aku tidak sendiri

waktu aku nulis ini, mungkin rasanya sudah nggak sehancur sebelumnya. mungkin perasaanku sudah jauh lebih baik dari pertama kali, cuma aku masih belum bisa menyembuhkan diri.

aku terbiasa dengan orang lain yang membantu, atau sekedar menemani. teman. i would never trade a friend with anything, anyone else. mungkin mereka, teman2ku semua, nggak ada yang sadar, cuma aku sayang sekali sama mereka dan i literally would do anything to them.

sampai suatu ketika aku sedih se sedih-sedihnya karna suatu hal.

dan aku sudah bilang, kan, bahwa kehidupan kuliah itu individual? kalo aku bilang gini, mungkin nggak semua orang mau bilang iya. tapi kalo salah satu orang kena sesuatu, pertolongan yang diberikan nggak sehebat kayak yang aku rasain ketika SMA. aku pun juga gitu, nggak bisa nolong sebaik ketika aku sama temen-temen di SMA. selalu merasa kalau orang lain bisa handle masalahnya sendiri.

padahal ternyata, tidak.

dan ketika aku down banget, aku nyari orang-orang yang menurutku bisa membantu. tapi hasilnya hampir nihil:)

few finally asked me out, texted me regularly to make sure i'm ok or just bbm-ed, and the rest don't know what's going on. which one are you?:)

i was so sad that i cried at night for times.

and there was a thing that made the sadness came as big as twice.

:)

remuk banget dan aku nggak tau saat itu, how could i survive. aku cuma bisa nangis sehabis sholat sambil meremas rukuh. rasanya sakit yang didalem pengen banget aku keluarin. lalu aku tau kenapa orang-orang mencoba melukai dirinya sendiri ketika sedih.

i might got depression.

i'm afraid i was.

sebenernya hal kecil. hanya saja, aku nggak terbiasa sendiri. aku nggak terbiasa memotivasi diri sendiri. aku nggak pernah percaya sama diriku, sepenuhnya. aku terbiasa membuat orang lain percaya sama aku, and make them convince me about myself.

salah besar.

nggak selamanya orang lain akan terus disana.

nggak selamanya orang akan bikin kita bahagia. iya, walaupun selama ini orang (jamak, maupun tunggal) tersebut adalah sumber semangat kita.

i tried to get close to Allah. i seemed close to Allah until i found my self lost. i missed His guidance, i missed His thoughts that i read trough things i saw.

i tried to make myself found Him in my life. for once more.

and that was my turning point.

i saw my parents living a really simple life: do what you gotta do, do the best you can do, and be happy with all you've got in the end.

my family isn't a super rich, super brainy, super successful. but my family isn't poor either. we life with simplicity and peace. and i learn to be more like family, from now on.

i don't hate people. i just realized that we can't count on people.

even we CAN be 24/7 to be the helper, doesn't mean it works on other people.

and i asked my mom:

"enak kali ya mah, punya pacar. mau nggak mau dia harus ada"

and she told me:

"lah iya, udah sana cari."

and i laughed.

seneng kali ya, punya pacar, ada yang merhatiin 24/7 dan mereka wajib jadi supporting person numero uno.

tapi jadi sendiri itu artinya harus sekuat orang-orang yang punya pacar. if a couple have one strength and they divide it into 2 for each person then each person has half, while i have a complete one strength. it's all from God and i will give back to God:)

setiap taun, aku punya siklus ini. sejak kapan? sejak aku di bully waktu sd, dan smp, dan sma. i lost my confidence, entah kemana. aku selalu puas dengan yang pas-pasan karna saya rasa i don't deserve any better.bukannya aku mau ngungkit-ngungkit itu lagi, tapi efeknya masih sampai sekarang:)

that's why i didn't wanna be alone. kayak gini sebenernya:)

even i made friends with them--orang-orang yang dulu nggak suka sama aku, tapi tetep aja...:)

wajar sih, kalo nggak semua orang suka sama kita. tapi kalo orang nggak suka sama aku, sukanya frontal sih..:p

tapi harusnya, aku belajar kan, untuk lebih kuat? di sujud terakhirku aku sering berdoa untuk bisa dapet kepercayaan diri lagi, i literally do that, kalau aku nggak lupa. atau kalau lupa, aku doa setelah shalat, kalau nggak sedang keburu-buru. i really need that.

aku capek mentally butuh orang lain and they failed to be there. rasanya sedih yang satu, jadi dikaliduakan. i'm really exhausted. i'm beyond dissapointed, but people have their priorities, which i can't make myself as their first, or second:)

and it's normal. i'm the one who should get used to it:)

terimakasih Allah, for being there, for stregthen me, for giving me another chance to be a better person. thanks for this perfect family. thanks for the love you give for me. for the love that i have. for the super endurance i thought i didn't have:)

thank You. i can't say any word to express how grateful i am:)

ya Allah, kuatkan aku. sabarkan aku. berilah aku petunjukmu.

semoga ikhlas bukan berarti berhenti berusaha sekuat tenaga. amin:)

“Life is painful and messed up. It gets complicated at the worst of times, and sometimes you have no idea where to go or what to do. Lots of times people just let themselves get lost, dropping into a wide open, huge abyss. But that’s why we have to keep trying. We have to push through all that hurts us, work past all our memories that are haunting us. Sometimes the things that hurt us are the things that make us strongest. A life without experience, in my opinion, is no life at all. And that’s why I tell everyone that, even when it hurts, never stop yourself from living.”

—	Alysha Speer and, medical is the reason why i keep going:)

“That moment when you’re studying and you just feel so tired that you want nothing more than to go to sleep, but then you realize that what you learn now, might save someones life in the future. And that’s what keeps you going.”

—

Vinny S.