Ended That Way

i need few weeks to finally write things out. i didn't  feel like i have to, but deep down, i felt like i need to write things. this blog has been my public diary for years; it's a diary that let me writing personal things yet i still should be fully aware of any readers.

i never felt like i need to tell people about this, but then i met lots lots of friends and they kept talking about things like relationship and talked as if i was a happy girlfriend of someone etc etc. at first i was ok, i mean, explaining to them would be much harder than just smiling around, i thought. but then it wasn't. i'm a brutally-honest person.

i told them i broke up. i saw faces of expressions; some were surprised when the rest were kinda 'i sort of know it but i'll let you explain yourself.' i thought i was fine. i thought it was the right time to tell 'em, but then i felt the ache again. i never know it would be that way, i mean, i thought i'd feel better when i told the truth.

but then i remember about all the messed up things. and the ache came.

i knew from the very first time i wasn't sure about the idea of 'us'. but i thought: i was young, i didn't know what i truly expect from a person, a partner to be exact, or what i want from a relationship. i was happy, the feeling was real, all the laugh and tears genuinely came from the heart. but what i learnt from the last one was, feelings alone wasn't enough.

to be truth, to decide to break up wasn't easy at all. it was my comfort zone. it was nice to be someone's girlfriend, and he's kind. but deep down, i knew, that it wasn't, he wasn't for me. if i wanted to, i could stay in my comfort zone, in that comfort zone, for a lil bit more. or a lot more. but i couldn't. I couldn't lie to myself that all the feeling wasn't got beaten my all the realities.

i was so sad that i got numb. why did i start things when i knew i was never sure about this? when i knew that at some point we could break one another? why was i too naive? i thought it would be like any other regular kind of coupl-ish thingies but then it cost a heartbreak which was so devastating at first. even so, i was more devastated when i was about to decide to break up than when the break up occured itself. i thought about it a lot, i gave us time, then i totally gave up.
i can't lie to myself thatt i was tired of fighting for the idea of 'us'.


in the end, i stop regretting all the things i'd decided in the past and start to accept things as it is: that maybe it happened for right reasons, that i should learn from it, that then i know what i want and what i don't want from a relationship, what i look for in a partner, what's the essential things in relationship and all.

i was sooo tired of the break up that i'm planning that i would never have another break up ever again. means that i should have a relationship only if i am fully into it, only if i am sooo in love with the guy, with the relationship, with all the x y z factors that i would fight for it, hard.

actually, this was the first real relationship i've had. i mean, the previous ones were all-egoistic things all around. but this one, i was being more patient, forgiving, understanding, and all. i was ready to melt a half to collide into one, but then i realized that this wasn't worth it, for some personal reason, that i didn't wanna do more than this. eventhough i go on further, even if i could handle that once, i knew things would end up for the reasons i knew and kept for myself.

'but you look so fine. i never saw it coming.'
'why should i put the negative things on show? why should i let people know my insecuritites and my worries?'

and actually, eventhough i seem like to know what i was doing, know what i am doing, actually, i dont know if i really do/did the right thing or not, if i make/made a good decision or not, if i have and hadput enough thoughts on it or not, and all.
so i just pray, i pray a lot to God to bless any kind of feelings and thoughts that i have, so i could go on another day better than today, even if i did wrong at the very first place. even if it was a mistake to end things up  i pray that the upcoming things would be so wonderful in the way that only God knows, in the way that i couldn't even imagined a bit of it. aamiin.

i know that i need to post this before i post things about 2014/2015 thingies. till this very second, i'm still reassuring myself that it's the best thing to do. that i do the right thing. i don't wanna get back to any of my ex. i don't wanna redo the same mistakes i have done and i know i would do.
i need to learn to stand on my own, because sometimes if it can't be most of the time: it's better to be alone than to be with wrong person. even it's in such a harddd moment like this month. it was such a big thing for me that i can't go on another chapter without embracing that.


i don't know how, but somehow, the previous relationship gave me kind of happiness but sucked out my energy for such positivity. i don't know whether it was because the last few weeks were disastrous for me or anything else, but after i was done with the freakin-sad moment, i was kinda relieved 'cause i finally have time for my self in such great vibe i had never felt that way in the last few months. can't we miss ourselves?:)

so i thought started from now i could write things about my 2015. i have LOTS of plans in this year, i can finally remember what i once wanted, and i have lots of energy about that. eventhough it would be SO much easier to have another arm for me, but i still have to go on with what i've decided and learn to stand on my own. bismillah, bless me dear Allah.:)



see you soon, then? xx.