a series of failures in such a beautiful month

i'm a bit dramatic person, i over-think most of the things, so this might be one of those little stuff that i hyperbole: but i thought i got a series of failures in this early December. a little thing like how i failed on my toefl exams (my score got 30 points lower than what i got in the last 6 months.), and how i...

but wait.
am i the only one who feel upset, feel bad about myself, feel like less worthy each time i didnt succeed?
i think im not.

i mean... well let's say i think too much and i keep my negativity too tight; but i know im not the only one who feel this way. though i have an almost perfect life, there will always be something that i didn't feel grateful about. or in this case, there are few things that i dont feel grateful enough.

after i read few sectons on The Psychology Book, i always try to remembering myself that: everytime you feel bad or good, your memories about that emotion come to you. when you feel sad, you tend to remember the bad things and when you feel happy you tend to remember more about happy things.
then i thought, it might be only my memories, hallucinations, and actually i didnt fail much.

but i do fail on few things. bcs i thought i didnt deserve it in the first place, bcs i didnt work hard enough for it, bcs i didnt put my focus on it, and bcs God didnt let me to for His own reason that only God understands.
so i keep believing, i keep on having a faith: that someday life will turn into really beautiful 'till i cant speak any single word to describe. someday, life will be that pretty.

December lately

Back to December. the last month of the year. the month when we say "omg i dont believe this year has gone this fast" most frequently. the month when we try hard to remember what happened in a year, and wishing things in the next year. maybe it doesnt work on other people, but at least it works that way on me.

in 2013 i dated the guy that had been there since i was in my first year in college and had an on-off relationship through the year, i volunteered as a committee in some events as i joined some organizations back in 2012, i stayed with IFL even i said for times i wouldnt be with them for the next year, i resigned from AI Magz (and now considering to get back with that job:")), i read MANY books and bought them and let myself became poor....., i did exercise more regularly than ever, i went to such great gigs saw my favorite bands, i launched an online store with my best friend (even i never thought i was this brave to do that such a thing), i applied to many things that i had to make many motivation letters, i had done my first 3 chapters of my final paper (!!!!!), i became a part in my Lecturer's research as a part of my final paper and did soooo many research-y works, etc, etc, etc.

but other than that, there were also some changes in 2013. in 2013, i found out that it is completely better to be alone than to be the ones who make you feel bad about yourselves, i found out that being with the ones that really love you and support you and know you well gives the best feelings no word can describe, i found out that having best friends is such a luxury thing and it may break but real best friends know how to get back, i found out that family is such a diamond and im more than lucky for having them around, i found out that i aint as discipline and determined as i used to but im working on it, i found out that the first step will always be the hardest, i found out that being such positive person needs extra effort but it's surely worth it, i found out that our duty is to control ourselves and treat people right while how other people treat us is none of our business nor the thing we should consider, i found out that we will make mistakes and screw up and fuck up and disappoint people but we don't fail we just have to figure out how to fix them, i found out that i only need to apologize when i do wrong not when things go wrong, i found out that forgiving people is really really freeing and need extra work to remember that we may also make mistakes (see the previous sentence), and most of all, i found out that Allah's help is near. i found out that the One that will never leave me no matter what, the One that will love me and only will give me the best, is Allah.

2013 has been a great year but its glory will be continue yet get bigger in the next year. amen.
Thank You, Allah for your blessings. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.

desember. my favorite month

i have plenty of ideas about what to write here. i miss blogging. digging back to the past moments i've tasted, felt again, and be strong again. i miss reading about the days i've passed. if you read my post since the very first time im here, you'll see how much i grow up. from the noisy and emotional girl turn into a person with more thoughts and fake smile but still, happy inside with bittersweet past and great friends.

i always adore how Allah gives me scenes of life. i always surprised of the His new directions. i always find lesson and reason beyond every mistakes, every ups and downs. i always wondering; who's the best guy on earth that He'll give to me. who'll i end up to be. what will my life would turn out in the end.

i really want a smart guy. a smart guy who knows about life, who passionately chase his degree on college, who really loves me, who passionately curious about life, the guys who can be a religiously living the life without being looked like so freak, he should be relax more than me, optimistic and positive thinker, he should be a very boyish and manly one, he should love soccer, a bit stubborn, but very gentle and caring, he should be thinking about future much and me inside that, he should be a man with big imagination about the globalization future and how he's living that way, he must understand how i adore john mayer and Sore, it's better if he loves indie and easy listening music too, would be nice if he can play basketball and guitar, he should be love reading and spending time on travelling and watching good movie. i want a family guy, who love his family and he should be independent, not spend much cash on something unnecessary, should not be tweeting much (i know), and we should meet on the right time at the right place in the right situation.
fuck. im crazy writing about this. but at least i know what i want and i dont wanna have any relationship unless it would be with that guy or.... i dont think it will last long.


i've been doing a new job, which is good. and what about your study? i almost forget im on medschool at this very moment. im listening to john mayer, looking at good pictures on website, writing a bit craps of my days, looking at the timeline in twitter, seeing how much people wine and moan this days. i havent been prepariing for the study-case tomorrow. i havent been writing work plan, or any of that. i just wanna lay in bed, doing nothing but writing, listening music, and doing all my favorite things i havent been done lately. i need more me-time. i really need that. or just those successful people have it less?

well, i actually never had a free weekend, each weekend, i need to go out, meet somebody else, and all. at some point, i was happy. but then i felt like i lost some kind of inner joy. i have time with my self less. i have time to think about my self less. i need to do some betterment but it wont happen unless i think about it and have my self loose. as i am doing now.




here comes again december. the month when i love to reflex back into the days before, the months before. yes, i need the change in my life. i need to re-state what i should become. im kinda lost nowadays. one thing i should be clear on: my number one priority is study. i should get the straight A for all classes, for all blocks, for all semester, till the end of my academic year. untill i get clinic rotation, i should get the best score for all. please Nin, please Allah, please... please let it be.
you should work harder Nin, Study harder Nin... get your sleeping time less, please read more, please pay much attention more, please be focus more, please please please....
and please dearest Allah, dont let me alone without Your guidance, please be close to me, please grant all my wishes, shape me into someone beautiful inside and out, let me have the inner peace to control any destructive things from outside.


and December... please be good:)