well.

Smart girls are the overthinkers, the insecure ones, the different ones. They know what the real 

world is like. They analyze every little thing in life. Why? To avoid getting hurt. To find happiness. 

They stay up at night trying to think about every possible situation to get through all the problems. 

They think too much. They trust fewer people. Their insecurity proves their respect toward 

themselves. Of course they try to live away from a drama-filled life. Smart girls know their worth. 

Now those are the ones worth keeping by your side.

many things happens but none to write

i think the tittle says it all. i dont feel any kind of emotion lately.i have plans, plenty of it, and im working on it. that's where my heart is. not on people, not on situation, not on past, nor on future. im doing what's im looking at.

liar.

i obviously have many things in my mind but i dont wanna destruct anything right now. i wanna be peaceful at the moment. i dont think anything that makes me worry. well i think about it but i always try to get rid of it.

it's near December, my other favorite month! :)

hello, midnight shadow!:)

hello midnight shadow.
i miss you.
you slipped in my dream last night and we talked like we used to. why didnt you see me when im awake?

i remember when i knew you at first time. you asked few things. you were another stranger i met at the certain time. i never expected that you could be one of those guys that i could really talk to. we told story about past and present, also nearly future. we talked about our anxiety and expectation. we talked about personal things even we'd known only for such a short amount of time. i felt like nothing to lose; you're shadow, you aint real, you're like my treasure box; you kept my things, my stories, even the darkest and the brightest one at that moment.

but no, we didnt talk that much, actually. we only have midnight; when i was awake, when you were coming. and you know what midnight does to human brain? it leads to our deepest thoughts. so i only talked about deep things, which for me was really really good (but maybe for you it's boring). i forgave you for being only a shadow, 'cause you're the only one i could talk to about that kind of things.

i remember when we talked about some kind of movies and i asked you about your favorite movie;that movie. when i only remembered about Kate Winslet plus her total red hair and the running-from-one-frame-to-another scenes,  you remembered about the whole things.
"i dont get that movie. what does that movie mean? why dont they go back together if the love's still there?" i remember that kind of question i asked to you. the investigative and specific and mind-fckin question that may annoy most of guys. because it's tooo stupid to be asked about.

"you know, that maybe, past is good but that destructing, it can hurt a person that much."
i didnt even expect you to answer that much of question in such beauty and brief words.
and i couldn't differ whether you talked about that movie or about yourself.

i remember when we talked about some good music and i asked you about your favorite music and you named an indie band that i rarely heard about. you named a specific band and a song. you told me why you loved that music. and i cant remember when was the last time i listened to that song and not remembering about you.

well actually it's not about what movie you've seen, not about what music you've listened. it's you that have a really specific answer for all my questions.

most of girls know what they really want. like a mascara from NYX, or a cheese cake around the city, or that light brown ankle boots, or a plain pink sweater that have a little detail on the neck. girls are that specific. but it doesnt work on average guys. guys are really specific on the things they specifically like. usually, it's not including naming a specific music and the movie they love. you surprised me once again.

i could put down my book right before exams when i was talking with you. talking with you brought me to my favorite scene on drama movies; to talk about anything with not-so-known guy. (and compared to exams preparation... well.)

and how you showed up when the sun was still high once in a while, i was really happy.

i remember how you said you were tired, but i knew you had your heart on your tribe. i predicted that now you lead them somehow, i could see how much you put your love on that tribe. and on your family. and on your closest guys. but not on yourself.

i always wanted to see you happy. you deserved that. for all the things you did to your tribe and your family. you deserved someone who could make your day a whole lot brighter
and i knew from the very first time that it wasnt me.
even it broke me to the pieces.

we lived in different kind of world. you were more comfortable living in your own world and i aint the one who wanted to move out. i knew that the time i had with you was only present; you wouldn't remember me as your past and absolutely wouldn't consider myself in your future.
fate is fate. fate will set us into a perfect timing and perfect place, if it wants us to be so.
but it didnt.

so you left and i let go.
i didnt believe in myself, i adored you that much i couldnt even see myself fail to make you happier.


"im glad you can stop yourself from falling for him. 'cause if you fall, i bet you fall so hard for him."

----------------------------------------

spoiler for my upcoming writing project :)

a love letter for the past

i promised my self to write a blog post after i finished my exams. and i still didnt know what to write until a name kept knocking, a name from past.

im not easy to handle yet he had a gut to be with me. it's been few years since he sent me his first random text. at first i knew him as a smart and quiet guy in the class. he was my classmate for 3 years. we didnt really get along at that time, but he surprised me for times. he made me understand about some complicated physics and mathematics stuffs,  he could get into some silly or serious convo i had with my other friends, how he believed in me, how he supported me when i told him i wanna be a doctor when others may only laughed at that.

he always caught my attention. for times. he never failed. until i coulndt count on him. like when i crashed my car, when i was sick, when i went home late, when i was anxious about stupid things and all. he's busy with his own things and i just couldnt understand.

but despite that, i love little things about him. I love his firm hands, how he smiles, how he seemed careless but i know he actually more than just cared, how he listened to me without looking so much listening, how he looked at me once in a while when he drove his car, how he seemed shy about few things, how he didnt talk much when i asked soooo many questions, how he explained about his things which i didnt really understand, how he seemed really sure about his future, how he told about his achievement humbly, how he picked me up when it was rain so hard,
how his eyes looked brighter whenever he talked about his favorite things. and how so many other little things about him made me adore him more than before. i wish i had more time with him to be wasted.

we tried and we failed. for times. but the weird thing is, the more i met new guys, the more i remembered about him. how they cannot be compared to him.

we both are stubborn. we crashed.

i loved his gifts, i loved how he's been really thoughtful on giving me sweet things.
and i could never thank him enough.
whenever i feel bad about myself, i always run to him. i always wanted him to comfort me, he was good at that.

i wished we were helplessly in love that we couldnt let go of us. i wished we were more mature to understand the unspoken things. i wished we worked harder to be together. i wished i was better at relationship. i wished i was more patient. i wished i stayed longer. i wish i had more guts. i wished i wrote this earlier.


but you know, time passes by and season changes. things aren't like this and that anymore. some things were left broken to prevent any further wound.

and he may deserve the better one. :)

Maybe we can make it alright
We could make it better sometime
Maybe we can make it happen baby
We could keep trying but things will never change

So I dont look back
Still Im dying with every step I take
But I dont look back
Just a little little bit better

Good enough to waste some time

And it hurts with every heartbeat

Robyn - with every heartbeat

being healthy inside & outside

last week, when i was studying for make-up test, i had suffered from major migraine and gastritis. i even broke my fasting in the noon once bcs i couldnt stand the pain. after i got better, i got major dysmenorrhea like i always had each month. dysmenorrhea for me would last for 3-4 days (yes, that cramping pain around your hip). plus my gastritis came again. so when i was doing my test, my stomach was aching and around my hip was cramping. idk how i got through that test, but alhamdulillah :)

and the next week (this week) my parents got heavy flu. my mom couldnt get up from bed for 2 days and my daddy slept more than usual. as there are only three of us living in this house, i took care of them and the house. and soon, i also got fever. 

i get sick easily. that's why i regularly exercise and try to be more thoughtful about what i eat. and these past 2 months i didnt really do that. i mean, i've become lazier to do exercise, to eat more fruits, to drink more mineral water, and to cut un-healthy food as much as i can. and these past 2 months i had 5 or 6 times of sick period. i am that easy to get sick. 

promise myself to get back to my track, to eat healthily, to do more exercise, to feed my thoughts with good things, to feel better and happier about myself. 

i choose to invest my future health since this very moment. this is a commitment i should always remember. 

plateau state of happiness-or-not

i used to cry once in about 3 months (less or more) until dawn. i used to be extremely sad about something once in a while. im so much grateful i dont have to get through that thing anymore. but still, sometimes the absence of happiness makes the sadness slips in. well, we should be grateful and happy about simple things. while im only a beginner learner of that, let's learn to be happier each day :)

goodnight!

meet you again, Ramadhan 2013

Marhaban ya Ramadhan!

alhamdulillah, bisa ketemu bulan Ramadhan lagi tahun ini. alhamdulillah, keluarga masih lengkap bahkan nambah mba fitri dan calon ponakan. alhamdulillah, walaupun sodara nggak ada yang dirumah lagi, tapi masih bisa saur dan buka sama bapak ibu. :)

Ramadhan last year, i got OSCE all in my mind. alhamdulillah, i passed it well =]

and now, my mind's occupied by how medschool took me for these past 2 years. the first year, i focused on myself,  rarely got along with my campus mates. i focused on aimagz, IFL, and my closest best friends. but a friend of mine challenged me: to be more active in campus. so i threw myself to the things i didn't involve before. i joined some organizations and some events as a committee. i knew more people better. i know people's name, people started to recognize me more.

but actually i didnt feel happier. :)

 

my mind's like a full cup of water. with a little shake, it moves hard. i thought my mind had moved so hard this past year. sometimes i forgot what i like, what i really want, what i wanna become and all. i become less focus on myself, i started to lose my self and my connection to God.

my grades are like a downfall in this year. used to get As but now i didnt get any of it. i know, this is me having not-so-good priority management all along. but actually, despite of the sadness after i got those scores, i felt really really thankful cs i never had less than B. i really really mean it. Allah is So Much Kind that He never let me be 'that' sad of my grades. alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah. He's Sooooooo Good:"") well, i didnt study as much, as hard, as i did last year, i know this is me that didnt adapt so far. compared to my other college mates, maybe im left behind, but at least i did what i wanted to do; challenged my self to be more active in campus. now it turns out that i didnt like it much, those weren't as good as i thought. well at least, now i know:) i hope all's getting better next academic year. bismillah:)

i see so manyyyyyyyyyy ambitious people here in my campus. at first it looked challenging and fun. but the more i see, the more i feel not-so-good about them. learnt from my daddy, he got doctoral study but never really intended to be a professor. but i see him as a real engineer. he knows how to fix things, he thinks about most of the things with physics law, or any other scientific proof. i still see him as a great engineer with brain. in other hand, i often see people here, pursuing the things that they may not like. im really really excited to hear the lectures from the ones who are really passionates about the topic they bring, but that's not so often. i even had heard of my skills lab tutor said: "obsgyn is a complex thing, it's hard, you take care of two souls in a body. it's so much risky. hhh... what did i thought when i was taking this?" 

i wish i'll take speciality, or any kind of further study, just because i like it much, not because society says it's great, it's good, or it's fine, not because society says i'm capable of that. 

medschool  requires a lot of extra works, less ego, more tolerant, and most of the time it's art. the art to help the doctors decide what to do, what to prescribe, what to say, to the patient, 'cause medicine is still a cloudy one to be fully discovered. 

i meant it when i said i thought so much about quitting this school, but i couldnt imagine better place than medschool. sigh.

so thankyou, Medschool. for taking me to the place i've never been before, like, cranium, brain nerves, muscles, heart, liver, or even to the place like the drugs between its good and its toxicity, and to the place like law and communication we never thought we needed it. thankyou for the amazing experience, which pushed me to my almost-limit, to prove me that i actually could do the things that i really wanted to do. thank you.

and hello, Ramadhan. semoga Ramadhan taun ini bisa lebih baik ibadahnya, juga lebih khusyu' tanpa sering2 banget buber yang bikin nggak tarawih di masjid itu hehe. amiin:)

5 things to be grateful about yesterday:

1. got not-so-good grade but it's tolerable. despite of my laziness, it's such a good. thank You Allah:)

2. sahoor and iftar with my parents. !!!!:)

3. panen banyak buah dari kebun = bikin sup buah home made and it's organic one!

4. sedikit2 ibadah bisa di tingkatkan:D

5. supportive friendssssssss!!!!!!! got sooo many of 'em :)

alhamdulillah alhamdulillah alhamdulillah..