weekend, finally!

that's my kind of days lately due to block exams. honestly, this block was exhausted. not-so-good grades but it thought i deserved it. i mean, look, i didnt study as hard as the previous block due to horrible time management i had, i wasnt ready for that much of works. well.....

but anyway, i thought a lot about myself, also, lately. i had a one disastrous moment few weeks ago. i've had lost my faith on certain things, certain people, and that disastrous moment crashed it one more time. i almost had nothing left. well i have a detachment theory of myself. i was bullied by my own bestfriends since i was in elementary school. it's not that i am now not being friends with them. but really, i cant just forget that. i lost my faith on myself. im insecure about almost anything. and i hardly trust people now.

and now, every time i get hurt, i wouldn't let that person do it further, so i detach with that person. even for any kind of small mistake. i realized that the reason i got hurt was because i was too attached with that person. so i decided to put a space, one step, two step, three step, and further to prevent any major wound in the future. i thought it was a right thing to do, to give up on other easily, until i realized something...
that maybe i also hurt someone else before, a small, unintended one, but really really hurt that person, and that person decided to forgive me and forget about it instead. unlike me that hard to forgive, even forget a tiny little mistake that others had done to me, without them knowing what they've done wrong.

i know this isnt right. but i can do nothing. i dont know how to restore the faith. i just dont know.
im sorry.

and since my days off had begun, welcome to pretty, healthy, nice, free, relaxing days ahead!

Paradox of the day

Siang itu panas banget. Aku masih menunggu puluhan detik lampu merah untuk berganti. Aku melihat sekeliling dan melihat puluhan keranjang warnawarni diikatkan pada sepeda onthel bagian belakang. Lalu aku mengerakkan bolamataku, memperluas pandanganku, menemukan puluhan burung burung gereja yang telah diwarnai.
Entah, aku hanya memikirkan: berapa sih yang bapak ini dapat? Seberapa cukup sih uang itu untuk hidupnya dan keluarganya? Apakah ia pernah terpikir untuk berlibur sejenak?

Lalu beberapa detik kemudian aku mulai memikirkan burung-burung itu. Apakah mereka nyaman? Apakah tidak apa membiarkan mereka diberi zat pewarna, dan bukanya membiarkan warna asalnya memikat para calon pembeli? Pantaskah hewan liar dikandangkan lalu diperjualbelikan? Apakah itu memang salah satu takdir burung liar? Aku asumsikan orang tersebut tidak berternak melainkan menangkap burung liar.

Lalu aku kembali memperluas pandanganku, ia menghisap rokoknya dalam; orang yang berada pada kemudi sepeda onthel itu. Apakah ia sadar, bahwa pundi-pundi rupiah yabg ia kumpulkan bisa terbakar habis oleh penyakit yang ia ciptakan sendiri? Bagaimana jika ia cukup pintar utk mengerti risiko dari rokok, akankah itu mengubah keadaan? Padahal ia naik sepeda kemana-mana menjual burung-burung tersebut, kebiasaan yang sehat bukan?

Menjelang pergantian warna lampu, ia mengayuh sepeda, tak ingin ketinggalan lampu hijau yang juga akan segera berganti. Peluhnya terlihat menetes. Aku melihat kerja keras yang sia-sia dalam satu manusia dalam beberapa detik saja.

Productive Saturday

I had a rough week. Not only this week but the previous one was also rough. Pulmonary and  Cardiovascular Complaint block in 5 weeks is just tooooooo heavy. So in the middle of doing homeworks, i seek for happiness; watch organizing&back to school supplies videos on youtube. Im so much obsessed wih organizing i bought soooo many agenda, labels, highlighters, and all just to be organized. I also love decorating which really connected wih organized stuffs. So after i watched like 5 or 10 videos of organizing tips, this mornig i started my organizing project. I had my major organizing project once when i read the happiness project. It tells the  importance of tidy up the room, make more spaces, etc. I was really inspired so i tidy up my boxes, my desk, and all in my room including my closet. It was a major one so what i did this morning was just a little thing.

I whased 5 of my shoes, tidy up 3 racks, and even paint my own box so it'd look good. Im soooooooooooo happpy that i could do soo much thing in like 2 or 3 hours, feeling so much productive and love my room even more. I planned to go out to study but then i feel like i'll more comfortable in my room (plus i dont need to pay 20k to have a coffee which i can make myself).

Really. It feels really good to have some organizing project for urself!:)