ok?

they dont know weather im ok or not. i'll be be fine, anyway.



and now im trying my ass on being alone. not to share any single thing to any single one. having dependency on people makes you weak. and i hate myself for being weak. that weak.

please God... i wanna get outta this sad circle. i promise im gonna swim to the edge of this black-inked sadness sea. i hate being here.
iloveYou, Allah, for being THERE when no one else was. thankyou for listening and understanding and giving me great experiences.

idonthaveaboyf, idonthavesupercoolcampuslife, but im sure im gonna have a good personality so i can get trough anything really good. so i can stand&&still.

the last post of 2011

is this really the end, dear 2011? 'cause it's like only a blink of eye. remembering 2011 so far.... is like remembering.... nothing? i've been busy doing things, running, changing, working hard, to get the dream i've been dreaming. until now, these days, i'm still busy to chase almost everything. "you cant be as young as you are today". so i wanna spend it more on exploring my self. who am i?

and i have nooooo idea about 2012 resolution. i mean.. i've been having new year resolution for years and now i have no days off and i cant think much of things but few academic stuffs. i miss high school, for its ups and downs, dramas, naive-dreams, and all. but you know, life's keep going no matter what. so i'll try to cheerish every moment knowing that i cant bring the exact past into present.

let's say. this year, i've found stronger faith in Allah. Allah gives me all i need, He's my all. He gives me the lesson of life in a very unexpected but beautiful way. i love it how i can find reason beyond everything. i also found that... jerks are around and i let them around because i had lack of confidence... well i still have. i thought if anything bad happens, it must be me. all the time, while it's not. feelings aren't as simple as one person's fault or bunch of people's faults. it's way more complicated than that so i decided to stay away from that kinda things awhile... :) this year i also have revealed the real friends o mine. some are just nice, some just really complete myself. some are kinda fake and some are just so true that i can be true to myself too when im with them. getting into medschool, my favorite medschool, is also the biggest thing that's happened this year. it's been a good days with those other medstudents.. medschool is really really good. i love it here, really, finally. i found some nice college mates and thhey're enough for now. this year i also turn to be 17. what an age.. people said. but i have 18-19 years old friends, most, so i dont feel like a 17 years old girl. now age doesnt matter anymore, i mean seventeen years old doesnt mean anything for now. not having some kinda miracles or sparkling dust all over my body... everything stays the same except myself. i know im changing, and i know who i wanna be, but you know, as einstein said: there's a relativity. i know i'm changing into someone i want, but i may less notice it. maybe i've been turning into monster or somehting i dont really know, and dont really think, also. all i know is im trying my best to make my life as good as it could be.

and now i really wanna thank Allah for the bless this year. this could be the year of awakening, maturity process, re-build my self. thank You, Allah, for letting me be this self. thank You for the lessons, the mistakes, the achievement. thank You...:) i would never thank You enough for the life You're giving to me:)

thankyou family, friends, and all. thank you....:) this year has been really good... with its ups and downs, i stilll can enjoy 2011. the year of total hard work, if i could name this year. thank you!!

now designing the next year. here some new year resolution of mine:

1. get closer to Allah, fix myself as a religious person-should be:)

2. have a really strong bond with family

3. have straight A for every block, smarter and more dilligent and discipline.

4. can drive a car

5. can cook few meals

6. be a vegan!

7. get 5000.000 rupiahs from sallary savings

8. have a good time menegement

9. inspire MANY people:)

10. get my confidence back with less egoistic side.

11. have a healthy life style; good diets, regular exercise, drink more mineral water.

over all i only wanna be the better version of me in every possible way. amin:)

but generally, i just wanna be the whole ability a woman ever need. in the first 3 months i wanna learn to drive safely, and the next 3 months i wanna learn to cook, and the next 3 months maybe learn about some arts, and the last 3 months? evaluating or doing any thing:)

now what's yours? happy new year people! thankyou!!