a series of failures in such a beautiful month

i'm a bit dramatic person, i over-think most of the things, so this might be one of those little stuff that i hyperbole: but i thought i got a series of failures in this early December. a little thing like how i failed on my toefl exams (my score got 30 points lower than what i got in the last 6 months.), and how i...

but wait.
am i the only one who feel upset, feel bad about myself, feel like less worthy each time i didnt succeed?
i think im not.

i mean... well let's say i think too much and i keep my negativity too tight; but i know im not the only one who feel this way. though i have an almost perfect life, there will always be something that i didn't feel grateful about. or in this case, there are few things that i dont feel grateful enough.

after i read few sectons on The Psychology Book, i always try to remembering myself that: everytime you feel bad or good, your memories about that emotion come to you. when you feel sad, you tend to remember the bad things and when you feel happy you tend to remember more about happy things.
then i thought, it might be only my memories, hallucinations, and actually i didnt fail much.

but i do fail on few things. bcs i thought i didnt deserve it in the first place, bcs i didnt work hard enough for it, bcs i didnt put my focus on it, and bcs God didnt let me to for His own reason that only God understands.
so i keep believing, i keep on having a faith: that someday life will turn into really beautiful 'till i cant speak any single word to describe. someday, life will be that pretty.

weekend, finally!

that's my kind of days lately due to block exams. honestly, this block was exhausted. not-so-good grades but it thought i deserved it. i mean, look, i didnt study as hard as the previous block due to horrible time management i had, i wasnt ready for that much of works. well.....

but anyway, i thought a lot about myself, also, lately. i had a one disastrous moment few weeks ago. i've had lost my faith on certain things, certain people, and that disastrous moment crashed it one more time. i almost had nothing left. well i have a detachment theory of myself. i was bullied by my own bestfriends since i was in elementary school. it's not that i am now not being friends with them. but really, i cant just forget that. i lost my faith on myself. im insecure about almost anything. and i hardly trust people now.

and now, every time i get hurt, i wouldn't let that person do it further, so i detach with that person. even for any kind of small mistake. i realized that the reason i got hurt was because i was too attached with that person. so i decided to put a space, one step, two step, three step, and further to prevent any major wound in the future. i thought it was a right thing to do, to give up on other easily, until i realized something...
that maybe i also hurt someone else before, a small, unintended one, but really really hurt that person, and that person decided to forgive me and forget about it instead. unlike me that hard to forgive, even forget a tiny little mistake that others had done to me, without them knowing what they've done wrong.

i know this isnt right. but i can do nothing. i dont know how to restore the faith. i just dont know.
im sorry.

and since my days off had begun, welcome to pretty, healthy, nice, free, relaxing days ahead!