a love letter for the past

i promised my self to write a blog post after i finished my exams. and i still didnt know what to write until a name kept knocking, a name from past.

im not easy to handle yet he had a gut to be with me. it's been few years since he sent me his first random text. at first i knew him as a smart and quiet guy in the class. he was my classmate for 3 years. we didnt really get along at that time, but he surprised me for times. he made me understand about some complicated physics and mathematics stuffs,  he could get into some silly or serious convo i had with my other friends, how he believed in me, how he supported me when i told him i wanna be a doctor when others may only laughed at that.

he always caught my attention. for times. he never failed. until i coulndt count on him. like when i crashed my car, when i was sick, when i went home late, when i was anxious about stupid things and all. he's busy with his own things and i just couldnt understand.

but despite that, i love little things about him. I love his firm hands, how he smiles, how he seemed careless but i know he actually more than just cared, how he listened to me without looking so much listening, how he looked at me once in a while when he drove his car, how he seemed shy about few things, how he didnt talk much when i asked soooo many questions, how he explained about his things which i didnt really understand, how he seemed really sure about his future, how he told about his achievement humbly, how he picked me up when it was rain so hard,
how his eyes looked brighter whenever he talked about his favorite things. and how so many other little things about him made me adore him more than before. i wish i had more time with him to be wasted.

we tried and we failed. for times. but the weird thing is, the more i met new guys, the more i remembered about him. how they cannot be compared to him.

we both are stubborn. we crashed.

i loved his gifts, i loved how he's been really thoughtful on giving me sweet things.
and i could never thank him enough.
whenever i feel bad about myself, i always run to him. i always wanted him to comfort me, he was good at that.

i wished we were helplessly in love that we couldnt let go of us. i wished we were more mature to understand the unspoken things. i wished we worked harder to be together. i wished i was better at relationship. i wished i was more patient. i wished i stayed longer. i wish i had more guts. i wished i wrote this earlier.


but you know, time passes by and season changes. things aren't like this and that anymore. some things were left broken to prevent any further wound.

and he may deserve the better one. :)

Maybe we can make it alright
We could make it better sometime
Maybe we can make it happen baby
We could keep trying but things will never change

So I dont look back
Still Im dying with every step I take
But I dont look back
Just a little little bit better

Good enough to waste some time

And it hurts with every heartbeat

Robyn - with every heartbeat