"Do you believe in yourself?"
"... Eighty percent ... yes ..."
"Really? Because what we're seeing is you're eighty percent do not believe in yourself."
I felt like shot gunned.
Then I asked myself, "Do you believe in yourself?"
you can see me smiling all over, doing silly Things, talking like I do not care about anything but me but inside, I Actually Almost can not believe any of what I do.
I do not know when was the first time I started to feel that way. Because Actually I was born reallllly bold. All of my family loves me. They tell me I'm beautiful and incredible as a kid. I was brave Enough to walk alone without any adult since I was on Kindergarten. I believed That I was good Enough to live. I had no doubt about anything.
But then it changed.
I got my friends Rejected me since I was on fifth graders. They said it's how I talked, how I Moved My lips, how I made friends with circles of friends That annoyed Them. They made me do every group-task We Had. They insulted what I'd done. They made me wrote a love letter to someone's crush, and then that person took me to a place and she mad at me for that. I was forced! If I didn't do that, they said they would never be my friends. And those friends WHO forced me just laughing and just made the situation worse.
When I'm writing this my heart hurts. And I just remembered that I've been forgetting this since....years ago
Then junior high school. I was not a smart ass on elementary school back then, but I was confident enough that it might be hard but I still hadn't lose my hope to get into the best school in town. Then I was accepted. At the first month there, I cried. I missed my friends, not the ones That bullied me. But the guy-friends. (Yes, in elementary school, I failed made friends with those girls, so I tried to have a good friendship with boys and it worked.) When I finally Could pass the first year, the second year wasn't much better. Almost a whole class hated me. They even had a special occasion, kind of meeting for every girl in the class, with Some lists in papers of what's so bad about me. You know, now what I Recognize from myself is what is so bad about me. Some people ware kind Enough to treat me normally. But no one really fought that. I thought it was karma for me, for ever did that to a person WHO laid a whole class. at that moment, it was like: now it's my turn!! I can not say I'm a saint. i know what i did is just wrong. and it happened for reasons, for making me realize that it's not anyone's right to judge people, to make other's life seem worse, because the world itself is cruel. At least I could learn That I SHOULD NEVER judge anyone for what They had chosen in life.
Almost every day I cried. Things I wrote on book. I kept blaming myself for having Such an ugly personality. The closest friends were the ones WHO hated me the best, it was such a. .. I do not know. I just do not know how to properly write what I felt. They Might hate me so much for this post. They always toll me ........ That should I forget it all. But if you were me, can you forget a terrible memory? When no-one can not accept you. When you feel like you DONT have any place to go, to stay, except my bedroom? You do not have anyone to talk to. Because you can not imagine you have not felt that way. May you then say: I know how to behave, unlike you. That's the point. They kept telling me what's wrong about me without letting me know how to fix it. I was so confused. And ... Is there no one that has worse personality than mine? There will Be many. So if you want to fix me, why did you use unpleasant words?
That time I needed justify.
Then Some guy-friends felt bad about me. I made friends with most of Them. But then I was said as a bitchy.
Then I saved my money to buy some self-helping books. Then They said I was on a bad diet.
Every morning in the car, when We Crossed Gramedia book store, my heart beat faster. What am I going to do today? Am I going to survive? Can't I just skip school?
Senior year. I thought it would be better. Well, it was better. But I Remembered, again. It was afternoon and my closest friend was sitting on the opposite of me, looking through my eyes, then looking down, then looking at EACH other. They were the resource persons like on the opposite. Then They said what's bad about me again. They talked as it was for me, but Actually, it hurt.
Then I said to one of my friend: I do not feel like I deserve you all. I am too bad to anybody.
And she said: what did you say? Come on ...
Enough of junior high school, it was the time to focus on getting to the best school in town. but then I just don't have confidence. I Didn't believe That I can't get trough the best high school in town.
Then I Didn't get into the best school. I Did not even apply for that. That I was that not confident.
The high school I got into is the modest one. That I was not comfortable at first, so I made friends as much as I could, played as much as I could, skip as many classes I could. It was fun.
Then, second year. People started to hate me. They talked my back. No one was really on my side. The ones I trust the ones WHO also spilled my story and made others hate me more. Why? Because I seemed like seek so much attention, annoying, buzzing, and others. But do you notice? i didn't really do something that bother their life, actually. I did not spill Their secrets, I did not back stab people, I did not lie people. I treated Them as good friends.
And this is a big truth: People see me like I fall for guys so easily, but actually, I fall for how They showed Their feelings to me. How They paid attention to me. How They seemed like would do anything for me.
And I didn't really fall for many guys. There is just one I can not forget, I can not get out of my mind. But Some of my friends didn't like us being together so much; they acted like... forget it. Then I was like on a crossing road: Between the friends I've been Longing and the one I loved the most.
Then I chose friends
Because I have never really had Them. And the love? ...
And I cried a lot at night. i ever thought to get a psychologist .... but I was never brave enough to just come to a professional helper. I was too broken to anyone.
well, my forever friends are just books and music. They helped me a lot trough these all. Although they can't perfectly heal me, I just feel better to put my focus on other things.
The more I read books, the more I want to be a doctor. I feel like un-beneficial human beings. I thought doctor can make people think that Their life is saved. People love how doctor knows what to do to make Them better. I love how people feel blessed because of what doctor does to Them, even just what doctor does a procedure in his job. I love how people feel so happy just because doctor had checked them and Gave Them advice. It's like everyone Would like me, Because I seem like heal Them or even just make Them feel better.
Biggest So That is my motivation to be a doctor.
To simply be happy and accepted.
And I'm working hard on it. Dear God, please, I beg you please, let me get this chance to get into the best med. School in this town. Pretty please? Amen.
.....
.....
.....
Now I have nothing to write.
Now I feel so much better ...
I do not lie:)
and despite of those Things, I really appreciate the ones WHO keep supporting me. I'm sorry for have not be a good person, yet. I m sorry I ever bothering annoying being a bad human being. and I'm sorry for ever just being me ...
and I'm sorry if any of my words hurt you here, any of whoever WHO read this (even just one or two Humans). I just try to be true of what I've been feeling. You do not know how I feel, keeping this, without having anyone to share. Any single one. So I try to share here, so for anyone who feels the way I feel, gets trough what I've been trough, I just Want to say: you are not alone.
and this is not like i don't forgive the people, or i hate them. i've never taught to hate people. but i just can't let the hatred of the past goes. i just can't forgive the past.
I promise I keep changing me into the better.
People Might say: you are not true to yourself!
But I will from say: what if true to me does not Enough for anybody?
Thanks for bothering yourself to read Such a Long Readings. Thanks for not judging after you read this. Thanks for apologizing and keep me Praying for me.
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