pages to pages

firstly i wanna say: im legal.

finally i'm an eighteen years old woman. ha ha ha. im happy, really! not just because i had the best birthday in lifetime (thanks for the 24 hours of surprises, friends&family!), but also i thought that eighteen is sexy:)

being an eighteen means im fully legal to do almost everything. my chances are wide open. i'm so much excited about how 18 can changes myself into a mature one. well i even cut my hair into a shorty-bob one. it turns out really good i dont lie. i feel really sophisticated to have a short black hair with side-pony contrasts with my kuning langsat skin:-)

alhamdulillah. terimakasih Allah untuk kepercayaan atas 18 taun ini. You means everything to me!

i promise im gonna do blog about my birthday (it's awesome really really awesome!) but you know, it's not my type to blog events. i'm a feeling person--ok that's not grammatically right. i mostly blog about my feelings, right? (now i sound so much melancholic.)

the first week im being an eighteen is awesome. it's also the week that Ramadhan comes. i love Ramadhan. i have my own Ramadhan goals to keep in mind that i have to do really really huge good deeds in this month. i'm not gonna do break-fasting outta home too much as i did last last year. i wanna focus on praying to God. it's like in mecca, right? people want to do only pray and pray. only to do what Allah likes. i've never been there, i haven't got chance to. so it's like a training for me. bismillah, may Allah bless me this Ramadhan:)

some website i usually open during my ramadhan:

islamic-quotes.com and productivemuslim.com

really helpful!:)

i'm a random person. i like travelling a lot. and i like experiencing new things. that makes me not-so-focused but at least im happy to grab experiences in a time. now i found my passion on writing, and communicating to people and a bit art. but why didnt i take the major of  any of them all? because im not so sure:) if i take psychology, i probably not so focused to, if i take communication, the same thing will happen to me. so it's better  to take medicine so it pushes me to be more focused, even it means i have to let go some chances and fun things outta there. but hey, medical lectures are super fun too! i really like them all, i feel like a so much refreshed everytime i walk out of the class. it always amazes me how a body can be super amazing. nothing compares that.

:)

but if it isnt medical, it probably psychology or communication.

but Allah puts me here, medical faculty of the best Uni in town. what could i ask for more? it's been a blessing:)

last year, senior year, was a tough one. i slept only for 4 hours a day for 2 months. 5 hours a day for other 2 months. and the rest i had 6 hours of sleep. i even go to UKS when i feel really dizy on my head. every time i wanna give up, i told my self : this is once in a lifetime battle. win it. win it. win it. 

but now, i cant be that kinda person anymore. the grade is save whenever it's A/B or above. and whenever it's not, i still have make up test (i really dislike this, but it's helpful to fix if i have not-so-good grades). but experience and chance... and being young can't come twice. i have to use it into its fullest or i'll be old and boring and regret my youngster moment which is boring, too.

i wanna get more experience, make mistakes, learn from it, be better and stronger as a person, have a good leadership, build a good habit (because habit is made when we're young. it's now to choose whoever you wanna be in your future), and all. i cant have it from having a perfect grade, nor from a strict schedule of studying.

and best friends are gonna be soliter too, soon.

i don't wanna spend this free-to-be-fool moment to be perfectly good. because there will be a time that we're expected to be perfectly good and can't make any mistake. so if it's not now, then when will we  make mistakes and learn outta them?

and how to find your passion?

have MANY activities. DO all the THINGS you LOVE. 

so you can FIND what SUITS you well. what MAKES you do EXTRA MILE. what makes you CANT SLEEP because of excitement. what do YOU like to SEE everyday without any pressure.

for me it's writing, design and society--all about human and their problems, are my passion. bingung kan kalo suruh milih major apa kalo punya banyak passion? paling minat di nulis tp tanpa knowledge lain rasanya boring:)

but still,

being a doctor to contribute much is my biggest dream:)

dan di twitter lagi banyak bahas bully nih:-) for my readers since i was in high school, they probably know that i'd been bullied since in elementary school:)

that was a terrible moment. they hated me for acting weird (well we kids were all weird!). the threw me few things, they drew myself in white board. they called me with disgusting nicknames, mocked me. they asked others to be away from me. they let me do our group tasks. that was really really terrible.

i lost my confidence since that day.

not top at that, i bullied a friend in junior high because she spread false rumors, big huge liar, used ourselves. i admitted that i also bully that person as much as i got in elementary school. it was kind of a revenge. but soon i got the feedback. i was bullied again for more stupid reason: for acting sogirly in front of boys, for bringing magazines in school, for talking too much, for asking so much attention, for being a big mouth.

that was the worst one.

everytime i passed the last traffic light before i got to my school, i felt like wanna throw up; because of the nervousness. i didnt wanna get to school anymore. i didn't wanna be alone and felt disgusted at the same time. they mad at me. didn't wanna talk to me. at the recces time, the didn't get along with me, they ignored me or even worse, made fun of me. i was alone. no one cared. at first, the boys really helpful. but soon, the girls made the boys hated me too. i was totally alone. they screamed at me.they talked in my back. they wrote about the things they disliked about me, and rotated it in class so everyone could write on it. there will be one, or two, or three, or probably more meetings; the whole class vs me, a group vs me, another group vs me. all to make sure that i know my mistakes and they asked me to change it unless they hated me for ages. i hated group tasks. it made me feel lonelier. when i saved money to buy self helping book, they told me im on diet. when i finally bought it, they also talked about it. i tried to keep up with cool things that was happening to make some talks to them, but it made me look like a fool. i cried everynight. i couldnt tell my mom for twice because when i did it once i couldnt stop crying to finish my story and my mom was really sad about it, yet she couldn't do anything. then i started to write.

i was really emotional. i even cut my finger's skin because i stupidly lost my diary's lock.

i started to read self helping books, magazines, then i wrote or drew. just to make myself sane. 

and i started to use myspace. there i found lovely friends: mawren from Germany, diane from US and echy from US. all of them are indonesians who lived overseas. i chatted to them daily, told them my problems. 

i started to have a new life in myspace when people still connected trough friendster.

and i began to think about my future. because i knew, i couldnt have a happy 'present' moment, so i had to have great future. then i built my future when the others were  still busy talking about the newest gossips. 

i never liked my junior high school moments that much.

and know what's the irony? the leader team of the people who bullied me consisted of my closest best friends. which is now, we're totally fine and forget about it after really long fights. but i still cant erase the bitter moment about it. 

i love them for who they are now. because if i always look back, i only have anger towards them:)

and high school starts. the last 1st year, i finally felt that i didn't get along somuch with my current close friends (those who bullied me--tanpa memperkecil arti mereka saat ini buat aku). so i tried to mingle with anybody else. but it hurt them, they were really mad and sent me some rude words in social network. they ignored me so much. (until the 3rd year, one of them still ignored me so much but now we'regetting along pretty well). they had a really huge influence towards other people so others looked down on me, too. i didn't get allowance to get close with my crush (my favorite 3 years of high school crush). people ignored me too. i couldn't have any ears to hear myself.

so it wasn't a real bullying. but it was sort of. i always get rude words on twitter for 3 years in my birthday-month since my 15th birthday. not to mention the other moment. people hated me and talked about me much. i couldn't date certain person just to save myself for their slaps.

and i cured myself with read a lot. it helped me.

then i found few best mates (till now) who saved me from them all.

and you know what? most of them, if i cant say all of them, now are my close friends.

funny isnt it?

so i can't say i hate the people that had bullied me. i'd rather say that i hate the bullying itself.

i once bully also, but that was a lesson learned too.

it hurt me till this seconds. it loses my confidence. i can't speak up as i used to. i lost my bravery little by little.

but you know what? i found many great person that had bullied back in their old times. i can use these experiences to make myself miserable or ... to be stronger. it's all my choice. and i choose the second.

so please, be good, be careful, be productive in a good way. because being young only comes once. make sure you use it positively:)

the self and macak tegar phases

it's just another random title. the randomized words that have been spinning in my head. 

the. self. and. macak tegar. phases.

the self.

it's been quite long time since i talk about my own self. few months ago, and years ago (one or two) i liked to write about my ow self, but deeper and bitter. yes, i believe that deep inside anyone's heart, that's a black hole, a deep, bitter, and sucking hole. if you're brave enough, strong enough, you can escape from that hole and be bright and sweet and good. but if you dont have courage to escape, you'll be trapped in that black huge hole, waiting the world to change, to be as bitter as you are, then.

and myself.

there are some spaces that i havent' embrace. that i meant to forget but i simply can't.

i wanted to go to UI, so bad. i love Jakarta for its competition, challenges, spirits, opportunities, and  even its bitterness. i need to be slapped in the face that i'm nothing compared to those great people in the heart of Indonesia. what are you thinking about the city that has 30% 'money' that's rotating in Indonesia per day. it's not about the money itself, but WHO are the ones behind it, WHAT is happening behind that much money? the city's like having many virtual spikes that pushes everyone inside it to be more careful, to be more skillful and to be more competent. there's a chance that if i even get into that Univ, i'd be ditched, i'll be a total loser. but i just never tried.

as everyone says, the pressure makes diamonds. the full-of-pressure city will eventually makes lots of diamonds.

and why did i just remember about this? as i've mentioned before, IYC was a huge thing for me. it's been my dream since the very first time it was launched. and there i saw so many big city woman, man. even a normal college guy become a professional committee of that event. also the normal college girls looked totally stunning and passionate, and somehow it made them pretier.

and i want to be that kind of girl.

but i aint living in that big city. i aint event applying for that Univ. so what's the thing i'm so sad about? it's nothing but my self being so much not confidence. last year. yes, i should be more and more confidence today, and tomorrow, and the next day, and the next couple days, next couple years.

because people mostly regret of what they didn't do rather than of what they've done.

and i just understand. i shouldn't let my fear confront my willingness to do any-single-thing.

if i wanna be an active person, they why ain't i? why didn't i join any club in college? i asked my self.

well, i know the answer: simply because i don't think i would fit in there, and i still have few responsibilities in my current job and my current organization. 

but now i know what i wanna do in college. i even can't wait to see what Allah would say about this intention. would Allah grant this wish?:) please would, Allah:)

and it's not about the institution. it's not about what Uni i've got into. well, it is, a bit. but it shouldn't define myself. my life aint about fk ugm, or anything. my life is all about me. and whoever who describe him/herself as the school he/she is going into, i feel really pity of you. don't you have anything better to describe how beautiful you are as a person?:)

and yes, everyone knows that UGM has the less leadership than the two others gigantic Univ, but that's the point. if you have the stronger and braver character, you'll be stand out. and if you haven't stood out already, then you can't feel like better than anyone here.

and it's my other problem. i kinda dislike whoever who thinks that being a student in my college is good enough that you don't have to do any kind of betterment. well, imagine if every doctor is satisfied enough with him/herself in the age of 18, what the world is gonna be? smart people is everywhere, now they become a large population. but how are we gonna be one of the visible one, the stunning one, the great one? and as a doctor, or even as an engineer, or other professions, we have all the knowledge and skills to do the job we should do. but how many people that also have that ability? how are we gonna give more than the others do? how are we gonna act bigger than others?

it's my homework, daily homework, to find anything that could make myself more valuable each day. so i can contribute more and hopefully can make the things better than they used to.

:-)

and macak tegar:-)

it's a phrase that my close friend(s) made. it's the way they see me using a smiley emoticon to a sad sentences. macak tegar comes from Boso Jowo (Javanese language) means pretend to be strong.

and i just laughed when i heard their opinions about my macak tegar hobby:)) literally. i mean, it's my way to make myself less miserable so i don't seem like a attention seeker. but for few people it's faking a self. it's just a smooth way of lying, maybe.

well for me it's just a way to make my self less sad, less mad, so i could be in joy whatever happens to me. i just wanna share without seeing like too much irritating. i don't wanna ruin other's mood just because of myself being sad or maybe angry.

well, i believe in the power of macak tegar. so let's macak tegar until our own self being tegar in real!:D

the gateways

alhamdulillah. for the happy days.for the super good days. i cant be more thankful enough. thank You Allah. thank You. thank You.

and why it's entitled with the word gateways instead of holiday? because it's not a long week of days off, it's just 2 days or 3 but as fun as holiday, yet SO much refreshing.
and i feel awkward writing in English since i posted most of my recent blog post with Bahasa Indonesia.:p


i'm writing this while listen to 8tracks.com. my favorite website since last year which i found from randomly googled: easy listening playlist. it really gives me thousands of great playlist so i don't need to download or pick some good songs to accompany me during my work with my laptop.


these past weekends i had passed were amazing. i really wanted to blog it every Sunday night, but i don't lie i was so much occupied by tasks and works. and it's not that today i am not, but i really have to write these all before my head explodes.

the first weekend of these long great weekends was when i went to some cool cafes in Bantul as i've written. the second was when i went to few museums with Sandy and Anna. the third was the trip to Lampung. 

on my flight to lampung:)

then the fourth was Anna's Birthday, i guess... ok stop, havent i told ya about Anna's birthday?:)


so that was the Anna's Birthday. we four were kinda busy that day, i forget the details but none of us were free during the day until the night. so we decided to go to her home in the noon. we prepared all in a week (or two?) and everyone took part in it! that was on exam week, anw. yesss! we prepared during the exam week (ok i wasnt on exam week:|) and the day was coming. we went to Anna's home but she wasnt there at first, after about an hour we waited, Dissa drove her car to the city zoo. we closed Anna's eyes and gave some "accessories" which made her a center of attention at that zoo. not so long there, we went to Pasar Kangen. that was one of my favorite part of being jogjakartans, the cultural event. many  cultural event's regularly made, and mostly they're really awesome, including this Pasar Kangen. happy birthday Anna! not much like a bombastic surprise but hope you liked it:)

then.... me and Ririe and Sandy had almost-24 hours girls time:--)
that was totally accidental stuff. i just tweeted that i wanna cook, and sandy was-and is- my cooking mate, but Sandy and I didn't have the equipment so we decided to do that in ririe's home, plus Ririe loves cooking too! so theen we cooked some dishes with chocolate mousse as the dessert :D i don't lie it's really delicious!:)  though we only searched the recipe on youtube and some websites!

yay! jadi satu makanan:D

then we just thought: why don't wee sleep over here?

then it was. i accompanied Sandy to do some businesses and she accompanied me to go home brought some make-ups. then there was a total girls night out (out? we're so much homey people, should be changed to girls in, then?). we searched the youtube about make up tutorial, listened to mainstream music, acted like what Mtv movies told us during the early 2000. we really enjoyed the night... so much:) we told stories, gossiped, told secret; total girls things. i was so much recharged:)

crzy webcam after hours of make-up-ing :p

then the next day, Sunday, Rini asked me to 'nobar' final football match. well, it was gonna on 2 am in the early morning, and i didn't think i could make it. so asked her (and the boys) to nobar at my home. and yes, they did. we did nobar at my house!! for the very first time i saw a complete football match, proud much:D sadly our favorite team, Italy, didn't make it as the winner:( but that didn't minus the happiness i've got:) we talked so much, with bary, reza, and we laughed so muchhhhh!!!!  not stop at that, in the morning Rini asked me to go to my campus with me. i was on discussion class and she walked around my campus:-) in short, we really had good 24 hours... thank you my power ranger:)


then mom's birthday. igave her a bouquet of flower and a parfume. it took the whole salary i've got that month, but it's all worth it. my mom really loved it and she texted (whe was already in Jkt) me with the words which made me cry so much, the tears of happiness. i love you mum, glad to see you happy!:)


then the last weekend..i went to jakarta. that was quite a long story. at first i wanna use train, alone. and my daddy use plane on the next day. but daddy didn't allow me to do so, then we both changed our tickets into two tickets of airplane. how sweet he was:) then we slept in Thamrin Residence. i wanted to attend IYC, thought it would be easy for me to get to Thamrin Nine, then. but until the morning, none of us (with daddys' friend) knew Thamrin Nine Ballroom. it's the ballrooms' name, not the bulding name. with little research on twitter, we drove to UOB plaza which only took 5 minutes or even less from the apartment. and it's right, it was the place. i was so much earlier:)

well, even i missed the Saman Performance, i really think that IYC was so much worth it. really.
the really professional people behind it, the speaker, the place.... im SO much inspired! i love seeing really hard working comittee and all. i love the experience, the environment, the air of change. IYC, we decide!
not just the conference, but also the music performances, was really amazing!! i jumped into the crowd with sandy and rini. we sang all the song we knew, we shook our bodies as no one could see. that was totally fun!!
and until this very moment, i still feel the huge thing IYC brought. the inspiration, the passion, the determination and all. it was a great experience. i'm so much thankful that i could join that event, i don't lie and not hyperbole also, but it was such a great event. i met great persons there and listened to wonderful stories. in the morning i still felt the spark that IYC shared the previous day. it has massive influence, not only for me but i thought for most of the attendances there:)

hivi! 

raisa;---)

cant you see how nervous we were? he's too cute! ezra from hivi!:""

i wish i could attend IYC again, next year:)

then the Sunday, my closest cousins' wedding! that was sooo prettyyyy and i loved it so much! the flowery decoration, delicious food, and everything! told you, she's the cumlaude, the youngest and highest GPA in the whole batch of.. chemical engineering ITB. how cool she is:) and she married the man she used to hate:p so much like ftv but it's real version. his husband also the cumlaude and super smart guy. what a perfect couple:) wish you have happy days in Australia, then! (they both got scholarship in australia... yeah, perfect days are exist!)

on the wedding:)

my favorite corner :"

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anyway...

well, for the ones that said im so much into prince charming, please, recognize my last 3-years-highschool-crush, and tell me that he's a prince charming, do you dare?:)
and to the ones that told me im a super childish. please, look at what ive been doing and what ive done. im working and join a NGO while half of you may dont know what's NGO. so much childish, eh?
PLEASE THINK TWICE:) it really disturbs me, judges!

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have a nice week and please.. use your time wisely. you get older and you may lose this second. do you think you've used ur time to do something useful? do you adore your own self, now?






nb: i try to use my very time to change be the one that i adore.so i can change to be the most favorite version of myself. tidakkah tertarik, kamu?
saya pengen bgt jadi cewek yang smart, cantik, mandiri dan multi talent. semoga, suatu saat saya bisa:)

larut malam dan otak kanan

foto yang aku unggah di deviantart pada Februari 2009. dulu aku produktif sekali:_)

sudah punya kebiasaan ini sejak SMP; bangun sampai larut malam, baca majalah/ internet random dan punya banyak ide popped out. kayak pop corn yang lagi di bikin di cinema, pop pop pop gitu. loncat-loncat sesuka hati, nggak terarah, tapi toh semua orang menikmatinya, begitu juga aku. so let's have a map about my random thoughts tonight!

trip 3 hari jakarta-lampung-jakarta sebenernya cuma meninggalkan capek, masuk angin, baju kotor, makanan dan dompet yang menipis. ke jakarta numpang tidur, ke lampung numpang makan, numpang ke hajatan keluarga, numpang tidur, dan ke jakarta lagi cuma numpang duduk dan pipis. tapi lebih dari itu, pengalaman super fast yang aku dapet itu lumayan bgt! alhamdulillah:) pertama kali keluar jawa-bali, ketemu banyak orang dari daerah yang berbeda, tau arti keluarga lebih dalam, a road trip for 18 hours, makan anak mas lagi (for sure!!), dan lain sebagainya. a mini trip like this is more refreshing than a long one, i thought. a long one brings the laziness out of myself and that's what mager stands for. males gerak. males move on ke realita. bisa aja aku stay di lampung longer, tapi berarti bolos kuliah dan males banget buat balik ke rutinitas. rrr...

i've been adoring a guy named G.T. dari SMA aku tau dia sebagai aktivis, bareng Alanda Kariza. aku selalu suka sama tulisan-tulisannya di blog. awalnya, dia cuma nulis kesehariannya kayak remaja normal lainnya. tapi lama-lama dia mulai nulis tentang politik dalam bentuk essai bahasa inggris. it aint easy to understand a long political essay with a really good grammar wrapping them all. tapi aku--nggak tau gimana, tetep bisa nikmatin tulisan-tulisannya dia. he's absolutely a really wide open-minded. indonesia needs more of that kinda guy. saya juga butuh lebih banyak cowok-cowok kayak gitu...#ngelantur. lols kidding. aku cuma mikir betapa indahnya dunia kalo cowok-cowok yang isi otaknya cuma dapetin cewek-cewek cantik itu bisa lebih mikir lagi tentang dunia yang subhanallah luasnya. tapi jangan salah, aku bukannya adore cinta-cinta an gitu. aku lebih ke arah terinspirasi banget sama orang ini ini!:) sayang, dia udah jarang update blog dan twitter dan jejaring sosial lainnya..

betapa kangennya sama playlist 2009 juga sempet bikin penuh otak. i miss white shoes and the couples company, the trees and the wild, phoenix, santamonica, pure saturday, sore, dan band-band indie lainnya. musiknya yang bikin tenang, liriknya yang jujur dan identitas masing-masing yang bikin mereka stand out itu khas indie banget!!! sayang beribu sayang, industri musik lagi di monoploi sama jenis musik tertentu. musik-musik indie jadi susah berkembang. orang-orang kayak aku yang juga cuma hobi download juga termasuk pembunuh musik indie. sorry. been trying to get their CDs but never believe the online buying:" that aint a good excuse but.. well.. im telling the truth. well, indonesian indie music, you rock!

thamrin. ada 2 acara di thamrin yang barengan sama pentas saman di kampus. siapa sih yang nggak pengen pentas di kampus sendiri? kinda pride, bro. tapi... thamrin itu kayak punya ikatan batin dan tali takdir. tiba-tiba talinya keliatan nyatu dan ngiket ke satu rencana yang Allah mungkin kasih untuk aku. i'm still wondering and already preparing for them. semoga aku tidak salah baca pertanda yang Allah kasih ke aku:D

dan beberapa pikiran-pikiran random lainnya yang memenuhi otak... rasanya ada hubungan antara jam malam dan kerja otak kanan. anyone interested to study that? he he... :)

have a good day! let's start this brand new week with bismillah. may Allah give the blessings during the week, may us be better each day:-)

city trip

Happy Holiday, semua!
Semoga waktu kamu baca ini, kamu udah ngerasain bebasnya hari-hari kamu dari kejaran tugas atau kewajiban belajar atau kerja ya! Di edisi special liburan ini saya mau share sedikit pengalaman saya liburan lalu (kebetulan saya dapet 3 hari libur pada 2 minggu yang berbeda which was so much!)
Dari dulu saya selalu ingin keliling jogja dengan public transport, tapi sayang, saya nggak pernah cukup berani untuk melakukannya. Saya selalu punya terlalu banyak tempat untuk dikunjungi dan terlalu sedikit waktu, mengingat transportasi umum sangat tidak bisa diharapkan dalam keefektifan waktu. Saya kemudian memutuskan untuk tetap berkeliling jogja naik motor bersama sahabat-sahabat saya. Well, it’s my own challenge for myself: to discover jogja more.
Pada libur pertama, saya menggunakannya untuk berkeliling di daerah Jogokaryan. Daerah ini sudah sering saya dengar namanya, katanya sih kampung bule. Tapi saya tidak pernah benar-benar menyadarinya sampai saya ikut kelas tari di daerah tersebut. Saya melihat banyak bule sliweran di jalan gang ini. Penasaran saya membawa saya dan teman-teman saya untuk mengenal gang ini. Ya, memang hanya satu gang, tapi rasanya saya telah ber teleport ke Bali. Suasana kafe terbuka dengan interior yang cukup unik satu dan lainnya membuat saya lupa bahwa saya sedang menginjakkan kaki di daerah Bantul.
Saya memutuskan untuk menelusuri sampai ujung. Kemudian saya bertemu dengan LAF. Sebuah kafe yang cukup besar dan punya desain interior menarik. Kafe di Jogja jarang ada yang sebesar ini, saya piker. Setelah saya masuk, saya terkagum-kagum dengan berbagai artsy stuffs yang terpasang di dinding ataupun di lantainya. When modern meets art, mungkin itu cukup mendiskripsikan tempat ini. Berjalan ke dalam, saya menemui sebuah taman kecil dan sebuah mini stage. Menarik sekali, pikir saya. Tapi kejutannya belum selesai.
Di dekat taman terdapat sebuah tangga ke atas dan ke bawah. Pertama-tama, saya ke atas, dan ternyata ada sebuahalat industry yang sedang dipamerkan. Dengan desain sedemikian rupa, ia menjadi sebuah mesin besar yang menarik. Sayang, pameran telah usai, saya tidak bisa menikmati kerja mesin tersebut. Saya pun turun ke lantai dasar kemudian ke lantai basement, dan kejutan ke sekian pun mengagetkan saya. Disana sedang di pamerkan berbagai karya seni rupa. I was amazed! Banyak barang-barang seni menarik yang di tampilkan. Saya menyayangkan betapa kurangnya informasi orang luar terhadap pameran ini, padahal saya yakin seni seperti ini mudah sekali untuk dinikmati!
Saya lalu keluar dari LAF dan menuju Garden café, destinasi utama saya. Ekspektasi saya terhadap café tersebut adalah café kecil yang punya pohon besar di tengah-tengahnya. Tapi masuk-masuk, saya kembali dikagetkan oleh pameran seni rupa yang ada di sana (seni lukis). Kecil dan sederhana memang, tapi gambar-gambar tersebut mewakili seniman jogja yang berteriak ingin didengarkan. Saya harap, lebih banyak orang yang mendengarkannya
Interior garden café ini juga sangat unik, tiap cornernya punya nuansa yang berbeda; ada yang bernuansa ruang keluarga, ruang makan, ataupun ruang kongko biasa. Saya suka the idea of having a huge tree as a center, dan ada jembatan yang memutarinya. Lucu sekali! Worth to try! Dan sebenarnya ada beberapa kafe lagi yang ingin saya kunjungi disana, seperti K-meals (terkenal akan pizzanya) dan coklat monggo café (who doesn’t know about this brand?!:p), tapi sayangnya waktunya tidak memungkinkan. Mungkin kamu mau melanjutkan perjalanan saya yang tertunda tersebut, to just visit by those places?

Pada liburan di minggu selanjutnya, saya berhasil memaksa salah satu sahabat saya untuk berkeliling museum di Jogja. Tujuan pertama dan utama saya adalah Museum affandy. Bagaimana tidak, saya tujuh belas tahun tinggal di jogja dan saya belum pernah menginjakkan kaki sedikitpun di museum tersebut. Biaya masuknya cukup murah, yaitu Rp 10.000,00 jika membawa kartu pelajar. Terdiri dari 3 ruangan pameran, saya disuguhkan berbagai seni lukis yang indah. Kadang, saya bahkan tidak bisa menerjemahkan apa yang sedang digambarkan oleh para pelukisnya (affandy dan keluarga juga kerabatnya). Setelah selesai berjalan-jalan di sekitar museum, saya berkeliling area luar museum. Indahnya, dengan pepohonan yang rindang dan exterior yang juga indah. Pasti di masa kejayaannya dulu, museum ini lebih menarik lagi.
Setelah dari museum affandy, saya beranjak ke museum vedeburg. Sebenarnya, bukan vedeburgnya lah yang menjadi tujuan saya, melainkan tugu satu maret. Dengan bersusah payah menerobos pagar (gerbang utama digembok, dan saya tidak memanjat pagar!;p). disana ada beberapa pemain skateboard yang sedang latihan skill dan beberapa bapak-bapak yang membersihkan taman. Saya hanya duduk-duduk di rumput. Angin sedang baik-baiknya, sayajuga dimanjakan oleh sejuknya udara di siang itu. Pohon-pohon yang rindang dan nyanyian dari kendaraan yang lalu lalang seperti meninabobokkan saya. Tak terasa, saya bahkan sampai satu setengah jam berada di taman itu!
Destinasi ketiga adalah Monumen Jogja Kembali. Saya beberapa kali kesini dan selalu suka dengan luasnya taman dan area luar dari monument itu sendiri. Dan ternyata tidak hanya saya yang suka dengan bagian luar monjali, terbukti dengan adanya taman lampion yang juga menggunakan area luar monjali. Ada berbagai lampion yang terpasang sepanjang jalan. Walaupun sore itu lampion belum dinyalakan, tapi saya tetap bisa menikmati beragam bentuk lampion-lampion tersebut. Di sekitar kolam terdapat beberapa bench where we can just lay on and do nothing. Perfect thing to end the day, also end the trip 

i've upload all of the pictures on facebook. curious enough? please see them on my facebook:)

growing up, another definition

too much transformation that i've been trough this year. too much. just too much. i can barely differ the reality, dreams and nightmare.

growing up now has new definition; it requires us to grow apart a little, to be alone, to be really lonely to just feel the whisper of our inner voices, and find ourself again, and reborn, again. and at this time, we're much stronger. i think we all need to be alone just to feel ourself again, to feel the taste of individualistic thoughts in order to become the fullest person we could ever be. don't let society defines us, don't let other people defines us.

"oh Nina mantannya si X itu ya?"

i'm really grateful i've never been acknowledged that way:_) it's not my favorite part of self.

just don't let anyone, anything, that will not stick to you forever defines you. you are you. shape urself better each day.

anw, remember our high school songs? one of them are santamonica's. i miss the indie-ness of those songss!! and one of my favorite is Ribbons and Tie.:)

aku tidak sendiri

waktu aku nulis ini, mungkin rasanya sudah nggak sehancur sebelumnya. mungkin perasaanku sudah jauh lebih baik dari pertama kali, cuma aku masih belum bisa menyembuhkan diri.

aku terbiasa dengan orang lain yang membantu, atau sekedar menemani. teman. i would never trade a friend with anything, anyone else. mungkin mereka, teman2ku semua, nggak ada yang sadar, cuma aku sayang sekali sama mereka dan i literally would do anything to them.

sampai suatu ketika aku sedih se sedih-sedihnya karna suatu hal.

dan aku sudah bilang, kan, bahwa kehidupan kuliah itu individual? kalo aku bilang gini, mungkin nggak semua orang mau bilang iya. tapi kalo salah satu orang kena sesuatu, pertolongan yang diberikan nggak sehebat kayak yang aku rasain ketika SMA. aku pun juga gitu, nggak bisa nolong sebaik ketika aku sama temen-temen di SMA. selalu merasa kalau orang lain bisa handle masalahnya sendiri.

padahal ternyata, tidak.

dan ketika aku down banget, aku nyari orang-orang yang menurutku bisa membantu. tapi hasilnya hampir nihil:)

few finally asked me out, texted me regularly to make sure i'm ok or just bbm-ed, and the rest don't know what's going on. which one are you?:)

i was so sad that i cried at night for times.

and there was a thing that made the sadness came as big as twice.

:)

remuk banget dan aku nggak tau saat itu, how could i survive. aku cuma bisa nangis sehabis sholat sambil meremas rukuh. rasanya sakit yang didalem pengen banget aku keluarin. lalu aku tau kenapa orang-orang mencoba melukai dirinya sendiri ketika sedih.

i might got depression.

i'm afraid i was.

sebenernya hal kecil. hanya saja, aku nggak terbiasa sendiri. aku nggak terbiasa memotivasi diri sendiri. aku nggak pernah percaya sama diriku, sepenuhnya. aku terbiasa membuat orang lain percaya sama aku, and make them convince me about myself.

salah besar.

nggak selamanya orang lain akan terus disana.

nggak selamanya orang akan bikin kita bahagia. iya, walaupun selama ini orang (jamak, maupun tunggal) tersebut adalah sumber semangat kita.

i tried to get close to Allah. i seemed close to Allah until i found my self lost. i missed His guidance, i missed His thoughts that i read trough things i saw.

i tried to make myself found Him in my life. for once more.

and that was my turning point.

i saw my parents living a really simple life: do what you gotta do, do the best you can do, and be happy with all you've got in the end.

my family isn't a super rich, super brainy, super successful. but my family isn't poor either. we life with simplicity and peace. and i learn to be more like family, from now on.

i don't hate people. i just realized that we can't count on people.

even we CAN be 24/7 to be the helper, doesn't mean it works on other people.

and i asked my mom:

"enak kali ya mah, punya pacar. mau nggak mau dia harus ada"

and she told me:

"lah iya, udah sana cari."

and i laughed.

seneng kali ya, punya pacar, ada yang merhatiin 24/7 dan mereka wajib jadi supporting person numero uno.

tapi jadi sendiri itu artinya harus sekuat orang-orang yang punya pacar. if a couple have one strength and they divide it into 2 for each person then each person has half, while i have a complete one strength. it's all from God and i will give back to God:)

setiap taun, aku punya siklus ini. sejak kapan? sejak aku di bully waktu sd, dan smp, dan sma. i lost my confidence, entah kemana. aku selalu puas dengan yang pas-pasan karna saya rasa i don't deserve any better.bukannya aku mau ngungkit-ngungkit itu lagi, tapi efeknya masih sampai sekarang:)

that's why i didn't wanna be alone. kayak gini sebenernya:)

even i made friends with them--orang-orang yang dulu nggak suka sama aku, tapi tetep aja...:)

wajar sih, kalo nggak semua orang suka sama kita. tapi kalo orang nggak suka sama aku, sukanya frontal sih..:p

tapi harusnya, aku belajar kan, untuk lebih kuat? di sujud terakhirku aku sering berdoa untuk bisa dapet kepercayaan diri lagi, i literally do that, kalau aku nggak lupa. atau kalau lupa, aku doa setelah shalat, kalau nggak sedang keburu-buru. i really need that.

aku capek mentally butuh orang lain and they failed to be there. rasanya sedih yang satu, jadi dikaliduakan. i'm really exhausted. i'm beyond dissapointed, but people have their priorities, which i can't make myself as their first, or second:)

and it's normal. i'm the one who should get used to it:)

terimakasih Allah, for being there, for stregthen me, for giving me another chance to be a better person. thanks for this perfect family. thanks for the love you give for me. for the love that i have. for the super endurance i thought i didn't have:)

thank You. i can't say any word to express how grateful i am:)

ya Allah, kuatkan aku. sabarkan aku. berilah aku petunjukmu.

semoga ikhlas bukan berarti berhenti berusaha sekuat tenaga. amin:)

“Life is painful and messed up. It gets complicated at the worst of times, and sometimes you have no idea where to go or what to do. Lots of times people just let themselves get lost, dropping into a wide open, huge abyss. But that’s why we have to keep trying. We have to push through all that hurts us, work past all our memories that are haunting us. Sometimes the things that hurt us are the things that make us strongest. A life without experience, in my opinion, is no life at all. And that’s why I tell everyone that, even when it hurts, never stop yourself from living.”

—	Alysha Speer and, medical is the reason why i keep going:)

“That moment when you’re studying and you just feel so tired that you want nothing more than to go to sleep, but then you realize that what you learn now, might save someones life in the future. And that’s what keeps you going.”

—

Vinny S.