plateau state of happiness-or-not

i used to cry once in about 3 months (less or more) until dawn. i used to be extremely sad about something once in a while. im so much grateful i dont have to get through that thing anymore. but still, sometimes the absence of happiness makes the sadness slips in. well, we should be grateful and happy about simple things. while im only a beginner learner of that, let's learn to be happier each day :)

goodnight!

encouragement

firstly, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANNA!!<3

we never really had an awesome surprise for her, so we decided to make something sweet that she would really happy about. we bough minnie mouse stuffs and made a little sweet party (inspired by Raisa's birthday blast) with pinkish theme and cakes and all in a french-themed caffee. and sit turned out really pretty and she really loved it. so happyyyyyyyy:)

sayangnya, besok ana masih ujian so she decided to gohome and study while the rest (me, ririe, sandy) went to Ririe's home. and after a basic plain convo like others best friends had after a party, we were tired and starved. but then after few weird convo, sandy said, like:

"kamu kenapa e nin?" ok, some parts were missing due to respect for all of those people (including me) lol.
"kenapa e? nggak papa kok."
"nggak biasanyakamu gini."
"wahahhaha"  ririe ketawa2 aja. actually that missing line was the key of all those things but... i dont feel like writing it here.

"you know, now all people are in relationships, whether it makes them happy or not, whether the relationship goes well or not and all. and i've never been good at it. like, every girls turn into beautiful creatures after they went to some beauty clinics or went to doctors. im not that kind of girls with lots of cash to burn at those things while i know it's temporary. and those girls can pick the one they like to be with. they have a lot of options. while me, i dont think i have, i get trapped in a school with alot of things to study,  a lot of things to do, it's like. gah.... you know.. i think im not good enough."

"really? it's only about beauty?"

"you're pretty, Nin. compared to xxx (my ex-crush's girlfriend), you're way prettier. but sometimes things get complicated. like how boys feel tiny about your study. medical student.. geez."

"and any others. but well, you're loved. look, how many guys you'd dumped so far?"

"they came from high school, please.."

"you just didnt see. *him and him*, they might like you at certain points but they just didnt date you."

"but that's the point! why they didnt wanna date me?"

"oh come on.... even there's any good reason, it would never be about your appereance. you're fine. ok?"

"you're way overthinking, nin.."

"that's why i need to be with you guys to keep my sanity..."

"and you're kinda complicated if it's about relationship. admit it."

"but well, a whole good looking person isn't all about the pretty face, Nin. we've talked about this. it's about confidence."

"yaps, we've discussed it. like, how a girl can wear anything she liked without looked like a joke because she's simply confidence with herself. it's true and you know it."

"yes, i know.."

"plus, the suggestion. like how you said that girl is reaaaaaalllyyy pretty? and we just believed it, as you said it for thousand times. but you know, turned out she's not that pretty. i asked my boyfie and he said like : she's not that pretty. she's ok, she's fine, but that's it. and now i see her, like my boyfie sees her. she's fine and good but not as ultimately pretty as you always said. sometimes, you should stop praising others and start to praise yourself. it works, you know."

*the original convo used Bahasa Indonesia and Boso Jowo.*

that kind of conversation that i might never replace with any other thing. i love them to the moon and back i dont lie. i love you guys, Sandy&Ririe.

i hate to always talk about this, but i was a girl with such a great confidence. until some people felt like out-shined by me, and started to bully me. and i thought i was never be good. i read about the perfect figure of a human and i tried my best to be that person. and now i still feel like im not good enough. im not pretty enough.
and my convo with them was a whole lot longer than that. now i've committed my self to believe myself more, to love the person in the mirror most. to stop being envious about anything in anyone. bismillah:)

then we saw hitam putih nadya hutagalung and dian sastro edition. that wassss reallyyyyyyyyy good i wanna cry:") their thoughts were so strong, and what they've talked about was all about being in peace. they worked hard, stay pretty (but both still felt like they aint pretty ?!), stay positive and tried to spread more positiveness all around. aaah...... im so much inspired, and even if it sounds cheesy, but i really reallllllyyyyy love themmmmmm eversince!
i love the positive attitude and mind, their goals, and how they make a better life for themselves and others. aaa:)


we three saw eatbulaga's videos (the supperrrrr funnyyyy ones!) and laughed real hard, had little gossips and shared some captured memories from the days we hadn't met. after almost-three weeks of not meeting them, that day was an awesome one. i had a real quality time with them. im so blessed to have best friends like them. :)
and we also talked about Ririe's leaving in next two months.

"you know, im also sad about that. i mean, im all excited, but at the same time i'm afraid, im sad to leave those i love here, including you guys. bet there i would be kind of lonely without you guys." Ririe said.

despite of her new life in college, her busy schedule, her heavy assignments, i appreciate how she tried to always make time for us. i'm really really really gonna miss her..................................



and i just realized that im like the other girls. i have doubts and insecurities, but i also have the sisterhood that strengthens me and helps me to grow better.

alhamdulillah, Thank You, Allah for all of these blessings. alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah. :)

cheerish the moment!

*just done reading The Magic, worth to read!:)*

rainy days are coming

selamat merasakan hujan, Jogja!:-)

re-read my blog, it's been all about medical and lovey dovey, thingie. isn't it?
aku harus mulai lebih banyak bersyukur sama nilai-nilaiku yang sebenernya cukup baik melihat aku nggak se super itu nyiapin ujian-ujiannya. dan instead, aku harus lebih baik lagi nyiapin the next exams for the next blocks:D
daaaan.. soal cinta-cintaan ini... hehe aku sudah memutuskan untuk berhenti sedih-sedihan karena orang yang biarin kita drowning into sadness tanpa sekalipun ngankat kita ke kawasan bebas patah hati itu ... nggak segitu worth it nya. atau aku terlalu gampang menyerah ya?:)

anw, it's been such a great year. awalnya aku ngerasa bahwa taun ini aku belum ngapa-ngapain, dibandingkan taun lalu. taun lalu, name it: being medical student di universitas terbaik nasional, masuk IFL, kerja sebagai marketing online dan mimpin majalah online; it's like all the dreams come true. dan 2012, isinya kebanyakan cuma melanjutkan yang dulu-dulu.. great thing at first that become a daily routine makes it less glorious, isnt it?

dan selama taun ini, aku apply magang, apply exchange, coba daftarin cerpen-cerpen aku, tapi nggak ada yang lolos hiks.

but then i realized, this year i've achieved so much.
sudah bisa nyetir, sudah bisa masak, sudah punya banyak teman, sudah launch fiction frame, udah nggambar lagi, punya rutinitas olahraga 5 kali seminggu @ 20 menit, udah pernah ikut yoga, ikut tim basket angkatan kampus, udah masuk CIMSA, udah punya nilai memuaskan di akademis, udah sering naik bis kemana-mana, udah ke IYC!!!!!, udah ketemu alanda kariza dan citra natasya langsung, udah nonton float:"), udah ketemu famous fashion blogger langsung.

kurang apa, Nin?:)
alhamdulillah.......
and i just realized my teenage bucket list sudah mulai tercoret satu persatu...:)

terlebih semalem:')
udah lama banget pengen nonton band indie manggung. just to know how they perform. dan siangnya, secara nggak sengaja liat tweet dari radionya rama, kalo nanti malem bakal ada float manggung di Rock Opera cafe sagan. and i was.. so stoked out. aku tweet orang-orang in case ada yang mau nemenin nonton... tapi ternyata nggak ada feedback sampe sore. aku udah hopeless, temen-temen deket pada mau uts, nggak mungkin minta temenin mereka.. ada sih dua sobat aku dari IFL mau nonton, tapi tapi... maunya ada ceweknya juga..............
sampe nunu sms aku, bilang mau nonton float juga..... nggak kebayang senengnya!!!!:')
and last night... was one of the sweetest night ever. santai di cafe, duduk (itupun berkat kita dateng pagi dan mohon mohon sama mas-masnya untuk dicarikan kursi), ngobrol sama temen-temen deket tentang apa aja, lalu dengerin lagunya float yang... nggak usah ditanya enaknya itu.
i was in love again with that music:)
dan.... serunya lagi... i met this famous fashion blogger yang aku juga baru tau dari Nunu. i mean, she's different. dia sangat vintage .... setelah cek blognya... emang vintage banget in such a cute way!! seneng deh kalo dissa bisa jadi fashion bloggah juga, abis... mirip-mirip gitu style nya. sama-sama cantik lagii:)

i had such a good night, no doubt.

picture's taken by Rio S.

aku oranngya gampang banget pengen sesuatu, kadang suka sampe iri. tapi aku nyetop itu semua dengan ikut produktif.
aku suka banget gambar-gambar ilustrasi lucu, then i made it once or twice. suka liat foto cewek-cewek cantik, then i did some make up and took photos of it. suka liat cewek yang aktif, then i encouraged myself to be more active. dan seterusnya..:)
aku nggak tahan liat orang lain bisa tapi belum aku lakukan. rasanya kayak: if people can do that, you can do too, Niin! nggak lebih baik, mungkin, but just to prove myself bahwa aku pun juga bisa. it's kinda self pleasure, kebahagiaan yang saya bikin untuk diri saya sendiri.

setelah saya baca buku the power dari rhonda bynes, saya jadi lebih fokus sama menjadi bahagia along the days. aku sampe punya mantra baru

"to be good is to feel good"

kadang orang terlalu fokus sama to be good-nya, sampe mereka lupa dengan feeling good. terlalu banyak anxious dan confusion, yang akhirnya juga bikin outputnya nggak sebagus bayangan. sekarang, aku lebih fokus untuk bikin diri sendiri feel good, so the outcome would turn out good too. dan rasanya, memang lebih mudah merasa baik dulu daripada memikirkan to be good nya. 

we're young, pasti masih banyak semangat meletup-letupnya, energinya masih ful dan siap untuk menghadapi berbagai challange tentang transisi dunia muda dan dewasa. jadi, mumpung masih muda, kita harus menggunakan excessive energy itu untuk berbagai hal yang postif. membantu orang tua dan temen emang positif, tapi rasanya energi kita jauh lebih banyak dari itu kok. belum lagi kalo bisa berkontribusi, energinya bisa dikalilipatkan dan energi kita pun bertambah. jangan takut, karena aku membuktikan bahwa aku kehilangan banyak kesempatan karena terlalu takut melakukan banyak hal. jangan ikutin aku ya:) but still, be sensible of our feelings, kalo ngerasa nggak enak ya nggak perlu di jalani. we make our own story, make our own journey, our own path, our own glory. Tuhan punya jalan yang berbeda untuk masing-masing makhluk-Nya. make out the best of our years. 

kemarin, aku nangis karena baca cerita di Young on Top Campus Ambassador. bukan karena mengharukan, tapi karena kecewa sama diri sendiri. i feel like can achieve the same thing if i want it bad enough, if i work it hard enough, but i didn't. aku bener-bener malu karena aku nggak bisa, belum bisa memenuhinya satu persen pun. sedih.

sampai aku takut, takut kalo impianku itu nggak akan pernah tercapai.

tapi impian nggak segitu besarnya sampai itu near impossible kan?:)

lalu tangisanku diganti jadi tangisan penuh semangat-tapi-bingung-mulai-dari-mana. but it's a good feeling. it's a burned, spirited tears.

bismillah, kita bisa menggapai semua impian di langit itu.

tulisan ini juga dipersembahkan untuk film perahu kertas yang membantu aku mengingatkan tentang mimpi-mimpiku, yang bikin inget semua cerita sedih tentang cinta-cintaan (yang asli sedih sampe nangis-nangis dan terancam keinget sampe berhari-hari...) dan semua keindahan yang ada di film itu. 

terimakasih semua makhluk Tuhan yang sudah produktif menyebarkan energi dan semangat dalam bentuk (karya) apapun.