aku tidak sendiri

waktu aku nulis ini, mungkin rasanya sudah nggak sehancur sebelumnya. mungkin perasaanku sudah jauh lebih baik dari pertama kali, cuma aku masih belum bisa menyembuhkan diri.

aku terbiasa dengan orang lain yang membantu, atau sekedar menemani. teman. i would never trade a friend with anything, anyone else. mungkin mereka, teman2ku semua, nggak ada yang sadar, cuma aku sayang sekali sama mereka dan i literally would do anything to them.

sampai suatu ketika aku sedih se sedih-sedihnya karna suatu hal.

dan aku sudah bilang, kan, bahwa kehidupan kuliah itu individual? kalo aku bilang gini, mungkin nggak semua orang mau bilang iya. tapi kalo salah satu orang kena sesuatu, pertolongan yang diberikan nggak sehebat kayak yang aku rasain ketika SMA. aku pun juga gitu, nggak bisa nolong sebaik ketika aku sama temen-temen di SMA. selalu merasa kalau orang lain bisa handle masalahnya sendiri.

padahal ternyata, tidak.

dan ketika aku down banget, aku nyari orang-orang yang menurutku bisa membantu. tapi hasilnya hampir nihil:)

few finally asked me out, texted me regularly to make sure i'm ok or just bbm-ed, and the rest don't know what's going on. which one are you?:)

i was so sad that i cried at night for times.

and there was a thing that made the sadness came as big as twice.

:)

remuk banget dan aku nggak tau saat itu, how could i survive. aku cuma bisa nangis sehabis sholat sambil meremas rukuh. rasanya sakit yang didalem pengen banget aku keluarin. lalu aku tau kenapa orang-orang mencoba melukai dirinya sendiri ketika sedih.

i might got depression.

i'm afraid i was.

sebenernya hal kecil. hanya saja, aku nggak terbiasa sendiri. aku nggak terbiasa memotivasi diri sendiri. aku nggak pernah percaya sama diriku, sepenuhnya. aku terbiasa membuat orang lain percaya sama aku, and make them convince me about myself.

salah besar.

nggak selamanya orang lain akan terus disana.

nggak selamanya orang akan bikin kita bahagia. iya, walaupun selama ini orang (jamak, maupun tunggal) tersebut adalah sumber semangat kita.

i tried to get close to Allah. i seemed close to Allah until i found my self lost. i missed His guidance, i missed His thoughts that i read trough things i saw.

i tried to make myself found Him in my life. for once more.

and that was my turning point.

i saw my parents living a really simple life: do what you gotta do, do the best you can do, and be happy with all you've got in the end.

my family isn't a super rich, super brainy, super successful. but my family isn't poor either. we life with simplicity and peace. and i learn to be more like family, from now on.

i don't hate people. i just realized that we can't count on people.

even we CAN be 24/7 to be the helper, doesn't mean it works on other people.

and i asked my mom:

"enak kali ya mah, punya pacar. mau nggak mau dia harus ada"

and she told me:

"lah iya, udah sana cari."

and i laughed.

seneng kali ya, punya pacar, ada yang merhatiin 24/7 dan mereka wajib jadi supporting person numero uno.

tapi jadi sendiri itu artinya harus sekuat orang-orang yang punya pacar. if a couple have one strength and they divide it into 2 for each person then each person has half, while i have a complete one strength. it's all from God and i will give back to God:)

setiap taun, aku punya siklus ini. sejak kapan? sejak aku di bully waktu sd, dan smp, dan sma. i lost my confidence, entah kemana. aku selalu puas dengan yang pas-pasan karna saya rasa i don't deserve any better.bukannya aku mau ngungkit-ngungkit itu lagi, tapi efeknya masih sampai sekarang:)

that's why i didn't wanna be alone. kayak gini sebenernya:)

even i made friends with them--orang-orang yang dulu nggak suka sama aku, tapi tetep aja...:)

wajar sih, kalo nggak semua orang suka sama kita. tapi kalo orang nggak suka sama aku, sukanya frontal sih..:p

tapi harusnya, aku belajar kan, untuk lebih kuat? di sujud terakhirku aku sering berdoa untuk bisa dapet kepercayaan diri lagi, i literally do that, kalau aku nggak lupa. atau kalau lupa, aku doa setelah shalat, kalau nggak sedang keburu-buru. i really need that.

aku capek mentally butuh orang lain and they failed to be there. rasanya sedih yang satu, jadi dikaliduakan. i'm really exhausted. i'm beyond dissapointed, but people have their priorities, which i can't make myself as their first, or second:)

and it's normal. i'm the one who should get used to it:)

terimakasih Allah, for being there, for stregthen me, for giving me another chance to be a better person. thanks for this perfect family. thanks for the love you give for me. for the love that i have. for the super endurance i thought i didn't have:)

thank You. i can't say any word to express how grateful i am:)

ya Allah, kuatkan aku. sabarkan aku. berilah aku petunjukmu.

semoga ikhlas bukan berarti berhenti berusaha sekuat tenaga. amin:)

“Life is painful and messed up. It gets complicated at the worst of times, and sometimes you have no idea where to go or what to do. Lots of times people just let themselves get lost, dropping into a wide open, huge abyss. But that’s why we have to keep trying. We have to push through all that hurts us, work past all our memories that are haunting us. Sometimes the things that hurt us are the things that make us strongest. A life without experience, in my opinion, is no life at all. And that’s why I tell everyone that, even when it hurts, never stop yourself from living.”

—	Alysha Speer and, medical is the reason why i keep going:)

“That moment when you’re studying and you just feel so tired that you want nothing more than to go to sleep, but then you realize that what you learn now, might save someones life in the future. And that’s what keeps you going.”

—

Vinny S.

dilemma

i've been longing to write a blog post for a couple days, but i've never made it until today. and as usual, i'm not gonna write certain events, im just gonna write some thoughts.

well, as you know, now i'm living my dream as a medical student. and as The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho said, i got the beginner's luck. i got my grades really well for past blocks, but then i didn't get the score as i hoped for. on the last block, i studied hard, i let go my jobs, i never really go out only for having fun with my high school mates, i read the textbooks and the summaries and the slides. i worked hard for it. it was a light block, it contained less than the past few blocks.

(being a med student isn't about learning hard stuffs. it's about learning normal stuffs with heavy volume in really short time. it makes us have less time to do social stuffs and all.)

i really tried my best to get my focus on one thing: academic. but then i got my score lower than the rest. i was really sad--you cant imagine that, really really sad. then i ran to Allah. i cried and i told Him all. i read Quran and i prayed. i prayed alot. i was questening alot.. then (i forgot the exact event), but somehow i understood. that i might be arrogant, that i might become ambitious, that i might be ignorant with other people and all, if i got every good scores i wished.

then i thought a lot. that i might be better off get down, so i might realize all the bless i have, so i could be more thankful, and i might be getting closer to Allah even more.

it was kinda my state of peace: i had nothing to worry about, i didn't have anything to be taken because i had left nothing. the only thing i can do is taking care of what i've got now.

and one thing: i always had my prayers be true in this past (almost) 2 years. i never had any heart-breaking moment, except when i got 65 for math test and when i didn't pass the SNMPTN Undangan in this past 2 years. i always get what i wanted. i was on top ten rank. i got 9 for 3subjects on UN. most of the time i was on the best 50th rank in school in the senior year.

..

after realizing those all, i feel more peaceful. and as i believed before (then i had forgotten) that all the results i've got, any single result of any single thing, doesn't come from my efforts. i only do what i have to do because the obligation said so, but the result is purely in Allah's hand. it's maktub. it had been written by God.

"maka nikmat Tuhanmu yang manakah yang kamu dustakan?"

well, there's other thing. i was afraid that it (medicine) might not be my field. i might love helping but what if medicine isn't my passion? what if i get into some social cluster faculty then i'll be active student as i were in highschool so i can be good at many things and so i can meet more people, get more knowledge, be smarter than this, and people will respect me more, and all. what if?...

my study schedule here sucks almost 24 hours in a day, and i have no more time to just chillax or be more productive, do some sports or gardening. i can't enjoy my other hobbies such as reading and watching movie because i have no huge extra time to do that. i ger bored easily and i can't breath some fresh air out of this medicine routine, makes me sick and almost insane literally. plus most of the poeple here i met really concern on the grades. which i hate. it's like the world's spinning just because of the grades of future doctors. i mean, the life is more than that! why can't you guys understand?..

.. until i met more people....

then i finally found that there are still lots of normal people who can see the world better than the rest, in a full view, left. alhamdulillah:)

so, then i questioned myself back.

what if i didnt get into medicine?..
...
..
well, i might be the active college students, got more friends, got more experience and knowledge,

but i will not live in my dream.

and the imagination of that really scares me out.

well, i'm currently thinking about my future. the scariest thing about living our dream is to have another dream and to live it, again. will i have another, bigger, greater dream? will i have courage to chase it as i did? what if in the next time i failed?

and i kinda have no idea about my next career. i wanna be a lecturer, i wanna be a clinician also. but what subject i should teach? physiology, farmacology, immunology, or anything else? and what field i should take? internist, pedictrian, obsgyn, or any other? what sub i should take then?

i have no idea AT ALL.

everything seems so awesome. i really wanna be good at all the things but it's hardly be coming true. i have no idea.

i just have figured few things out.

that i wanna get financial aid during my undergraduate. that i wanna get scholarship to study in USA, approx for 2 years. i wanna be the youngest cumlaude in early 2015. i wanna pass all the classes with A or A/B scores. i wanna learn saman(i finally get into saman class on my college!! only for 2 months!! so happy:D). i wanna good at driving and cooking. i wanna learn piano. i wanna write a book. i wanna contribute more on cancer. i wanna be an activist for anti bullying. i wanna have a boyfie, that boyfie (ehem). i wanna inspire people. i wanna play basketball better. i wanna swim better. i wanna be able to float in the sea. i wanna travel around indonesia and around the world. i wanna go to mecca and turkey with daddy.

that's an enough checklist for the next 5 years, isn't it?:) wish me luck for those little dreams. not that heavy but still, need lots of efforts. bismillahirrahmanirrahim. insyaAllah.:)


At the end of the day, remind yourself your intentions behind the success – to please Allah [SWT] and your parents, to uplift the Ummah and to prove to yourself that you can achieve to the best of your potential. -- dr.Rahsid

one's post represents the whole feelings of mine:)

Allah is very kind, because He always makes me work so hard, fight and struggle to reach the things I dream of in life. I think Allah wants me to appreciate the joy of pursuing and reaching dreams in the most sincere and humble manner, because they didn't come in an instant. They all needed a long time, a long journey, a lot of thinking, a great deal of energy, patience and courage to achieve. Thank you, Allah...:') - Diana Rikasari

the reaaaal M life

ok. this has been almost eight months that i've been here. all i can say is living my dream as a med student wasn't as easy as i thought. but doesn't mean it isn't worth it:)

at first, at every first moment in my life, i couldn't fit in. it was a huge barrier between my expectation and reality. there're smart asses outta here, they're as individualistic as i'd thought before. but, you know, it was something missing, i couldn't find what is it. i don't know, maybe they all are lack of passion. just maybe. because i didn't find any spirit of self-development, i didn't find any awesome vision, i didn't find the special things in most of my college friends. it's like.. am i alone here?
most of them just living the life by 24 hours, which isn't wrong at all. but it's just not me. i expected bunch of people that have huge dreams, and somehow encourage me to have a bigger dream and louder action towards it. but there isn't any.

well, it's a bit of reality here, but doesn't mean it's all people i've been talk about.

with block system, we're lack of spare time. seven years of learning is packed to be a three and half years of learning medical stuffs. isn't it super heavy? yes of course. so then i realized that it's normal to just busy with ur 24 when it's only all you've got. even putting ur ass on bed is a guilt sometimes.

then i gave up with those people. stupid i know. how could i give up with the people i should be working with forever? and i've been pushed to understand more about living here, about the real indonesian medical school and typical medical students.
they are all simple. they wanna help people, raise some money, have a good career on clinic or academic, live happily, die happily. it's normal.
and i found my self lack of encouragement and inspiration from those people. and once again, it's not that they're wrong. it's just me having a heavy expectation. i was upset with this fact but i tried to know more, to understand more. then i get involved in some kind of medical training here.
that was my turning back--likely.

i heard stories about great young doctors who have spirit to not only have a good life with their own, but also develop their selves, living the life into their fullest, and live beyond imagination. i'm not over-dramatic but it's true.
being a doctor itself is a service to people. so most of people think it's normal to doctor going across the very tiny district in Indonesia. but they don't know that it needs more than a good brain to survive there. doctors need to know how to interact with origin people, know their cultures, and most of all, know all the knowledge (well, a very basic one) of almost all of the specializing doctors. the lack of facilities, lack of connection to family and friends, and the lonesome feeling itself. but doctors forget it all only to do their duties. with or without money, they should go for patients. ah. i'm overwhelmed. by both of the happiness to help people and by the stuffs i should be mastering on. heavy.

i'm ashamed to think that go abroad, help people in africa, and all my dreams are big enough. because the fact is, there are very tiny number of doctors who want to help their own nation, their own Indonesia, for just few years, in tiny districts over Indonesia, outside Java. i wanna be on of them. i wanna go to Papua or Aceh or Nusa Tenggara Timur/Barat. i wanna see Indonesia closer. i wanna help people, more. i wanna be contented. amen.

but first of all, i should pass this exam with A grade. please please please Allah, grant my wish. and please people, pray for me. i need to get straight A for whole year!:) amen.

and i've just found out that not all of the people we put them first will likely put us as their first, we just have to accept that and change our priority toward them. it's such a waste, wanting people who don't really want you as you do. so i just let it be. i try my best to be the most independent version of me. not much egoistic but will be more selfish since putting people first gives much wounds. and im really thankful for the existence of Allah. it's such a HUGE bless for being a moslem. im also thankful for having nice friends here in college and some from my past. i'm really thankful that you guys are really nice to me and caring to me. thank you, guys.

after past years, i will just admit that i have a big, huge, intention to just write. i promise myself to write at least a book before turning 25. would you pray for me for this please? well, writing for ai magz isn't counted.

as Joko Anwar said, when you're on the down-est moment, all you can do is just lift it up. and i'm working my ass to lift my life, my grades, my self, just so i know that im not wasting the life Allah has given to me.
thanks for reading and have a nice month!

hard time

it's been a rough moment. my grade decreased. i've been sad for almost every single week. i feel alone. like no one cares as i care for many. i'm tired begging, im tired working my ass on building relationship with people. when will people fight for me? when will people get used to me?

saya lelah menunggu untuk dimengerti. saya lelah beradaptasi dan menarik semua kegembiraan saya untuk orang lain. awalnya saya tulus ingin menghidupkan suasana. tapi lama-lama saya sadar, cuma saya yang berusaha disini.
saya sering berfikir bagaimana jika saya pergi dari semuanya. bukan mati, saya belum siap bertemu Tuhan. saya cuma ingin mereka tidak memiliki saya lagi. saya lelah.tapi saya tidak pernah menunjukkannya di muka mereka. saya tidak pernah punya keinginan untuk membuat suasana sedih dan runyam bagi orang lain. siapapun itu.

this is my lowest and weakest point. and im still working my ass on to lift it up.





how can people not to stare me and ask if im ok?

they dont know weather im ok or not. i'll be be fine, anyway.



and now im trying my ass on being alone. not to share any single thing to any single one. having dependency on people makes you weak. and i hate myself for being weak. that weak.

please God... i wanna get outta this sad circle. i promise im gonna swim to the edge of this black-inked sadness sea. i hate being here.
iloveYou, Allah, for being THERE when no one else was. thankyou for listening and understanding and giving me great experiences.

idonthaveaboyf, idonthavesupercoolcampuslife, but im sure im gonna have a good personality so i can get trough anything really good. so i can stand&&still.

dreamcatcher: menjadi dokter

Saya ingin menjadi dokter, dan betapa pun itu terdengar membosankan, tapi saya berkeinginan untuk menjadi dokter. Kalau orang lain punya keinginan untuk menjadi dokter sejak TK, saya tidak, sehingga persiapan untuk menjadi dokter pun hampir nol. Nilai-nilai akademik saya biasa-biasa saja, namun saya cukup beruntung untuk bisa masuk ke sekolah unggulan di Jogja. Saya bahkan mungkin tidak termasuk 50% terbaik di kelas pada awalnya, namun saya tidak peduli. Toh buat saya saat itu, hidup bukan untuk sekedar nilai.

Sampai saat itu, Bude terdekat saya yang mengidap kanker payudara stadium lanjut harus bolak-balik rawat inap di rumah sakit. Saya yang saat itu masih menggunakan seragam putih biru sering datang untuk menjenguk beliau. Saat berada dirumah sakit, saya hanya terkagum-kagum oleh ramahnya dokter, perawat dan bahkan pasien-pasien sekitar yang kami temui. Bukannya sebagai tempat yang infectious, rumah sakit malah memberi banyak energi positif untuk saya. Saya rela menempuh perjalanan 10 menit dengan bis kota untuk mencapai rumah sakit dan menengok Bude saya.. Rasanya momen-momen tersebut sangat damai.

Tapi saat itu, saya masih ingin menjadi menejer perusahaan, dimana saya akan berpakaian modis dan bertemu banyak orang baru dan seru. What can be more fun than that?  Saya masih mengelak tentang menjadi dokter. Alasannya simple, menjadi dokter adalah impian semua orang dan saya malas bersaing dengan semua orang. Lagipula menjadi dokter terdengar membosankan, ratusan buku harus di khatamkan, bekerja dengan otak setiap saat. Tiring.

Dan angin itu berhembus. Angin kesedihan yang dibawa oleh berita kematian Bude yanti. Saat itu saya hanya terdiam dan tidak percaya. Bagaimana bisa secepat ini? Dan hari-hari pun berlalu berlalu seperti biasa. Sampai pada suatu ketika, saya teringat oleh semua kasih sayang Bude,  bagaimana peran Bude merawat saya saat  ayah dan ibu saya sibuk. Saya menangis tiap malam, menyesali betapa tak acuhnya saya pada Bude di detik-detik terakhir kesehatannya, sebelum Beliau koma selama hampir satu bulan.  I’ve had that sad moment for almost 3 months.

Dan saya memutuskan untuk menjadi dokter.

Lagipula, bukanya dokter sangat bermanfaat untuk orang lain? Saat yang lain sibuk membicarakan gaji, saya cukup dibayar oleh kepuasan pasien dan tanda terima kasih mereka. Atau mungkin saat tidak ada lagi yang menghargai pekerjaan saya, saya masih menjadi tangan bantuan dari Tuhan untuk penyembuhan umat Nya. Dan saya sangat suka membaca. Alasan apalagi yang saya butuhkan untuk menolak menjadi dokter? Ya, saat itu ada satu alasan; urusan akademik.

Memasuki SMA unggulan tidak membantu saya untuk mengingat tujuan utama saya disini. Bukanya belajar, saya malah sibuk mencari teman dan pengalaman. Sebenarnya saya tidak sepenuhnya lupa tujuan utama saya disini, namun saya lupa untuk berusaha menggapainya. Saya hanya sambil lalu mengikuti pelajaran, beberapa kali bolos, dan kehidupan saya hanya terisi dengan kegiatan extra dan berkumpul bersama teman-teman. Menyesal? Tidak. karna pada tahun ketiga, saya telah sepenuhnya sadar dan siap untuk menggapai mimpi saya. Sangat sulit mengubah kebiasaan untuk belajar dari bangun tidur sampai tidur lagi, mengingat saya bahkan tidak pernah belajar kecuali ketika exams week di tahun pertama dan kedua. Tapi ini demi mimpi saya. Semua orang meremehkan keinginan saya untuk menjadi dokter dari Universitas unggulan di Jogja. It’s bloody hell hard, they said. Tapi saya ingin itu, dan hanya itu, dan saya harus bisa mewujudkannya. Bahkan ketika saya diterima di universitas swasta dimana ayah saya mengajar, semua orang masih meremehkan saya. Mereka bilang itu nepotisme. Mereka nggak tau bagaimana saya khawatir dan belajar keras untuk ujian tersebut. Dan ketika saya gaga ldi seleksi undangan, saya hanya punya waktu 18 hari untuk persiapan seleksi tulis. Untungnya, saya tidak pernah benar-benar berhenti belajar, jadi memulai usaha keras bukan jadi PR besar. Menyiapkan mental dan optimism adalah tugas besar saya. Dan hari H ujian. Semuanya berjalan lancar kecuali sakit maagh yang datang. Saya sudah tidak peduli dengan hasilnya, karna saya sudah melakukan yang terbaik dan biar Allah yang menentukan.

Lalu pengumuman pun datang. Saya tidak siap gagal lagi… bismillahirrahmanirrahim. Saya buka dan …. Alhamdulillah saya diterima di fakultas kedokteran universitas negri terbaik disini. Dan ini bukan akhir dari mimpi saya. It’s a very beginning. Ini saatnya saya memulai perjalanan saya, dan juga mengingatkan orang lain untuk punya impian dan menghidupkannya, seperti yang saya lakukan. And I’ve been striving hard here, but always have a smile in the end of day. Karna sekarang, saya bisa berkata: I’m living my dreamJ now, would you?

met a passionate doctor

ditengah sibuknya kuliah, ditengah banyaknya tulisan abstrak yang harus dimengerti dan di hafalkan mati, kelas tutorial jadi salah satu kelas yang inspiratif buat aku. kita study kasus, walaupun masih dasar, tapi kita menyentuh realita dari penyakit-penyakit yang ada dan (masih) sederhana.
saat itu seorang dokter wanita membimbing kami. sepanjang diskusi kami, beliau hanya diam dan tampak tidak ekspresif. aku pikir, diskusi kelompok kami mungkin terlalu membosankan. tapi yasudah lah, mungkin banyak pasien yang kasusnya lebih menarik untuk dipikirkan daripada memikirkan diskusi kelompok kami. tapi pada akhir diskusi, saya jadi yakin kalau beliau mendengarkan, karna beliau mengutarakan pendapat tentang celotehan-celotehan kami mengenai kasus ini. beliau membagikan sedikit ilmunya kepada kami, menjawab pertanyaan-pertanyaan kami tersebut. mengetahui beliau menjawab dengan sangat lancar, saya curiga beliau sudah mengambil spesialis di bidang tersebut (genitary, aku pikir beliau spesiali kulit dan kelamin, atau obsgyn). ternyata beliau dari spesialis anak. iya, spesialis yang terkenal dengan dunia residennya yang keras. mendengar cerita kakak kelas tentang kehidupan-setelah-menjadi-dokter yang tak kalah beratnya daripada mengejar gelar S.ked, aku pikir, residen anak pasti jadi salah satu pintu 'siksaan' lainnya. kemudian aku tanya pada dokter tersebut.

"dok,spesialis anak susah ya?"

"kalau kamu suka sesuatu, semua pasti terasa menyenangkan dan ringan, kan?"

lalu mataku berbinar-binar, entah beliau menyadarinya atau tidak. one thing i dislike about medicine is that the people are too much into reality. they forget how to have a dream 'cs reality itself is just good enough to live in. mereka jadi terlalu saklek dan memandang pengalaman sebagai fakta mutlak. mimpi-mimpi saya hampir mati karna cerita tentang sulitnya kehidupan spesialis dan sekaligus susahnya kehidupan dokter umum. mungkin mahasiswa kedokteran terlalu sibuk dengan pelajarannya sehingga lupa untuk membaca buku-buku dengan genre selainkedokteran dan (sedikit) hiburan. hey, dunia itu luas, yang hebat itu JAUH lebih banyak daripada cuma dokter yang menyalurkan penyembuhan dari Allah. kenapa bangga berlebihan? mungkin banyakyang menganggap bahwa menjadi dokter sudah cukup oke untuk punya impian lain. menganggap bahwa sulitnya sekolah adalah realita yang tidak mungkin satu orang pun elakkan. rasanyajahat menyebarkan feeling-feeling buruk tentang sulitnya sekolah. mereka mematikan sayap-sayap mimpi saya. mereka bilang mimpi tidak cukup, padahal mimpi lah yang membawa saya lolos ke fakultas kedokteran terbaik se-Indonesia ini.


terimakasih, dok, untuk satu kalimat berharganya. saya harus bersyukur atas pengalaman ini. saya jadi punya positive thoughts tentang kampus dan kehidupan kesehatan; bahwa tidak semua orang disini mengejar sesuatu karna ingin semua yang terbaik, atau materi yang berlimpah, atau bahkan gengsi semata. masih ada orang yang punya pengalaman cukup banyak hingga mencapai spesialis dan masih memegang teguh passionnya:)

alhamdulillah