dilemma

i've been longing to write a blog post for a couple days, but i've never made it until today. and as usual, i'm not gonna write certain events, im just gonna write some thoughts.

well, as you know, now i'm living my dream as a medical student. and as The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho said, i got the beginner's luck. i got my grades really well for past blocks, but then i didn't get the score as i hoped for. on the last block, i studied hard, i let go my jobs, i never really go out only for having fun with my high school mates, i read the textbooks and the summaries and the slides. i worked hard for it. it was a light block, it contained less than the past few blocks.

(being a med student isn't about learning hard stuffs. it's about learning normal stuffs with heavy volume in really short time. it makes us have less time to do social stuffs and all.)

i really tried my best to get my focus on one thing: academic. but then i got my score lower than the rest. i was really sad--you cant imagine that, really really sad. then i ran to Allah. i cried and i told Him all. i read Quran and i prayed. i prayed alot. i was questening alot.. then (i forgot the exact event), but somehow i understood. that i might be arrogant, that i might become ambitious, that i might be ignorant with other people and all, if i got every good scores i wished.

then i thought a lot. that i might be better off get down, so i might realize all the bless i have, so i could be more thankful, and i might be getting closer to Allah even more.

it was kinda my state of peace: i had nothing to worry about, i didn't have anything to be taken because i had left nothing. the only thing i can do is taking care of what i've got now.

and one thing: i always had my prayers be true in this past (almost) 2 years. i never had any heart-breaking moment, except when i got 65 for math test and when i didn't pass the SNMPTN Undangan in this past 2 years. i always get what i wanted. i was on top ten rank. i got 9 for 3subjects on UN. most of the time i was on the best 50th rank in school in the senior year.

..

after realizing those all, i feel more peaceful. and as i believed before (then i had forgotten) that all the results i've got, any single result of any single thing, doesn't come from my efforts. i only do what i have to do because the obligation said so, but the result is purely in Allah's hand. it's maktub. it had been written by God.

"maka nikmat Tuhanmu yang manakah yang kamu dustakan?"

well, there's other thing. i was afraid that it (medicine) might not be my field. i might love helping but what if medicine isn't my passion? what if i get into some social cluster faculty then i'll be active student as i were in highschool so i can be good at many things and so i can meet more people, get more knowledge, be smarter than this, and people will respect me more, and all. what if?...

my study schedule here sucks almost 24 hours in a day, and i have no more time to just chillax or be more productive, do some sports or gardening. i can't enjoy my other hobbies such as reading and watching movie because i have no huge extra time to do that. i ger bored easily and i can't breath some fresh air out of this medicine routine, makes me sick and almost insane literally. plus most of the poeple here i met really concern on the grades. which i hate. it's like the world's spinning just because of the grades of future doctors. i mean, the life is more than that! why can't you guys understand?..

.. until i met more people....

then i finally found that there are still lots of normal people who can see the world better than the rest, in a full view, left. alhamdulillah:)

so, then i questioned myself back.

what if i didnt get into medicine?..
...
..
well, i might be the active college students, got more friends, got more experience and knowledge,

but i will not live in my dream.

and the imagination of that really scares me out.

well, i'm currently thinking about my future. the scariest thing about living our dream is to have another dream and to live it, again. will i have another, bigger, greater dream? will i have courage to chase it as i did? what if in the next time i failed?

and i kinda have no idea about my next career. i wanna be a lecturer, i wanna be a clinician also. but what subject i should teach? physiology, farmacology, immunology, or anything else? and what field i should take? internist, pedictrian, obsgyn, or any other? what sub i should take then?

i have no idea AT ALL.

everything seems so awesome. i really wanna be good at all the things but it's hardly be coming true. i have no idea.

i just have figured few things out.

that i wanna get financial aid during my undergraduate. that i wanna get scholarship to study in USA, approx for 2 years. i wanna be the youngest cumlaude in early 2015. i wanna pass all the classes with A or A/B scores. i wanna learn saman(i finally get into saman class on my college!! only for 2 months!! so happy:D). i wanna good at driving and cooking. i wanna learn piano. i wanna write a book. i wanna contribute more on cancer. i wanna be an activist for anti bullying. i wanna have a boyfie, that boyfie (ehem). i wanna inspire people. i wanna play basketball better. i wanna swim better. i wanna be able to float in the sea. i wanna travel around indonesia and around the world. i wanna go to mecca and turkey with daddy.

that's an enough checklist for the next 5 years, isn't it?:) wish me luck for those little dreams. not that heavy but still, need lots of efforts. bismillahirrahmanirrahim. insyaAllah.:)


At the end of the day, remind yourself your intentions behind the success – to please Allah [SWT] and your parents, to uplift the Ummah and to prove to yourself that you can achieve to the best of your potential. -- dr.Rahsid

one's post represents the whole feelings of mine:)

Allah is very kind, because He always makes me work so hard, fight and struggle to reach the things I dream of in life. I think Allah wants me to appreciate the joy of pursuing and reaching dreams in the most sincere and humble manner, because they didn't come in an instant. They all needed a long time, a long journey, a lot of thinking, a great deal of energy, patience and courage to achieve. Thank you, Allah...:') - Diana Rikasari

the reaaaal M life

ok. this has been almost eight months that i've been here. all i can say is living my dream as a med student wasn't as easy as i thought. but doesn't mean it isn't worth it:)

at first, at every first moment in my life, i couldn't fit in. it was a huge barrier between my expectation and reality. there're smart asses outta here, they're as individualistic as i'd thought before. but, you know, it was something missing, i couldn't find what is it. i don't know, maybe they all are lack of passion. just maybe. because i didn't find any spirit of self-development, i didn't find any awesome vision, i didn't find the special things in most of my college friends. it's like.. am i alone here?
most of them just living the life by 24 hours, which isn't wrong at all. but it's just not me. i expected bunch of people that have huge dreams, and somehow encourage me to have a bigger dream and louder action towards it. but there isn't any.

well, it's a bit of reality here, but doesn't mean it's all people i've been talk about.

with block system, we're lack of spare time. seven years of learning is packed to be a three and half years of learning medical stuffs. isn't it super heavy? yes of course. so then i realized that it's normal to just busy with ur 24 when it's only all you've got. even putting ur ass on bed is a guilt sometimes.

then i gave up with those people. stupid i know. how could i give up with the people i should be working with forever? and i've been pushed to understand more about living here, about the real indonesian medical school and typical medical students.
they are all simple. they wanna help people, raise some money, have a good career on clinic or academic, live happily, die happily. it's normal.
and i found my self lack of encouragement and inspiration from those people. and once again, it's not that they're wrong. it's just me having a heavy expectation. i was upset with this fact but i tried to know more, to understand more. then i get involved in some kind of medical training here.
that was my turning back--likely.

i heard stories about great young doctors who have spirit to not only have a good life with their own, but also develop their selves, living the life into their fullest, and live beyond imagination. i'm not over-dramatic but it's true.
being a doctor itself is a service to people. so most of people think it's normal to doctor going across the very tiny district in Indonesia. but they don't know that it needs more than a good brain to survive there. doctors need to know how to interact with origin people, know their cultures, and most of all, know all the knowledge (well, a very basic one) of almost all of the specializing doctors. the lack of facilities, lack of connection to family and friends, and the lonesome feeling itself. but doctors forget it all only to do their duties. with or without money, they should go for patients. ah. i'm overwhelmed. by both of the happiness to help people and by the stuffs i should be mastering on. heavy.

i'm ashamed to think that go abroad, help people in africa, and all my dreams are big enough. because the fact is, there are very tiny number of doctors who want to help their own nation, their own Indonesia, for just few years, in tiny districts over Indonesia, outside Java. i wanna be on of them. i wanna go to Papua or Aceh or Nusa Tenggara Timur/Barat. i wanna see Indonesia closer. i wanna help people, more. i wanna be contented. amen.

but first of all, i should pass this exam with A grade. please please please Allah, grant my wish. and please people, pray for me. i need to get straight A for whole year!:) amen.

and i've just found out that not all of the people we put them first will likely put us as their first, we just have to accept that and change our priority toward them. it's such a waste, wanting people who don't really want you as you do. so i just let it be. i try my best to be the most independent version of me. not much egoistic but will be more selfish since putting people first gives much wounds. and im really thankful for the existence of Allah. it's such a HUGE bless for being a moslem. im also thankful for having nice friends here in college and some from my past. i'm really thankful that you guys are really nice to me and caring to me. thank you, guys.

after past years, i will just admit that i have a big, huge, intention to just write. i promise myself to write at least a book before turning 25. would you pray for me for this please? well, writing for ai magz isn't counted.

as Joko Anwar said, when you're on the down-est moment, all you can do is just lift it up. and i'm working my ass to lift my life, my grades, my self, just so i know that im not wasting the life Allah has given to me.
thanks for reading and have a nice month!