one little thing

i once promised myself to stop writing anything personal here. i even wanted to make this blog private bcs i want to make another blog which contains the writing materials i used to write for my online magazine back then. i missed writing about lifestyle, current trend, tips&tricks. i read so much that i have an urge to share it back. i even had bought a diary so i dont need to write out here (should be). plus, i've got my fellas outta there, i thought, who need t owrite anything personal, here?

but i was wrong.

sometimes the only one i could hold on into is myself. sometimes i cannot count on anyone. why should others concern about me as if they hadnt had enough stuffs in mind? they have busy life already.

writing in a diary; i used to do that since elementary school till high school. i write things, so much. almost each day. but it's not like writing a blog. in a blog, even it's almost no one outta there who read it, i act like there is anyone, or a bunch of people who read it. i write not only about the things i feel, but something that i finally could learn about. just so the reader not only read about the days of my life , but they got something over here.

and there is the time, when i thought i'm gonna be fine, but then i'm not. i thought i could do that, but the fact i am hardly believe in myself. i thought i could pass this, but the fact is, i dont know how to face another day.

this week, i sleep a lot. in the night i sleep almost 9-10 hours, in the noon i sleep for 1-3 hours. i wish i could getting numb by the time i woke up, but i didn't. i wish i could pause the time the moment i slept, but the fact is the time's still running right after i opened my eyes.

it's not something so bad. i just have that kind of thing. one bad thing happens. i ignore it. then things get worse and i remember all the bad things as if i dont deserve all the good things. this is the time when i usually tell sandy. to help me feel better. but long story, she's not currently available.

i know how it feels to be miserable and alone so i try mybest to be a good company for anyone, though not everyone knows how to be one, or even have a slight willingness to try to be one.

i know. i know i can get up on my own feet. i know i have God Who will help me. but going through this before the sun comes up is just not easy. and i know, it's kind of mind trick, i could make it bigger or smaller only with my mind. but.. i almost have no energy to do that.

but you know, i have the largest source of energy called Allah. so i think i'm gonna be fine, in time:)

bits of the lovely hectic days

im not a big fan of being busy, having too much to do in 24 hours, but that's my routine for the last year and more. now im making the whole yearbook thingies which has so many things to do in such little time, excluding the academic stuff itself.
i will always remember the good old days when i had nothing to do (mostly) in my spare time, hang out with my ex whenever wherever (yes, i've been missing those good old days which can't be returned back. we're socrazily busy and done with trying.), hang out with my high school sweethearts//bestfriends, and all. i miss those all i've been losing those moments in the alst 20s months. wish i could get that back before clinical rotation next year.
yeah, life passes by so fast.

new fav dance-fitness video

i've been not doing any kind of exercise for the past few weeks and now having a problem with toooo much sleep. i feel sleepy all the time yet never really feel energized. i only swim once in a week and it's kinda bad comparing my old habit of doing morning jog or cycling for 20 minutes or more. i feel like i neeeeddd to do some kind of exercise but tooooo lazy to start anything heavy. so i clicked youtube for "fun exercise" and found this video. it's great, not so tiring but you'll surprised how much sweat you'll get in the end of session. good start,love it!:)

all that matters

like Taylor Swift once said, breakups and other sad moments inspire us more to write music than the happy moments. so lacking of blogposts here means.... well.. not in that kind of happy; the state of having it-all, the wonderful things i've been wanting. no. but in state that im grateful of all of the things i have.

i hate how peer pressure us to have a certain relationship with certain person. like: "you're single? no, you kidding me". well, accept the fact im way tooo awesome to anybody. (heeee.. no. jk). im just like, i know the stories, a lot of that, about relationship. what's the purpose of that? to know people better? what for? im just losing any rational thoughts about Why We Should Date Anyone if There's No Such Thing as A Passionate Love. i've never loved a guy that much lately.

so i like to know people, mingle with others, befriend with both males and females. when I've got a guy cached my attention, I've got a goal right after: to know him better. but then when things go smooth and all, my goals are achieved and.. i really don't see the point of going out together almost every single day (or every single week) with the same person, talking about the (almost) same things all the time. you know, maybe it's me who cant take commitment seriously, or it's just me that haven't met the right guy whatsoever, but i do things with purpose, and spending my time to the one who expect me much and let me have such responsibility to take care of one's little fragile heart aren't my goals for now.

i'm not a hyped girl, then. for having no boyfie, posting no couple-y thingy, getting no romantic surprises and gift, but i am so much blessed for living in the same roof with my family and having my brother as my neighbor plus my sister in law and my niece. so if you asked me what i do in my spare time, i would answer: i'll hang out with my old mates (high school never ends, remember?) and just chill out with my family, either at home or at our favorite place. i was trying so hard, to fit in, to leave out the 'independent girl' thingy, just to be with a guy, have a great relationship like the others. even i really enjoyed the supportive things, the lovey dovey things, the caring stuffs, like no other best friends will give you. but... i'm more like a person that only will be the man i'm deeply in love with or being alone

my family is my treasure. they love me unconditionally, never expect anything in return, always treat me right, and never get mad at me if im being me, like all the time. they're my only love after Allah. they're always on my prayers after Shalat. they're the only ones i can talk to for hours and make me feel better. i would never replace these times when my family's bond gets tighter each day. i love you, guys. i really do.

it doesn't mean im not interested 'to be with the right guy'. im just not into a certain young-and-free relationship now but tooooo young to marry anyone.
so what are you up to now, Nin?
i'm now focusing on spending my time with my family, paying back all the love they've been given to me for the past (almost) 20 years and making a great history of myself. (Ehem)

maybe someday a guy would be walk in and make me realize how it doesn't work on anybody else, but before it happens to me, i'll still believe that the awesome-right-man is still exist and the only meaningful relationship in the whole universe is marriage; that's the only worthy relationship one should have. someday. amiin.

i keep thinking to post this or not. i mean i would look like a terrible mess with this kind of writing. but really, i stuck with this thoughts for a couple of days and i just need to write it out.

love and relationship are good. really. for anybody but me, now.

talking so much that my throat hurts

is the thing that i probably do when im with my best friends. best friends here means the ones i shouldnt explain myself nor how things get started. i just talk to them to continue my previous stories. my life. my sister's going outta town for a while. i obviously have no one to talk to. my campus life are super nice but i need to start my long story with 'it started when..' and i have no enough energy to do that.
i know people are busy, have many priorities. some people already have they living diaries, they may not need any other people to be talk to anymore, unlike me. so i start to accept that fact, adapt, and try to move on.
why dont you date a guy, then?
i only want to date a guy who i can talk with about many many many things. i havent found one. or even if i have found him, he's not into me. you know, that's how life rolls.

be always with me, dear Allah.

a series of failures in such a beautiful month

i'm a bit dramatic person, i over-think most of the things, so this might be one of those little stuff that i hyperbole: but i thought i got a series of failures in this early December. a little thing like how i failed on my toefl exams (my score got 30 points lower than what i got in the last 6 months.), and how i...

but wait.
am i the only one who feel upset, feel bad about myself, feel like less worthy each time i didnt succeed?
i think im not.

i mean... well let's say i think too much and i keep my negativity too tight; but i know im not the only one who feel this way. though i have an almost perfect life, there will always be something that i didn't feel grateful about. or in this case, there are few things that i dont feel grateful enough.

after i read few sectons on The Psychology Book, i always try to remembering myself that: everytime you feel bad or good, your memories about that emotion come to you. when you feel sad, you tend to remember the bad things and when you feel happy you tend to remember more about happy things.
then i thought, it might be only my memories, hallucinations, and actually i didnt fail much.

but i do fail on few things. bcs i thought i didnt deserve it in the first place, bcs i didnt work hard enough for it, bcs i didnt put my focus on it, and bcs God didnt let me to for His own reason that only God understands.
so i keep believing, i keep on having a faith: that someday life will turn into really beautiful 'till i cant speak any single word to describe. someday, life will be that pretty.

December lately

Back to December. the last month of the year. the month when we say "omg i dont believe this year has gone this fast" most frequently. the month when we try hard to remember what happened in a year, and wishing things in the next year. maybe it doesnt work on other people, but at least it works that way on me.

in 2013 i dated the guy that had been there since i was in my first year in college and had an on-off relationship through the year, i volunteered as a committee in some events as i joined some organizations back in 2012, i stayed with IFL even i said for times i wouldnt be with them for the next year, i resigned from AI Magz (and now considering to get back with that job:")), i read MANY books and bought them and let myself became poor....., i did exercise more regularly than ever, i went to such great gigs saw my favorite bands, i launched an online store with my best friend (even i never thought i was this brave to do that such a thing), i applied to many things that i had to make many motivation letters, i had done my first 3 chapters of my final paper (!!!!!), i became a part in my Lecturer's research as a part of my final paper and did soooo many research-y works, etc, etc, etc.

but other than that, there were also some changes in 2013. in 2013, i found out that it is completely better to be alone than to be the ones who make you feel bad about yourselves, i found out that being with the ones that really love you and support you and know you well gives the best feelings no word can describe, i found out that having best friends is such a luxury thing and it may break but real best friends know how to get back, i found out that family is such a diamond and im more than lucky for having them around, i found out that i aint as discipline and determined as i used to but im working on it, i found out that the first step will always be the hardest, i found out that being such positive person needs extra effort but it's surely worth it, i found out that our duty is to control ourselves and treat people right while how other people treat us is none of our business nor the thing we should consider, i found out that we will make mistakes and screw up and fuck up and disappoint people but we don't fail we just have to figure out how to fix them, i found out that i only need to apologize when i do wrong not when things go wrong, i found out that forgiving people is really really freeing and need extra work to remember that we may also make mistakes (see the previous sentence), and most of all, i found out that Allah's help is near. i found out that the One that will never leave me no matter what, the One that will love me and only will give me the best, is Allah.

2013 has been a great year but its glory will be continue yet get bigger in the next year. amen.
Thank You, Allah for your blessings. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.

Inside my bag

This is what i've been carrying on my school bag ( or campus bag?) 

1. Classic faux leather tote bag in black. Moms' treasure♥

2. Mineral bottle. Prevent dehydration!!!

3. Purse. $$

4. Books; agenda and lecture notes (love them much they're sooo cute!)

5. Rukuh. My prayer stuff in pink color <3

6. Pencil case. 

7. A little pocket to keep some stationaries like post-it, tiny notes, flashdisk, etc.

8. Another little-but-bigger pocket to carry some kind of cosmetics or female life saving like tissue, hand sanitizer, etc. 

Plus textbooks and lab coat on another bag. Yes i carry 2 bags. Daily. Or one superbig backpack.

Whats yours?:)

weekend, finally!

that's my kind of days lately due to block exams. honestly, this block was exhausted. not-so-good grades but it thought i deserved it. i mean, look, i didnt study as hard as the previous block due to horrible time management i had, i wasnt ready for that much of works. well.....

but anyway, i thought a lot about myself, also, lately. i had a one disastrous moment few weeks ago. i've had lost my faith on certain things, certain people, and that disastrous moment crashed it one more time. i almost had nothing left. well i have a detachment theory of myself. i was bullied by my own bestfriends since i was in elementary school. it's not that i am now not being friends with them. but really, i cant just forget that. i lost my faith on myself. im insecure about almost anything. and i hardly trust people now.

and now, every time i get hurt, i wouldn't let that person do it further, so i detach with that person. even for any kind of small mistake. i realized that the reason i got hurt was because i was too attached with that person. so i decided to put a space, one step, two step, three step, and further to prevent any major wound in the future. i thought it was a right thing to do, to give up on other easily, until i realized something...
that maybe i also hurt someone else before, a small, unintended one, but really really hurt that person, and that person decided to forgive me and forget about it instead. unlike me that hard to forgive, even forget a tiny little mistake that others had done to me, without them knowing what they've done wrong.

i know this isnt right. but i can do nothing. i dont know how to restore the faith. i just dont know.
im sorry.

and since my days off had begun, welcome to pretty, healthy, nice, free, relaxing days ahead!

Paradox of the day

Siang itu panas banget. Aku masih menunggu puluhan detik lampu merah untuk berganti. Aku melihat sekeliling dan melihat puluhan keranjang warnawarni diikatkan pada sepeda onthel bagian belakang. Lalu aku mengerakkan bolamataku, memperluas pandanganku, menemukan puluhan burung burung gereja yang telah diwarnai.
Entah, aku hanya memikirkan: berapa sih yang bapak ini dapat? Seberapa cukup sih uang itu untuk hidupnya dan keluarganya? Apakah ia pernah terpikir untuk berlibur sejenak?

Lalu beberapa detik kemudian aku mulai memikirkan burung-burung itu. Apakah mereka nyaman? Apakah tidak apa membiarkan mereka diberi zat pewarna, dan bukanya membiarkan warna asalnya memikat para calon pembeli? Pantaskah hewan liar dikandangkan lalu diperjualbelikan? Apakah itu memang salah satu takdir burung liar? Aku asumsikan orang tersebut tidak berternak melainkan menangkap burung liar.

Lalu aku kembali memperluas pandanganku, ia menghisap rokoknya dalam; orang yang berada pada kemudi sepeda onthel itu. Apakah ia sadar, bahwa pundi-pundi rupiah yabg ia kumpulkan bisa terbakar habis oleh penyakit yang ia ciptakan sendiri? Bagaimana jika ia cukup pintar utk mengerti risiko dari rokok, akankah itu mengubah keadaan? Padahal ia naik sepeda kemana-mana menjual burung-burung tersebut, kebiasaan yang sehat bukan?

Menjelang pergantian warna lampu, ia mengayuh sepeda, tak ingin ketinggalan lampu hijau yang juga akan segera berganti. Peluhnya terlihat menetes. Aku melihat kerja keras yang sia-sia dalam satu manusia dalam beberapa detik saja.

Productive Saturday

I had a rough week. Not only this week but the previous one was also rough. Pulmonary and  Cardiovascular Complaint block in 5 weeks is just tooooooo heavy. So in the middle of doing homeworks, i seek for happiness; watch organizing&back to school supplies videos on youtube. Im so much obsessed wih organizing i bought soooo many agenda, labels, highlighters, and all just to be organized. I also love decorating which really connected wih organized stuffs. So after i watched like 5 or 10 videos of organizing tips, this mornig i started my organizing project. I had my major organizing project once when i read the happiness project. It tells the  importance of tidy up the room, make more spaces, etc. I was really inspired so i tidy up my boxes, my desk, and all in my room including my closet. It was a major one so what i did this morning was just a little thing.

I whased 5 of my shoes, tidy up 3 racks, and even paint my own box so it'd look good. Im soooooooooooo happpy that i could do soo much thing in like 2 or 3 hours, feeling so much productive and love my room even more. I planned to go out to study but then i feel like i'll more comfortable in my room (plus i dont need to pay 20k to have a coffee which i can make myself).

Really. It feels really good to have some organizing project for urself!:)

being healthy inside & outside

last week, when i was studying for make-up test, i had suffered from major migraine and gastritis. i even broke my fasting in the noon once bcs i couldnt stand the pain. after i got better, i got major dysmenorrhea like i always had each month. dysmenorrhea for me would last for 3-4 days (yes, that cramping pain around your hip). plus my gastritis came again. so when i was doing my test, my stomach was aching and around my hip was cramping. idk how i got through that test, but alhamdulillah :)

and the next week (this week) my parents got heavy flu. my mom couldnt get up from bed for 2 days and my daddy slept more than usual. as there are only three of us living in this house, i took care of them and the house. and soon, i also got fever. 

i get sick easily. that's why i regularly exercise and try to be more thoughtful about what i eat. and these past 2 months i didnt really do that. i mean, i've become lazier to do exercise, to eat more fruits, to drink more mineral water, and to cut un-healthy food as much as i can. and these past 2 months i had 5 or 6 times of sick period. i am that easy to get sick. 

promise myself to get back to my track, to eat healthily, to do more exercise, to feed my thoughts with good things, to feel better and happier about myself. 

i choose to invest my future health since this very moment. this is a commitment i should always remember. 

plateau state of happiness-or-not

i used to cry once in about 3 months (less or more) until dawn. i used to be extremely sad about something once in a while. im so much grateful i dont have to get through that thing anymore. but still, sometimes the absence of happiness makes the sadness slips in. well, we should be grateful and happy about simple things. while im only a beginner learner of that, let's learn to be happier each day :)

goodnight!

encouragement

firstly, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANNA!!<3

we never really had an awesome surprise for her, so we decided to make something sweet that she would really happy about. we bough minnie mouse stuffs and made a little sweet party (inspired by Raisa's birthday blast) with pinkish theme and cakes and all in a french-themed caffee. and sit turned out really pretty and she really loved it. so happyyyyyyyy:)

sayangnya, besok ana masih ujian so she decided to gohome and study while the rest (me, ririe, sandy) went to Ririe's home. and after a basic plain convo like others best friends had after a party, we were tired and starved. but then after few weird convo, sandy said, like:

"kamu kenapa e nin?" ok, some parts were missing due to respect for all of those people (including me) lol.
"kenapa e? nggak papa kok."
"nggak biasanyakamu gini."
"wahahhaha"  ririe ketawa2 aja. actually that missing line was the key of all those things but... i dont feel like writing it here.

"you know, now all people are in relationships, whether it makes them happy or not, whether the relationship goes well or not and all. and i've never been good at it. like, every girls turn into beautiful creatures after they went to some beauty clinics or went to doctors. im not that kind of girls with lots of cash to burn at those things while i know it's temporary. and those girls can pick the one they like to be with. they have a lot of options. while me, i dont think i have, i get trapped in a school with alot of things to study,  a lot of things to do, it's like. gah.... you know.. i think im not good enough."

"really? it's only about beauty?"

"you're pretty, Nin. compared to xxx (my ex-crush's girlfriend), you're way prettier. but sometimes things get complicated. like how boys feel tiny about your study. medical student.. geez."

"and any others. but well, you're loved. look, how many guys you'd dumped so far?"

"they came from high school, please.."

"you just didnt see. *him and him*, they might like you at certain points but they just didnt date you."

"but that's the point! why they didnt wanna date me?"

"oh come on.... even there's any good reason, it would never be about your appereance. you're fine. ok?"

"you're way overthinking, nin.."

"that's why i need to be with you guys to keep my sanity..."

"and you're kinda complicated if it's about relationship. admit it."

"but well, a whole good looking person isn't all about the pretty face, Nin. we've talked about this. it's about confidence."

"yaps, we've discussed it. like, how a girl can wear anything she liked without looked like a joke because she's simply confidence with herself. it's true and you know it."

"yes, i know.."

"plus, the suggestion. like how you said that girl is reaaaaaalllyyy pretty? and we just believed it, as you said it for thousand times. but you know, turned out she's not that pretty. i asked my boyfie and he said like : she's not that pretty. she's ok, she's fine, but that's it. and now i see her, like my boyfie sees her. she's fine and good but not as ultimately pretty as you always said. sometimes, you should stop praising others and start to praise yourself. it works, you know."

*the original convo used Bahasa Indonesia and Boso Jowo.*

that kind of conversation that i might never replace with any other thing. i love them to the moon and back i dont lie. i love you guys, Sandy&Ririe.

i hate to always talk about this, but i was a girl with such a great confidence. until some people felt like out-shined by me, and started to bully me. and i thought i was never be good. i read about the perfect figure of a human and i tried my best to be that person. and now i still feel like im not good enough. im not pretty enough.
and my convo with them was a whole lot longer than that. now i've committed my self to believe myself more, to love the person in the mirror most. to stop being envious about anything in anyone. bismillah:)

then we saw hitam putih nadya hutagalung and dian sastro edition. that wassss reallyyyyyyyyy good i wanna cry:") their thoughts were so strong, and what they've talked about was all about being in peace. they worked hard, stay pretty (but both still felt like they aint pretty ?!), stay positive and tried to spread more positiveness all around. aaah...... im so much inspired, and even if it sounds cheesy, but i really reallllllyyyyy love themmmmmm eversince!
i love the positive attitude and mind, their goals, and how they make a better life for themselves and others. aaa:)


we three saw eatbulaga's videos (the supperrrrr funnyyyy ones!) and laughed real hard, had little gossips and shared some captured memories from the days we hadn't met. after almost-three weeks of not meeting them, that day was an awesome one. i had a real quality time with them. im so blessed to have best friends like them. :)
and we also talked about Ririe's leaving in next two months.

"you know, im also sad about that. i mean, im all excited, but at the same time i'm afraid, im sad to leave those i love here, including you guys. bet there i would be kind of lonely without you guys." Ririe said.

despite of her new life in college, her busy schedule, her heavy assignments, i appreciate how she tried to always make time for us. i'm really really really gonna miss her..................................



and i just realized that im like the other girls. i have doubts and insecurities, but i also have the sisterhood that strengthens me and helps me to grow better.

alhamdulillah, Thank You, Allah for all of these blessings. alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah. :)

cheerish the moment!

*just done reading The Magic, worth to read!:)*

5 things about 10th June 2013

my new favorite place that i visited last week !  with such a sweet interior :)

1. i only have one class (two hours) but i brought a huge bag instead. i prepared to swim after class but then i have a sudden meeting. which is such a dissapointing.. cs i miss swimming real bad! then im the only one attendant from my division. ok.
2. i have so many todolist im starting to be confused. i took many many many responsibilities in the second year, but i wanna be great in all. i mean it's not about me. it's about the responsibility that's tied to my name. i dont have a plan to ruin my own reputation if i have any. i started to miss my old lazy days.
3. im stressedout about academics. im starting to make a whole clearer plan about my academics and i have somuchtodolist also to make it true. and God, i have somanytodolist also from my works and volunteering and others so yeah... plus i need to hang with some friends also once in a while.
4. i have a huge admiration for those who can keep their relationship balance with a good harmony for such a long time. ok this explains much.
5. im a todolist junkie i forgot how much i wrote about it.

but anyway, im so much thankful for the days i have today, and yesterday, and the last few days, few weeks, few months, even maybe for tomorrow. i mean, the healthy body, the salary, the knowledge, the inspiration, the people,all the things are just beautifully complete me. i'm in a happy state now:)
been jogging and running for min. 3x per week with an app for android (myrunmap, nike+, etc) so i keep motivated and i can see the summary of my work out. plus now im doing yoga once a week in campus, again! well, these habits makes me really careful about what i eat 'cs the work outs i do wont help if i didnt balance with my healthy diet. let's shape a better, healthier generation!:)
have a nice day!

movement

youth need a space to move around. to just blindly move or to move, make a fraction and be a bomb. we just can't stay in a freezing position, it's just how nature makes us.

pengalaman beberapa minggu belakagan ini, jogja lagi suka-sukanya bikin event. nggak keitung lagi berapa event musik dari tiap univ, tiap fakultas.. belum lagi acara donor darah, seminar public speaking, seminar ttg tenaga kerja, seminar kewirausahaan dan lain sebagainya. tema nya mirip-miri, cuma beda venue dan pembicara aja mungkin.

sekarang orang atau organisasi sering mengindikasikan ke-eksisan dengan bikin acara. padahal bikin acara nggak mudah, uang belum tentu memadai tanpa persiapan yg baik, dan juga schedule yg padat dan saling bertabrakan antar event. padahal, emang iya, acara itu cuma buat eksis-eksisan doang? emang iya eksis cuma dengan bikin acara?

kalo mau membuktikan ke-eksistensian sebuah organisasi atau pribadi, coba dilihat tujuannya. apa iya tujuan organisasi/pribadi bisa dicapai hanya dengan bikin event? bikin orang-orang informed juga perlu lho, dengan menulis atau bikin poster contohnya. apa iya eksis cuma dengan bikin event-event berbayar di berbagai tempat untuk pemuda? gimana kalo langsung ke tujuannya aja, misala nak jalanan atau anak panti dan sebagainya?

kebetulan, di IFL ada divisi khusus untuk bikin project (event). senengnya, sasaran kami variatif banget, nggak cuma anak muda, acaranya nggak cuma gitu-gitu aja, dan ada purpose spesifik dibelakangnya. jadi acaranya nggak 'berkompetisi' dengan acara-acara yang ramai digalakan berbagai organisasi/kampus/pribadi seperti yang sekarang ada.

percaya deh, kalo kita bikin project apapun, entah bikin event, bikin tulisan di media, atau apappun, kalo ada purpose atau passion yang jelas dan spesifik, pasti projectnya jadi beda dan lebih bermanfaat:D

enjoying weekend

this is one of the good weekends i rarely had lately. this weekend i worked, i met my highschool friends, i studied, i tidy up my room, i made my dream board, collected good articles, read books, and all. those in 2 days. finally my weekend is made for me :)

after those hectic weekends ended, now i can finally have my time for myself. to think about my own self:what i really like, what i dont really like, what i wanna be, what i wanna fight for, what i wanna achieve, and all. it's not that it's a complex process of thinking, but i just have a clearer mind with more spare time. i even did yoga after thoseeee time i missed the schedule! im so much happy. really:)

those organizational thingies are enough. i met the ones i never known before. i've experienced the things i wanted to taste. and they're not my favorite:) i dont really fight for what i really want nor what i believe, and that doesnt add my happiness rate. i think i've got enough.

now that i know better what i really want, i'm ready to walk a bit more, run a little faster, to get it all in time.
bismillah, i know Allah will always be with me:)

being happy

as i learnt through some lectures, i believe that we can never leave genes as a part of our daily habit. even a very little tiny molecular things that run in our body moves because of the genes. but as TIME said, it's not always about genes. there's called epigenetic that changes as we live, influenced by the environment. the environment here means the ecology, the humans, and all the things that we've been through.

sound like such a denial, but i believe that i may have this gene; to think negatively so easy. it makes me get panic, mad, and judge people easily. it's not that i blame my family to bring out this genes, it's just something that i embrace. a little thing like a missing pen makes my heartbeat goes faster. it's something i cant do something about. it's autonomic nerve system that follows the body, not my own will. what could i do about it? 

change my thoughts. breath in, breath out. 

as i embrace this, i try to take more control on my emotion. i read book about how to be happy but then after i read Brain Works, i realized: it's likely that the thoughts we have in mind comes from the memory we had. so i tried to fill my brain as much positive things as possible. that's captured as positive thoughts and i hope the output will be positive also.

and today, i met my best friends in such a coincidence, all the three! we went to a really cute place, and talked a bit. even we had to go through the crazy traffic jam during holiday and the heavy rain, but it was all worth it. im so much happy to have 'em. :)

and today i cleaned up my messy room from all of the corners. i tidied up my clothes, my books, my desk, and all. feel so much refreshed and productive. this is what i've wanted to do for such a long time but never had enough time to do it all:")

also had read BrainWorks in the morning. had finished 2/3 section! yay! this is such a great thing for me since i was so reluctant to finish even a book, and this is an english one, with not-so simle way of writings. i loveeeee this book! i love how this book reveal the way we live in such a scientific way. i love brain!!!

alhamdulillah. alhamdulillah. alhamdulillah. all my wishes came true today. tripled happiness!

take a gap year

"And for years, we've seen these students complete their gap years and return to college more focused, mature, and ready to learn. Now, new research is beginning to corroborate our observations -- by showing that students who take gap years outperform their peers throughout college."
"In a study of students at Middlebury College in Vermont, Robert Clagett -- a former dean of admissions at the school -- found that gap year participants graduated with higher GPAs than those of their peers."

"Most [incoming college] students, in my experience, don't really know what they're passionate about," Knight said. "And if you don't know what you want, then getting it becomes that much more difficult."

"Even elite universities like Harvard, Princeton, and the University of North Carolina are encouraging students to consider taking a year off before matriculation. Princeton's Bridge Year Program, for example, annually awards tens of scholarships to incoming freshmen to fund gap-year programs in Brazil, China, India, Peru, and Senegal."


"Without the gap year, I wouldn't have had the experience of knowing that it's okay to start something without knowing what you're doing," Michael told me. "I'm not sure what kinds of friends I'll have in college, or what kinds of groups I'll be a part of. But I'm ready to take more leaps."

because you know, they may have wandered around, experienced real strange things outta there, learn to face the real life or just have seen much, and now they're ready to sit still, listen to the lecture.

while me, here, barely listening to those doctors with my mind wanders around.

summer project 2012 by ninoscha

What so much interesting about this summer project was that this idea had came out 2-more years ago, when me and Dissa got so much less thing to do and we both loved all the beauty things in frame. and the awesome things happened in last summer.

to find a great escape long way out of city, to play hide and seek with the sun, to have a race with the sun shines, and all; all was great. my summer wasnt boring at all

i forgot how to use photoshop so i didnt do much edit on these photos but resize and crop. they're not fantastic, not great; i aint a good photographer, but.. i had so much fun to take shoots, prepare it all, find great colors on it, and all. 

Thank you, Irene (model), Dissa (partner), and Sandy (mate). :)