the. self. and. macak tegar. phases.
the self.
it's been quite long time since i talk about my own self. few months ago, and years ago (one or two) i liked to write about my ow self, but deeper and bitter. yes, i believe that deep inside anyone's heart, that's a black hole, a deep, bitter, and sucking hole. if you're brave enough, strong enough, you can escape from that hole and be bright and sweet and good. but if you dont have courage to escape, you'll be trapped in that black huge hole, waiting the world to change, to be as bitter as you are, then.
and myself.
there are some spaces that i havent' embrace. that i meant to forget but i simply can't.
i wanted to go to UI, so bad. i love Jakarta for its competition, challenges, spirits, opportunities, and even its bitterness. i need to be slapped in the face that i'm nothing compared to those great people in the heart of Indonesia. what are you thinking about the city that has 30% 'money' that's rotating in Indonesia per day. it's not about the money itself, but WHO are the ones behind it, WHAT is happening behind that much money? the city's like having many virtual spikes that pushes everyone inside it to be more careful, to be more skillful and to be more competent. there's a chance that if i even get into that Univ, i'd be ditched, i'll be a total loser. but i just never tried.
as everyone says, the pressure makes diamonds. the full-of-pressure city will eventually makes lots of diamonds.
and why did i just remember about this? as i've mentioned before, IYC was a huge thing for me. it's been my dream since the very first time it was launched. and there i saw so many big city woman, man. even a normal college guy become a professional committee of that event. also the normal college girls looked totally stunning and passionate, and somehow it made them pretier.
and i want to be that kind of girl.
but i aint living in that big city. i aint event applying for that Univ. so what's the thing i'm so sad about? it's nothing but my self being so much not confidence. last year. yes, i should be more and more confidence today, and tomorrow, and the next day, and the next couple days, next couple years.
because people mostly regret of what they didn't do rather than of what they've done.
and i just understand. i shouldn't let my fear confront my willingness to do any-single-thing.
if i wanna be an active person, they why ain't i? why didn't i join any club in college? i asked my self.
well, i know the answer: simply because i don't think i would fit in there, and i still have few responsibilities in my current job and my current organization.
but now i know what i wanna do in college. i even can't wait to see what Allah would say about this intention. would Allah grant this wish?:) please would, Allah:)
and it's not about the institution. it's not about what Uni i've got into. well, it is, a bit. but it shouldn't define myself. my life aint about fk ugm, or anything. my life is all about me. and whoever who describe him/herself as the school he/she is going into, i feel really pity of you. don't you have anything better to describe how beautiful you are as a person?:)
and yes, everyone knows that UGM has the less leadership than the two others gigantic Univ, but that's the point. if you have the stronger and braver character, you'll be stand out. and if you haven't stood out already, then you can't feel like better than anyone here.
and it's my other problem. i kinda dislike whoever who thinks that being a student in my college is good enough that you don't have to do any kind of betterment. well, imagine if every doctor is satisfied enough with him/herself in the age of 18, what the world is gonna be? smart people is everywhere, now they become a large population. but how are we gonna be one of the visible one, the stunning one, the great one? and as a doctor, or even as an engineer, or other professions, we have all the knowledge and skills to do the job we should do. but how many people that also have that ability? how are we gonna give more than the others do? how are we gonna act bigger than others?
it's my homework, daily homework, to find anything that could make myself more valuable each day. so i can contribute more and hopefully can make the things better than they used to.
:-)
and macak tegar:-)
it's a phrase that my close friend(s) made. it's the way they see me using a smiley emoticon to a sad sentences. macak tegar comes from Boso Jowo (Javanese language) means pretend to be strong.
and i just laughed when i heard their opinions about my macak tegar hobby:)) literally. i mean, it's my way to make myself less miserable so i don't seem like a attention seeker. but for few people it's faking a self. it's just a smooth way of lying, maybe.
well for me it's just a way to make my self less sad, less mad, so i could be in joy whatever happens to me. i just wanna share without seeing like too much irritating. i don't wanna ruin other's mood just because of myself being sad or maybe angry.
well, i believe in the power of macak tegar. so let's macak tegar until our own self being tegar in real!:D
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