the roller coaster of feelings

days have passed, it's been almost 4 days straight.

and it's almost 4 weeks straight.

sejak isi otak dipenuhi sama segala bentuk kata cinta dan konotasinya.

aku berusaha untuk nggak menyalahkan lingkungan yang sangat amat penuh dengan cinta-cintaan, tapi nggak bisa dipungkiri, itu jadi salah satu alasan kenapa aku akhirnya mau mencoba buka... hati.. untuk.. seseorang.

orang yang... dulunya, seharusnya, dan ngakunya (dan emang bener sih, kadang) selalu berusaha untuk bikin aku seneng, selalu berusaha jadi my number one supportive person. 

dan emang menyenangkan, punya orang yang bisa dengerin cerita, bisa jadi pukpuk person tiap sedih, dan ... seharusnya jadi orang yang selalu ada ketika di butuhkan.

seharusnya?

karena dia memang nggak selalu ada ketika dibutuhkan, so far belum pernah muncul waktu aku bener-bener butuh orang lain.

it's been months, i havent been had an issue about this stuffs.

 selama ini, selalu duniaku dan aku, di pikiranku.

until the idea of having someone to share my happiness knocked down my thought.

otak yang biasanya diisi dengan target to achieve pada jangka waktu tertentu jadi diganti oleh kalender perkembangan hubungan. kayak bayi yang berusaha merangkak, satu-satu hal baru terjadi, dan pelan-pelan ada yang berubah... sampai fasenya jadi stagnan lagi. sampai cewek yang biasanya di buku cerita klasik jadi pihak yang dimanja dan di kejar ini... bingung. 

masa iya, orang suka tp gk ingin sering ada waktu dibutuhin?

and after 2 years of chasing.. so called chasing me.. masa segini aja? masa dengan pintu yang udah dibuka lebar-lebar.. gini aja nih?

sama aja kayak anak smp yang deketin temennya beda sekolah.

dan disini aku nggak berusaha mengecilkan arti orang itu; he's a real smart, active, kind, good looking and all. im kinda amazed of what he has achieved so far.

he's the criteria you need an ideal boyfriend, maybe.

tapi sejauh ini, belum liat sampai mana perasaan itu ditujukan ke aku.

dan aku capek nunggu. capek... this isnt the first cycle.

it's been 2 years;  i like the idea of you being really nice to me.. then you nice tome.. then... nothing happened. and all over again.

dan orang-orang yang selalu ada, selalu mencekoki dengan hal-hal berbau cinta, coba perhatikan.

kalau biasanya aku bikin rajutan hari dengan benangku sendiri, dan aku mencoba memasukkan benang orang lain di rajutan itu, lalu ternyata seiring berjalannya waktu, rajutan dari benang orang lain itu rusak, atau bahkan habis.... apa yang harus aku lakukan dengan rajutanku?

sekarang aku merasakannya. not only talking about 'that' guy. ini juga tentang janji-janji, omongan-omongan santai pria-pria lawan jenis yang berusaha mencari perhatian gender wanita dengan kata-katanya... yang akhirnya dipercayai oleh wanitanya... dan akhirnya pria-pria itu tidak bisa mempertanggungkan apapun yang terjadi dengan rajutan rusak, dengan rajutan berlubang, atau bahkan merusak hasil rajutan itu sama sekali.

"dont say you love me unless you mean it, because i might be doing something crazy like believe in it"

ini juga mungkin tentang aku dan ketakutanku yang terlalu banyak.. dengan keenggananku untuk melakukan penyesuaian lebih banyak, aku yang apatis terhadap perbedaan yang harusnya bisa jadi hal yang menarik dan tidak membosankan.

tapi aku lelah membuat jembatan.

aku ingin dibuatkan jembatan dan hanya tinggal berjalan santai sambil melihat pemandangan sepanjang perjalanan.

bisa?

:)

aku ingin bisa berbicara tentang apa saja, dimengerti akan kebanyakan hal, dan mendengarkan cerita menarik akan hidup seseorang. aku ingin dilindungi, ditemani dan di hibur. 

not merely a bucket list of a perfect boyfriend.

aku masih se-egois ini, aku masih se-fragile ini, aku masih se-penakut ini. siapa lagi yang masih mau memaksakan aku untuk dekat-dekat sama asal laki? 

siapa yang masih mau tanya kenapa aku masih single?

udah kelamaan sedih dan mikir. hari ini mau mencukupkan semua. this is going to be the one of the most honest blogpost this year, but.. this is the only way im gonna survive. too much thought in the pool of my brain..



p.s: or this might be not about feelings, it's more about the... destiny.

artsy mind, come back to me.

here is. the holiday is finally coming to me. after that clinical exams (which was not so perfect but i'm glad it's over plus my weeks of preparation had ended.), i finally can breath the fresh air!

eid mubarak people! i'm sorry for all mistakes i made, and i wish you guys have a wonderful holiday with family:-)

in this free time i'd rather to have some reunions with my old friends, meet some relatives and browsing some artsy stuffs. i opened my deviantart, browse some good photographs, i tumblred each day-night, i watched movies online on youtube and mysoju. oh God, how lovely my life is.
if only this holiday can last longer. sigh.

but that's the thing. this super shortholiday really motivates me to use the time wisely. i've packed my days to do my 2 (or i can say 3?) projects. i really really hope it will be finished on time. i really hope my holiday can be that productive.

well, anyway, even it's not finished, i'm really happy to spend my holiday reading, listening to music, browsing some pretty arts, watching cute movies.. well, i'm happy.:)

this :_)

Al-Quran (Kalam Allah)

1) WE ALWAYS ASK:	Why was I TESTED?
AL-QURAN ANSWERS:	"Do men think that they will be left alone saying,'We believe', and that they will not be tested? We did test those before them, and Allah will certainly know those who are true from those who are false." [29:2-3]
2) WE ALWAYS ASK:	Why I never get what I wanted?
AL-QURAN ANSWERS:	" It is possible that you dislike a thing which is good for you, and that you love a thing, which is bad for you. But Allah knows, while you know not." Surah Al-Baqarah [2:216]
3) WE ALWAYS ASK:	Why was I burdened this way?
AL-QURAN ANSWERS:	"Allah does not place a burden to a soul greater than it can bear. It gets every good that it earns, and it suffers every ill that it earns." Surah Al-Baqarah [2:286]& " So verily, with every difficulty there is relief: (repeated) Verily, with every difficulty there is relief." Surah Al-Insyirah [94:5-6]
4) WE ALWAYS ASK:	Why am I losing hope?
AL-QURAN ANSWERS:	"So lose not heart, nor fall into despair: For you will be superior if you are true in Faith." Surah Al-Imran [3:139]
5) WE ALWAYS ASK:	How can I face it?
AL-QURAN ANSWERS:	" O you who believed! Persevere in patience and constancy; vie in such perseverance; strengthen each other; and fear Allah that you may prosper." Surah Al-Imran[3:200] & "And seek(Allah's) help with patient, perseverance and prayer: It is indeed hard, except to those who bring a humbly submissive (to Allah)." Surah Al-Baqarah [2:45]
6) WE ALWAYS ASK:	What do I get from all these?
AL-QURAN ANSWERS:	"Indeed, Allah has purchased from the believers their lives and properties (in exchange) for that they will have the garden (of Paradise)..." Surah At-Taubah [9:111]
7) WE ALWAYS ASK:	To whom could I depend?
AL-QURAN ANSWERS:	"(Allah) suffice me: there is no god but He: On Him is my trust- He the Lord of the Throne (of Glory) Supreme." Surah At-Taaubah [9:129]
8) WE ALWAYS ASK:	But I can't take it anymore!
AL-QURAN ANSWERS:	"...and never give up hope of Allah's Soothing Mercy; truly No one despairs of Allah's Soothing Mercy. except Those who have no faith." Surah Yusuf [9:87]& "Despairs not of the Mercy of Allah: for Allah forgives All sins for He is Often- Forgiving, Most Merciful." Surah Az-Zumar [39:53]

Mengukuhkan komitmen

Ini bukan hal yang mudah untuk saya. Sampai saya menuliskan blogpost ini, saya masih belum 100 persen yakin. Ini kah yang terbaik?

Mulai dari awal tahun pertama. Dengan segala excitement saya tentang sekolah kedokteran ini. I was totally focused on study as I was in 3^rd year. I've got perfect GPA for few blocks. lalu saya memutuskan untuk menomerduakan akademis,bcs i was simply bored and got distant with my lovely ones. Sampai saya ketagihan lagi sama art, projects, dan lainnya. Saya pikir, mungkin passion saya ada di menulis dan volunteering. Saya selalu seneng untuk membantu orang lain, selalu merasa perlu untuk melakukan sesuatu untuk yang lain. dan saya keterusan.
Saya mengikuti berbagai program dan project yang bikin saya kehilangan focus. Saya tidak lagi memprioritaskan pendidikan. Saya pikir: I'll get old and boring with this medical stuffs. This is my young, I will take all the things outside meds stuffs. Saya lupa bahwa once, being a medical student is a thing that I wouldn't trade with anything. Saya terlalu apatis dengan bidang yang menuntut banyak kesempurnaan ini. kalau boleh bilang, saya nggak tahan dengan environment kampus yang menurutku banyak orang yang get trapped in routine without excitement. Mereka kelihatan capek, pucat dan nggak menarik.
Awal sekali saya masuk kampus ini saya bertanya pada diri saya sendiri: mana nih anak-anak yang passionate kedokteran?
Nggak banyak yang terlihat demikian. Yang banyak saya lihat adalah orang-orang yang strive for perfection, individualist, orang-orang yang sombong tentang akademik maupun golds and blings, orang yang jalani-apa-yang-ada.
Seharusnya saya mengingatkan pada diri saya sendiri, juga waktu itu: bahwa memang ini lah kenyataannya. Saya nggak bisa lari dari environment ini.
Kalau saya selalu punya banyangan tentang orang-orang passionate yang mencoba do something great and awesome, be friendly and all, mungkin mereka memang bukan disini. Mungkin orang-orang tersebut ada di fakultas yang mengedepankan inovasi dan kebebasan. Bukan di sekolah seperti ini.
Saya lupa
Dan hampir setahun ini saya lupa.
Sampai saya membuka lagi goals saya. Perfect GPA for whole 1^st year is totally achievable, yet I didn't achieve it.
Saya selalu ingin untuk menjadi hebat. Saya pikir, dengan saya mengikuti banyak kegiatan diluar medis, saya akan jadi hebat. Tapi sebaliknya.
Saya tidak bisa mendapatkan apapun dari meraih terlalu banyak 'benda' tersebut.
Saya mau aktif di hal-hal luar, tapi saya nggak bisa karna jadwal kuliah yang mengikat. Saya mau focus kuliah, saya nggak bisa karna saya sudah get attached with those things, pikiran saya selalu mengelana ke sana. Ada banyak what ifs yang terjadi di kepala saya.
Saya benar-benar kehilangan focus. Dan saya menuliskan ini untuk mencegah orang lain merasakan hal yang sama.
Saya mencari my other self potential di saat saya harus focus. Dan apakah saya berhasil? Until now, not. Saya harusnya sadar bahwa saya tidak bisa membangun sesuatu dari nol dengan tanggung jawab study saya yang sekarang. Detik ini, saya kehilangan arah. Detik ini, saya nggak tau saya harus apa. Medical stuffs have been so far from mymind lately yet I have one huge and scary exam next 2 weeks.

Jelas, saya harus belajar. Saya harus membunuh pikiran-pikiran saya yang mencoba menjalar, sampai saya punya jalan khusus untuk mereka. Sampai saya bisa sekolah dengan baik. Karena sejujurnya, bisa saja saya mengembangkan itu semua, mungkin. Tapi in the end, saya pasti ketagihan lagi dan lagi. Dan jika seperti itu, saya yakin saya tidak akan menjadi 100% physician.
Saya selalu suka dengan achievement kak mesty ariotedjo, tapi saya harus mengingatkan diri saya sendiri bahwa apa yang ia kerjakan telah ia bangun sejak sebelum kuliah. Ia tidak mencari jalan. Dengan koneksi yang telah ia punya, jalan itu akan terbuka lebih lebar. Sedangkan saya?:)
Saya pernah punya keinginan to be good at many fields. Saya tau bidang2 apa saja itu. Tapi makin kesini, saya makin merasa ridiculous. Saya nggak mungkin bisa focus and excellent on them.
Mulai sekarang, saya ingin membuat diri saya lebih focus pada tujuan-tujuan awal saya:
Bismillah..

1. Nilai yang baik. (specific target is not to be publishedJ)
2. Have a Part time job as a writer.
3. Belajar bidang lain dari buku/seminar. Not from 3 hours of browsing, or not from streaming 2 hours of youtube videos. That's nonsense.
4. Jangan memberatkan diri. Kalau tau bahwa tidak mampu, jangan memaksakan mencari jalan dari mengabaikan prioritas2 utama seperti agama, keluarga, dan pendidikan.
5. Bertanggung jawab atas organisasi yang telah saya ikuti. Be good on it. One step at a time. Jangan gegabah untuk meraih semua kesempatan bcs it wont turn out good.
6. Jangan pernah melupakan hak dan kewajiban agama karna kesibukan dan prioritas-prioritas tersebut. It's such a fool to forget the One who takes care of your life.
7. Satu target besar lagi yang hanya bisa dicapai kalau kamu punya nilai yang excellent nin: to study abroad. jangan lupa ya:)

Sampai detik ini saya belum pernah merasakan semangat belajar seperti kelas 3 dulu. Sedih ya.. hehe. Dulu saya sampai merasa bahwa studying is a sexy thing, dan saya akan merasa bersalah banget kalo in a day saya belum belajar mandiri selama minimal 8 jam. Where have you been nin?:)
Karena dokter itu butuh skill social
Tapi butuh lebih banyak, dan jauh lebih banyak knowledge.

 
Ayo nina, semangat! Buktikan kalau kamu bisa. Berikan yang terbaik. Jadilah dokter yang know-it-all, seperti harapanmu sejak dulu. Hates anatomy? Remember when at night you were imagining about the awesome anatomy? Yuk buka hati, mata, telinga. Jadi best of your self nggak harus jadi orang dengan banyak skill. Tapi juga bisa berarti orang yang sangat ahli di satu bidang. Sedang bidang lainnya merupakan poin plus-plus yang bisa dicari atau diraih setelah poin utama tercapai. Jangan mudah terintimidasi sama orang-orang sombong ya nin. Emang banyak banget, Cuma kamu nggak mungkin membasmi mereka semua kan? Get used to it. Kuatin mental. Cuek sama pengaruh-pengaruh menciutkan mental itu. You are you. Percaya Allah punya jalan masing-masing. You have Allah and nice family and awesome friends. You' re saved. 


dan satu hal. saya mungkin salah, saya mungkin ragu, tapi saya melakukan dan memutuskan juga mempertimbangkan dengan kesadaran. if something happens to me that means i'm kind of wanting it, kecuali hal-hal yang hanya-Allah-yang-tahu. tapi sejauh ini, apa yang saya lakukan merupakan hal yang secara sadar saya pilih, dibantu oleh 'tangan-tangan' Allah yang  selalu menjadi Guide saya.:) terimakasih, Allah.

"Commitment is like riding a rollercoaster, what ever u feel, u cannot get out of that until it is finish."

"Allah tidak akan merubah suatu kaum,kecuali ia mengubah nasibnya sendiri"

"jika telah kamu selesaikan dengan sungguh-sungguh suatu pekerjaan, maka selesaikanlah pekerjaan lain." (agama mana yang sedetailini menerangkan umatnya tentang etos kerja?:))

"When I was young, I observed that nine out of ten things I did were failures. So I did ten times more work."- George Bernard Shaw

"losers quit when they're tired. winners quit when they've WON"

"I’m tough on myself in terms of my standards, but that’s also part of my pleasure: knowing you are being your fullest self."

"it's not about just living the life, it's about having a hope in dream. yet it's not only about having a dream, it's about striving real hard to get it. and after all, it's only about God behind it all;-)"

“That’s what happens sometimes. Friendships are lost, altered, damaged. People change, or you simply finally appreciate who they have been all along… And so you realize they don’t have a space in your life anymore. Doesn’t matter how long it’s been, how deep it’s gone… It happens, it ends. You move on.” 

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’” 

pages to pages

firstly i wanna say: im legal.

finally i'm an eighteen years old woman. ha ha ha. im happy, really! not just because i had the best birthday in lifetime (thanks for the 24 hours of surprises, friends&family!), but also i thought that eighteen is sexy:)

being an eighteen means im fully legal to do almost everything. my chances are wide open. i'm so much excited about how 18 can changes myself into a mature one. well i even cut my hair into a shorty-bob one. it turns out really good i dont lie. i feel really sophisticated to have a short black hair with side-pony contrasts with my kuning langsat skin:-)

alhamdulillah. terimakasih Allah untuk kepercayaan atas 18 taun ini. You means everything to me!

i promise im gonna do blog about my birthday (it's awesome really really awesome!) but you know, it's not my type to blog events. i'm a feeling person--ok that's not grammatically right. i mostly blog about my feelings, right? (now i sound so much melancholic.)

the first week im being an eighteen is awesome. it's also the week that Ramadhan comes. i love Ramadhan. i have my own Ramadhan goals to keep in mind that i have to do really really huge good deeds in this month. i'm not gonna do break-fasting outta home too much as i did last last year. i wanna focus on praying to God. it's like in mecca, right? people want to do only pray and pray. only to do what Allah likes. i've never been there, i haven't got chance to. so it's like a training for me. bismillah, may Allah bless me this Ramadhan:)

some website i usually open during my ramadhan:

islamic-quotes.com and productivemuslim.com

really helpful!:)

i'm a random person. i like travelling a lot. and i like experiencing new things. that makes me not-so-focused but at least im happy to grab experiences in a time. now i found my passion on writing, and communicating to people and a bit art. but why didnt i take the major of  any of them all? because im not so sure:) if i take psychology, i probably not so focused to, if i take communication, the same thing will happen to me. so it's better  to take medicine so it pushes me to be more focused, even it means i have to let go some chances and fun things outta there. but hey, medical lectures are super fun too! i really like them all, i feel like a so much refreshed everytime i walk out of the class. it always amazes me how a body can be super amazing. nothing compares that.

:)

but if it isnt medical, it probably psychology or communication.

but Allah puts me here, medical faculty of the best Uni in town. what could i ask for more? it's been a blessing:)

last year, senior year, was a tough one. i slept only for 4 hours a day for 2 months. 5 hours a day for other 2 months. and the rest i had 6 hours of sleep. i even go to UKS when i feel really dizy on my head. every time i wanna give up, i told my self : this is once in a lifetime battle. win it. win it. win it. 

but now, i cant be that kinda person anymore. the grade is save whenever it's A/B or above. and whenever it's not, i still have make up test (i really dislike this, but it's helpful to fix if i have not-so-good grades). but experience and chance... and being young can't come twice. i have to use it into its fullest or i'll be old and boring and regret my youngster moment which is boring, too.

i wanna get more experience, make mistakes, learn from it, be better and stronger as a person, have a good leadership, build a good habit (because habit is made when we're young. it's now to choose whoever you wanna be in your future), and all. i cant have it from having a perfect grade, nor from a strict schedule of studying.

and best friends are gonna be soliter too, soon.

i don't wanna spend this free-to-be-fool moment to be perfectly good. because there will be a time that we're expected to be perfectly good and can't make any mistake. so if it's not now, then when will we  make mistakes and learn outta them?

and how to find your passion?

have MANY activities. DO all the THINGS you LOVE. 

so you can FIND what SUITS you well. what MAKES you do EXTRA MILE. what makes you CANT SLEEP because of excitement. what do YOU like to SEE everyday without any pressure.

for me it's writing, design and society--all about human and their problems, are my passion. bingung kan kalo suruh milih major apa kalo punya banyak passion? paling minat di nulis tp tanpa knowledge lain rasanya boring:)

but still,

being a doctor to contribute much is my biggest dream:)

dan di twitter lagi banyak bahas bully nih:-) for my readers since i was in high school, they probably know that i'd been bullied since in elementary school:)

that was a terrible moment. they hated me for acting weird (well we kids were all weird!). the threw me few things, they drew myself in white board. they called me with disgusting nicknames, mocked me. they asked others to be away from me. they let me do our group tasks. that was really really terrible.

i lost my confidence since that day.

not top at that, i bullied a friend in junior high because she spread false rumors, big huge liar, used ourselves. i admitted that i also bully that person as much as i got in elementary school. it was kind of a revenge. but soon i got the feedback. i was bullied again for more stupid reason: for acting sogirly in front of boys, for bringing magazines in school, for talking too much, for asking so much attention, for being a big mouth.

that was the worst one.

everytime i passed the last traffic light before i got to my school, i felt like wanna throw up; because of the nervousness. i didnt wanna get to school anymore. i didn't wanna be alone and felt disgusted at the same time. they mad at me. didn't wanna talk to me. at the recces time, the didn't get along with me, they ignored me or even worse, made fun of me. i was alone. no one cared. at first, the boys really helpful. but soon, the girls made the boys hated me too. i was totally alone. they screamed at me.they talked in my back. they wrote about the things they disliked about me, and rotated it in class so everyone could write on it. there will be one, or two, or three, or probably more meetings; the whole class vs me, a group vs me, another group vs me. all to make sure that i know my mistakes and they asked me to change it unless they hated me for ages. i hated group tasks. it made me feel lonelier. when i saved money to buy self helping book, they told me im on diet. when i finally bought it, they also talked about it. i tried to keep up with cool things that was happening to make some talks to them, but it made me look like a fool. i cried everynight. i couldnt tell my mom for twice because when i did it once i couldnt stop crying to finish my story and my mom was really sad about it, yet she couldn't do anything. then i started to write.

i was really emotional. i even cut my finger's skin because i stupidly lost my diary's lock.

i started to read self helping books, magazines, then i wrote or drew. just to make myself sane. 

and i started to use myspace. there i found lovely friends: mawren from Germany, diane from US and echy from US. all of them are indonesians who lived overseas. i chatted to them daily, told them my problems. 

i started to have a new life in myspace when people still connected trough friendster.

and i began to think about my future. because i knew, i couldnt have a happy 'present' moment, so i had to have great future. then i built my future when the others were  still busy talking about the newest gossips. 

i never liked my junior high school moments that much.

and know what's the irony? the leader team of the people who bullied me consisted of my closest best friends. which is now, we're totally fine and forget about it after really long fights. but i still cant erase the bitter moment about it. 

i love them for who they are now. because if i always look back, i only have anger towards them:)

and high school starts. the last 1st year, i finally felt that i didn't get along somuch with my current close friends (those who bullied me--tanpa memperkecil arti mereka saat ini buat aku). so i tried to mingle with anybody else. but it hurt them, they were really mad and sent me some rude words in social network. they ignored me so much. (until the 3rd year, one of them still ignored me so much but now we'regetting along pretty well). they had a really huge influence towards other people so others looked down on me, too. i didn't get allowance to get close with my crush (my favorite 3 years of high school crush). people ignored me too. i couldn't have any ears to hear myself.

so it wasn't a real bullying. but it was sort of. i always get rude words on twitter for 3 years in my birthday-month since my 15th birthday. not to mention the other moment. people hated me and talked about me much. i couldn't date certain person just to save myself for their slaps.

and i cured myself with read a lot. it helped me.

then i found few best mates (till now) who saved me from them all.

and you know what? most of them, if i cant say all of them, now are my close friends.

funny isnt it?

so i can't say i hate the people that had bullied me. i'd rather say that i hate the bullying itself.

i once bully also, but that was a lesson learned too.

it hurt me till this seconds. it loses my confidence. i can't speak up as i used to. i lost my bravery little by little.

but you know what? i found many great person that had bullied back in their old times. i can use these experiences to make myself miserable or ... to be stronger. it's all my choice. and i choose the second.

so please, be good, be careful, be productive in a good way. because being young only comes once. make sure you use it positively:)

the self and macak tegar phases

it's just another random title. the randomized words that have been spinning in my head. 

the. self. and. macak tegar. phases.

the self.

it's been quite long time since i talk about my own self. few months ago, and years ago (one or two) i liked to write about my ow self, but deeper and bitter. yes, i believe that deep inside anyone's heart, that's a black hole, a deep, bitter, and sucking hole. if you're brave enough, strong enough, you can escape from that hole and be bright and sweet and good. but if you dont have courage to escape, you'll be trapped in that black huge hole, waiting the world to change, to be as bitter as you are, then.

and myself.

there are some spaces that i havent' embrace. that i meant to forget but i simply can't.

i wanted to go to UI, so bad. i love Jakarta for its competition, challenges, spirits, opportunities, and  even its bitterness. i need to be slapped in the face that i'm nothing compared to those great people in the heart of Indonesia. what are you thinking about the city that has 30% 'money' that's rotating in Indonesia per day. it's not about the money itself, but WHO are the ones behind it, WHAT is happening behind that much money? the city's like having many virtual spikes that pushes everyone inside it to be more careful, to be more skillful and to be more competent. there's a chance that if i even get into that Univ, i'd be ditched, i'll be a total loser. but i just never tried.

as everyone says, the pressure makes diamonds. the full-of-pressure city will eventually makes lots of diamonds.

and why did i just remember about this? as i've mentioned before, IYC was a huge thing for me. it's been my dream since the very first time it was launched. and there i saw so many big city woman, man. even a normal college guy become a professional committee of that event. also the normal college girls looked totally stunning and passionate, and somehow it made them pretier.

and i want to be that kind of girl.

but i aint living in that big city. i aint event applying for that Univ. so what's the thing i'm so sad about? it's nothing but my self being so much not confidence. last year. yes, i should be more and more confidence today, and tomorrow, and the next day, and the next couple days, next couple years.

because people mostly regret of what they didn't do rather than of what they've done.

and i just understand. i shouldn't let my fear confront my willingness to do any-single-thing.

if i wanna be an active person, they why ain't i? why didn't i join any club in college? i asked my self.

well, i know the answer: simply because i don't think i would fit in there, and i still have few responsibilities in my current job and my current organization. 

but now i know what i wanna do in college. i even can't wait to see what Allah would say about this intention. would Allah grant this wish?:) please would, Allah:)

and it's not about the institution. it's not about what Uni i've got into. well, it is, a bit. but it shouldn't define myself. my life aint about fk ugm, or anything. my life is all about me. and whoever who describe him/herself as the school he/she is going into, i feel really pity of you. don't you have anything better to describe how beautiful you are as a person?:)

and yes, everyone knows that UGM has the less leadership than the two others gigantic Univ, but that's the point. if you have the stronger and braver character, you'll be stand out. and if you haven't stood out already, then you can't feel like better than anyone here.

and it's my other problem. i kinda dislike whoever who thinks that being a student in my college is good enough that you don't have to do any kind of betterment. well, imagine if every doctor is satisfied enough with him/herself in the age of 18, what the world is gonna be? smart people is everywhere, now they become a large population. but how are we gonna be one of the visible one, the stunning one, the great one? and as a doctor, or even as an engineer, or other professions, we have all the knowledge and skills to do the job we should do. but how many people that also have that ability? how are we gonna give more than the others do? how are we gonna act bigger than others?

it's my homework, daily homework, to find anything that could make myself more valuable each day. so i can contribute more and hopefully can make the things better than they used to.

:-)

and macak tegar:-)

it's a phrase that my close friend(s) made. it's the way they see me using a smiley emoticon to a sad sentences. macak tegar comes from Boso Jowo (Javanese language) means pretend to be strong.

and i just laughed when i heard their opinions about my macak tegar hobby:)) literally. i mean, it's my way to make myself less miserable so i don't seem like a attention seeker. but for few people it's faking a self. it's just a smooth way of lying, maybe.

well for me it's just a way to make my self less sad, less mad, so i could be in joy whatever happens to me. i just wanna share without seeing like too much irritating. i don't wanna ruin other's mood just because of myself being sad or maybe angry.

well, i believe in the power of macak tegar. so let's macak tegar until our own self being tegar in real!:D

the gateways

alhamdulillah. for the happy days.for the super good days. i cant be more thankful enough. thank You Allah. thank You. thank You.

and why it's entitled with the word gateways instead of holiday? because it's not a long week of days off, it's just 2 days or 3 but as fun as holiday, yet SO much refreshing.
and i feel awkward writing in English since i posted most of my recent blog post with Bahasa Indonesia.:p


i'm writing this while listen to 8tracks.com. my favorite website since last year which i found from randomly googled: easy listening playlist. it really gives me thousands of great playlist so i don't need to download or pick some good songs to accompany me during my work with my laptop.


these past weekends i had passed were amazing. i really wanted to blog it every Sunday night, but i don't lie i was so much occupied by tasks and works. and it's not that today i am not, but i really have to write these all before my head explodes.

the first weekend of these long great weekends was when i went to some cool cafes in Bantul as i've written. the second was when i went to few museums with Sandy and Anna. the third was the trip to Lampung. 

on my flight to lampung:)

then the fourth was Anna's Birthday, i guess... ok stop, havent i told ya about Anna's birthday?:)


so that was the Anna's Birthday. we four were kinda busy that day, i forget the details but none of us were free during the day until the night. so we decided to go to her home in the noon. we prepared all in a week (or two?) and everyone took part in it! that was on exam week, anw. yesss! we prepared during the exam week (ok i wasnt on exam week:|) and the day was coming. we went to Anna's home but she wasnt there at first, after about an hour we waited, Dissa drove her car to the city zoo. we closed Anna's eyes and gave some "accessories" which made her a center of attention at that zoo. not so long there, we went to Pasar Kangen. that was one of my favorite part of being jogjakartans, the cultural event. many  cultural event's regularly made, and mostly they're really awesome, including this Pasar Kangen. happy birthday Anna! not much like a bombastic surprise but hope you liked it:)

then.... me and Ririe and Sandy had almost-24 hours girls time:--)
that was totally accidental stuff. i just tweeted that i wanna cook, and sandy was-and is- my cooking mate, but Sandy and I didn't have the equipment so we decided to do that in ririe's home, plus Ririe loves cooking too! so theen we cooked some dishes with chocolate mousse as the dessert :D i don't lie it's really delicious!:)  though we only searched the recipe on youtube and some websites!

yay! jadi satu makanan:D

then we just thought: why don't wee sleep over here?

then it was. i accompanied Sandy to do some businesses and she accompanied me to go home brought some make-ups. then there was a total girls night out (out? we're so much homey people, should be changed to girls in, then?). we searched the youtube about make up tutorial, listened to mainstream music, acted like what Mtv movies told us during the early 2000. we really enjoyed the night... so much:) we told stories, gossiped, told secret; total girls things. i was so much recharged:)

crzy webcam after hours of make-up-ing :p

then the next day, Sunday, Rini asked me to 'nobar' final football match. well, it was gonna on 2 am in the early morning, and i didn't think i could make it. so asked her (and the boys) to nobar at my home. and yes, they did. we did nobar at my house!! for the very first time i saw a complete football match, proud much:D sadly our favorite team, Italy, didn't make it as the winner:( but that didn't minus the happiness i've got:) we talked so much, with bary, reza, and we laughed so muchhhhh!!!!  not stop at that, in the morning Rini asked me to go to my campus with me. i was on discussion class and she walked around my campus:-) in short, we really had good 24 hours... thank you my power ranger:)


then mom's birthday. igave her a bouquet of flower and a parfume. it took the whole salary i've got that month, but it's all worth it. my mom really loved it and she texted (whe was already in Jkt) me with the words which made me cry so much, the tears of happiness. i love you mum, glad to see you happy!:)


then the last weekend..i went to jakarta. that was quite a long story. at first i wanna use train, alone. and my daddy use plane on the next day. but daddy didn't allow me to do so, then we both changed our tickets into two tickets of airplane. how sweet he was:) then we slept in Thamrin Residence. i wanted to attend IYC, thought it would be easy for me to get to Thamrin Nine, then. but until the morning, none of us (with daddys' friend) knew Thamrin Nine Ballroom. it's the ballrooms' name, not the bulding name. with little research on twitter, we drove to UOB plaza which only took 5 minutes or even less from the apartment. and it's right, it was the place. i was so much earlier:)

well, even i missed the Saman Performance, i really think that IYC was so much worth it. really.
the really professional people behind it, the speaker, the place.... im SO much inspired! i love seeing really hard working comittee and all. i love the experience, the environment, the air of change. IYC, we decide!
not just the conference, but also the music performances, was really amazing!! i jumped into the crowd with sandy and rini. we sang all the song we knew, we shook our bodies as no one could see. that was totally fun!!
and until this very moment, i still feel the huge thing IYC brought. the inspiration, the passion, the determination and all. it was a great experience. i'm so much thankful that i could join that event, i don't lie and not hyperbole also, but it was such a great event. i met great persons there and listened to wonderful stories. in the morning i still felt the spark that IYC shared the previous day. it has massive influence, not only for me but i thought for most of the attendances there:)

hivi! 

raisa;---)

cant you see how nervous we were? he's too cute! ezra from hivi!:""

i wish i could attend IYC again, next year:)

then the Sunday, my closest cousins' wedding! that was sooo prettyyyy and i loved it so much! the flowery decoration, delicious food, and everything! told you, she's the cumlaude, the youngest and highest GPA in the whole batch of.. chemical engineering ITB. how cool she is:) and she married the man she used to hate:p so much like ftv but it's real version. his husband also the cumlaude and super smart guy. what a perfect couple:) wish you have happy days in Australia, then! (they both got scholarship in australia... yeah, perfect days are exist!)

on the wedding:)

my favorite corner :"

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anyway...

well, for the ones that said im so much into prince charming, please, recognize my last 3-years-highschool-crush, and tell me that he's a prince charming, do you dare?:)
and to the ones that told me im a super childish. please, look at what ive been doing and what ive done. im working and join a NGO while half of you may dont know what's NGO. so much childish, eh?
PLEASE THINK TWICE:) it really disturbs me, judges!

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have a nice week and please.. use your time wisely. you get older and you may lose this second. do you think you've used ur time to do something useful? do you adore your own self, now?






nb: i try to use my very time to change be the one that i adore.so i can change to be the most favorite version of myself. tidakkah tertarik, kamu?
saya pengen bgt jadi cewek yang smart, cantik, mandiri dan multi talent. semoga, suatu saat saya bisa:)