:)

one little thing

i once promised myself to stop writing anything personal here. i even wanted to make this blog private bcs i want to make another blog which contains the writing materials i used to write for my online magazine back then. i missed writing about lifestyle, current trend, tips&tricks. i read so much that i have an urge to share it back. i even had bought a diary so i dont need to write out here (should be). plus, i've got my fellas outta there, i thought, who need t owrite anything personal, here?

but i was wrong.

sometimes the only one i could hold on into is myself. sometimes i cannot count on anyone. why should others concern about me as if they hadnt had enough stuffs in mind? they have busy life already.

writing in a diary; i used to do that since elementary school till high school. i write things, so much. almost each day. but it's not like writing a blog. in a blog, even it's almost no one outta there who read it, i act like there is anyone, or a bunch of people who read it. i write not only about the things i feel, but something that i finally could learn about. just so the reader not only read about the days of my life , but they got something over here.

and there is the time, when i thought i'm gonna be fine, but then i'm not. i thought i could do that, but the fact i am hardly believe in myself. i thought i could pass this, but the fact is, i dont know how to face another day.

this week, i sleep a lot. in the night i sleep almost 9-10 hours, in the noon i sleep for 1-3 hours. i wish i could getting numb by the time i woke up, but i didn't. i wish i could pause the time the moment i slept, but the fact is the time's still running right after i opened my eyes.

it's not something so bad. i just have that kind of thing. one bad thing happens. i ignore it. then things get worse and i remember all the bad things as if i dont deserve all the good things. this is the time when i usually tell sandy. to help me feel better. but long story, she's not currently available.

i know how it feels to be miserable and alone so i try mybest to be a good company for anyone, though not everyone knows how to be one, or even have a slight willingness to try to be one.

i know. i know i can get up on my own feet. i know i have God Who will help me. but going through this before the sun comes up is just not easy. and i know, it's kind of mind trick, i could make it bigger or smaller only with my mind. but.. i almost have no energy to do that.

but you know, i have the largest source of energy called Allah. so i think i'm gonna be fine, in time:)

just found out

"However, love isn’t a one-time deal — for some it may be, but for most people, it takes a couple of tries to find someone who will meld together with them into each other’s perfect puzzle piece. And don’t get me wrong, it’s not because you didn’t love all of the previous people you fell in love with, but it’s because you didn’t exactly fit together. Think of them as that puzzle piece we tried to pair up together because it looked like they would fit, and maybe one part of the piece clicked, but no matter how hard we tried, not its entirety.

Love isn’t just a matter of feeling. It’s a matter of circumstance. Many people have stated that timing is everything, but I believe circumstance is that umbrella which encompasses timing, personal development, and personal stability.

No matter how much you love someone, if their career takes them away, if they’re struggling personally and financially, or if you’re both simply adjusting into two different phases of life, it will most likely not work out or it will be extremely difficult to see eye-to-eye or even spend time with each other. To put it simply, if you can’t keep yourself afloat, stable, or happy just yet, you won’t really have the time to fully cherish someone else in your life.

There are times in life where regardless of how in love you are, the circumstances don’t add up to keep each other in your lives. The circumstances have to be right: when you’re mature enough to handle the commitment, the conflicts and the differences in a relationship, and also when you’re stable enough to have the freedom to dedicate your time, money, and efforts to making another person happy. You have to love yourself first, love your life second, and only then can you fully love and commit to another person and maintain a healthy, long-lasting relationship. "

the most academically-dense months

10th june: exam

23rd june: exam

2nd july : exam

and im studying for about 7-10 days before the exams. almost a month straight of studying from waking up in the morning to the night sleep. 

and then thesis revision and completing the whole thesis.

and then  practical exam called osce.

and then thesis defense (crossing fingers)

this is gonna be worth it. this is gonna be worth it. 

plot-twist in 2014

it's almost a half of the year and i've been trough the ups and downs i've never gotten in the past. i am fully thankful to Allah who gave me this kind of thrills that i never expected before. but to be truth, living day by day, wondering, praying, enjoying and also being surprised of what's coming isn't that easy, and that's what makes my life seems wonderful.

family: there was a point in early 2014 that i thought, my family was perfect. perfect as individuals and as a whole. but then turned out i saw the flaws both in the persons and the connections between us. it wasnt easy to finally realize that it's pretty much normal to have family with a lot of flaws, though there's nothing perfect in the whole world. and i finally realized, that in the imperfections of themselves, in their struggling to make a good family, they will always be my best support system. ever.

friends: years ago, i was in the lowest point of what-so-called friendship. i lost my faith on that, i hate those things, and all. but slowly, it's all gone by the comings of my best friends in high school. did they try to change me? not explicitly. i was just feel loved that i felt like i have a strength to fix myself. then i finally could believe in other human. but the things got little messy in the end of 2013, which made me a bit shattered. so in the early 2014 i was about to lose all the connections with friends. i was so arrogant that i thought i could live alone. but the fact was, i was really miserable living that life. then that was the time i once talked to my best friend, said anything i held back, and felt relieved. that was the time i finally realized that, the real best friend is one of the God's biggest blessings in life. the one that i should take care of.

love: i was sooo focused on myself and others that i thought i had least care on the lovey dovey thingies, until my life broke all in once, in the not-so-early 2014. then that was the guy who had always been there, the one that no matter how ugly i treated him, he still stayed. and i realized that he may the only guy who could do that. who could be nice and all without me being insecure of his existence. then after a lot of disconnections, i tried, again. and soon after i took that decision, i felt the same, old, disconnection i always had with him. it's not something about him, nor something about me (as i always questioning this to Sandy: why i always failed in a realtionship?). it was something between us that is just not connected. im such an idealistic. however how stupid it sounds, i believe there would be someone who i could bear with no matter what, just because i feel connected. some poet may call it chemistry. so i thought, i should let him know and try to let go, let go of himself, let go of the future image of us being happy, someday (cs i thought we both would eventually change and be connected). then i felt a bit frustrated of failing again. and since i dont know when, someone comes along. :)

academic, career, future: i've always had solid image in my mind about the future me. not until i talked about this with a person few days ago, not until i saw a tedx video, that i realized, that the thing we imagined now about 5 years or 10 years later may be not relevant with the future 'now' anymore. that the ability to imagine the future is the prove of human's lacking of imagination, bcs we may fail to imagine the real us in the next 10 years, said the tedx video. this year, is the year i felt really energized, and hopeless, and full of visions, and failed, and all. i was feel like i was so helpless... this semester i finally realized that im no longer holding cumlaude gpa and how hard it is to raise it. this broke all my future-self imagination. i had the spirit, then i failed, i burnt out. i felt like i've done all the things i could do but still, the result wasnt as good as i wanted. but then i prayed, a lot. i read the positive essays/articles of struggling and getting back from failing, and all. not too much, but i try the best to surround myself wih the hard work environment. even it's only zero poin something, i finally got my gpa raised. it's a bit enlightening for me. and about my undergraduate thesis, i was being promised to have the proposal seminar in the early feb, then it was held on until april/mei, then it was cancelled 6 hours before we presented. i almost cried. i'd done 2 revisions by that date, and i was so prepared. i was really dissapointed, until i finally presented my proposal in Mei and i felt like one of the huge rocks on my back was gone. and then i saw my friends one by one did the final thesis seminar. 

it's like this academic/school thingies is a long marathon i should win every lap. (should I, really?) :)

i feel really blessed to survived all the ups and downs, being helped by the family and friends over here, and being calmed down by the prayers i sent or by the way they're sent back to me. :)

summer holiday!

alhamdulillah, the exams had ended and all i have is just summer holiday!
no..:)
these two months i will dedicate myself to my academic stuffs like make-up tests and finishing my thesis. did i just type it?:')
hope these things will go smoothly. hope i could graduate in the right time with good GPA. ameen. :)

may memories

it's hard to keep up with blogging while you already had twitter, path, instagram to update about yourlife and all. but here is, i'm a committed blogger even there's no one read that bcs i just love to look back at my previous post and remembering me how far the time has brought me.
this is what May has given to me so far:

1. everyone has a problem. dont ever dare to judge
like how i was dissapointed by few people who turned out they had real issues than just mine. how the people who acclaimed not having any problems actually have it but they hadnt realized it just now, and all.
2. be grateful & do your part
'cause God only gives us and wants us to do and take our own portions. it's specially there for us.
3. God over anything
and Allah is the best thing happened in my life.
4. stop procrastinating
i hate to say this but really, procrastinating leads me to waste lots of time and tons of works which was really really depressing in the end. hate it.
5. healthy life style isn't only a title of our last block in the third year
it's a real thing we should always think about and do every single day. no healthy day no cheating day, because we're just living the healthy lifestyle not only the healthy life-trend.

bits of the lovely hectic days

im not a big fan of being busy, having too much to do in 24 hours, but that's my routine for the last year and more. now im making the whole yearbook thingies which has so many things to do in such little time, excluding the academic stuff itself.
i will always remember the good old days when i had nothing to do (mostly) in my spare time, hang out with my ex whenever wherever (yes, i've been missing those good old days which can't be returned back. we're socrazily busy and done with trying.), hang out with my high school sweethearts//bestfriends, and all. i miss those all i've been losing those moments in the alst 20s months. wish i could get that back before clinical rotation next year.
yeah, life passes by so fast.

love this

save orang utan

Post by Alain Compost.

still

You came out so perfect I found no words to describe.

World hasn’t invented the word for: a perfect guy i strangely knew in a short amount of time like i’ve known each other for forever and makes my heart beats a whole lot faster than it used to be. And it wasn't even existed in my fantasy… it shoot me hard because I never realized that the reality could be this…. Wonderful.

You. The one I wish I could tell my day all-about in the end of the day. The one that I wish I know his whole day, including with whom he was having lunch with, what was the last meal he ate, or even what’s his homework for tomorrow. The one that I will listen to, even it’s kinda boring, like the 20-times-repeated of his first Olympiad-winning story. I will weep his tears when he talked about his first so-called failure. I will genuinely listen to his dreams and support him all the way to achieve them all. The one that makes me stop counting how many tears and fights I’ve been getting through only to be forever with him.

But you know, life is not simply a fairytale.

So there was an afternoon when we met and I smiled so much.

But 5 minutes later I was extremely sad, I didn’t know why at first.

Later on, when my brain had functioned well, I realized.

you couldnt be mine.

new fav dance-fitness video

i've been not doing any kind of exercise for the past few weeks and now having a problem with toooo much sleep. i feel sleepy all the time yet never really feel energized. i only swim once in a week and it's kinda bad comparing my old habit of doing morning jog or cycling for 20 minutes or more. i feel like i neeeeddd to do some kind of exercise but tooooo lazy to start anything heavy. so i clicked youtube for "fun exercise" and found this video. it's great, not so tiring but you'll surprised how much sweat you'll get in the end of session. good start,love it!:)

all that matters

like Taylor Swift once said, breakups and other sad moments inspire us more to write music than the happy moments. so lacking of blogposts here means.... well.. not in that kind of happy; the state of having it-all, the wonderful things i've been wanting. no. but in state that im grateful of all of the things i have.

i hate how peer pressure us to have a certain relationship with certain person. like: "you're single? no, you kidding me". well, accept the fact im way tooo awesome to anybody. (heeee.. no. jk). im just like, i know the stories, a lot of that, about relationship. what's the purpose of that? to know people better? what for? im just losing any rational thoughts about Why We Should Date Anyone if There's No Such Thing as A Passionate Love. i've never loved a guy that much lately.

so i like to know people, mingle with others, befriend with both males and females. when I've got a guy cached my attention, I've got a goal right after: to know him better. but then when things go smooth and all, my goals are achieved and.. i really don't see the point of going out together almost every single day (or every single week) with the same person, talking about the (almost) same things all the time. you know, maybe it's me who cant take commitment seriously, or it's just me that haven't met the right guy whatsoever, but i do things with purpose, and spending my time to the one who expect me much and let me have such responsibility to take care of one's little fragile heart aren't my goals for now.

i'm not a hyped girl, then. for having no boyfie, posting no couple-y thingy, getting no romantic surprises and gift, but i am so much blessed for living in the same roof with my family and having my brother as my neighbor plus my sister in law and my niece. so if you asked me what i do in my spare time, i would answer: i'll hang out with my old mates (high school never ends, remember?) and just chill out with my family, either at home or at our favorite place. i was trying so hard, to fit in, to leave out the 'independent girl' thingy, just to be with a guy, have a great relationship like the others. even i really enjoyed the supportive things, the lovey dovey things, the caring stuffs, like no other best friends will give you. but... i'm more like a person that only will be the man i'm deeply in love with or being alone

my family is my treasure. they love me unconditionally, never expect anything in return, always treat me right, and never get mad at me if im being me, like all the time. they're my only love after Allah. they're always on my prayers after Shalat. they're the only ones i can talk to for hours and make me feel better. i would never replace these times when my family's bond gets tighter each day. i love you, guys. i really do.

it doesn't mean im not interested 'to be with the right guy'. im just not into a certain young-and-free relationship now but tooooo young to marry anyone.
so what are you up to now, Nin?
i'm now focusing on spending my time with my family, paying back all the love they've been given to me for the past (almost) 20 years and making a great history of myself. (Ehem)

maybe someday a guy would be walk in and make me realize how it doesn't work on anybody else, but before it happens to me, i'll still believe that the awesome-right-man is still exist and the only meaningful relationship in the whole universe is marriage; that's the only worthy relationship one should have. someday. amiin.

i keep thinking to post this or not. i mean i would look like a terrible mess with this kind of writing. but really, i stuck with this thoughts for a couple of days and i just need to write it out.

love and relationship are good. really. for anybody but me, now.

talking so much that my throat hurts

is the thing that i probably do when im with my best friends. best friends here means the ones i shouldnt explain myself nor how things get started. i just talk to them to continue my previous stories. my life. my sister's going outta town for a while. i obviously have no one to talk to. my campus life are super nice but i need to start my long story with 'it started when..' and i have no enough energy to do that.
i know people are busy, have many priorities. some people already have they living diaries, they may not need any other people to be talk to anymore, unlike me. so i start to accept that fact, adapt, and try to move on.
why dont you date a guy, then?
i only want to date a guy who i can talk with about many many many things. i havent found one. or even if i have found him, he's not into me. you know, that's how life rolls.

be always with me, dear Allah.

my kind of healthy life style

1. drink A LOT of mineral water
i drink at least 3 bottles of 600ml water. i use bottle instead of glass because it's easier to count and carry anywhere, literally. even when the ashes get into my house, my luvly water is secured.
(yea..)

2. have (minimum) 3x30 minutes of excercise
my top 3 exercises are: swimming, cycling and running. they're the easiest and the most fun ones. the only problem is that they're outside-exercise kind of thing, which i cannot do when the weather gets extreme or it gets rain. my indoor-exercise options are yoga class or zumba class. yoga class gives me kind of grrrrreat stretching feelings (i dont lie, it feels really gooooood!) but seems boring 'cause i've got to stuck on some poses. when i get bored, i do zumba 'cause it makes us move a lot and makes us sweating soooo much. i follow the instructors in the youtube and voila! i've done a simple and fun exercise:p

3. a glass of lemon water in the morning
please search 'the benefit of lemon water' and you'll get many, and may be surprised how it benefits us. really. it's the 'acid water but soon in the blood become and alkaline agent that makes.....' or it's 'the vitamin C that makes us...' etc.

4. regular fruits intake
fortunately my family and i are huge fan of fruits. my mom wont the table empty without fruits. i usually eat bananas, strawberry, papaya, watermelon. the easiest and probably consider as the cheapest that are sold in the local market. so easy so cheapy sooo healthy!

5. healthy regular meal in a day
including breakfast. my favorite one is whole-meal bread with eggs or any jam for breakfast. i'll eat a whole nutritious carbo+protein+veggies (if there's any hehe not a big fan of veggies:p). i rarely eat at night by the way (come home late, the food's already in refrigator, too lazy to bring it to microwave. well...)


i wanna be as healthy as i could be bcs i fully understand that healthy is a process and surely a long term investment that values SO much.

how to cope with the stress

i was on my lowest point, knowing that some of my goals didnt make it last year. it was depressing though to see that our new year resolution didnt really work. i thought i may not need any of it anymore. but well then i realized i still need goals to have a better directions on how i should live my life, or at least my 12 months life. so i made it. i didnt post it, i only wrote it in my diary (ehm), just because it gets more personal and im not ready to talk about it in public. but anyway, i have few tips on how to cope with the stress since i was reaaaaaalllllyyyy depressed and in a desperation of any help. wish it'll help!

how to cope with the stress

1. stop comparing yourself to others
this thing leads to unhealthy thoughts,obviously. we tend to compare things with the ones we adore; in positive way it makes us have a goal, when the ones we adore tend to be better than us, in most of the things. sometimes, we also see the great things in people we forget to see all the bad things in the 'backstage' that they hide, especially in social media era which people can share anything they want (probably only the good).
we are made original. we have different characters and abilities; we have our own capability and personal achievement, so stop comparing yourself.

2. remember the good things that you've got, be grateful!
sometimes we forget that we still have a lot of great things that people dont have. simply like a mother, a father, siblings, best friends, and all. or if you dont have any of it, you still have health, a few rupiah, food, pretty clothes, fancy bags, or even experiences. there must be some things that you have but others dont. something that you take for granted when the others want it badly. remember. there will be, obviously.

3. have personal goals
when we have certain goals personally, we will be soo focused that we forget the other things, including the stress thingie. dont stop until you got there. dont stop even you're tired. if you stop when you tired, you'll think about the hard works and not-getting-there-already thingies and it'll lead to stress. just doooo your best! and remember, personal goal means personal, it should never be about anyone else but you:)

4. get closer to the ones you believe and the ones that believe in you
getting closer to God helps me so much. like how i believe that Allah loves me much that He would never upset me with His plan with my life, and all. and getting closer to family also a HUGE help. they love me no matter what, believe in me fully even i failed for times. this brings us to a grateful feelings, brings back the love, and makes us stronger than before. really.

hope these little tips help! goodluck:)

imperfection

sometimes you just lose. it just happens. :)

"Berbuatlah, karena masing-masing akan diarahkan kepada tujuan penciptanya"

H.R. Ahmad