plot-twist in 2014

it's almost a half of the year and i've been trough the ups and downs i've never gotten in the past. i am fully thankful to Allah who gave me this kind of thrills that i never expected before. but to be truth, living day by day, wondering, praying, enjoying and also being surprised of what's coming isn't that easy, and that's what makes my life seems wonderful.

family: there was a point in early 2014 that i thought, my family was perfect. perfect as individuals and as a whole. but then turned out i saw the flaws both in the persons and the connections between us. it wasnt easy to finally realize that it's pretty much normal to have family with a lot of flaws, though there's nothing perfect in the whole world. and i finally realized, that in the imperfections of themselves, in their struggling to make a good family, they will always be my best support system. ever.

friends: years ago, i was in the lowest point of what-so-called friendship. i lost my faith on that, i hate those things, and all. but slowly, it's all gone by the comings of my best friends in high school. did they try to change me? not explicitly. i was just feel loved that i felt like i have a strength to fix myself. then i finally could believe in other human. but the things got little messy in the end of 2013, which made me a bit shattered. so in the early 2014 i was about to lose all the connections with friends. i was so arrogant that i thought i could live alone. but the fact was, i was really miserable living that life. then that was the time i once talked to my best friend, said anything i held back, and felt relieved. that was the time i finally realized that, the real best friend is one of the God's biggest blessings in life. the one that i should take care of.

love: i was sooo focused on myself and others that i thought i had least care on the lovey dovey thingies, until my life broke all in once, in the not-so-early 2014. then that was the guy who had always been there, the one that no matter how ugly i treated him, he still stayed. and i realized that he may the only guy who could do that. who could be nice and all without me being insecure of his existence. then after a lot of disconnections, i tried, again. and soon after i took that decision, i felt the same, old, disconnection i always had with him. it's not something about him, nor something about me (as i always questioning this to Sandy: why i always failed in a realtionship?). it was something between us that is just not connected. im such an idealistic. however how stupid it sounds, i believe there would be someone who i could bear with no matter what, just because i feel connected. some poet may call it chemistry. so i thought, i should let him know and try to let go, let go of himself, let go of the future image of us being happy, someday (cs i thought we both would eventually change and be connected). then i felt a bit frustrated of failing again. and since i dont know when, someone comes along. :)

academic, career, future: i've always had solid image in my mind about the future me. not until i talked about this with a person few days ago, not until i saw a tedx video, that i realized, that the thing we imagined now about 5 years or 10 years later may be not relevant with the future 'now' anymore. that the ability to imagine the future is the prove of human's lacking of imagination, bcs we may fail to imagine the real us in the next 10 years, said the tedx video. this year, is the year i felt really energized, and hopeless, and full of visions, and failed, and all. i was feel like i was so helpless... this semester i finally realized that im no longer holding cumlaude gpa and how hard it is to raise it. this broke all my future-self imagination. i had the spirit, then i failed, i burnt out. i felt like i've done all the things i could do but still, the result wasnt as good as i wanted. but then i prayed, a lot. i read the positive essays/articles of struggling and getting back from failing, and all. not too much, but i try the best to surround myself wih the hard work environment. even it's only zero poin something, i finally got my gpa raised. it's a bit enlightening for me. and about my undergraduate thesis, i was being promised to have the proposal seminar in the early feb, then it was held on until april/mei, then it was cancelled 6 hours before we presented. i almost cried. i'd done 2 revisions by that date, and i was so prepared. i was really dissapointed, until i finally presented my proposal in Mei and i felt like one of the huge rocks on my back was gone. and then i saw my friends one by one did the final thesis seminar. 

it's like this academic/school thingies is a long marathon i should win every lap. (should I, really?) :)

i feel really blessed to survived all the ups and downs, being helped by the family and friends over here, and being calmed down by the prayers i sent or by the way they're sent back to me. :)

5 things about 10th June 2013

my new favorite place that i visited last week !  with such a sweet interior :)

1. i only have one class (two hours) but i brought a huge bag instead. i prepared to swim after class but then i have a sudden meeting. which is such a dissapointing.. cs i miss swimming real bad! then im the only one attendant from my division. ok.
2. i have so many todolist im starting to be confused. i took many many many responsibilities in the second year, but i wanna be great in all. i mean it's not about me. it's about the responsibility that's tied to my name. i dont have a plan to ruin my own reputation if i have any. i started to miss my old lazy days.
3. im stressedout about academics. im starting to make a whole clearer plan about my academics and i have somuchtodolist also to make it true. and God, i have somanytodolist also from my works and volunteering and others so yeah... plus i need to hang with some friends also once in a while.
4. i have a huge admiration for those who can keep their relationship balance with a good harmony for such a long time. ok this explains much.
5. im a todolist junkie i forgot how much i wrote about it.

but anyway, im so much thankful for the days i have today, and yesterday, and the last few days, few weeks, few months, even maybe for tomorrow. i mean, the healthy body, the salary, the knowledge, the inspiration, the people,all the things are just beautifully complete me. i'm in a happy state now:)
been jogging and running for min. 3x per week with an app for android (myrunmap, nike+, etc) so i keep motivated and i can see the summary of my work out. plus now im doing yoga once a week in campus, again! well, these habits makes me really careful about what i eat 'cs the work outs i do wont help if i didnt balance with my healthy diet. let's shape a better, healthier generation!:)
have a nice day!

jujur//nulis

ada yang ngerasa nggak my latest post kayak nggak jujur? padahal aku nulis itu untuk berusaha jujur sejujur-jujurnya. or it's the type of the writings, yah.. aku bukan tipe orang menulis dengan tata cara event by event tapi aku seperti memaksakan menceritakan segalanya so my post will look moreeeee factual. i feel not right when i read that post, feel like wanna erase it, but, i let it be. i let it be my foot print that i've once been fool enough to act like somthing aint me.
doesnt mean what i've written is a lie. it was true. i have that emotional problem.
but my writings that lied. it's not my type:p

sambil nulis ini, sambil menghentikan pekerjaan, sambil mendengarkan fix you nya coldplay ditemani angin sepoy hari minggu.

setelah aku sadar bahwa aku punya permasalahan dalam kontrol emosi, aku jadi lebih aware, conscious, terhadap apa yang aku rasain. akhir-akhir ini, aku nemuin beberapa temen yang kurang bisa dipegang omongannya. seharian aku cuma bisa ngamuk2 nggak jelasdi dalem hati. imbasnya, aku jadi nggak produktif dan diem, dan nyentak siapapun yang sangat ganggu. tapi buat aku itu lebih baik dibanding aku show it off ke orang2, ngelabrakin satu-satu via bbm, nyindir abis-abisan via twitter, like what i did in past few years. aku nonton video TEDx, youtube lagu-lagu, liat desain-desain kamar, buat hiasan kamar baru, just to feel better. well, i felt slightly better, but im not ok.
i finally let go. instead of labeling them as friends then i feel disappointed all over again, i'd rather leave them alone.

my one of favorite bedroom ideas:D

sadar bahwa something's not ok here helps me to find a way to feel better in a good way. i'm not ok, and i will never pretend as im ok anymore. it's.. for me.. sometimes it helps me to not over-drama things, but also, at times, i need to know that something is not right and i have an obligation to fix it, anw.

sadar. sadar. sadar.

dan aku baru sadar aku sudah 2 blok ini nggak bikin agenda harian. super sigh. dari observasiku thdp diriku sendiri, dengan agenda, kita jadi terpacu untuk do things right, one at a time, finish all the task, be productive. tapi emang agak agak ribet sih untuk design what to do tomorrow dan cek lagi in the end of the day apa yang sudah kita achieve. but it's worth it so i wanna make one for more:D

what i've been doing during the holiday :

see ya in another loong weekend! i've had an awesome one anw:)

coffee talk

another coffee talk with Sandy.
kira-kira jam 1 siang, waktu kita berdua udah jenuh sama kerjaan masing-masing.
ngomongin semuanya...

ada bling bling merah di bb, aku baca bbm yang baru masuk dan mukaku langsung berubah..
"San.. males banget.. kenapa sih dia.. aku udah males banget."

"kamu tuh kenapa sih nin? dulu suka, dulu biasa aja, sekarang segitunya. emang dia salah apa sih ke kamu?"

"ya nggak salah apa-apa.. tapi ya males aja. tolong dong udah.."

"jahat banget sih.."

"ya gimana, perasaanku nggak enak, males, tiba-tiba jadi panik deg-deg an mual in a negative way."

"kok sampe segitunya tuh kenapa?"

"nggak tau..."

"kenapa ya nin, kamu itu bisa labil banget. inget nggak waktu nunggu sms balesan dari xxx? heboh banget, takut nggak dibales, tau-tau brapa menit kemudian di bales? sekarang ini.. semua mantan-mantanmu nggak ada yang baik-baik. kenapa coba?"

aku diem.. 2 hari yang lalu aku emang baru nyadar, it's like something's wrong with me. aku seheboh itu kalo ada sesuatu.. lalu tiba-tiba beberapa saat kemudian bisa jadi super sedih.. nggak ngerti. waktu itu H-1 tentamen, aku ngerasa hal itu nge ganggu banget, dan baru sadar, ini nggak bener.

" iya ya San, kenapa ya.. hmm aku sih ngerasa pribadiku agak bermasalah sejak aku di bully, ya sebelum di bully juga bermasalah sih.. tapi beda. kalo soal cowo-cowo itu.. apa ya.. mungkin self defense? soalnya waktu putus semuanya bikin aku gnerasa worthless and it's like 'no no more..' sign?"

"hmm... masa sih? itu defense atas apa? kamu pernah diapain emang?"

"nggak diapa-apain, cuma dibikin ngerasa worthless aja dan aku nggak mau ngerasain lagi jadi aku mungkin scr nggak sadar ngelindunginnya gitu.."

"ngelindungin atau ngehindarin?"

"hehehe nggak tau ya.. tapi emang tiba-tiba sama mereka, sama siapapun yang udah-udah, pasti ada perasaan yang nggak nyaman banget. bete tiba-tiba. nggak tau deh.."

lalu kita balik ke kerjaan masing-masing, atau berusaha terlihat seperti itu, karena rasanya otak kita masih mikirin hal yang sama. nggak sampai 5 menit kemudian Sandy nanya,

"kamu tau nggak dulu kenapa kamu dulu di bully?"

"tau kok, cuma ya aneh aja. kalo mereka bener-bener gk suka aku, kenapa mereka gk ninggalin aku sok aku gk ada aja instead malah repot2 bikin hidupku miserable."

dan kita pun terjebak di keheningan masing-masing. aku tau, sandy lagi berusaha keras mengerti, ataupun menganalisis.

"tapi masa iya, abis kamu di bully? sebelumnya emang nggak pernah labil kayak gini? sebelum-belumnya? aku tuh nggak percaya e nin sama semata-mata takdir, pasti ada sesuatu dibelakangnya.."
lalu aku diem lagi.. mikir..

"mm..."

aku pun flashback

"dulu waktu ayahku sekolah di luar, mama emang agak banyak pikiran, jadi lebih galak, aku sering ngambek. tapi ya biasa aja. mulai agak parah waktu selesai kelas aksel. mulai kelas 4 aku bosen belajar, maunya nonton tv, dan hampir tiap hari marahan sama mbakku atau mamaku. aku sampe harus banting pintu, lempar semua barang di meja belajar, sampe akulebih dimarain lagi gara-gara itu. terus, aku ganti jadi ngerusak buku. aku pegang pensil kuat-kuat, terus nyobek-nyobek buku pake pensil itu. hmm..
terus aku suka nulis diary.. waktu kunci gembok diariku ilang, terus aku coba utak atik pake cutter, tanganku kena, aku malah mijitin tanganku biar darahnya tambah keluar.. aku juga sering garukin lengan bawah atau cubitin, biar sakitnya di dada ilang..."

"kok serem sih nin..," aku seneng, sandy bukanya natap aku serem, tapi lebih kearah: kok bisa sih..

"hehehe nggak tau dulu.. dari dulu aku gitu. setelah di bully itu aku juga pasti ngalamin 2 bulan stress banget, ngerasa worthless, sedih tiap hari, dll. itu siklus san, balik lagi.... aku ngga terbiasa ngatur emosi, aku lebih ke mengekspresikannya jadi less destructive. makanya sekarang aku suka nulis, itu bantu aku ekspressin emosi dengan lebih baik.."

"aneh ya nin, dimana-mana itu orang ngatur emosi, kamu malah diatur sama emosi."

"iya, San. aku lagi sadar kok, lagi pengen usaha. doain aja."


sampai rumah, aku browsing. penasaran aja, aku tuh kenapa.. udah lama pengen cari tau, tapi emang baru sempat in the name of tentamen preparation. it was Friday and i browsed all day long and here's the thing i found when i googled about myself:

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) (called emotionally unstable personality disorder, borderline type in the ICD-10) is a personality disorder marked by a prolonged disturbance of personality function, characterized by unusual variability and depth of moods. These moods may secondarily affect cognition and interpersonal relations. 
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image and affects, as well as marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, excessive spending, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars or picking at oneself (excoriation).
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness
8. Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms

yang aku bold adalah yang aku pernah rasain. saya nggak yakin saya diagnosed BPD clinically, tapi saya merasakan hal-hal tersebut, dan memang dari dulu aku udah ngerasa it's not right. aku sekarang jadi penakut karena dulu keberanianku selalu jadi bahan bully, salah mulu... dulu aku juga hobi banget sedih dan ngerasa nggak berharga. labil banget, gampang banget seneng dan sedih. nggak bisa kontrol emosi. dan kalo orang liat aku hiperaktif, bukan apa-apa, tapi emang didalem hatiku itu perasaannya meletup-letup dan perlu dikeluarkan.

aku nggak mau terus-terusan berlindung dibalik excuse i'd been bullied, aku rasa mungkin aku yang terlalu dimanja waktu kecil, gen, dan lingkungan bisa bikin fluktuasi emosiku nggak sehat. mungkin malah kejadian bully itu bantu aku untuk nggak neko-neko. tapi yang aku tau, keadaan emosiku memang belum baik.

sampai beberapa hari yang lalu aku sadar.

aku mungkin udah jarang ngerasain 'chronic feeling of emptiness', tapi aku masih nggak bisa ngatur anger dan  instability due to mood, aku mudah sekali terpengaruh sama 'sentilan' diluar. aku masih tidak terbiasa untuk mengontrol emosiku, aku hanya tau cara mengekspresikan emosiku dengan lebih baik.





kenapa saya sejujur ini bikin tulisan di blog? karena akhirnya saya lega, lega bahwa mungkin saya memang belum baik dalam mengontrol emosi, tapi saya toh akhirnya tau. tau bahwa saya masih butuh memperbaikinya, tau bahwa mungkin aku pernah mengalami disorder tertentu, bahwa aku butuh memperbaiki sesuatu disini.

karena self acceptance itu sebegitu melegakannya.

aku ingin orang lain juga ikut sadar atas keadaan dirinya... apapun itu, sadari, perbaiki.
aku juga lagi berusaha kok, yuk bareng:)

the roller coaster of feelings

days have passed, it's been almost 4 days straight.

and it's almost 4 weeks straight.

sejak isi otak dipenuhi sama segala bentuk kata cinta dan konotasinya.

aku berusaha untuk nggak menyalahkan lingkungan yang sangat amat penuh dengan cinta-cintaan, tapi nggak bisa dipungkiri, itu jadi salah satu alasan kenapa aku akhirnya mau mencoba buka... hati.. untuk.. seseorang.

orang yang... dulunya, seharusnya, dan ngakunya (dan emang bener sih, kadang) selalu berusaha untuk bikin aku seneng, selalu berusaha jadi my number one supportive person. 

dan emang menyenangkan, punya orang yang bisa dengerin cerita, bisa jadi pukpuk person tiap sedih, dan ... seharusnya jadi orang yang selalu ada ketika di butuhkan.

seharusnya?

karena dia memang nggak selalu ada ketika dibutuhkan, so far belum pernah muncul waktu aku bener-bener butuh orang lain.

it's been months, i havent been had an issue about this stuffs.

 selama ini, selalu duniaku dan aku, di pikiranku.

until the idea of having someone to share my happiness knocked down my thought.

otak yang biasanya diisi dengan target to achieve pada jangka waktu tertentu jadi diganti oleh kalender perkembangan hubungan. kayak bayi yang berusaha merangkak, satu-satu hal baru terjadi, dan pelan-pelan ada yang berubah... sampai fasenya jadi stagnan lagi. sampai cewek yang biasanya di buku cerita klasik jadi pihak yang dimanja dan di kejar ini... bingung. 

masa iya, orang suka tp gk ingin sering ada waktu dibutuhin?

and after 2 years of chasing.. so called chasing me.. masa segini aja? masa dengan pintu yang udah dibuka lebar-lebar.. gini aja nih?

sama aja kayak anak smp yang deketin temennya beda sekolah.

dan disini aku nggak berusaha mengecilkan arti orang itu; he's a real smart, active, kind, good looking and all. im kinda amazed of what he has achieved so far.

he's the criteria you need an ideal boyfriend, maybe.

tapi sejauh ini, belum liat sampai mana perasaan itu ditujukan ke aku.

dan aku capek nunggu. capek... this isnt the first cycle.

it's been 2 years;  i like the idea of you being really nice to me.. then you nice tome.. then... nothing happened. and all over again.

dan orang-orang yang selalu ada, selalu mencekoki dengan hal-hal berbau cinta, coba perhatikan.

kalau biasanya aku bikin rajutan hari dengan benangku sendiri, dan aku mencoba memasukkan benang orang lain di rajutan itu, lalu ternyata seiring berjalannya waktu, rajutan dari benang orang lain itu rusak, atau bahkan habis.... apa yang harus aku lakukan dengan rajutanku?

sekarang aku merasakannya. not only talking about 'that' guy. ini juga tentang janji-janji, omongan-omongan santai pria-pria lawan jenis yang berusaha mencari perhatian gender wanita dengan kata-katanya... yang akhirnya dipercayai oleh wanitanya... dan akhirnya pria-pria itu tidak bisa mempertanggungkan apapun yang terjadi dengan rajutan rusak, dengan rajutan berlubang, atau bahkan merusak hasil rajutan itu sama sekali.

"dont say you love me unless you mean it, because i might be doing something crazy like believe in it"

ini juga mungkin tentang aku dan ketakutanku yang terlalu banyak.. dengan keenggananku untuk melakukan penyesuaian lebih banyak, aku yang apatis terhadap perbedaan yang harusnya bisa jadi hal yang menarik dan tidak membosankan.

tapi aku lelah membuat jembatan.

aku ingin dibuatkan jembatan dan hanya tinggal berjalan santai sambil melihat pemandangan sepanjang perjalanan.

bisa?

:)

aku ingin bisa berbicara tentang apa saja, dimengerti akan kebanyakan hal, dan mendengarkan cerita menarik akan hidup seseorang. aku ingin dilindungi, ditemani dan di hibur. 

not merely a bucket list of a perfect boyfriend.

aku masih se-egois ini, aku masih se-fragile ini, aku masih se-penakut ini. siapa lagi yang masih mau memaksakan aku untuk dekat-dekat sama asal laki? 

siapa yang masih mau tanya kenapa aku masih single?

udah kelamaan sedih dan mikir. hari ini mau mencukupkan semua. this is going to be the one of the most honest blogpost this year, but.. this is the only way im gonna survive. too much thought in the pool of my brain..



p.s: or this might be not about feelings, it's more about the... destiny.

larut malam dan otak kanan

foto yang aku unggah di deviantart pada Februari 2009. dulu aku produktif sekali:_)

sudah punya kebiasaan ini sejak SMP; bangun sampai larut malam, baca majalah/ internet random dan punya banyak ide popped out. kayak pop corn yang lagi di bikin di cinema, pop pop pop gitu. loncat-loncat sesuka hati, nggak terarah, tapi toh semua orang menikmatinya, begitu juga aku. so let's have a map about my random thoughts tonight!

trip 3 hari jakarta-lampung-jakarta sebenernya cuma meninggalkan capek, masuk angin, baju kotor, makanan dan dompet yang menipis. ke jakarta numpang tidur, ke lampung numpang makan, numpang ke hajatan keluarga, numpang tidur, dan ke jakarta lagi cuma numpang duduk dan pipis. tapi lebih dari itu, pengalaman super fast yang aku dapet itu lumayan bgt! alhamdulillah:) pertama kali keluar jawa-bali, ketemu banyak orang dari daerah yang berbeda, tau arti keluarga lebih dalam, a road trip for 18 hours, makan anak mas lagi (for sure!!), dan lain sebagainya. a mini trip like this is more refreshing than a long one, i thought. a long one brings the laziness out of myself and that's what mager stands for. males gerak. males move on ke realita. bisa aja aku stay di lampung longer, tapi berarti bolos kuliah dan males banget buat balik ke rutinitas. rrr...

i've been adoring a guy named G.T. dari SMA aku tau dia sebagai aktivis, bareng Alanda Kariza. aku selalu suka sama tulisan-tulisannya di blog. awalnya, dia cuma nulis kesehariannya kayak remaja normal lainnya. tapi lama-lama dia mulai nulis tentang politik dalam bentuk essai bahasa inggris. it aint easy to understand a long political essay with a really good grammar wrapping them all. tapi aku--nggak tau gimana, tetep bisa nikmatin tulisan-tulisannya dia. he's absolutely a really wide open-minded. indonesia needs more of that kinda guy. saya juga butuh lebih banyak cowok-cowok kayak gitu...#ngelantur. lols kidding. aku cuma mikir betapa indahnya dunia kalo cowok-cowok yang isi otaknya cuma dapetin cewek-cewek cantik itu bisa lebih mikir lagi tentang dunia yang subhanallah luasnya. tapi jangan salah, aku bukannya adore cinta-cinta an gitu. aku lebih ke arah terinspirasi banget sama orang ini ini!:) sayang, dia udah jarang update blog dan twitter dan jejaring sosial lainnya..

betapa kangennya sama playlist 2009 juga sempet bikin penuh otak. i miss white shoes and the couples company, the trees and the wild, phoenix, santamonica, pure saturday, sore, dan band-band indie lainnya. musiknya yang bikin tenang, liriknya yang jujur dan identitas masing-masing yang bikin mereka stand out itu khas indie banget!!! sayang beribu sayang, industri musik lagi di monoploi sama jenis musik tertentu. musik-musik indie jadi susah berkembang. orang-orang kayak aku yang juga cuma hobi download juga termasuk pembunuh musik indie. sorry. been trying to get their CDs but never believe the online buying:" that aint a good excuse but.. well.. im telling the truth. well, indonesian indie music, you rock!

thamrin. ada 2 acara di thamrin yang barengan sama pentas saman di kampus. siapa sih yang nggak pengen pentas di kampus sendiri? kinda pride, bro. tapi... thamrin itu kayak punya ikatan batin dan tali takdir. tiba-tiba talinya keliatan nyatu dan ngiket ke satu rencana yang Allah mungkin kasih untuk aku. i'm still wondering and already preparing for them. semoga aku tidak salah baca pertanda yang Allah kasih ke aku:D

dan beberapa pikiran-pikiran random lainnya yang memenuhi otak... rasanya ada hubungan antara jam malam dan kerja otak kanan. anyone interested to study that? he he... :)

have a good day! let's start this brand new week with bismillah. may Allah give the blessings during the week, may us be better each day:-)

aku tidak sendiri

waktu aku nulis ini, mungkin rasanya sudah nggak sehancur sebelumnya. mungkin perasaanku sudah jauh lebih baik dari pertama kali, cuma aku masih belum bisa menyembuhkan diri.

aku terbiasa dengan orang lain yang membantu, atau sekedar menemani. teman. i would never trade a friend with anything, anyone else. mungkin mereka, teman2ku semua, nggak ada yang sadar, cuma aku sayang sekali sama mereka dan i literally would do anything to them.

sampai suatu ketika aku sedih se sedih-sedihnya karna suatu hal.

dan aku sudah bilang, kan, bahwa kehidupan kuliah itu individual? kalo aku bilang gini, mungkin nggak semua orang mau bilang iya. tapi kalo salah satu orang kena sesuatu, pertolongan yang diberikan nggak sehebat kayak yang aku rasain ketika SMA. aku pun juga gitu, nggak bisa nolong sebaik ketika aku sama temen-temen di SMA. selalu merasa kalau orang lain bisa handle masalahnya sendiri.

padahal ternyata, tidak.

dan ketika aku down banget, aku nyari orang-orang yang menurutku bisa membantu. tapi hasilnya hampir nihil:)

few finally asked me out, texted me regularly to make sure i'm ok or just bbm-ed, and the rest don't know what's going on. which one are you?:)

i was so sad that i cried at night for times.

and there was a thing that made the sadness came as big as twice.

:)

remuk banget dan aku nggak tau saat itu, how could i survive. aku cuma bisa nangis sehabis sholat sambil meremas rukuh. rasanya sakit yang didalem pengen banget aku keluarin. lalu aku tau kenapa orang-orang mencoba melukai dirinya sendiri ketika sedih.

i might got depression.

i'm afraid i was.

sebenernya hal kecil. hanya saja, aku nggak terbiasa sendiri. aku nggak terbiasa memotivasi diri sendiri. aku nggak pernah percaya sama diriku, sepenuhnya. aku terbiasa membuat orang lain percaya sama aku, and make them convince me about myself.

salah besar.

nggak selamanya orang lain akan terus disana.

nggak selamanya orang akan bikin kita bahagia. iya, walaupun selama ini orang (jamak, maupun tunggal) tersebut adalah sumber semangat kita.

i tried to get close to Allah. i seemed close to Allah until i found my self lost. i missed His guidance, i missed His thoughts that i read trough things i saw.

i tried to make myself found Him in my life. for once more.

and that was my turning point.

i saw my parents living a really simple life: do what you gotta do, do the best you can do, and be happy with all you've got in the end.

my family isn't a super rich, super brainy, super successful. but my family isn't poor either. we life with simplicity and peace. and i learn to be more like family, from now on.

i don't hate people. i just realized that we can't count on people.

even we CAN be 24/7 to be the helper, doesn't mean it works on other people.

and i asked my mom:

"enak kali ya mah, punya pacar. mau nggak mau dia harus ada"

and she told me:

"lah iya, udah sana cari."

and i laughed.

seneng kali ya, punya pacar, ada yang merhatiin 24/7 dan mereka wajib jadi supporting person numero uno.

tapi jadi sendiri itu artinya harus sekuat orang-orang yang punya pacar. if a couple have one strength and they divide it into 2 for each person then each person has half, while i have a complete one strength. it's all from God and i will give back to God:)

setiap taun, aku punya siklus ini. sejak kapan? sejak aku di bully waktu sd, dan smp, dan sma. i lost my confidence, entah kemana. aku selalu puas dengan yang pas-pasan karna saya rasa i don't deserve any better.bukannya aku mau ngungkit-ngungkit itu lagi, tapi efeknya masih sampai sekarang:)

that's why i didn't wanna be alone. kayak gini sebenernya:)

even i made friends with them--orang-orang yang dulu nggak suka sama aku, tapi tetep aja...:)

wajar sih, kalo nggak semua orang suka sama kita. tapi kalo orang nggak suka sama aku, sukanya frontal sih..:p

tapi harusnya, aku belajar kan, untuk lebih kuat? di sujud terakhirku aku sering berdoa untuk bisa dapet kepercayaan diri lagi, i literally do that, kalau aku nggak lupa. atau kalau lupa, aku doa setelah shalat, kalau nggak sedang keburu-buru. i really need that.

aku capek mentally butuh orang lain and they failed to be there. rasanya sedih yang satu, jadi dikaliduakan. i'm really exhausted. i'm beyond dissapointed, but people have their priorities, which i can't make myself as their first, or second:)

and it's normal. i'm the one who should get used to it:)

terimakasih Allah, for being there, for stregthen me, for giving me another chance to be a better person. thanks for this perfect family. thanks for the love you give for me. for the love that i have. for the super endurance i thought i didn't have:)

thank You. i can't say any word to express how grateful i am:)

ya Allah, kuatkan aku. sabarkan aku. berilah aku petunjukmu.

semoga ikhlas bukan berarti berhenti berusaha sekuat tenaga. amin:)

“Life is painful and messed up. It gets complicated at the worst of times, and sometimes you have no idea where to go or what to do. Lots of times people just let themselves get lost, dropping into a wide open, huge abyss. But that’s why we have to keep trying. We have to push through all that hurts us, work past all our memories that are haunting us. Sometimes the things that hurt us are the things that make us strongest. A life without experience, in my opinion, is no life at all. And that’s why I tell everyone that, even when it hurts, never stop yourself from living.”

—	Alysha Speer and, medical is the reason why i keep going:)

“That moment when you’re studying and you just feel so tired that you want nothing more than to go to sleep, but then you realize that what you learn now, might save someones life in the future. And that’s what keeps you going.”

—

Vinny S.

desember. my favorite month

i have plenty of ideas about what to write here. i miss blogging. digging back to the past moments i've tasted, felt again, and be strong again. i miss reading about the days i've passed. if you read my post since the very first time im here, you'll see how much i grow up. from the noisy and emotional girl turn into a person with more thoughts and fake smile but still, happy inside with bittersweet past and great friends.

i always adore how Allah gives me scenes of life. i always surprised of the His new directions. i always find lesson and reason beyond every mistakes, every ups and downs. i always wondering; who's the best guy on earth that He'll give to me. who'll i end up to be. what will my life would turn out in the end.

i really want a smart guy. a smart guy who knows about life, who passionately chase his degree on college, who really loves me, who passionately curious about life, the guys who can be a religiously living the life without being looked like so freak, he should be relax more than me, optimistic and positive thinker, he should be a very boyish and manly one, he should love soccer, a bit stubborn, but very gentle and caring, he should be thinking about future much and me inside that, he should be a man with big imagination about the globalization future and how he's living that way, he must understand how i adore john mayer and Sore, it's better if he loves indie and easy listening music too, would be nice if he can play basketball and guitar, he should be love reading and spending time on travelling and watching good movie. i want a family guy, who love his family and he should be independent, not spend much cash on something unnecessary, should not be tweeting much (i know), and we should meet on the right time at the right place in the right situation.
fuck. im crazy writing about this. but at least i know what i want and i dont wanna have any relationship unless it would be with that guy or.... i dont think it will last long.


i've been doing a new job, which is good. and what about your study? i almost forget im on medschool at this very moment. im listening to john mayer, looking at good pictures on website, writing a bit craps of my days, looking at the timeline in twitter, seeing how much people wine and moan this days. i havent been prepariing for the study-case tomorrow. i havent been writing work plan, or any of that. i just wanna lay in bed, doing nothing but writing, listening music, and doing all my favorite things i havent been done lately. i need more me-time. i really need that. or just those successful people have it less?

well, i actually never had a free weekend, each weekend, i need to go out, meet somebody else, and all. at some point, i was happy. but then i felt like i lost some kind of inner joy. i have time with my self less. i have time to think about my self less. i need to do some betterment but it wont happen unless i think about it and have my self loose. as i am doing now.




here comes again december. the month when i love to reflex back into the days before, the months before. yes, i need the change in my life. i need to re-state what i should become. im kinda lost nowadays. one thing i should be clear on: my number one priority is study. i should get the straight A for all classes, for all blocks, for all semester, till the end of my academic year. untill i get clinic rotation, i should get the best score for all. please Nin, please Allah, please... please let it be.
you should work harder Nin, Study harder Nin... get your sleeping time less, please read more, please pay much attention more, please be focus more, please please please....
and please dearest Allah, dont let me alone without Your guidance, please be close to me, please grant all my wishes, shape me into someone beautiful inside and out, let me have the inner peace to control any destructive things from outside.


and December... please be good:)