Bedroom yayness

after few years searching for bedroom ideas, daydreaming about my own perfect bedroom despite of the smallness of it... finally had renovated my room! with less than 2000k IDR, i've got my dream room renovated:)

N: *kirim foto*

S: yah, kasurnya jadi kecil ya? 

N: iya san... jadi single bed gitu jd kita gkbs bobo bareng

S: aku bisa bobok di lantai ko Nin asal gada yg joget AADC

N: wkwkwk padahal aku mau blg itu: tapi kita bisa joget AADC :))))

S: kenapa sih harus joget AADC? joget yang lain gaboleh?

*epic convo with a best friend is epic*

dear self..

“Kepada hati yang tak pernah mati walau telah terpanah puluhan kali. Jangan pernah merasa tersiksa sendiri. Bukalah jendelamu, hadiahkan pelangi untuk hatimu yang tengah berjuang menegarkan diri.”

summer project 2012 by ninoscha

What so much interesting about this summer project was that this idea had came out 2-more years ago, when me and Dissa got so much less thing to do and we both loved all the beauty things in frame. and the awesome things happened in last summer.

to find a great escape long way out of city, to play hide and seek with the sun, to have a race with the sun shines, and all; all was great. my summer wasnt boring at all

i forgot how to use photoshop so i didnt do much edit on these photos but resize and crop. they're not fantastic, not great; i aint a good photographer, but.. i had so much fun to take shoots, prepare it all, find great colors on it, and all. 

Thank you, Irene (model), Dissa (partner), and Sandy (mate). :)

accidentally inspired

"I think the biggest challenge anyone from a small town has to face is how to defeat small-mindedness and not get caught up in the drama that can happen in an insular community. Once I was able to gain perspective and feel more connected with the world through traveling and by attending a university fairly far from home, it was a lot easier to overcome any obstacles that might have existed before. But I’ve always loved to make art, and I think I would have pursued it whether I came from a small town or a big city. I’m happy that I’ve had the opportunities to avoid being a big fish in a very small pond."

"I think attending art school is an awesome and wonderful experience whether or not you know for sure if you want to be a fine artist. College in general is really just a wonderful way to transition into adulthood, as long as you don’t treat it like a massive excuse to party and drink your brain cells away. I worked incredibly hard in school, and because of that my professors gave me opportunities that other students didn’t have. School is what you make of it, and you could go to any college and get a great education as long as there are a couple of professors there who are willing to put the time in and that you, in turn, are willing to give 110%. There are people out there that say college isn’t necessary, but I definitely wasn’t mature enough to enter the workforce at 18, and I feel like I really found myself in art school. Plus, there are very few other opportunities to be surrounded by so many like-minded people having intense discussions about your work. I miss art school like crazy because those kind of critiques are hard to come by, and no matter how many artsy friends I have, nothing compares to being surrounded by 100 peers, all working 24 hours a day, exhausted but excited."

"I think people that have the most success in any career are those that can remain a bit humble—or at least empathetic—no matter what their career status. If you love people—love interacting with them, working with them—you’ll have success in your career. To have success as an independent designer or creative type, you have to be driven, you have to at least try to be organized, and you have to be pleasant to work with. Art directors will come back to you over and over again if you make the experience of working together a pleasant one. If you ask them, they will tell you that the number-one thing that turns them off from working with a person again is if that person was disrespectful, unkind, or seemed “above” the project. Freelancing is all about forming short partnerships with art directors and clients and making them feel that you’re as excited about it as they are."

jujur//nulis

ada yang ngerasa nggak my latest post kayak nggak jujur? padahal aku nulis itu untuk berusaha jujur sejujur-jujurnya. or it's the type of the writings, yah.. aku bukan tipe orang menulis dengan tata cara event by event tapi aku seperti memaksakan menceritakan segalanya so my post will look moreeeee factual. i feel not right when i read that post, feel like wanna erase it, but, i let it be. i let it be my foot print that i've once been fool enough to act like somthing aint me.
doesnt mean what i've written is a lie. it was true. i have that emotional problem.
but my writings that lied. it's not my type:p

sambil nulis ini, sambil menghentikan pekerjaan, sambil mendengarkan fix you nya coldplay ditemani angin sepoy hari minggu.

setelah aku sadar bahwa aku punya permasalahan dalam kontrol emosi, aku jadi lebih aware, conscious, terhadap apa yang aku rasain. akhir-akhir ini, aku nemuin beberapa temen yang kurang bisa dipegang omongannya. seharian aku cuma bisa ngamuk2 nggak jelasdi dalem hati. imbasnya, aku jadi nggak produktif dan diem, dan nyentak siapapun yang sangat ganggu. tapi buat aku itu lebih baik dibanding aku show it off ke orang2, ngelabrakin satu-satu via bbm, nyindir abis-abisan via twitter, like what i did in past few years. aku nonton video TEDx, youtube lagu-lagu, liat desain-desain kamar, buat hiasan kamar baru, just to feel better. well, i felt slightly better, but im not ok.
i finally let go. instead of labeling them as friends then i feel disappointed all over again, i'd rather leave them alone.

my one of favorite bedroom ideas:D

sadar bahwa something's not ok here helps me to find a way to feel better in a good way. i'm not ok, and i will never pretend as im ok anymore. it's.. for me.. sometimes it helps me to not over-drama things, but also, at times, i need to know that something is not right and i have an obligation to fix it, anw.

sadar. sadar. sadar.

dan aku baru sadar aku sudah 2 blok ini nggak bikin agenda harian. super sigh. dari observasiku thdp diriku sendiri, dengan agenda, kita jadi terpacu untuk do things right, one at a time, finish all the task, be productive. tapi emang agak agak ribet sih untuk design what to do tomorrow dan cek lagi in the end of the day apa yang sudah kita achieve. but it's worth it so i wanna make one for more:D

what i've been doing during the holiday :

see ya in another loong weekend! i've had an awesome one anw:)

coffee talk

another coffee talk with Sandy.
kira-kira jam 1 siang, waktu kita berdua udah jenuh sama kerjaan masing-masing.
ngomongin semuanya...

ada bling bling merah di bb, aku baca bbm yang baru masuk dan mukaku langsung berubah..
"San.. males banget.. kenapa sih dia.. aku udah males banget."

"kamu tuh kenapa sih nin? dulu suka, dulu biasa aja, sekarang segitunya. emang dia salah apa sih ke kamu?"

"ya nggak salah apa-apa.. tapi ya males aja. tolong dong udah.."

"jahat banget sih.."

"ya gimana, perasaanku nggak enak, males, tiba-tiba jadi panik deg-deg an mual in a negative way."

"kok sampe segitunya tuh kenapa?"

"nggak tau..."

"kenapa ya nin, kamu itu bisa labil banget. inget nggak waktu nunggu sms balesan dari xxx? heboh banget, takut nggak dibales, tau-tau brapa menit kemudian di bales? sekarang ini.. semua mantan-mantanmu nggak ada yang baik-baik. kenapa coba?"

aku diem.. 2 hari yang lalu aku emang baru nyadar, it's like something's wrong with me. aku seheboh itu kalo ada sesuatu.. lalu tiba-tiba beberapa saat kemudian bisa jadi super sedih.. nggak ngerti. waktu itu H-1 tentamen, aku ngerasa hal itu nge ganggu banget, dan baru sadar, ini nggak bener.

" iya ya San, kenapa ya.. hmm aku sih ngerasa pribadiku agak bermasalah sejak aku di bully, ya sebelum di bully juga bermasalah sih.. tapi beda. kalo soal cowo-cowo itu.. apa ya.. mungkin self defense? soalnya waktu putus semuanya bikin aku gnerasa worthless and it's like 'no no more..' sign?"

"hmm... masa sih? itu defense atas apa? kamu pernah diapain emang?"

"nggak diapa-apain, cuma dibikin ngerasa worthless aja dan aku nggak mau ngerasain lagi jadi aku mungkin scr nggak sadar ngelindunginnya gitu.."

"ngelindungin atau ngehindarin?"

"hehehe nggak tau ya.. tapi emang tiba-tiba sama mereka, sama siapapun yang udah-udah, pasti ada perasaan yang nggak nyaman banget. bete tiba-tiba. nggak tau deh.."

lalu kita balik ke kerjaan masing-masing, atau berusaha terlihat seperti itu, karena rasanya otak kita masih mikirin hal yang sama. nggak sampai 5 menit kemudian Sandy nanya,

"kamu tau nggak dulu kenapa kamu dulu di bully?"

"tau kok, cuma ya aneh aja. kalo mereka bener-bener gk suka aku, kenapa mereka gk ninggalin aku sok aku gk ada aja instead malah repot2 bikin hidupku miserable."

dan kita pun terjebak di keheningan masing-masing. aku tau, sandy lagi berusaha keras mengerti, ataupun menganalisis.

"tapi masa iya, abis kamu di bully? sebelumnya emang nggak pernah labil kayak gini? sebelum-belumnya? aku tuh nggak percaya e nin sama semata-mata takdir, pasti ada sesuatu dibelakangnya.."
lalu aku diem lagi.. mikir..

"mm..."

aku pun flashback

"dulu waktu ayahku sekolah di luar, mama emang agak banyak pikiran, jadi lebih galak, aku sering ngambek. tapi ya biasa aja. mulai agak parah waktu selesai kelas aksel. mulai kelas 4 aku bosen belajar, maunya nonton tv, dan hampir tiap hari marahan sama mbakku atau mamaku. aku sampe harus banting pintu, lempar semua barang di meja belajar, sampe akulebih dimarain lagi gara-gara itu. terus, aku ganti jadi ngerusak buku. aku pegang pensil kuat-kuat, terus nyobek-nyobek buku pake pensil itu. hmm..
terus aku suka nulis diary.. waktu kunci gembok diariku ilang, terus aku coba utak atik pake cutter, tanganku kena, aku malah mijitin tanganku biar darahnya tambah keluar.. aku juga sering garukin lengan bawah atau cubitin, biar sakitnya di dada ilang..."

"kok serem sih nin..," aku seneng, sandy bukanya natap aku serem, tapi lebih kearah: kok bisa sih..

"hehehe nggak tau dulu.. dari dulu aku gitu. setelah di bully itu aku juga pasti ngalamin 2 bulan stress banget, ngerasa worthless, sedih tiap hari, dll. itu siklus san, balik lagi.... aku ngga terbiasa ngatur emosi, aku lebih ke mengekspresikannya jadi less destructive. makanya sekarang aku suka nulis, itu bantu aku ekspressin emosi dengan lebih baik.."

"aneh ya nin, dimana-mana itu orang ngatur emosi, kamu malah diatur sama emosi."

"iya, San. aku lagi sadar kok, lagi pengen usaha. doain aja."


sampai rumah, aku browsing. penasaran aja, aku tuh kenapa.. udah lama pengen cari tau, tapi emang baru sempat in the name of tentamen preparation. it was Friday and i browsed all day long and here's the thing i found when i googled about myself:

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) (called emotionally unstable personality disorder, borderline type in the ICD-10) is a personality disorder marked by a prolonged disturbance of personality function, characterized by unusual variability and depth of moods. These moods may secondarily affect cognition and interpersonal relations. 
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image and affects, as well as marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, excessive spending, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars or picking at oneself (excoriation).
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness
8. Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms

yang aku bold adalah yang aku pernah rasain. saya nggak yakin saya diagnosed BPD clinically, tapi saya merasakan hal-hal tersebut, dan memang dari dulu aku udah ngerasa it's not right. aku sekarang jadi penakut karena dulu keberanianku selalu jadi bahan bully, salah mulu... dulu aku juga hobi banget sedih dan ngerasa nggak berharga. labil banget, gampang banget seneng dan sedih. nggak bisa kontrol emosi. dan kalo orang liat aku hiperaktif, bukan apa-apa, tapi emang didalem hatiku itu perasaannya meletup-letup dan perlu dikeluarkan.

aku nggak mau terus-terusan berlindung dibalik excuse i'd been bullied, aku rasa mungkin aku yang terlalu dimanja waktu kecil, gen, dan lingkungan bisa bikin fluktuasi emosiku nggak sehat. mungkin malah kejadian bully itu bantu aku untuk nggak neko-neko. tapi yang aku tau, keadaan emosiku memang belum baik.

sampai beberapa hari yang lalu aku sadar.

aku mungkin udah jarang ngerasain 'chronic feeling of emptiness', tapi aku masih nggak bisa ngatur anger dan  instability due to mood, aku mudah sekali terpengaruh sama 'sentilan' diluar. aku masih tidak terbiasa untuk mengontrol emosiku, aku hanya tau cara mengekspresikan emosiku dengan lebih baik.





kenapa saya sejujur ini bikin tulisan di blog? karena akhirnya saya lega, lega bahwa mungkin saya memang belum baik dalam mengontrol emosi, tapi saya toh akhirnya tau. tau bahwa saya masih butuh memperbaikinya, tau bahwa mungkin aku pernah mengalami disorder tertentu, bahwa aku butuh memperbaiki sesuatu disini.

karena self acceptance itu sebegitu melegakannya.

aku ingin orang lain juga ikut sadar atas keadaan dirinya... apapun itu, sadari, perbaiki.
aku juga lagi berusaha kok, yuk bareng:)

hiburan

ok this is sooo funny if you understand and feel it urself!