ok. this has been almost eight months that i've been here. all i can say is living my dream as a med student wasn't as easy as i thought. but doesn't mean it isn't worth it:)
at first, at every first moment in my life, i couldn't fit in. it was a huge barrier between my expectation and reality. there're smart asses outta here, they're as individualistic as i'd thought before. but, you know, it was something missing, i couldn't find what is it. i don't know, maybe they all are lack of passion. just maybe. because i didn't find any spirit of self-development, i didn't find any awesome vision, i didn't find the special things in most of my college friends. it's like.. am i alone here?
most of them just living the life by 24 hours, which isn't wrong at all. but it's just not me. i expected bunch of people that have huge dreams, and somehow encourage me to have a bigger dream and louder action towards it. but there isn't any.
well, it's a bit of reality here, but doesn't mean it's all people i've been talk about.
with block system, we're lack of spare time. seven years of learning is packed to be a three and half years of learning medical stuffs. isn't it super heavy? yes of course. so then i realized that it's normal to just busy with ur 24 when it's only all you've got. even putting ur ass on bed is a guilt sometimes.
then i gave up with those people. stupid i know. how could i give up with the people i should be working with forever? and i've been pushed to understand more about living here, about the real indonesian medical school and typical medical students.
they are all simple. they wanna help people, raise some money, have a good career on clinic or academic, live happily, die happily. it's normal.
and i found my self lack of encouragement and inspiration from those people. and once again, it's not that they're wrong. it's just me having a heavy expectation. i was upset with this fact but i tried to know more, to understand more. then i get involved in some kind of medical training here.
that was my turning back--likely.
i heard stories about great young doctors who have spirit to not only have a good life with their own, but also develop their selves, living the life into their fullest, and live beyond imagination. i'm not over-dramatic but it's true.
being a doctor itself is a service to people. so most of people think it's normal to doctor going across the very tiny district in Indonesia. but they don't know that it needs more than a good brain to survive there. doctors need to know how to interact with origin people, know their cultures, and most of all, know all the knowledge (well, a very basic one) of almost all of the specializing doctors. the lack of facilities, lack of connection to family and friends, and the lonesome feeling itself. but doctors forget it all only to do their duties. with or without money, they should go for patients. ah. i'm overwhelmed. by both of the happiness to help people and by the stuffs i should be mastering on. heavy.
i'm ashamed to think that go abroad, help people in africa, and all my dreams are big enough. because the fact is, there are very tiny number of doctors who want to help their own nation, their own Indonesia, for just few years, in tiny districts over Indonesia, outside Java. i wanna be on of them. i wanna go to Papua or Aceh or Nusa Tenggara Timur/Barat. i wanna see Indonesia closer. i wanna help people, more. i wanna be contented. amen.
but first of all, i should pass this exam with A grade. please please please Allah, grant my wish. and please people, pray for me. i need to get straight A for whole year!:) amen.
and i've just found out that not all of the people we put them first will likely put us as their first, we just have to accept that and change our priority toward them. it's such a waste, wanting people who don't really want you as you do. so i just let it be. i try my best to be the most independent version of me. not much egoistic but will be more selfish since putting people first gives much wounds. and im really thankful for the existence of Allah. it's such a HUGE bless for being a moslem. im also thankful for having nice friends here in college and some from my past. i'm really thankful that you guys are really nice to me and caring to me. thank you, guys.
after past years, i will just admit that i have a big, huge, intention to just write. i promise myself to write at least a book before turning 25. would you pray for me for this please? well, writing for ai magz isn't counted.
as Joko Anwar said, when you're on the down-est moment, all you can do is just lift it up. and i'm working my ass to lift my life, my grades, my self, just so i know that im not wasting the life Allah has given to me.
thanks for reading and have a nice month!
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