the bittersweet of a failure

back in Januari, I had such a huge exam, let's call it an acting exams of being such a good doctor. it wasn't that i didnt prepare enough; i studied from 10 am to around 5 pm, then i studied at home till i was about to sleep. i did that for around two weeks. personally, maybe that amount of time wasn't enough for me. But overall, i can't say that i wasn't prepared enough.
Then the day. i am a person who may lack of confident. my mom often told me: jadi orang yang pede dong dek.. kok nggak pede gitu sih (in short: be such a confident person..). for example, in eleentary school, i checked the calendar over  and over again because my uniforms change each day, i was afraid that i used the wrong uniform. ok that one example of long long time ago. my confident hasn't boost much lately. so about this huge exam, i was soooo anxious. i was afraid of my self, i doubted my self and all.

the day. i was sure i was prepared enough... until i met a supervisor who didn't talk at all and didn't look at me when i was talking about the answer etc etc. my confidence level drops into minus. i was ready to burry myself and i couldn't wait to get out of the room, i didn't care about it. and after that room, i got into another room, which the supervisor was really nice and i was about to make a perfect act. but that perfection-thought killed me, i talked too much and thought a lot so i didn't really make it.

i was so devastated. i cried day and night for almost 3 days. I never failed at things. Not because i'm so goddamn great, but it's because i will not do anything if i wasn't sure i could and i would give my best into it. and i did my best, i thought. but things didn't turn out like what i wanted.
then the day of 3, i got the worst stomachache ever. i cried because it hurt so much. the a doctor examined me in my bed, and se asked me: what are you stressing about? and gave me anti-spasm and antacid.

i didn't know that i could have that bad stomachache just because i was so sad about this test. i mean, i know about psychosomatic stuffs but idk if that could be THIS bad and I could get that. after that, my parents talked to me, the told me that everything will be just fine, they're fine with whatever the result is, and all. that helped me so much. really. one of my biggest dream is to make my parents happy and proud of me. their opinion is so important for me. and it was like a huge rocks lifted from my back. And then that moment i only focused to prepare my Umrah trip.

after Umrah, i got minor stomachache again remembered that the day of annaucement was so close. a day before the annoucement, i got a dream told me that i didn't make it. i only pass seven of nine stages while the passing grade was to pass eight of nine. in that morning i was waking up in confussion. could it be a sign?

then the day. i didn't make it. i was only pass seven of nine stage, as my dream told me. i was so sad. i felt like a failure. i don't wanna make my parents worry about me. i don't wanna re-do the exams just because i wasn't sure also whether i could pass that or not. etc. etc. etc.
but to be truth, i wasn't sad for such a long time. maybe for a day, or half a day. or when a friend im-ed me and told she was sad too. or when i was envious looking at a picture with hospital settings. but not like the days after i did the exam.

maybe it's because i had done Umrah which i was so dreaming about since 6-7 years ago. maybe because i bought A LOT of good books. maybe because i have such supporting parents. maybe because i had plan about it. maybe because i've got friends left also. but idk, i thought it wasn't right to be so devastated about one thing like i didn't get any blessing at all.

about the academic stuffs: got awesome GPA, i've got a straight As for this last semester (while on the other semesters, my biggest achievement was only a few semester who got no B), done the thesis defence in September which was a bit early compared to the rest of students, done the school for three and half year.
i don't know why i should sad about one thing when i've got MUCH blessings.

and then i see this not as a failure. i see this as Allah giving me a lot more time to do whatever i wanna do. i could USE this time or WASTE this as i want, but the point is, Allah gives me this 4 months of free time for me. and alhamdulillah, i've got few plan to work on those upcoming months, insyaAllah :)

i was anxious whether i could pass the next exam or not but, i am BIGGER than my fears. Allah is even The Greatest of all. i know where my dream is so i know i have to break my fears, i have to work hard, i  have to believe in my self in order to succeed that. and i keep praying so Allah will bless my wish and grant that. bismillah:)

And, eventhough i have many failures in relationships, but:
I'm so thankful that i ended up my previous relationships. i am so thanful i hadn't committed to long-term relationship to anyone so far. at the time like this, i need a space to grow, and i hadn't find the right man to grow with. the problem is, in relationship, you couldn't be so selfish or to think only about yourself. you need to let go some of you to fit in, thus i can't grow with that circumtance.
some of my friends often told me: you're too picky. but why can't i be picky if i was about to choose the leader of my upcoming days? why can't i be picky if i'm a kind of person who's ready to work hard and sacrify everything to be his woman? i need someone who will work harder than i do, that has bigger vision than i do,  who can take care of me at my best and at my worst. and if i cant find that person just now, it's not a big deal. i'd rather to be alone that to be with wrong person. and i'm not the one who want to repeat the same old mistake over again :)

Ended That Way

i need few weeks to finally write things out. i didn't  feel like i have to, but deep down, i felt like i need to write things. this blog has been my public diary for years; it's a diary that let me writing personal things yet i still should be fully aware of any readers.

i never felt like i need to tell people about this, but then i met lots lots of friends and they kept talking about things like relationship and talked as if i was a happy girlfriend of someone etc etc. at first i was ok, i mean, explaining to them would be much harder than just smiling around, i thought. but then it wasn't. i'm a brutally-honest person.

i told them i broke up. i saw faces of expressions; some were surprised when the rest were kinda 'i sort of know it but i'll let you explain yourself.' i thought i was fine. i thought it was the right time to tell 'em, but then i felt the ache again. i never know it would be that way, i mean, i thought i'd feel better when i told the truth.

but then i remember about all the messed up things. and the ache came.

i knew from the very first time i wasn't sure about the idea of 'us'. but i thought: i was young, i didn't know what i truly expect from a person, a partner to be exact, or what i want from a relationship. i was happy, the feeling was real, all the laugh and tears genuinely came from the heart. but what i learnt from the last one was, feelings alone wasn't enough.

to be truth, to decide to break up wasn't easy at all. it was my comfort zone. it was nice to be someone's girlfriend, and he's kind. but deep down, i knew, that it wasn't, he wasn't for me. if i wanted to, i could stay in my comfort zone, in that comfort zone, for a lil bit more. or a lot more. but i couldn't. I couldn't lie to myself that all the feeling wasn't got beaten my all the realities.

i was so sad that i got numb. why did i start things when i knew i was never sure about this? when i knew that at some point we could break one another? why was i too naive? i thought it would be like any other regular kind of coupl-ish thingies but then it cost a heartbreak which was so devastating at first. even so, i was more devastated when i was about to decide to break up than when the break up occured itself. i thought about it a lot, i gave us time, then i totally gave up.
i can't lie to myself thatt i was tired of fighting for the idea of 'us'.


in the end, i stop regretting all the things i'd decided in the past and start to accept things as it is: that maybe it happened for right reasons, that i should learn from it, that then i know what i want and what i don't want from a relationship, what i look for in a partner, what's the essential things in relationship and all.

i was sooo tired of the break up that i'm planning that i would never have another break up ever again. means that i should have a relationship only if i am fully into it, only if i am sooo in love with the guy, with the relationship, with all the x y z factors that i would fight for it, hard.

actually, this was the first real relationship i've had. i mean, the previous ones were all-egoistic things all around. but this one, i was being more patient, forgiving, understanding, and all. i was ready to melt a half to collide into one, but then i realized that this wasn't worth it, for some personal reason, that i didn't wanna do more than this. eventhough i go on further, even if i could handle that once, i knew things would end up for the reasons i knew and kept for myself.

'but you look so fine. i never saw it coming.'
'why should i put the negative things on show? why should i let people know my insecuritites and my worries?'

and actually, eventhough i seem like to know what i was doing, know what i am doing, actually, i dont know if i really do/did the right thing or not, if i make/made a good decision or not, if i have and hadput enough thoughts on it or not, and all.
so i just pray, i pray a lot to God to bless any kind of feelings and thoughts that i have, so i could go on another day better than today, even if i did wrong at the very first place. even if it was a mistake to end things up  i pray that the upcoming things would be so wonderful in the way that only God knows, in the way that i couldn't even imagined a bit of it. aamiin.

i know that i need to post this before i post things about 2014/2015 thingies. till this very second, i'm still reassuring myself that it's the best thing to do. that i do the right thing. i don't wanna get back to any of my ex. i don't wanna redo the same mistakes i have done and i know i would do.
i need to learn to stand on my own, because sometimes if it can't be most of the time: it's better to be alone than to be with wrong person. even it's in such a harddd moment like this month. it was such a big thing for me that i can't go on another chapter without embracing that.


i don't know how, but somehow, the previous relationship gave me kind of happiness but sucked out my energy for such positivity. i don't know whether it was because the last few weeks were disastrous for me or anything else, but after i was done with the freakin-sad moment, i was kinda relieved 'cause i finally have time for my self in such great vibe i had never felt that way in the last few months. can't we miss ourselves?:)

so i thought started from now i could write things about my 2015. i have LOTS of plans in this year, i can finally remember what i once wanted, and i have lots of energy about that. eventhough it would be SO much easier to have another arm for me, but i still have to go on with what i've decided and learn to stand on my own. bismillah, bless me dear Allah.:)



see you soon, then? xx.

:)

one little thing

i once promised myself to stop writing anything personal here. i even wanted to make this blog private bcs i want to make another blog which contains the writing materials i used to write for my online magazine back then. i missed writing about lifestyle, current trend, tips&tricks. i read so much that i have an urge to share it back. i even had bought a diary so i dont need to write out here (should be). plus, i've got my fellas outta there, i thought, who need t owrite anything personal, here?

but i was wrong.

sometimes the only one i could hold on into is myself. sometimes i cannot count on anyone. why should others concern about me as if they hadnt had enough stuffs in mind? they have busy life already.

writing in a diary; i used to do that since elementary school till high school. i write things, so much. almost each day. but it's not like writing a blog. in a blog, even it's almost no one outta there who read it, i act like there is anyone, or a bunch of people who read it. i write not only about the things i feel, but something that i finally could learn about. just so the reader not only read about the days of my life , but they got something over here.

and there is the time, when i thought i'm gonna be fine, but then i'm not. i thought i could do that, but the fact i am hardly believe in myself. i thought i could pass this, but the fact is, i dont know how to face another day.

this week, i sleep a lot. in the night i sleep almost 9-10 hours, in the noon i sleep for 1-3 hours. i wish i could getting numb by the time i woke up, but i didn't. i wish i could pause the time the moment i slept, but the fact is the time's still running right after i opened my eyes.

it's not something so bad. i just have that kind of thing. one bad thing happens. i ignore it. then things get worse and i remember all the bad things as if i dont deserve all the good things. this is the time when i usually tell sandy. to help me feel better. but long story, she's not currently available.

i know how it feels to be miserable and alone so i try mybest to be a good company for anyone, though not everyone knows how to be one, or even have a slight willingness to try to be one.

i know. i know i can get up on my own feet. i know i have God Who will help me. but going through this before the sun comes up is just not easy. and i know, it's kind of mind trick, i could make it bigger or smaller only with my mind. but.. i almost have no energy to do that.

but you know, i have the largest source of energy called Allah. so i think i'm gonna be fine, in time:)

just found out

"However, love isn’t a one-time deal — for some it may be, but for most people, it takes a couple of tries to find someone who will meld together with them into each other’s perfect puzzle piece. And don’t get me wrong, it’s not because you didn’t love all of the previous people you fell in love with, but it’s because you didn’t exactly fit together. Think of them as that puzzle piece we tried to pair up together because it looked like they would fit, and maybe one part of the piece clicked, but no matter how hard we tried, not its entirety.

Love isn’t just a matter of feeling. It’s a matter of circumstance. Many people have stated that timing is everything, but I believe circumstance is that umbrella which encompasses timing, personal development, and personal stability.

No matter how much you love someone, if their career takes them away, if they’re struggling personally and financially, or if you’re both simply adjusting into two different phases of life, it will most likely not work out or it will be extremely difficult to see eye-to-eye or even spend time with each other. To put it simply, if you can’t keep yourself afloat, stable, or happy just yet, you won’t really have the time to fully cherish someone else in your life.

There are times in life where regardless of how in love you are, the circumstances don’t add up to keep each other in your lives. The circumstances have to be right: when you’re mature enough to handle the commitment, the conflicts and the differences in a relationship, and also when you’re stable enough to have the freedom to dedicate your time, money, and efforts to making another person happy. You have to love yourself first, love your life second, and only then can you fully love and commit to another person and maintain a healthy, long-lasting relationship. "

the most academically-dense months

10th june: exam

23rd june: exam

2nd july : exam

and im studying for about 7-10 days before the exams. almost a month straight of studying from waking up in the morning to the night sleep. 

and then thesis revision and completing the whole thesis.

and then  practical exam called osce.

and then thesis defense (crossing fingers)

this is gonna be worth it. this is gonna be worth it. 

plot-twist in 2014

it's almost a half of the year and i've been trough the ups and downs i've never gotten in the past. i am fully thankful to Allah who gave me this kind of thrills that i never expected before. but to be truth, living day by day, wondering, praying, enjoying and also being surprised of what's coming isn't that easy, and that's what makes my life seems wonderful.

family: there was a point in early 2014 that i thought, my family was perfect. perfect as individuals and as a whole. but then turned out i saw the flaws both in the persons and the connections between us. it wasnt easy to finally realize that it's pretty much normal to have family with a lot of flaws, though there's nothing perfect in the whole world. and i finally realized, that in the imperfections of themselves, in their struggling to make a good family, they will always be my best support system. ever.

friends: years ago, i was in the lowest point of what-so-called friendship. i lost my faith on that, i hate those things, and all. but slowly, it's all gone by the comings of my best friends in high school. did they try to change me? not explicitly. i was just feel loved that i felt like i have a strength to fix myself. then i finally could believe in other human. but the things got little messy in the end of 2013, which made me a bit shattered. so in the early 2014 i was about to lose all the connections with friends. i was so arrogant that i thought i could live alone. but the fact was, i was really miserable living that life. then that was the time i once talked to my best friend, said anything i held back, and felt relieved. that was the time i finally realized that, the real best friend is one of the God's biggest blessings in life. the one that i should take care of.

love: i was sooo focused on myself and others that i thought i had least care on the lovey dovey thingies, until my life broke all in once, in the not-so-early 2014. then that was the guy who had always been there, the one that no matter how ugly i treated him, he still stayed. and i realized that he may the only guy who could do that. who could be nice and all without me being insecure of his existence. then after a lot of disconnections, i tried, again. and soon after i took that decision, i felt the same, old, disconnection i always had with him. it's not something about him, nor something about me (as i always questioning this to Sandy: why i always failed in a realtionship?). it was something between us that is just not connected. im such an idealistic. however how stupid it sounds, i believe there would be someone who i could bear with no matter what, just because i feel connected. some poet may call it chemistry. so i thought, i should let him know and try to let go, let go of himself, let go of the future image of us being happy, someday (cs i thought we both would eventually change and be connected). then i felt a bit frustrated of failing again. and since i dont know when, someone comes along. :)

academic, career, future: i've always had solid image in my mind about the future me. not until i talked about this with a person few days ago, not until i saw a tedx video, that i realized, that the thing we imagined now about 5 years or 10 years later may be not relevant with the future 'now' anymore. that the ability to imagine the future is the prove of human's lacking of imagination, bcs we may fail to imagine the real us in the next 10 years, said the tedx video. this year, is the year i felt really energized, and hopeless, and full of visions, and failed, and all. i was feel like i was so helpless... this semester i finally realized that im no longer holding cumlaude gpa and how hard it is to raise it. this broke all my future-self imagination. i had the spirit, then i failed, i burnt out. i felt like i've done all the things i could do but still, the result wasnt as good as i wanted. but then i prayed, a lot. i read the positive essays/articles of struggling and getting back from failing, and all. not too much, but i try the best to surround myself wih the hard work environment. even it's only zero poin something, i finally got my gpa raised. it's a bit enlightening for me. and about my undergraduate thesis, i was being promised to have the proposal seminar in the early feb, then it was held on until april/mei, then it was cancelled 6 hours before we presented. i almost cried. i'd done 2 revisions by that date, and i was so prepared. i was really dissapointed, until i finally presented my proposal in Mei and i felt like one of the huge rocks on my back was gone. and then i saw my friends one by one did the final thesis seminar. 

it's like this academic/school thingies is a long marathon i should win every lap. (should I, really?) :)

i feel really blessed to survived all the ups and downs, being helped by the family and friends over here, and being calmed down by the prayers i sent or by the way they're sent back to me. :)