finally i'm an eighteen years old woman. ha ha ha. im happy, really! not just because i had the best birthday in lifetime (thanks for the 24 hours of surprises, friends&family!), but also i thought that eighteen is sexy:)
being an eighteen means im fully legal to do almost everything. my chances are wide open. i'm so much excited about how 18 can changes myself into a mature one. well i even cut my hair into a shorty-bob one. it turns out really good i dont lie. i feel really sophisticated to have a short black hair with side-pony contrasts with my kuning langsat skin:-)
alhamdulillah. terimakasih Allah untuk kepercayaan atas 18 taun ini. You means everything to me!
i promise im gonna do blog about my birthday (it's awesome really really awesome!) but you know, it's not my type to blog events. i'm a feeling person--ok that's not grammatically right. i mostly blog about my feelings, right? (now i sound so much melancholic.)
the first week im being an eighteen is awesome. it's also the week that Ramadhan comes. i love Ramadhan. i have my own Ramadhan goals to keep in mind that i have to do really really huge good deeds in this month. i'm not gonna do break-fasting outta home too much as i did last last year. i wanna focus on praying to God. it's like in mecca, right? people want to do only pray and pray. only to do what Allah likes. i've never been there, i haven't got chance to. so it's like a training for me. bismillah, may Allah bless me this Ramadhan:)
some website i usually open during my ramadhan:
islamic-quotes.com and productivemuslim.com
really helpful!:)
i'm a random person. i like travelling a lot. and i like experiencing new things. that makes me not-so-focused but at least im happy to grab experiences in a time. now i found my passion on writing, and communicating to people and a bit art. but why didnt i take the major of any of them all? because im not so sure:) if i take psychology, i probably not so focused to, if i take communication, the same thing will happen to me. so it's better to take medicine so it pushes me to be more focused, even it means i have to let go some chances and fun things outta there. but hey, medical lectures are super fun too! i really like them all, i feel like a so much refreshed everytime i walk out of the class. it always amazes me how a body can be super amazing. nothing compares that.
:)
but if it isnt medical, it probably psychology or communication.
but Allah puts me here, medical faculty of the best Uni in town. what could i ask for more? it's been a blessing:)
last year, senior year, was a tough one. i slept only for 4 hours a day for 2 months. 5 hours a day for other 2 months. and the rest i had 6 hours of sleep. i even go to UKS when i feel really dizy on my head. every time i wanna give up, i told my self : this is once in a lifetime battle. win it. win it. win it.
but now, i cant be that kinda person anymore. the grade is save whenever it's A/B or above. and whenever it's not, i still have make up test (i really dislike this, but it's helpful to fix if i have not-so-good grades). but experience and chance... and being young can't come twice. i have to use it into its fullest or i'll be old and boring and regret my youngster moment which is boring, too.
i wanna get more experience, make mistakes, learn from it, be better and stronger as a person, have a good leadership, build a good habit (because habit is made when we're young. it's now to choose whoever you wanna be in your future), and all. i cant have it from having a perfect grade, nor from a strict schedule of studying.
and best friends are gonna be soliter too, soon.
i don't wanna spend this free-to-be-fool moment to be perfectly good. because there will be a time that we're expected to be perfectly good and can't make any mistake. so if it's not now, then when will we make mistakes and learn outta them?
and how to find your passion?
have MANY activities. DO all the THINGS you LOVE.
so you can FIND what SUITS you well. what MAKES you do EXTRA MILE. what makes you CANT SLEEP because of excitement. what do YOU like to SEE everyday without any pressure.
for me it's writing, design and society--all about human and their problems, are my passion. bingung kan kalo suruh milih major apa kalo punya banyak passion? paling minat di nulis tp tanpa knowledge lain rasanya boring:)
but still,
being a doctor to contribute much is my biggest dream:)
dan di twitter lagi banyak bahas bully nih:-) for my readers since i was in high school, they probably know that i'd been bullied since in elementary school:)
that was a terrible moment. they hated me for acting weird (well we kids were all weird!). the threw me few things, they drew myself in white board. they called me with disgusting nicknames, mocked me. they asked others to be away from me. they let me do our group tasks. that was really really terrible.
i lost my confidence since that day.
not top at that, i bullied a friend in junior high because she spread false rumors, big huge liar, used ourselves. i admitted that i also bully that person as much as i got in elementary school. it was kind of a revenge. but soon i got the feedback. i was bullied again for more stupid reason: for acting sogirly in front of boys, for bringing magazines in school, for talking too much, for asking so much attention, for being a big mouth.
that was the worst one.
everytime i passed the last traffic light before i got to my school, i felt like wanna throw up; because of the nervousness. i didnt wanna get to school anymore. i didn't wanna be alone and felt disgusted at the same time. they mad at me. didn't wanna talk to me. at the recces time, the didn't get along with me, they ignored me or even worse, made fun of me. i was alone. no one cared. at first, the boys really helpful. but soon, the girls made the boys hated me too. i was totally alone. they screamed at me.they talked in my back. they wrote about the things they disliked about me, and rotated it in class so everyone could write on it. there will be one, or two, or three, or probably more meetings; the whole class vs me, a group vs me, another group vs me. all to make sure that i know my mistakes and they asked me to change it unless they hated me for ages. i hated group tasks. it made me feel lonelier. when i saved money to buy self helping book, they told me im on diet. when i finally bought it, they also talked about it. i tried to keep up with cool things that was happening to make some talks to them, but it made me look like a fool. i cried everynight. i couldnt tell my mom for twice because when i did it once i couldnt stop crying to finish my story and my mom was really sad about it, yet she couldn't do anything. then i started to write.
i was really emotional. i even cut my finger's skin because i stupidly lost my diary's lock.
i started to read self helping books, magazines, then i wrote or drew. just to make myself sane.
and i started to use myspace. there i found lovely friends: mawren from Germany, diane from US and echy from US. all of them are indonesians who lived overseas. i chatted to them daily, told them my problems.
i started to have a new life in myspace when people still connected trough friendster.
and i began to think about my future. because i knew, i couldnt have a happy 'present' moment, so i had to have great future. then i built my future when the others were still busy talking about the newest gossips.
i never liked my junior high school moments that much.
and know what's the irony? the leader team of the people who bullied me consisted of my closest best friends. which is now, we're totally fine and forget about it after really long fights. but i still cant erase the bitter moment about it.
i love them for who they are now. because if i always look back, i only have anger towards them:)
and high school starts. the last 1st year, i finally felt that i didn't get along somuch with my current close friends (those who bullied me--tanpa memperkecil arti mereka saat ini buat aku). so i tried to mingle with anybody else. but it hurt them, they were really mad and sent me some rude words in social network. they ignored me so much. (until the 3rd year, one of them still ignored me so much but now we'regetting along pretty well). they had a really huge influence towards other people so others looked down on me, too. i didn't get allowance to get close with my crush (my favorite 3 years of high school crush). people ignored me too. i couldn't have any ears to hear myself.
so it wasn't a real bullying. but it was sort of. i always get rude words on twitter for 3 years in my birthday-month since my 15th birthday. not to mention the other moment. people hated me and talked about me much. i couldn't date certain person just to save myself for their slaps.
and i cured myself with read a lot. it helped me.
then i found few best mates (till now) who saved me from them all.
and you know what? most of them, if i cant say all of them, now are my close friends.
funny isnt it?
so i can't say i hate the people that had bullied me. i'd rather say that i hate the bullying itself.
i once bully also, but that was a lesson learned too.
it hurt me till this seconds. it loses my confidence. i can't speak up as i used to. i lost my bravery little by little.
but you know what? i found many great person that had bullied back in their old times. i can use these experiences to make myself miserable or ... to be stronger. it's all my choice. and i choose the second.
so please, be good, be careful, be productive in a good way. because being young only comes once. make sure you use it positively:)
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