What People Don't Talk About Being A Stay At Home Mother

There are a lot of myth and romanticising about being a stay at home mother. The joy of being 24/7 with our kids, i-never-missed-her-milestone, i can give the stimulation that they need and everything. But actually, some of the days, being a stay at home mother requires most of our energy and our kids get whatever left of our mind, body and soul. Sometimes we felt so superior of being stay at home mother that we didn't push ourselves enough to be the best mother that we could ever be. Sometimes, we get bored and have no love left to raise our kids. there are bad days like that, but i am thankful that i can manage myself, or just even lower my expectation of tidy and clean home while raising a baby.

But one thing that i didn't know before, is that being a stay at home mother, or being a mother itself, empowers me somehow. I realized i could help a baby, little tiny baby who at first can't do anything, then do more of the things i could never imagine. She can laugh, she can sit, she can crawl, she can choose her mother (sometimes her dad too, lol), and everything. I realized that i have a power to change the world by teaching this little tiny baby to grow, to be whoever she aspire to be. That is really powerful, and i didn't know that at first.

I'm still juggling between my own goals, whether i should stay at home longer or start to work as soon as possible. But then i believe God knows the best, and i just have to do what's i have to do right now; be a homemaker and raise my baby well.

Love (didn't come) at the first sight

I had predicted it; that i wouldn't love my daughter at the first sight. That midnight i was angry forbeing in so much pain despite of learning about gentle birth. as i pushed her out, i still mad at the world, and when she's out, i was still collectingmy sanity. Then she slept on my chest, when i was putting these images into my brain and procvess what i had  done. so this is my baby. she looked like another tiny baby. 

Newborn phase felt like a year. it was sooooo looong and exhausting. I didn't feel like connectedto her. She didn't respond to me, didn't look me in the eye, love to cry despite of my best effort and everything. I didn't feel any connection. it was merely doing the job; to breastfeed her and put her into sleep.

On the third month, i started to feel something. She started to look at me in the eyes, smiling, laughing, cooing and even responding to any of my small talks. she stareted to move her body a lot, and she made a lot of facial expressions (not so much actually but really.. A LOT).

On the fourth month she started to try to grab everything. Like everything. she rolled her body a lot. she breastfed with free style. and she laughed a lot. she tried to enggage in our daily coversarion and so much easier to soothe. i love her even more. wait, did i mention love that i had never felt before?

For me, love for my daughter didn't come at the first sight. And it's okay. I don't want to lie about that fact; that not every women loves her child instantly. Some of them need time and i was one of them. It needs a lot of tears, angers, confusion, desperation, and everything in between to finally feel something about my own child. It's hard, really, to be alone and help your child grow. However I am proud of what I had accomplished during the moment that i call it the hard time: i've been breastfeeding her, she has been growing well, and i have a wonderful relationship with my husband. It's more than enough, really. I am so thankful for this. I expect a lot less than that actually. I expect to have a really bad baby blues, cracking relationship with my husband because of the new member of our family and the duties that followed, and all the bad possibilities that occupied my head for some time. But Allah didn't let that happen! So i guess i am more than enough, now. Alhamdulillah.