Inside my bag

This is what i've been carrying on my school bag ( or campus bag?) 

1. Classic faux leather tote bag in black. Moms' treasure♥

2. Mineral bottle. Prevent dehydration!!!

3. Purse. $$

4. Books; agenda and lecture notes (love them much they're sooo cute!)

5. Rukuh. My prayer stuff in pink color <3

6. Pencil case. 

7. A little pocket to keep some stationaries like post-it, tiny notes, flashdisk, etc.

8. Another little-but-bigger pocket to carry some kind of cosmetics or female life saving like tissue, hand sanitizer, etc. 

Plus textbooks and lab coat on another bag. Yes i carry 2 bags. Daily. Or one superbig backpack.

Whats yours?:)

weekend, finally!

that's my kind of days lately due to block exams. honestly, this block was exhausted. not-so-good grades but it thought i deserved it. i mean, look, i didnt study as hard as the previous block due to horrible time management i had, i wasnt ready for that much of works. well.....

but anyway, i thought a lot about myself, also, lately. i had a one disastrous moment few weeks ago. i've had lost my faith on certain things, certain people, and that disastrous moment crashed it one more time. i almost had nothing left. well i have a detachment theory of myself. i was bullied by my own bestfriends since i was in elementary school. it's not that i am now not being friends with them. but really, i cant just forget that. i lost my faith on myself. im insecure about almost anything. and i hardly trust people now.

and now, every time i get hurt, i wouldn't let that person do it further, so i detach with that person. even for any kind of small mistake. i realized that the reason i got hurt was because i was too attached with that person. so i decided to put a space, one step, two step, three step, and further to prevent any major wound in the future. i thought it was a right thing to do, to give up on other easily, until i realized something...
that maybe i also hurt someone else before, a small, unintended one, but really really hurt that person, and that person decided to forgive me and forget about it instead. unlike me that hard to forgive, even forget a tiny little mistake that others had done to me, without them knowing what they've done wrong.

i know this isnt right. but i can do nothing. i dont know how to restore the faith. i just dont know.
im sorry.

and since my days off had begun, welcome to pretty, healthy, nice, free, relaxing days ahead!

Paradox of the day

Siang itu panas banget. Aku masih menunggu puluhan detik lampu merah untuk berganti. Aku melihat sekeliling dan melihat puluhan keranjang warnawarni diikatkan pada sepeda onthel bagian belakang. Lalu aku mengerakkan bolamataku, memperluas pandanganku, menemukan puluhan burung burung gereja yang telah diwarnai.
Entah, aku hanya memikirkan: berapa sih yang bapak ini dapat? Seberapa cukup sih uang itu untuk hidupnya dan keluarganya? Apakah ia pernah terpikir untuk berlibur sejenak?

Lalu beberapa detik kemudian aku mulai memikirkan burung-burung itu. Apakah mereka nyaman? Apakah tidak apa membiarkan mereka diberi zat pewarna, dan bukanya membiarkan warna asalnya memikat para calon pembeli? Pantaskah hewan liar dikandangkan lalu diperjualbelikan? Apakah itu memang salah satu takdir burung liar? Aku asumsikan orang tersebut tidak berternak melainkan menangkap burung liar.

Lalu aku kembali memperluas pandanganku, ia menghisap rokoknya dalam; orang yang berada pada kemudi sepeda onthel itu. Apakah ia sadar, bahwa pundi-pundi rupiah yabg ia kumpulkan bisa terbakar habis oleh penyakit yang ia ciptakan sendiri? Bagaimana jika ia cukup pintar utk mengerti risiko dari rokok, akankah itu mengubah keadaan? Padahal ia naik sepeda kemana-mana menjual burung-burung tersebut, kebiasaan yang sehat bukan?

Menjelang pergantian warna lampu, ia mengayuh sepeda, tak ingin ketinggalan lampu hijau yang juga akan segera berganti. Peluhnya terlihat menetes. Aku melihat kerja keras yang sia-sia dalam satu manusia dalam beberapa detik saja.

Productive Saturday

I had a rough week. Not only this week but the previous one was also rough. Pulmonary and  Cardiovascular Complaint block in 5 weeks is just tooooooo heavy. So in the middle of doing homeworks, i seek for happiness; watch organizing&back to school supplies videos on youtube. Im so much obsessed wih organizing i bought soooo many agenda, labels, highlighters, and all just to be organized. I also love decorating which really connected wih organized stuffs. So after i watched like 5 or 10 videos of organizing tips, this mornig i started my organizing project. I had my major organizing project once when i read the happiness project. It tells the  importance of tidy up the room, make more spaces, etc. I was really inspired so i tidy up my boxes, my desk, and all in my room including my closet. It was a major one so what i did this morning was just a little thing.

I whased 5 of my shoes, tidy up 3 racks, and even paint my own box so it'd look good. Im soooooooooooo happpy that i could do soo much thing in like 2 or 3 hours, feeling so much productive and love my room even more. I planned to go out to study but then i feel like i'll more comfortable in my room (plus i dont need to pay 20k to have a coffee which i can make myself).

Really. It feels really good to have some organizing project for urself!:)

well.

Smart girls are the overthinkers, the insecure ones, the different ones. They know what the real 

world is like. They analyze every little thing in life. Why? To avoid getting hurt. To find happiness. 

They stay up at night trying to think about every possible situation to get through all the problems. 

They think too much. They trust fewer people. Their insecurity proves their respect toward 

themselves. Of course they try to live away from a drama-filled life. Smart girls know their worth. 

Now those are the ones worth keeping by your side.

many things happens but none to write

i think the tittle says it all. i dont feel any kind of emotion lately.i have plans, plenty of it, and im working on it. that's where my heart is. not on people, not on situation, not on past, nor on future. im doing what's im looking at.

liar.

i obviously have many things in my mind but i dont wanna destruct anything right now. i wanna be peaceful at the moment. i dont think anything that makes me worry. well i think about it but i always try to get rid of it.

it's near December, my other favorite month! :)

hello, midnight shadow!:)

hello midnight shadow.
i miss you.
you slipped in my dream last night and we talked like we used to. why didnt you see me when im awake?

i remember when i knew you at first time. you asked few things. you were another stranger i met at the certain time. i never expected that you could be one of those guys that i could really talk to. we told story about past and present, also nearly future. we talked about our anxiety and expectation. we talked about personal things even we'd known only for such a short amount of time. i felt like nothing to lose; you're shadow, you aint real, you're like my treasure box; you kept my things, my stories, even the darkest and the brightest one at that moment.

but no, we didnt talk that much, actually. we only have midnight; when i was awake, when you were coming. and you know what midnight does to human brain? it leads to our deepest thoughts. so i only talked about deep things, which for me was really really good (but maybe for you it's boring). i forgave you for being only a shadow, 'cause you're the only one i could talk to about that kind of things.

i remember when we talked about some kind of movies and i asked you about your favorite movie;that movie. when i only remembered about Kate Winslet plus her total red hair and the running-from-one-frame-to-another scenes,  you remembered about the whole things.
"i dont get that movie. what does that movie mean? why dont they go back together if the love's still there?" i remember that kind of question i asked to you. the investigative and specific and mind-fckin question that may annoy most of guys. because it's tooo stupid to be asked about.

"you know, that maybe, past is good but that destructing, it can hurt a person that much."
i didnt even expect you to answer that much of question in such beauty and brief words.
and i couldn't differ whether you talked about that movie or about yourself.

i remember when we talked about some good music and i asked you about your favorite music and you named an indie band that i rarely heard about. you named a specific band and a song. you told me why you loved that music. and i cant remember when was the last time i listened to that song and not remembering about you.

well actually it's not about what movie you've seen, not about what music you've listened. it's you that have a really specific answer for all my questions.

most of girls know what they really want. like a mascara from NYX, or a cheese cake around the city, or that light brown ankle boots, or a plain pink sweater that have a little detail on the neck. girls are that specific. but it doesnt work on average guys. guys are really specific on the things they specifically like. usually, it's not including naming a specific music and the movie they love. you surprised me once again.

i could put down my book right before exams when i was talking with you. talking with you brought me to my favorite scene on drama movies; to talk about anything with not-so-known guy. (and compared to exams preparation... well.)

and how you showed up when the sun was still high once in a while, i was really happy.

i remember how you said you were tired, but i knew you had your heart on your tribe. i predicted that now you lead them somehow, i could see how much you put your love on that tribe. and on your family. and on your closest guys. but not on yourself.

i always wanted to see you happy. you deserved that. for all the things you did to your tribe and your family. you deserved someone who could make your day a whole lot brighter
and i knew from the very first time that it wasnt me.
even it broke me to the pieces.

we lived in different kind of world. you were more comfortable living in your own world and i aint the one who wanted to move out. i knew that the time i had with you was only present; you wouldn't remember me as your past and absolutely wouldn't consider myself in your future.
fate is fate. fate will set us into a perfect timing and perfect place, if it wants us to be so.
but it didnt.

so you left and i let go.
i didnt believe in myself, i adored you that much i couldnt even see myself fail to make you happier.


"im glad you can stop yourself from falling for him. 'cause if you fall, i bet you fall so hard for him."

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spoiler for my upcoming writing project :)