hello, midnight shadow!:)

hello midnight shadow.
i miss you.
you slipped in my dream last night and we talked like we used to. why didnt you see me when im awake?

i remember when i knew you at first time. you asked few things. you were another stranger i met at the certain time. i never expected that you could be one of those guys that i could really talk to. we told story about past and present, also nearly future. we talked about our anxiety and expectation. we talked about personal things even we'd known only for such a short amount of time. i felt like nothing to lose; you're shadow, you aint real, you're like my treasure box; you kept my things, my stories, even the darkest and the brightest one at that moment.

but no, we didnt talk that much, actually. we only have midnight; when i was awake, when you were coming. and you know what midnight does to human brain? it leads to our deepest thoughts. so i only talked about deep things, which for me was really really good (but maybe for you it's boring). i forgave you for being only a shadow, 'cause you're the only one i could talk to about that kind of things.

i remember when we talked about some kind of movies and i asked you about your favorite movie;that movie. when i only remembered about Kate Winslet plus her total red hair and the running-from-one-frame-to-another scenes,  you remembered about the whole things.
"i dont get that movie. what does that movie mean? why dont they go back together if the love's still there?" i remember that kind of question i asked to you. the investigative and specific and mind-fckin question that may annoy most of guys. because it's tooo stupid to be asked about.

"you know, that maybe, past is good but that destructing, it can hurt a person that much."
i didnt even expect you to answer that much of question in such beauty and brief words.
and i couldn't differ whether you talked about that movie or about yourself.

i remember when we talked about some good music and i asked you about your favorite music and you named an indie band that i rarely heard about. you named a specific band and a song. you told me why you loved that music. and i cant remember when was the last time i listened to that song and not remembering about you.

well actually it's not about what movie you've seen, not about what music you've listened. it's you that have a really specific answer for all my questions.

most of girls know what they really want. like a mascara from NYX, or a cheese cake around the city, or that light brown ankle boots, or a plain pink sweater that have a little detail on the neck. girls are that specific. but it doesnt work on average guys. guys are really specific on the things they specifically like. usually, it's not including naming a specific music and the movie they love. you surprised me once again.

i could put down my book right before exams when i was talking with you. talking with you brought me to my favorite scene on drama movies; to talk about anything with not-so-known guy. (and compared to exams preparation... well.)

and how you showed up when the sun was still high once in a while, i was really happy.

i remember how you said you were tired, but i knew you had your heart on your tribe. i predicted that now you lead them somehow, i could see how much you put your love on that tribe. and on your family. and on your closest guys. but not on yourself.

i always wanted to see you happy. you deserved that. for all the things you did to your tribe and your family. you deserved someone who could make your day a whole lot brighter
and i knew from the very first time that it wasnt me.
even it broke me to the pieces.

we lived in different kind of world. you were more comfortable living in your own world and i aint the one who wanted to move out. i knew that the time i had with you was only present; you wouldn't remember me as your past and absolutely wouldn't consider myself in your future.
fate is fate. fate will set us into a perfect timing and perfect place, if it wants us to be so.
but it didnt.

so you left and i let go.
i didnt believe in myself, i adored you that much i couldnt even see myself fail to make you happier.


"im glad you can stop yourself from falling for him. 'cause if you fall, i bet you fall so hard for him."

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spoiler for my upcoming writing project :)

a love letter for the past

i promised my self to write a blog post after i finished my exams. and i still didnt know what to write until a name kept knocking, a name from past.

im not easy to handle yet he had a gut to be with me. it's been few years since he sent me his first random text. at first i knew him as a smart and quiet guy in the class. he was my classmate for 3 years. we didnt really get along at that time, but he surprised me for times. he made me understand about some complicated physics and mathematics stuffs,  he could get into some silly or serious convo i had with my other friends, how he believed in me, how he supported me when i told him i wanna be a doctor when others may only laughed at that.

he always caught my attention. for times. he never failed. until i coulndt count on him. like when i crashed my car, when i was sick, when i went home late, when i was anxious about stupid things and all. he's busy with his own things and i just couldnt understand.

but despite that, i love little things about him. I love his firm hands, how he smiles, how he seemed careless but i know he actually more than just cared, how he listened to me without looking so much listening, how he looked at me once in a while when he drove his car, how he seemed shy about few things, how he didnt talk much when i asked soooo many questions, how he explained about his things which i didnt really understand, how he seemed really sure about his future, how he told about his achievement humbly, how he picked me up when it was rain so hard,
how his eyes looked brighter whenever he talked about his favorite things. and how so many other little things about him made me adore him more than before. i wish i had more time with him to be wasted.

we tried and we failed. for times. but the weird thing is, the more i met new guys, the more i remembered about him. how they cannot be compared to him.

we both are stubborn. we crashed.

i loved his gifts, i loved how he's been really thoughtful on giving me sweet things.
and i could never thank him enough.
whenever i feel bad about myself, i always run to him. i always wanted him to comfort me, he was good at that.

i wished we were helplessly in love that we couldnt let go of us. i wished we were more mature to understand the unspoken things. i wished we worked harder to be together. i wished i was better at relationship. i wished i was more patient. i wished i stayed longer. i wish i had more guts. i wished i wrote this earlier.


but you know, time passes by and season changes. things aren't like this and that anymore. some things were left broken to prevent any further wound.

and he may deserve the better one. :)

Maybe we can make it alright
We could make it better sometime
Maybe we can make it happen baby
We could keep trying but things will never change

So I dont look back
Still Im dying with every step I take
But I dont look back
Just a little little bit better

Good enough to waste some time

And it hurts with every heartbeat

Robyn - with every heartbeat

a love letter to IFL Yogya

is now listening to: http://8tracks.com/tangerinehearts/for-those-times-you-just-need-to-breathe

Some people said that im good on writing love letter. Love letter means a letter for the loved ones; family, friends, best friends, more-than-just-friend, etc. but I think I owe IFL a lot of things, I owe it a love letter. A love letter is simply a letter to express the love itself.

I started to curious about IFL since Iman Usman posted about it really often. It was just merely a curiosity. I knew iman usman from alanda kariza’s blog, and I knew alanda kariza from Ghiankr’s blog. I knew them around 2009. I loved them ever since. How they have achieved so much in such a young age inspired me a lot. I wanted to be like them.

Then I heard about IFL Yogya. As Said said (..?!) in our Facebook’s Group: liat deh archive IFL dulu. Semangatnya berkobar-kobar banget! And that was what I saw at that moment; a bunch of passionate youngsters who wanted to do more for the society. Dissa, my high school mate, joined it first by a close recruitment before they held an official open recruitment. She kinda gave me some info about it and supported me to join with her.

And it was  first time I ever applied to join a locally-scoped non-governmental organization. It was pretty scary at first. I saw my now-so-called colleague as those who had done much more than I had ever done. I barely knew them at first. But later.. they became such a warm family for me.

I applied for Public Relation. I love meeting new people. I love listening to people’s stories. And I believed that IFL would give me such a huge opportunity to meet great people ahead. And it was true. I had a solid team with mas Dias, mas Adit, Nunu, and… *put a sorry emote here ‘cs I forgot the name of my previous partner who later asked to di-bebas-tugaskan bcs of her school’s duty* (plus later with mba Tari). At first… I was intimidated. It’s only few people believe that I am an inferior, but I truly am an inferior. But they were really really nice. It was such a short period of time until I knew them better and got really close to ‘em.

Seminar Kewirausahaan dan Lomba Bussiness Plan was our first event. it was a huge success for me. We contacted local government, inspiring entrepreneurs and local schools. We worked hard to succeed this event without spending lots of money (which we obviously didn’t have). We made it in 3 districts; Sleman, Bantul and Kulon Progo.  It was… such a good time, I don’t lie J but then we got stuck into our awesome college life, and poof! Those spirits had gone for a while.

Some people come and go as the time goes  by; it also happened to us. Few people were missing during the duty, and then we agreed to do another open recruitment.  some people made it into the second oprec but not all of them made it last until this very second while the rest became our loveliest new family. :’D

Well in short, we trough few open recruitment until we’ve got this super lovely family.  And through the obstacles during these almost-two-years, we’ve successfully made some (what I will always say) awesome events. Name it: sumbang buku, seminar dan lomba business plan, Pekan untuk Panti, YOU+earTH, School of Volunteer (program nasional IFL),  the good meal project, IFLQuiz, dan yang ter-anyar adalah Youth Night. Belum lagi acara turun ke jalan untuk memperingati hari-hari besar tertentu.. nggak kerasa, we’ve done so much trough these 20 months. :”)

Kalo ditanya apa yang IFL berikan ke aku.. mungkin jawabannya bakalan sama kayak yang lain: pengalaman, temen-temen baru… tapi lebih dari itu, disini aku banyak banget belajar. I learn to grow, here. Disini temen-temen punya pikiran yang luas banget; we cant buy this one. Dengan lingkungan yang mendukung banget kayak gini, aku jadi lebih terpacu buat bekerja lebih baik dan berpikiran lebih terbuka. Mungkin aku salah satu dari anak yang lumayan kritis sampe kadang annoying he-he, but beyond it all, aku percaya bahwa sebenernya kita mampu kok untuk selalu berbuat lebih. And we proved it, for times.

Ditambah lagi otonomi yang diterapkan di organisasi ini; dimana kita Cuma dikasih tugas secara garis besar tapi beneran di bebasin untuk cara mencapainya. Hal ini bikin aku dan temen-temen satu divisi jadi lebih kreatif, team work kita pun jadi solid banget. Kita bisa bikin event-event secara dunia maya maupun face-to-face untuk achieve itu. Aku baru sadar baru-baru ini, bahwa IFL bener-bener menghargai kreativitas seseorang dan ngasih kepercayaan penuh pada team dan berimbas bagus banget buat kita sebagai ladang pembelajaran. Whoa, does it sound hyperbola?

Rapat PR seminggu sekali dan rapat besar IFL sebulan sekali; so far nggak ganggu jadwal kuliah. Or if it ever did, aku selalu ngutamain kampus dan temen-temen selalu memberi toleransi. There’s no such thing as being active without doing school properly. Buat orang-orang yang merasa bahwa aktif itu  berarti siap-siap akademis turun, hmm menurutku itu nggak bener as long as kita tau cara bagi waktu. Aku juga masih belajar, but so far, anak-anak IFL IPK nya bagus-bagus kok, semester satu masih ada aja yang sempurna, dan Alhamdulillah mine’s pretty much good too. Ada kalanya nilai-nilai itu ber-fluktuasi tapi aku yakin itu bukan karna occupied by IFL aja.

Satu hal juga yang berharga banget dari IFL adalah environtmentnya. Aku selalu suka waktu kumpul-kumpul IFL dimana kita brainstorm, berusaha nemuin masalah disociety tentang anak muda, berusaha cari jalan keluarnya, berusaha bikin sesuatu yang attractive buat anak-anak seumuran kita, berusaha bikin sebuah movement yang mungkin nggak massive, mungkin kecil, tapi apapun itu bentuknya harus menarik dan membawa perubahan, sekecil apapun itu. Secara nggak sadar juga, hal ini juga mengubah kita. bikin kitalebih sensitive sama issue sosial, sama sekitar, bin kita lebih toleransi, lebih kerja keras, kreatif, mandiri dan bertanggung jawab. Nggak ada sanksi apapun kalo kita nggak bekerja dengan baik di divisi kita masing-masing, tapi selalu ada rasa tanggung jawab dan keinginan untuk maju bareng IFL yang bikin aku personally (atau mungkin temen-temen lain juga) ngelakuin yang terbaik di pekerjaan-pekerjaan kita.

lingkungan ini hangat banget! Setelah capek brainstorm, bakalan ada sesi cerita-cerita dimana itu bisa diawalidari curhatan pribadi sampe ngomongin pararel universe. Adanya anak-anak dari SMA sampe berbagai jurusan di perkuliahan bikin ilmu-ku tambah banyak! Aku jadi tau hidupnya anak-anak jurusan lain, universitas lain, juga kehidupan orang-orang disekitar mereka  atau bahkan kehidupan mereka yang emang beda-beda banget. Atau karena memang aku suka dengan cerita-cerita orang lain ya? Tapi aku bener-bener bersyukur bisa kenal baik sama mereka dan tau banyak hal dari mereka. Their favorite things dari mulai girl band, berbagai band indie, gigs, radio announcer, debaters, healthy life style, film, books, dan banyak hal lainnya bikin pengetahuanku lebih luas lagi. and the funny thing is, fakta bahwa kita bisa saling terkait, as Jogja seemed really small.

And I ended this leter by saying this to you: that IFL is not merely a non-governmental organization. It’s more like a home for a warm family which teaches us about life, gives us freedom to grow, helps us find not only an identity but also idealism,  supports us to achieve our dreams and goals; the best company during the sunny and rainy days.

You dont ask for new friends, new opportunities, and all are nationally-scoped; you will get those all in time. But the joy and the happiness, the good time we spend during the hard work for the better society..would be beyond our –or even my, expectation.

a letter to my best friend

i've been thinking of saying my gratitude to this friend, i even had said it. but i don't think he really understand how much i'm thankful of having him. so instead, i make this letter. i wanna make it more personal by give it directly to him but i don't think i could. i wish this doesn't sound like a creepy and cranky love letter.

dear you.

for the fights we had, for the stupid convos we usually had, for the foolish imagination of our life in our minds; thank you. i can be me when im with you. i can tell you anything, literally anything. we talked about shits, and we laughed. i never knew that they're really fun until we didn't do it any longer.

it's wonderful how you seemed not listening my story but then came out with a resume plus any comments. i was surprised for times. it's really sweet how you encouraged to do the things i slightly thought but never brave enough to do. you always told me to not be afraid, to be sure at anything i do; which i rarely do. you told me to have a fully consciousness in anything i do, not just merely do. thank you. thank you. thank you.

one thing that i always afraid to do was writing. until you came out with that silly idea "read your tweets make me think that you could be the next mario teguh...." then i remember i laughed hard.
i ever thought about it, dumb-ass. but never thought about it any longer. i thought, i may write, but ten years later. when i have kids, got nothing to do in the saturday afternoon...
then you echoed again.
"come on, just write. you're gonna be a good writer." not only for once, but for times i fail to count.
thank you. for this, i would ever never thank you enough. i made fictionframe.tumblr.com to publish the stories i've been written. and i felt really shame but then brave enough to share it on twitter. i take my patience to wait the bravery comes to me to make me publish it on facebook so it will sound louder.
thank you. thank you. thank you. thank you for zillion times.

i never told you my love story until i felt secured enough. when i did it, you just laughed, played with your cellphone, then i forgot that i ever told you that kind of stuffs. until someday i talked about another story and you said how much i felt bad for my previous lovey-devey thingie. how it makes me stuck and got me nowhere. how it makes me afraid to start anything new. then you encourage me to let myself brave enough to let anyone come in, just to make sure i don't miss anyone good. then i let person(s) came in then i broke my heart, dont you know? it doesn't feel good.. but thank you, to let me feel that bitter sweet feelings again. well, it's exactly like how a coffee tastes; bitter, sweet, yet awakening.

we talked about boys and girls in general, for times. i told ya to be a good guy, and you told me to be pretty, inside and out. told me about how much pretty girls don't care about their outer look and not-so-pretty girls go too much. you told me to not be so much careless for what's inside and outside myself, then told me to not get too much because it's irritating. i kept silent but i do what you said. thank you again.

i didn't believe in myself, so much (actually). i have a mask i use for my daily life so i could fake my confidence, so sometimes i could really feel confident while at the other moment i really don't have any. you told me i'm pretty, you told me im smart, you told me im good and fun. yet our friendship is too good to be broken by the lovey dovey thingie you said when i asked you why we aint dating if im that good, right? maybe it's a little thing to you, maybe it's been a total big fat lie you told me, but it really works on me. i'm starting to believe in myself even better. not much male-friends i've got told me so. you even said it not only once. thank you for ensuring me. i started to believe in my self. thank you.

you told me i less explored myself in my college life, i ignored that thought at first. told ya i joined activities outside school much. then you said again, that i still need to mingle to my college friends. then i ignored you again. but then i realized, it's true. then i started to think about what i can contribute to my campus.  it's not gonna be true if it's not you telling me that kind of thing. thank you. thank you.

i'm really embarrassed when i thought about how you read those words but i can't help myself writing that kind of stuff. hhhh....

some people grow together, some grow apart. i don't mind not being your closest best friend anymore, as long as we can be together in good and in bad. or if it's still not possible, let's be casual friend who talked via chat and twitter.
or at least let's share a smile when we meet?

lols. you probably questioning how could i be this mellow writing a letter to you. i'm this kind of person if it's about my personal stuffs. plus im listening to adhitya sofyan's newest album with the cloudy sky ahead. and we barely talk nowadays, aint we?:p

i hope this is enough to express my gratitude to you my dearest friend. you're good, you should find one good person too, to stop you for chasing those random fun again; to finally let you feel the enthusiasm just because you have her is enough. then you can be more focused on yourself.


have a nice day! thank you for reading this stupid letter. terimakasih!!:D