Connection

The Connections
Currently listening: Novo Amor – Weather
Mood: common cold
Content: personal thought, self-reflection, metaphor.

I love human. For what it is, I love human’s connection utmost. It’s beautiful to see how two heads, two minds, and two hearts meet, trying to both win and lose for their own egos and for the sake of the other one(s). I love seeing vulnerability of humans that sometimes can be seen by the way they’re boasting of themselves. I love seeing the sparkling eyes during a lively conversation, talking about the things they love. I love to feel the heart break, to realize how weak and vulnerable we’re as human. Human is as complicated, as messy, as crazy, as kind and as nice as they ought to be.

During the long holiday, I found back my love in human’s connection. The past kept coming back the present wanted to have a little while more, and the future asked my commitment. The human’s connection is not always about the relationship between a girl and a boy being in love, it can be about two girls, two boys, a group of boys and girls, the blood-tied connection, the not-so strangers connection, and all of the eyes-meet-eyes random connection we all ever had. It is as universal as it ought to be.

I didn’t have a great connection with other humans back then. I was bullied, hated, and rejected. I was heart broke my biggest love itself; the human connection. I was such a failure, I thought. I mean, how could I fail at the thing that I love the most? It was as disconcerting as it ought to be.

I thought I was in the best connection when I had this connection. I was all happy and crazy and I thought I was in my best when I was in this connection. But actually, this connection destructed me from the very inside, made me feel like I wasn’t worth it, like I was the ugliest inside-out as a person. The abusive connection that was more damaging than I thought it would be. It was as catastrophic as tempting as it ought to be. And I was trapped for almost six years in the same old circle.

I’ve ever been in a connection which I was treasure a lot. This connection helped me through my darkest bit in my life. I couldn’t lose this one, I thought. I did all I could to have a working connection with this person, but as I walked by, I felt like this connection weren’t really working any longer. It wasn’t disconnected or something, but it seemed like the current wasn’t mutual in some ways. I wanted to keep this connection as long as possible, I ought this connection a lot more than I could ever pay back. But then once again, the tide wasn’t good.

It was a magical connection with the random person I never thought I would ever be with. It helped me with my own metaphorical dream. It was as magical as having an existence and an extinction in a blink of an eye. I thought I would never feel that way for twice, and I never did nor I thought I’d need. Because sometimes, being magical means becoming illusions too.

I love the color of grey, and I thought it would be great to have a grey connection. The problem was, grey wasn’t a true color. It was in between black and white. It could be easily biased by the amount of the opposite colors that was into it. And in between that unsettling color, I was giving up that connection.

There were connections which I was both so intimidated with and challenged too. They were as toxic as great as they were. They were a two-side knife which I didn’t know how to use it yet.

And I thought I was in the right balanced good connection when I realized I was a broken wire that could no longer serve a merely connection. The stream was too great I couldn’t handle. I was suffocated but then I survived by turning off the connection. I was too tired to even just bear with it.

There was one of the unforgiven connection which made me collapse, literally and figuratively. This connection I thought would be the easy one, the smooth one, but then it turned to be loathing; it made me doubt my own judgment and it ruined my life in months. I didn’t even believe my own mind-convo and it ruined my connection with myself somehow. This connection didn’t want to know my own capacity, I was so overwhelmed back then. I was intendedly cut the connection but it kept coming, it kept rushing the wave, it kept pushing me into my limit, and I was bursting into pieces.

 Until this very second, I cannot forgive myself for being in such a wasting connection. The connection I’ve never wanted in the first place, the connection I unexpectedly connect with, the connection that manipulate my life in months. I refrained myself for months, for the connection that did me no good at all, and now tell me how could I forgive myself, then?

A ghostly connection gave me the best high. It was like a treasure box in the deep sea which I could swim into but I need to be really calculated and careful too. Well, it was all worth it. like a ghost, it haunted me in the night, midnight to be exact, near morning. I was seduced by my own kind of hypnotic spell, I was in high unexpectedly, and I could say I got it enough.

They were good connections I had too that I just thought I didn’t want any longer. Not because connection was bad, but because the stream was not in the same harmony anymore. Or it may sing the same song but the output wasn’t sync. The disconnections could be just as simple as that.                                                                                            
There were also the connections that weren’t worth more than just few seconds. They were shown in the history but had no value more than just a quantity.

With the bad connections, there were also good connections. I was in such great connections when I can get up on my own feet when I was almost forget how to stand up. I was so excited even just to cherish the moment of that supportive and inspiring connections. I was lucky to have such a funny and easy going connections. There were unexpectedly great deep connections that I would never think of and could never lose. And I cannot be more thankful for having such loving, caring and patient connections during my ups and downs.

Well the thing is, I invest a lot in people, more than I should. With the great return, there comes a great risk; I fully understand that. I’ve let people broke me down into tiny little pieces, but there are people who helped me brush off my wounds, healed my pain, and took me into happy places. There were connections that let me grow bigger and better, more than I thought I could and I would.
I handpicked my own connections so it’s hard to forgive the disconnection I connected with at the first place. But as I believe in the great risk along with the great return, I also believe that the optimistic and positive connections I’ve had now are there because a lot of the disconnections I once had. I know what I want and what I don’t want, I know what I need and what I don’t need, I know what I can fight and I should let go.

I’m a truly fighter. I have faith in connection and I can risk almost all of I have for that. I am as naïve as stupid yet as optimistic as I ought to be. It led to the great great disappointments too but I thought they were worth it.  Well, they are truly worth it.

Human connection is an art of the uncertainty. And actually, only with and trough God we can have a good and secured lasting connection.