all that matters

like Taylor Swift once said, breakups and other sad moments inspire us more to write music than the happy moments. so lacking of blogposts here means.... well.. not in that kind of happy; the state of having it-all, the wonderful things i've been wanting. no. but in state that im grateful of all of the things i have.

i hate how peer pressure us to have a certain relationship with certain person. like: "you're single? no, you kidding me". well, accept the fact im way tooo awesome to anybody. (heeee.. no. jk). im just like, i know the stories, a lot of that, about relationship. what's the purpose of that? to know people better? what for? im just losing any rational thoughts about Why We Should Date Anyone if There's No Such Thing as A Passionate Love. i've never loved a guy that much lately.

so i like to know people, mingle with others, befriend with both males and females. when I've got a guy cached my attention, I've got a goal right after: to know him better. but then when things go smooth and all, my goals are achieved and.. i really don't see the point of going out together almost every single day (or every single week) with the same person, talking about the (almost) same things all the time. you know, maybe it's me who cant take commitment seriously, or it's just me that haven't met the right guy whatsoever, but i do things with purpose, and spending my time to the one who expect me much and let me have such responsibility to take care of one's little fragile heart aren't my goals for now.

i'm not a hyped girl, then. for having no boyfie, posting no couple-y thingy, getting no romantic surprises and gift, but i am so much blessed for living in the same roof with my family and having my brother as my neighbor plus my sister in law and my niece. so if you asked me what i do in my spare time, i would answer: i'll hang out with my old mates (high school never ends, remember?) and just chill out with my family, either at home or at our favorite place. i was trying so hard, to fit in, to leave out the 'independent girl' thingy, just to be with a guy, have a great relationship like the others. even i really enjoyed the supportive things, the lovey dovey things, the caring stuffs, like no other best friends will give you. but... i'm more like a person that only will be the man i'm deeply in love with or being alone

my family is my treasure. they love me unconditionally, never expect anything in return, always treat me right, and never get mad at me if im being me, like all the time. they're my only love after Allah. they're always on my prayers after Shalat. they're the only ones i can talk to for hours and make me feel better. i would never replace these times when my family's bond gets tighter each day. i love you, guys. i really do.

it doesn't mean im not interested 'to be with the right guy'. im just not into a certain young-and-free relationship now but tooooo young to marry anyone.
so what are you up to now, Nin?
i'm now focusing on spending my time with my family, paying back all the love they've been given to me for the past (almost) 20 years and making a great history of myself. (Ehem)

maybe someday a guy would be walk in and make me realize how it doesn't work on anybody else, but before it happens to me, i'll still believe that the awesome-right-man is still exist and the only meaningful relationship in the whole universe is marriage; that's the only worthy relationship one should have. someday. amiin.

i keep thinking to post this or not. i mean i would look like a terrible mess with this kind of writing. but really, i stuck with this thoughts for a couple of days and i just need to write it out.

love and relationship are good. really. for anybody but me, now.

weekend, finally!

that's my kind of days lately due to block exams. honestly, this block was exhausted. not-so-good grades but it thought i deserved it. i mean, look, i didnt study as hard as the previous block due to horrible time management i had, i wasnt ready for that much of works. well.....

but anyway, i thought a lot about myself, also, lately. i had a one disastrous moment few weeks ago. i've had lost my faith on certain things, certain people, and that disastrous moment crashed it one more time. i almost had nothing left. well i have a detachment theory of myself. i was bullied by my own bestfriends since i was in elementary school. it's not that i am now not being friends with them. but really, i cant just forget that. i lost my faith on myself. im insecure about almost anything. and i hardly trust people now.

and now, every time i get hurt, i wouldn't let that person do it further, so i detach with that person. even for any kind of small mistake. i realized that the reason i got hurt was because i was too attached with that person. so i decided to put a space, one step, two step, three step, and further to prevent any major wound in the future. i thought it was a right thing to do, to give up on other easily, until i realized something...
that maybe i also hurt someone else before, a small, unintended one, but really really hurt that person, and that person decided to forgive me and forget about it instead. unlike me that hard to forgive, even forget a tiny little mistake that others had done to me, without them knowing what they've done wrong.

i know this isnt right. but i can do nothing. i dont know how to restore the faith. i just dont know.
im sorry.

and since my days off had begun, welcome to pretty, healthy, nice, free, relaxing days ahead!

meet you again, Ramadhan 2013

Marhaban ya Ramadhan!

alhamdulillah, bisa ketemu bulan Ramadhan lagi tahun ini. alhamdulillah, keluarga masih lengkap bahkan nambah mba fitri dan calon ponakan. alhamdulillah, walaupun sodara nggak ada yang dirumah lagi, tapi masih bisa saur dan buka sama bapak ibu. :)

Ramadhan last year, i got OSCE all in my mind. alhamdulillah, i passed it well =]

and now, my mind's occupied by how medschool took me for these past 2 years. the first year, i focused on myself,  rarely got along with my campus mates. i focused on aimagz, IFL, and my closest best friends. but a friend of mine challenged me: to be more active in campus. so i threw myself to the things i didn't involve before. i joined some organizations and some events as a committee. i knew more people better. i know people's name, people started to recognize me more.

but actually i didnt feel happier. :)

 

my mind's like a full cup of water. with a little shake, it moves hard. i thought my mind had moved so hard this past year. sometimes i forgot what i like, what i really want, what i wanna become and all. i become less focus on myself, i started to lose my self and my connection to God.

my grades are like a downfall in this year. used to get As but now i didnt get any of it. i know, this is me having not-so-good priority management all along. but actually, despite of the sadness after i got those scores, i felt really really thankful cs i never had less than B. i really really mean it. Allah is So Much Kind that He never let me be 'that' sad of my grades. alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah. He's Sooooooo Good:"") well, i didnt study as much, as hard, as i did last year, i know this is me that didnt adapt so far. compared to my other college mates, maybe im left behind, but at least i did what i wanted to do; challenged my self to be more active in campus. now it turns out that i didnt like it much, those weren't as good as i thought. well at least, now i know:) i hope all's getting better next academic year. bismillah:)

i see so manyyyyyyyyyy ambitious people here in my campus. at first it looked challenging and fun. but the more i see, the more i feel not-so-good about them. learnt from my daddy, he got doctoral study but never really intended to be a professor. but i see him as a real engineer. he knows how to fix things, he thinks about most of the things with physics law, or any other scientific proof. i still see him as a great engineer with brain. in other hand, i often see people here, pursuing the things that they may not like. im really really excited to hear the lectures from the ones who are really passionates about the topic they bring, but that's not so often. i even had heard of my skills lab tutor said: "obsgyn is a complex thing, it's hard, you take care of two souls in a body. it's so much risky. hhh... what did i thought when i was taking this?" 

i wish i'll take speciality, or any kind of further study, just because i like it much, not because society says it's great, it's good, or it's fine, not because society says i'm capable of that. 

medschool  requires a lot of extra works, less ego, more tolerant, and most of the time it's art. the art to help the doctors decide what to do, what to prescribe, what to say, to the patient, 'cause medicine is still a cloudy one to be fully discovered. 

i meant it when i said i thought so much about quitting this school, but i couldnt imagine better place than medschool. sigh.

so thankyou, Medschool. for taking me to the place i've never been before, like, cranium, brain nerves, muscles, heart, liver, or even to the place like the drugs between its good and its toxicity, and to the place like law and communication we never thought we needed it. thankyou for the amazing experience, which pushed me to my almost-limit, to prove me that i actually could do the things that i really wanted to do. thank you.

and hello, Ramadhan. semoga Ramadhan taun ini bisa lebih baik ibadahnya, juga lebih khusyu' tanpa sering2 banget buber yang bikin nggak tarawih di masjid itu hehe. amiin:)

5 things to be grateful about yesterday:

1. got not-so-good grade but it's tolerable. despite of my laziness, it's such a good. thank You Allah:)

2. sahoor and iftar with my parents. !!!!:)

3. panen banyak buah dari kebun = bikin sup buah home made and it's organic one!

4. sedikit2 ibadah bisa di tingkatkan:D

5. supportive friendssssssss!!!!!!! got sooo many of 'em :)

alhamdulillah alhamdulillah alhamdulillah..

5 things about 10th June 2013

my new favorite place that i visited last week !  with such a sweet interior :)

1. i only have one class (two hours) but i brought a huge bag instead. i prepared to swim after class but then i have a sudden meeting. which is such a dissapointing.. cs i miss swimming real bad! then im the only one attendant from my division. ok.
2. i have so many todolist im starting to be confused. i took many many many responsibilities in the second year, but i wanna be great in all. i mean it's not about me. it's about the responsibility that's tied to my name. i dont have a plan to ruin my own reputation if i have any. i started to miss my old lazy days.
3. im stressedout about academics. im starting to make a whole clearer plan about my academics and i have somuchtodolist also to make it true. and God, i have somanytodolist also from my works and volunteering and others so yeah... plus i need to hang with some friends also once in a while.
4. i have a huge admiration for those who can keep their relationship balance with a good harmony for such a long time. ok this explains much.
5. im a todolist junkie i forgot how much i wrote about it.

but anyway, im so much thankful for the days i have today, and yesterday, and the last few days, few weeks, few months, even maybe for tomorrow. i mean, the healthy body, the salary, the knowledge, the inspiration, the people,all the things are just beautifully complete me. i'm in a happy state now:)
been jogging and running for min. 3x per week with an app for android (myrunmap, nike+, etc) so i keep motivated and i can see the summary of my work out. plus now im doing yoga once a week in campus, again! well, these habits makes me really careful about what i eat 'cs the work outs i do wont help if i didnt balance with my healthy diet. let's shape a better, healthier generation!:)
have a nice day!

enjoying weekend

this is one of the good weekends i rarely had lately. this weekend i worked, i met my highschool friends, i studied, i tidy up my room, i made my dream board, collected good articles, read books, and all. those in 2 days. finally my weekend is made for me :)

after those hectic weekends ended, now i can finally have my time for myself. to think about my own self:what i really like, what i dont really like, what i wanna be, what i wanna fight for, what i wanna achieve, and all. it's not that it's a complex process of thinking, but i just have a clearer mind with more spare time. i even did yoga after thoseeee time i missed the schedule! im so much happy. really:)

those organizational thingies are enough. i met the ones i never known before. i've experienced the things i wanted to taste. and they're not my favorite:) i dont really fight for what i really want nor what i believe, and that doesnt add my happiness rate. i think i've got enough.

now that i know better what i really want, i'm ready to walk a bit more, run a little faster, to get it all in time.
bismillah, i know Allah will always be with me:)

being happy

as i learnt through some lectures, i believe that we can never leave genes as a part of our daily habit. even a very little tiny molecular things that run in our body moves because of the genes. but as TIME said, it's not always about genes. there's called epigenetic that changes as we live, influenced by the environment. the environment here means the ecology, the humans, and all the things that we've been through.

sound like such a denial, but i believe that i may have this gene; to think negatively so easy. it makes me get panic, mad, and judge people easily. it's not that i blame my family to bring out this genes, it's just something that i embrace. a little thing like a missing pen makes my heartbeat goes faster. it's something i cant do something about. it's autonomic nerve system that follows the body, not my own will. what could i do about it? 

change my thoughts. breath in, breath out. 

as i embrace this, i try to take more control on my emotion. i read book about how to be happy but then after i read Brain Works, i realized: it's likely that the thoughts we have in mind comes from the memory we had. so i tried to fill my brain as much positive things as possible. that's captured as positive thoughts and i hope the output will be positive also.

and today, i met my best friends in such a coincidence, all the three! we went to a really cute place, and talked a bit. even we had to go through the crazy traffic jam during holiday and the heavy rain, but it was all worth it. im so much happy to have 'em. :)

and today i cleaned up my messy room from all of the corners. i tidied up my clothes, my books, my desk, and all. feel so much refreshed and productive. this is what i've wanted to do for such a long time but never had enough time to do it all:")

also had read BrainWorks in the morning. had finished 2/3 section! yay! this is such a great thing for me since i was so reluctant to finish even a book, and this is an english one, with not-so simle way of writings. i loveeeee this book! i love how this book reveal the way we live in such a scientific way. i love brain!!!

alhamdulillah. alhamdulillah. alhamdulillah. all my wishes came true today. tripled happiness!

take a gap year

"And for years, we've seen these students complete their gap years and return to college more focused, mature, and ready to learn. Now, new research is beginning to corroborate our observations -- by showing that students who take gap years outperform their peers throughout college."
"In a study of students at Middlebury College in Vermont, Robert Clagett -- a former dean of admissions at the school -- found that gap year participants graduated with higher GPAs than those of their peers."

"Most [incoming college] students, in my experience, don't really know what they're passionate about," Knight said. "And if you don't know what you want, then getting it becomes that much more difficult."

"Even elite universities like Harvard, Princeton, and the University of North Carolina are encouraging students to consider taking a year off before matriculation. Princeton's Bridge Year Program, for example, annually awards tens of scholarships to incoming freshmen to fund gap-year programs in Brazil, China, India, Peru, and Senegal."


"Without the gap year, I wouldn't have had the experience of knowing that it's okay to start something without knowing what you're doing," Michael told me. "I'm not sure what kinds of friends I'll have in college, or what kinds of groups I'll be a part of. But I'm ready to take more leaps."

because you know, they may have wandered around, experienced real strange things outta there, learn to face the real life or just have seen much, and now they're ready to sit still, listen to the lecture.

while me, here, barely listening to those doctors with my mind wanders around.

coffee talk

another coffee talk with Sandy.
kira-kira jam 1 siang, waktu kita berdua udah jenuh sama kerjaan masing-masing.
ngomongin semuanya...

ada bling bling merah di bb, aku baca bbm yang baru masuk dan mukaku langsung berubah..
"San.. males banget.. kenapa sih dia.. aku udah males banget."

"kamu tuh kenapa sih nin? dulu suka, dulu biasa aja, sekarang segitunya. emang dia salah apa sih ke kamu?"

"ya nggak salah apa-apa.. tapi ya males aja. tolong dong udah.."

"jahat banget sih.."

"ya gimana, perasaanku nggak enak, males, tiba-tiba jadi panik deg-deg an mual in a negative way."

"kok sampe segitunya tuh kenapa?"

"nggak tau..."

"kenapa ya nin, kamu itu bisa labil banget. inget nggak waktu nunggu sms balesan dari xxx? heboh banget, takut nggak dibales, tau-tau brapa menit kemudian di bales? sekarang ini.. semua mantan-mantanmu nggak ada yang baik-baik. kenapa coba?"

aku diem.. 2 hari yang lalu aku emang baru nyadar, it's like something's wrong with me. aku seheboh itu kalo ada sesuatu.. lalu tiba-tiba beberapa saat kemudian bisa jadi super sedih.. nggak ngerti. waktu itu H-1 tentamen, aku ngerasa hal itu nge ganggu banget, dan baru sadar, ini nggak bener.

" iya ya San, kenapa ya.. hmm aku sih ngerasa pribadiku agak bermasalah sejak aku di bully, ya sebelum di bully juga bermasalah sih.. tapi beda. kalo soal cowo-cowo itu.. apa ya.. mungkin self defense? soalnya waktu putus semuanya bikin aku gnerasa worthless and it's like 'no no more..' sign?"

"hmm... masa sih? itu defense atas apa? kamu pernah diapain emang?"

"nggak diapa-apain, cuma dibikin ngerasa worthless aja dan aku nggak mau ngerasain lagi jadi aku mungkin scr nggak sadar ngelindunginnya gitu.."

"ngelindungin atau ngehindarin?"

"hehehe nggak tau ya.. tapi emang tiba-tiba sama mereka, sama siapapun yang udah-udah, pasti ada perasaan yang nggak nyaman banget. bete tiba-tiba. nggak tau deh.."

lalu kita balik ke kerjaan masing-masing, atau berusaha terlihat seperti itu, karena rasanya otak kita masih mikirin hal yang sama. nggak sampai 5 menit kemudian Sandy nanya,

"kamu tau nggak dulu kenapa kamu dulu di bully?"

"tau kok, cuma ya aneh aja. kalo mereka bener-bener gk suka aku, kenapa mereka gk ninggalin aku sok aku gk ada aja instead malah repot2 bikin hidupku miserable."

dan kita pun terjebak di keheningan masing-masing. aku tau, sandy lagi berusaha keras mengerti, ataupun menganalisis.

"tapi masa iya, abis kamu di bully? sebelumnya emang nggak pernah labil kayak gini? sebelum-belumnya? aku tuh nggak percaya e nin sama semata-mata takdir, pasti ada sesuatu dibelakangnya.."
lalu aku diem lagi.. mikir..

"mm..."

aku pun flashback

"dulu waktu ayahku sekolah di luar, mama emang agak banyak pikiran, jadi lebih galak, aku sering ngambek. tapi ya biasa aja. mulai agak parah waktu selesai kelas aksel. mulai kelas 4 aku bosen belajar, maunya nonton tv, dan hampir tiap hari marahan sama mbakku atau mamaku. aku sampe harus banting pintu, lempar semua barang di meja belajar, sampe akulebih dimarain lagi gara-gara itu. terus, aku ganti jadi ngerusak buku. aku pegang pensil kuat-kuat, terus nyobek-nyobek buku pake pensil itu. hmm..
terus aku suka nulis diary.. waktu kunci gembok diariku ilang, terus aku coba utak atik pake cutter, tanganku kena, aku malah mijitin tanganku biar darahnya tambah keluar.. aku juga sering garukin lengan bawah atau cubitin, biar sakitnya di dada ilang..."

"kok serem sih nin..," aku seneng, sandy bukanya natap aku serem, tapi lebih kearah: kok bisa sih..

"hehehe nggak tau dulu.. dari dulu aku gitu. setelah di bully itu aku juga pasti ngalamin 2 bulan stress banget, ngerasa worthless, sedih tiap hari, dll. itu siklus san, balik lagi.... aku ngga terbiasa ngatur emosi, aku lebih ke mengekspresikannya jadi less destructive. makanya sekarang aku suka nulis, itu bantu aku ekspressin emosi dengan lebih baik.."

"aneh ya nin, dimana-mana itu orang ngatur emosi, kamu malah diatur sama emosi."

"iya, San. aku lagi sadar kok, lagi pengen usaha. doain aja."


sampai rumah, aku browsing. penasaran aja, aku tuh kenapa.. udah lama pengen cari tau, tapi emang baru sempat in the name of tentamen preparation. it was Friday and i browsed all day long and here's the thing i found when i googled about myself:

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) (called emotionally unstable personality disorder, borderline type in the ICD-10) is a personality disorder marked by a prolonged disturbance of personality function, characterized by unusual variability and depth of moods. These moods may secondarily affect cognition and interpersonal relations. 
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image and affects, as well as marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, excessive spending, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars or picking at oneself (excoriation).
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness
8. Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms

yang aku bold adalah yang aku pernah rasain. saya nggak yakin saya diagnosed BPD clinically, tapi saya merasakan hal-hal tersebut, dan memang dari dulu aku udah ngerasa it's not right. aku sekarang jadi penakut karena dulu keberanianku selalu jadi bahan bully, salah mulu... dulu aku juga hobi banget sedih dan ngerasa nggak berharga. labil banget, gampang banget seneng dan sedih. nggak bisa kontrol emosi. dan kalo orang liat aku hiperaktif, bukan apa-apa, tapi emang didalem hatiku itu perasaannya meletup-letup dan perlu dikeluarkan.

aku nggak mau terus-terusan berlindung dibalik excuse i'd been bullied, aku rasa mungkin aku yang terlalu dimanja waktu kecil, gen, dan lingkungan bisa bikin fluktuasi emosiku nggak sehat. mungkin malah kejadian bully itu bantu aku untuk nggak neko-neko. tapi yang aku tau, keadaan emosiku memang belum baik.

sampai beberapa hari yang lalu aku sadar.

aku mungkin udah jarang ngerasain 'chronic feeling of emptiness', tapi aku masih nggak bisa ngatur anger dan  instability due to mood, aku mudah sekali terpengaruh sama 'sentilan' diluar. aku masih tidak terbiasa untuk mengontrol emosiku, aku hanya tau cara mengekspresikan emosiku dengan lebih baik.





kenapa saya sejujur ini bikin tulisan di blog? karena akhirnya saya lega, lega bahwa mungkin saya memang belum baik dalam mengontrol emosi, tapi saya toh akhirnya tau. tau bahwa saya masih butuh memperbaikinya, tau bahwa mungkin aku pernah mengalami disorder tertentu, bahwa aku butuh memperbaiki sesuatu disini.

karena self acceptance itu sebegitu melegakannya.

aku ingin orang lain juga ikut sadar atas keadaan dirinya... apapun itu, sadari, perbaiki.
aku juga lagi berusaha kok, yuk bareng:)

rainy days are coming

selamat merasakan hujan, Jogja!:-)

re-read my blog, it's been all about medical and lovey dovey, thingie. isn't it?
aku harus mulai lebih banyak bersyukur sama nilai-nilaiku yang sebenernya cukup baik melihat aku nggak se super itu nyiapin ujian-ujiannya. dan instead, aku harus lebih baik lagi nyiapin the next exams for the next blocks:D
daaaan.. soal cinta-cintaan ini... hehe aku sudah memutuskan untuk berhenti sedih-sedihan karena orang yang biarin kita drowning into sadness tanpa sekalipun ngankat kita ke kawasan bebas patah hati itu ... nggak segitu worth it nya. atau aku terlalu gampang menyerah ya?:)

anw, it's been such a great year. awalnya aku ngerasa bahwa taun ini aku belum ngapa-ngapain, dibandingkan taun lalu. taun lalu, name it: being medical student di universitas terbaik nasional, masuk IFL, kerja sebagai marketing online dan mimpin majalah online; it's like all the dreams come true. dan 2012, isinya kebanyakan cuma melanjutkan yang dulu-dulu.. great thing at first that become a daily routine makes it less glorious, isnt it?

dan selama taun ini, aku apply magang, apply exchange, coba daftarin cerpen-cerpen aku, tapi nggak ada yang lolos hiks.

but then i realized, this year i've achieved so much.
sudah bisa nyetir, sudah bisa masak, sudah punya banyak teman, sudah launch fiction frame, udah nggambar lagi, punya rutinitas olahraga 5 kali seminggu @ 20 menit, udah pernah ikut yoga, ikut tim basket angkatan kampus, udah masuk CIMSA, udah punya nilai memuaskan di akademis, udah sering naik bis kemana-mana, udah ke IYC!!!!!, udah ketemu alanda kariza dan citra natasya langsung, udah nonton float:"), udah ketemu famous fashion blogger langsung.

kurang apa, Nin?:)
alhamdulillah.......
and i just realized my teenage bucket list sudah mulai tercoret satu persatu...:)

terlebih semalem:')
udah lama banget pengen nonton band indie manggung. just to know how they perform. dan siangnya, secara nggak sengaja liat tweet dari radionya rama, kalo nanti malem bakal ada float manggung di Rock Opera cafe sagan. and i was.. so stoked out. aku tweet orang-orang in case ada yang mau nemenin nonton... tapi ternyata nggak ada feedback sampe sore. aku udah hopeless, temen-temen deket pada mau uts, nggak mungkin minta temenin mereka.. ada sih dua sobat aku dari IFL mau nonton, tapi tapi... maunya ada ceweknya juga..............
sampe nunu sms aku, bilang mau nonton float juga..... nggak kebayang senengnya!!!!:')
and last night... was one of the sweetest night ever. santai di cafe, duduk (itupun berkat kita dateng pagi dan mohon mohon sama mas-masnya untuk dicarikan kursi), ngobrol sama temen-temen deket tentang apa aja, lalu dengerin lagunya float yang... nggak usah ditanya enaknya itu.
i was in love again with that music:)
dan.... serunya lagi... i met this famous fashion blogger yang aku juga baru tau dari Nunu. i mean, she's different. dia sangat vintage .... setelah cek blognya... emang vintage banget in such a cute way!! seneng deh kalo dissa bisa jadi fashion bloggah juga, abis... mirip-mirip gitu style nya. sama-sama cantik lagii:)

i had such a good night, no doubt.

picture's taken by Rio S.

aku oranngya gampang banget pengen sesuatu, kadang suka sampe iri. tapi aku nyetop itu semua dengan ikut produktif.
aku suka banget gambar-gambar ilustrasi lucu, then i made it once or twice. suka liat foto cewek-cewek cantik, then i did some make up and took photos of it. suka liat cewek yang aktif, then i encouraged myself to be more active. dan seterusnya..:)
aku nggak tahan liat orang lain bisa tapi belum aku lakukan. rasanya kayak: if people can do that, you can do too, Niin! nggak lebih baik, mungkin, but just to prove myself bahwa aku pun juga bisa. it's kinda self pleasure, kebahagiaan yang saya bikin untuk diri saya sendiri.

setelah saya baca buku the power dari rhonda bynes, saya jadi lebih fokus sama menjadi bahagia along the days. aku sampe punya mantra baru

"to be good is to feel good"

kadang orang terlalu fokus sama to be good-nya, sampe mereka lupa dengan feeling good. terlalu banyak anxious dan confusion, yang akhirnya juga bikin outputnya nggak sebagus bayangan. sekarang, aku lebih fokus untuk bikin diri sendiri feel good, so the outcome would turn out good too. dan rasanya, memang lebih mudah merasa baik dulu daripada memikirkan to be good nya. 

we're young, pasti masih banyak semangat meletup-letupnya, energinya masih ful dan siap untuk menghadapi berbagai challange tentang transisi dunia muda dan dewasa. jadi, mumpung masih muda, kita harus menggunakan excessive energy itu untuk berbagai hal yang postif. membantu orang tua dan temen emang positif, tapi rasanya energi kita jauh lebih banyak dari itu kok. belum lagi kalo bisa berkontribusi, energinya bisa dikalilipatkan dan energi kita pun bertambah. jangan takut, karena aku membuktikan bahwa aku kehilangan banyak kesempatan karena terlalu takut melakukan banyak hal. jangan ikutin aku ya:) but still, be sensible of our feelings, kalo ngerasa nggak enak ya nggak perlu di jalani. we make our own story, make our own journey, our own path, our own glory. Tuhan punya jalan yang berbeda untuk masing-masing makhluk-Nya. make out the best of our years. 

kemarin, aku nangis karena baca cerita di Young on Top Campus Ambassador. bukan karena mengharukan, tapi karena kecewa sama diri sendiri. i feel like can achieve the same thing if i want it bad enough, if i work it hard enough, but i didn't. aku bener-bener malu karena aku nggak bisa, belum bisa memenuhinya satu persen pun. sedih.

sampai aku takut, takut kalo impianku itu nggak akan pernah tercapai.

tapi impian nggak segitu besarnya sampai itu near impossible kan?:)

lalu tangisanku diganti jadi tangisan penuh semangat-tapi-bingung-mulai-dari-mana. but it's a good feeling. it's a burned, spirited tears.

bismillah, kita bisa menggapai semua impian di langit itu.

tulisan ini juga dipersembahkan untuk film perahu kertas yang membantu aku mengingatkan tentang mimpi-mimpiku, yang bikin inget semua cerita sedih tentang cinta-cintaan (yang asli sedih sampe nangis-nangis dan terancam keinget sampe berhari-hari...) dan semua keindahan yang ada di film itu. 

terimakasih semua makhluk Tuhan yang sudah produktif menyebarkan energi dan semangat dalam bentuk (karya) apapun. 

Mengukuhkan komitmen

Ini bukan hal yang mudah untuk saya. Sampai saya menuliskan blogpost ini, saya masih belum 100 persen yakin. Ini kah yang terbaik?

Mulai dari awal tahun pertama. Dengan segala excitement saya tentang sekolah kedokteran ini. I was totally focused on study as I was in 3^rd year. I've got perfect GPA for few blocks. lalu saya memutuskan untuk menomerduakan akademis,bcs i was simply bored and got distant with my lovely ones. Sampai saya ketagihan lagi sama art, projects, dan lainnya. Saya pikir, mungkin passion saya ada di menulis dan volunteering. Saya selalu seneng untuk membantu orang lain, selalu merasa perlu untuk melakukan sesuatu untuk yang lain. dan saya keterusan.
Saya mengikuti berbagai program dan project yang bikin saya kehilangan focus. Saya tidak lagi memprioritaskan pendidikan. Saya pikir: I'll get old and boring with this medical stuffs. This is my young, I will take all the things outside meds stuffs. Saya lupa bahwa once, being a medical student is a thing that I wouldn't trade with anything. Saya terlalu apatis dengan bidang yang menuntut banyak kesempurnaan ini. kalau boleh bilang, saya nggak tahan dengan environment kampus yang menurutku banyak orang yang get trapped in routine without excitement. Mereka kelihatan capek, pucat dan nggak menarik.
Awal sekali saya masuk kampus ini saya bertanya pada diri saya sendiri: mana nih anak-anak yang passionate kedokteran?
Nggak banyak yang terlihat demikian. Yang banyak saya lihat adalah orang-orang yang strive for perfection, individualist, orang-orang yang sombong tentang akademik maupun golds and blings, orang yang jalani-apa-yang-ada.
Seharusnya saya mengingatkan pada diri saya sendiri, juga waktu itu: bahwa memang ini lah kenyataannya. Saya nggak bisa lari dari environment ini.
Kalau saya selalu punya banyangan tentang orang-orang passionate yang mencoba do something great and awesome, be friendly and all, mungkin mereka memang bukan disini. Mungkin orang-orang tersebut ada di fakultas yang mengedepankan inovasi dan kebebasan. Bukan di sekolah seperti ini.
Saya lupa
Dan hampir setahun ini saya lupa.
Sampai saya membuka lagi goals saya. Perfect GPA for whole 1^st year is totally achievable, yet I didn't achieve it.
Saya selalu ingin untuk menjadi hebat. Saya pikir, dengan saya mengikuti banyak kegiatan diluar medis, saya akan jadi hebat. Tapi sebaliknya.
Saya tidak bisa mendapatkan apapun dari meraih terlalu banyak 'benda' tersebut.
Saya mau aktif di hal-hal luar, tapi saya nggak bisa karna jadwal kuliah yang mengikat. Saya mau focus kuliah, saya nggak bisa karna saya sudah get attached with those things, pikiran saya selalu mengelana ke sana. Ada banyak what ifs yang terjadi di kepala saya.
Saya benar-benar kehilangan focus. Dan saya menuliskan ini untuk mencegah orang lain merasakan hal yang sama.
Saya mencari my other self potential di saat saya harus focus. Dan apakah saya berhasil? Until now, not. Saya harusnya sadar bahwa saya tidak bisa membangun sesuatu dari nol dengan tanggung jawab study saya yang sekarang. Detik ini, saya kehilangan arah. Detik ini, saya nggak tau saya harus apa. Medical stuffs have been so far from mymind lately yet I have one huge and scary exam next 2 weeks.

Jelas, saya harus belajar. Saya harus membunuh pikiran-pikiran saya yang mencoba menjalar, sampai saya punya jalan khusus untuk mereka. Sampai saya bisa sekolah dengan baik. Karena sejujurnya, bisa saja saya mengembangkan itu semua, mungkin. Tapi in the end, saya pasti ketagihan lagi dan lagi. Dan jika seperti itu, saya yakin saya tidak akan menjadi 100% physician.
Saya selalu suka dengan achievement kak mesty ariotedjo, tapi saya harus mengingatkan diri saya sendiri bahwa apa yang ia kerjakan telah ia bangun sejak sebelum kuliah. Ia tidak mencari jalan. Dengan koneksi yang telah ia punya, jalan itu akan terbuka lebih lebar. Sedangkan saya?:)
Saya pernah punya keinginan to be good at many fields. Saya tau bidang2 apa saja itu. Tapi makin kesini, saya makin merasa ridiculous. Saya nggak mungkin bisa focus and excellent on them.
Mulai sekarang, saya ingin membuat diri saya lebih focus pada tujuan-tujuan awal saya:
Bismillah..

1. Nilai yang baik. (specific target is not to be publishedJ)
2. Have a Part time job as a writer.
3. Belajar bidang lain dari buku/seminar. Not from 3 hours of browsing, or not from streaming 2 hours of youtube videos. That's nonsense.
4. Jangan memberatkan diri. Kalau tau bahwa tidak mampu, jangan memaksakan mencari jalan dari mengabaikan prioritas2 utama seperti agama, keluarga, dan pendidikan.
5. Bertanggung jawab atas organisasi yang telah saya ikuti. Be good on it. One step at a time. Jangan gegabah untuk meraih semua kesempatan bcs it wont turn out good.
6. Jangan pernah melupakan hak dan kewajiban agama karna kesibukan dan prioritas-prioritas tersebut. It's such a fool to forget the One who takes care of your life.
7. Satu target besar lagi yang hanya bisa dicapai kalau kamu punya nilai yang excellent nin: to study abroad. jangan lupa ya:)

Sampai detik ini saya belum pernah merasakan semangat belajar seperti kelas 3 dulu. Sedih ya.. hehe. Dulu saya sampai merasa bahwa studying is a sexy thing, dan saya akan merasa bersalah banget kalo in a day saya belum belajar mandiri selama minimal 8 jam. Where have you been nin?:)
Karena dokter itu butuh skill social
Tapi butuh lebih banyak, dan jauh lebih banyak knowledge.

 
Ayo nina, semangat! Buktikan kalau kamu bisa. Berikan yang terbaik. Jadilah dokter yang know-it-all, seperti harapanmu sejak dulu. Hates anatomy? Remember when at night you were imagining about the awesome anatomy? Yuk buka hati, mata, telinga. Jadi best of your self nggak harus jadi orang dengan banyak skill. Tapi juga bisa berarti orang yang sangat ahli di satu bidang. Sedang bidang lainnya merupakan poin plus-plus yang bisa dicari atau diraih setelah poin utama tercapai. Jangan mudah terintimidasi sama orang-orang sombong ya nin. Emang banyak banget, Cuma kamu nggak mungkin membasmi mereka semua kan? Get used to it. Kuatin mental. Cuek sama pengaruh-pengaruh menciutkan mental itu. You are you. Percaya Allah punya jalan masing-masing. You have Allah and nice family and awesome friends. You' re saved. 


dan satu hal. saya mungkin salah, saya mungkin ragu, tapi saya melakukan dan memutuskan juga mempertimbangkan dengan kesadaran. if something happens to me that means i'm kind of wanting it, kecuali hal-hal yang hanya-Allah-yang-tahu. tapi sejauh ini, apa yang saya lakukan merupakan hal yang secara sadar saya pilih, dibantu oleh 'tangan-tangan' Allah yang  selalu menjadi Guide saya.:) terimakasih, Allah.

"Commitment is like riding a rollercoaster, what ever u feel, u cannot get out of that until it is finish."

"Allah tidak akan merubah suatu kaum,kecuali ia mengubah nasibnya sendiri"

"jika telah kamu selesaikan dengan sungguh-sungguh suatu pekerjaan, maka selesaikanlah pekerjaan lain." (agama mana yang sedetailini menerangkan umatnya tentang etos kerja?:))

"When I was young, I observed that nine out of ten things I did were failures. So I did ten times more work."- George Bernard Shaw

"losers quit when they're tired. winners quit when they've WON"

"I’m tough on myself in terms of my standards, but that’s also part of my pleasure: knowing you are being your fullest self."

"it's not about just living the life, it's about having a hope in dream. yet it's not only about having a dream, it's about striving real hard to get it. and after all, it's only about God behind it all;-)"

“That’s what happens sometimes. Friendships are lost, altered, damaged. People change, or you simply finally appreciate who they have been all along… And so you realize they don’t have a space in your life anymore. Doesn’t matter how long it’s been, how deep it’s gone… It happens, it ends. You move on.” 

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’” 

larut malam dan otak kanan

foto yang aku unggah di deviantart pada Februari 2009. dulu aku produktif sekali:_)

sudah punya kebiasaan ini sejak SMP; bangun sampai larut malam, baca majalah/ internet random dan punya banyak ide popped out. kayak pop corn yang lagi di bikin di cinema, pop pop pop gitu. loncat-loncat sesuka hati, nggak terarah, tapi toh semua orang menikmatinya, begitu juga aku. so let's have a map about my random thoughts tonight!

trip 3 hari jakarta-lampung-jakarta sebenernya cuma meninggalkan capek, masuk angin, baju kotor, makanan dan dompet yang menipis. ke jakarta numpang tidur, ke lampung numpang makan, numpang ke hajatan keluarga, numpang tidur, dan ke jakarta lagi cuma numpang duduk dan pipis. tapi lebih dari itu, pengalaman super fast yang aku dapet itu lumayan bgt! alhamdulillah:) pertama kali keluar jawa-bali, ketemu banyak orang dari daerah yang berbeda, tau arti keluarga lebih dalam, a road trip for 18 hours, makan anak mas lagi (for sure!!), dan lain sebagainya. a mini trip like this is more refreshing than a long one, i thought. a long one brings the laziness out of myself and that's what mager stands for. males gerak. males move on ke realita. bisa aja aku stay di lampung longer, tapi berarti bolos kuliah dan males banget buat balik ke rutinitas. rrr...

i've been adoring a guy named G.T. dari SMA aku tau dia sebagai aktivis, bareng Alanda Kariza. aku selalu suka sama tulisan-tulisannya di blog. awalnya, dia cuma nulis kesehariannya kayak remaja normal lainnya. tapi lama-lama dia mulai nulis tentang politik dalam bentuk essai bahasa inggris. it aint easy to understand a long political essay with a really good grammar wrapping them all. tapi aku--nggak tau gimana, tetep bisa nikmatin tulisan-tulisannya dia. he's absolutely a really wide open-minded. indonesia needs more of that kinda guy. saya juga butuh lebih banyak cowok-cowok kayak gitu...#ngelantur. lols kidding. aku cuma mikir betapa indahnya dunia kalo cowok-cowok yang isi otaknya cuma dapetin cewek-cewek cantik itu bisa lebih mikir lagi tentang dunia yang subhanallah luasnya. tapi jangan salah, aku bukannya adore cinta-cinta an gitu. aku lebih ke arah terinspirasi banget sama orang ini ini!:) sayang, dia udah jarang update blog dan twitter dan jejaring sosial lainnya..

betapa kangennya sama playlist 2009 juga sempet bikin penuh otak. i miss white shoes and the couples company, the trees and the wild, phoenix, santamonica, pure saturday, sore, dan band-band indie lainnya. musiknya yang bikin tenang, liriknya yang jujur dan identitas masing-masing yang bikin mereka stand out itu khas indie banget!!! sayang beribu sayang, industri musik lagi di monoploi sama jenis musik tertentu. musik-musik indie jadi susah berkembang. orang-orang kayak aku yang juga cuma hobi download juga termasuk pembunuh musik indie. sorry. been trying to get their CDs but never believe the online buying:" that aint a good excuse but.. well.. im telling the truth. well, indonesian indie music, you rock!

thamrin. ada 2 acara di thamrin yang barengan sama pentas saman di kampus. siapa sih yang nggak pengen pentas di kampus sendiri? kinda pride, bro. tapi... thamrin itu kayak punya ikatan batin dan tali takdir. tiba-tiba talinya keliatan nyatu dan ngiket ke satu rencana yang Allah mungkin kasih untuk aku. i'm still wondering and already preparing for them. semoga aku tidak salah baca pertanda yang Allah kasih ke aku:D

dan beberapa pikiran-pikiran random lainnya yang memenuhi otak... rasanya ada hubungan antara jam malam dan kerja otak kanan. anyone interested to study that? he he... :)

have a good day! let's start this brand new week with bismillah. may Allah give the blessings during the week, may us be better each day:-)

growing up, another definition

too much transformation that i've been trough this year. too much. just too much. i can barely differ the reality, dreams and nightmare.

growing up now has new definition; it requires us to grow apart a little, to be alone, to be really lonely to just feel the whisper of our inner voices, and find ourself again, and reborn, again. and at this time, we're much stronger. i think we all need to be alone just to feel ourself again, to feel the taste of individualistic thoughts in order to become the fullest person we could ever be. don't let society defines us, don't let other people defines us.

"oh Nina mantannya si X itu ya?"

i'm really grateful i've never been acknowledged that way:_) it's not my favorite part of self.

just don't let anyone, anything, that will not stick to you forever defines you. you are you. shape urself better each day.

anw, remember our high school songs? one of them are santamonica's. i miss the indie-ness of those songss!! and one of my favorite is Ribbons and Tie.:)