jujur//nulis

ada yang ngerasa nggak my latest post kayak nggak jujur? padahal aku nulis itu untuk berusaha jujur sejujur-jujurnya. or it's the type of the writings, yah.. aku bukan tipe orang menulis dengan tata cara event by event tapi aku seperti memaksakan menceritakan segalanya so my post will look moreeeee factual. i feel not right when i read that post, feel like wanna erase it, but, i let it be. i let it be my foot print that i've once been fool enough to act like somthing aint me.
doesnt mean what i've written is a lie. it was true. i have that emotional problem.
but my writings that lied. it's not my type:p

sambil nulis ini, sambil menghentikan pekerjaan, sambil mendengarkan fix you nya coldplay ditemani angin sepoy hari minggu.

setelah aku sadar bahwa aku punya permasalahan dalam kontrol emosi, aku jadi lebih aware, conscious, terhadap apa yang aku rasain. akhir-akhir ini, aku nemuin beberapa temen yang kurang bisa dipegang omongannya. seharian aku cuma bisa ngamuk2 nggak jelasdi dalem hati. imbasnya, aku jadi nggak produktif dan diem, dan nyentak siapapun yang sangat ganggu. tapi buat aku itu lebih baik dibanding aku show it off ke orang2, ngelabrakin satu-satu via bbm, nyindir abis-abisan via twitter, like what i did in past few years. aku nonton video TEDx, youtube lagu-lagu, liat desain-desain kamar, buat hiasan kamar baru, just to feel better. well, i felt slightly better, but im not ok.
i finally let go. instead of labeling them as friends then i feel disappointed all over again, i'd rather leave them alone.

my one of favorite bedroom ideas:D

sadar bahwa something's not ok here helps me to find a way to feel better in a good way. i'm not ok, and i will never pretend as im ok anymore. it's.. for me.. sometimes it helps me to not over-drama things, but also, at times, i need to know that something is not right and i have an obligation to fix it, anw.

sadar. sadar. sadar.

dan aku baru sadar aku sudah 2 blok ini nggak bikin agenda harian. super sigh. dari observasiku thdp diriku sendiri, dengan agenda, kita jadi terpacu untuk do things right, one at a time, finish all the task, be productive. tapi emang agak agak ribet sih untuk design what to do tomorrow dan cek lagi in the end of the day apa yang sudah kita achieve. but it's worth it so i wanna make one for more:D

what i've been doing during the holiday :

see ya in another loong weekend! i've had an awesome one anw:)

dilemma

i've been longing to write a blog post for a couple days, but i've never made it until today. and as usual, i'm not gonna write certain events, im just gonna write some thoughts.

well, as you know, now i'm living my dream as a medical student. and as The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho said, i got the beginner's luck. i got my grades really well for past blocks, but then i didn't get the score as i hoped for. on the last block, i studied hard, i let go my jobs, i never really go out only for having fun with my high school mates, i read the textbooks and the summaries and the slides. i worked hard for it. it was a light block, it contained less than the past few blocks.

(being a med student isn't about learning hard stuffs. it's about learning normal stuffs with heavy volume in really short time. it makes us have less time to do social stuffs and all.)

i really tried my best to get my focus on one thing: academic. but then i got my score lower than the rest. i was really sad--you cant imagine that, really really sad. then i ran to Allah. i cried and i told Him all. i read Quran and i prayed. i prayed alot. i was questening alot.. then (i forgot the exact event), but somehow i understood. that i might be arrogant, that i might become ambitious, that i might be ignorant with other people and all, if i got every good scores i wished.

then i thought a lot. that i might be better off get down, so i might realize all the bless i have, so i could be more thankful, and i might be getting closer to Allah even more.

it was kinda my state of peace: i had nothing to worry about, i didn't have anything to be taken because i had left nothing. the only thing i can do is taking care of what i've got now.

and one thing: i always had my prayers be true in this past (almost) 2 years. i never had any heart-breaking moment, except when i got 65 for math test and when i didn't pass the SNMPTN Undangan in this past 2 years. i always get what i wanted. i was on top ten rank. i got 9 for 3subjects on UN. most of the time i was on the best 50th rank in school in the senior year.

..

after realizing those all, i feel more peaceful. and as i believed before (then i had forgotten) that all the results i've got, any single result of any single thing, doesn't come from my efforts. i only do what i have to do because the obligation said so, but the result is purely in Allah's hand. it's maktub. it had been written by God.

"maka nikmat Tuhanmu yang manakah yang kamu dustakan?"

well, there's other thing. i was afraid that it (medicine) might not be my field. i might love helping but what if medicine isn't my passion? what if i get into some social cluster faculty then i'll be active student as i were in highschool so i can be good at many things and so i can meet more people, get more knowledge, be smarter than this, and people will respect me more, and all. what if?...

my study schedule here sucks almost 24 hours in a day, and i have no more time to just chillax or be more productive, do some sports or gardening. i can't enjoy my other hobbies such as reading and watching movie because i have no huge extra time to do that. i ger bored easily and i can't breath some fresh air out of this medicine routine, makes me sick and almost insane literally. plus most of the poeple here i met really concern on the grades. which i hate. it's like the world's spinning just because of the grades of future doctors. i mean, the life is more than that! why can't you guys understand?..

.. until i met more people....

then i finally found that there are still lots of normal people who can see the world better than the rest, in a full view, left. alhamdulillah:)

so, then i questioned myself back.

what if i didnt get into medicine?..
...
..
well, i might be the active college students, got more friends, got more experience and knowledge,

but i will not live in my dream.

and the imagination of that really scares me out.

well, i'm currently thinking about my future. the scariest thing about living our dream is to have another dream and to live it, again. will i have another, bigger, greater dream? will i have courage to chase it as i did? what if in the next time i failed?

and i kinda have no idea about my next career. i wanna be a lecturer, i wanna be a clinician also. but what subject i should teach? physiology, farmacology, immunology, or anything else? and what field i should take? internist, pedictrian, obsgyn, or any other? what sub i should take then?

i have no idea AT ALL.

everything seems so awesome. i really wanna be good at all the things but it's hardly be coming true. i have no idea.

i just have figured few things out.

that i wanna get financial aid during my undergraduate. that i wanna get scholarship to study in USA, approx for 2 years. i wanna be the youngest cumlaude in early 2015. i wanna pass all the classes with A or A/B scores. i wanna learn saman(i finally get into saman class on my college!! only for 2 months!! so happy:D). i wanna good at driving and cooking. i wanna learn piano. i wanna write a book. i wanna contribute more on cancer. i wanna be an activist for anti bullying. i wanna have a boyfie, that boyfie (ehem). i wanna inspire people. i wanna play basketball better. i wanna swim better. i wanna be able to float in the sea. i wanna travel around indonesia and around the world. i wanna go to mecca and turkey with daddy.

that's an enough checklist for the next 5 years, isn't it?:) wish me luck for those little dreams. not that heavy but still, need lots of efforts. bismillahirrahmanirrahim. insyaAllah.:)


At the end of the day, remind yourself your intentions behind the success – to please Allah [SWT] and your parents, to uplift the Ummah and to prove to yourself that you can achieve to the best of your potential. -- dr.Rahsid