desember. my favorite month

i have plenty of ideas about what to write here. i miss blogging. digging back to the past moments i've tasted, felt again, and be strong again. i miss reading about the days i've passed. if you read my post since the very first time im here, you'll see how much i grow up. from the noisy and emotional girl turn into a person with more thoughts and fake smile but still, happy inside with bittersweet past and great friends.

i always adore how Allah gives me scenes of life. i always surprised of the His new directions. i always find lesson and reason beyond every mistakes, every ups and downs. i always wondering; who's the best guy on earth that He'll give to me. who'll i end up to be. what will my life would turn out in the end.

i really want a smart guy. a smart guy who knows about life, who passionately chase his degree on college, who really loves me, who passionately curious about life, the guys who can be a religiously living the life without being looked like so freak, he should be relax more than me, optimistic and positive thinker, he should be a very boyish and manly one, he should love soccer, a bit stubborn, but very gentle and caring, he should be thinking about future much and me inside that, he should be a man with big imagination about the globalization future and how he's living that way, he must understand how i adore john mayer and Sore, it's better if he loves indie and easy listening music too, would be nice if he can play basketball and guitar, he should be love reading and spending time on travelling and watching good movie. i want a family guy, who love his family and he should be independent, not spend much cash on something unnecessary, should not be tweeting much (i know), and we should meet on the right time at the right place in the right situation.
fuck. im crazy writing about this. but at least i know what i want and i dont wanna have any relationship unless it would be with that guy or.... i dont think it will last long.


i've been doing a new job, which is good. and what about your study? i almost forget im on medschool at this very moment. im listening to john mayer, looking at good pictures on website, writing a bit craps of my days, looking at the timeline in twitter, seeing how much people wine and moan this days. i havent been prepariing for the study-case tomorrow. i havent been writing work plan, or any of that. i just wanna lay in bed, doing nothing but writing, listening music, and doing all my favorite things i havent been done lately. i need more me-time. i really need that. or just those successful people have it less?

well, i actually never had a free weekend, each weekend, i need to go out, meet somebody else, and all. at some point, i was happy. but then i felt like i lost some kind of inner joy. i have time with my self less. i have time to think about my self less. i need to do some betterment but it wont happen unless i think about it and have my self loose. as i am doing now.




here comes again december. the month when i love to reflex back into the days before, the months before. yes, i need the change in my life. i need to re-state what i should become. im kinda lost nowadays. one thing i should be clear on: my number one priority is study. i should get the straight A for all classes, for all blocks, for all semester, till the end of my academic year. untill i get clinic rotation, i should get the best score for all. please Nin, please Allah, please... please let it be.
you should work harder Nin, Study harder Nin... get your sleeping time less, please read more, please pay much attention more, please be focus more, please please please....
and please dearest Allah, dont let me alone without Your guidance, please be close to me, please grant all my wishes, shape me into someone beautiful inside and out, let me have the inner peace to control any destructive things from outside.


and December... please be good:)

the rainy days.

updated: i am working on the project i've been dreaming for years and i'll get paid for it. HOW FUN!:P

college stuffs still fill my days. as usual. as it should be. but now i can manage my time better. i just realized that.... what if i die tomorrow. when i only had my time to study all the time and still cant get the best grade; would i regret? would i be sorry? and the answer is just a big yes. so i try to enjoy the days, better. i have fun everyday, cherish every moment, wasting time (a tiny bit:p in a guilty feeling:p), but at least.... i don't postpone happiness:) because happiness is what we should feel in every thing we do. happiness brings joy and it should be within us every day. even a big storm get trough me, i should have a happiness inside myself so i can get trough bad days and see a clear rainbow after that. Allah teaches me this, in every possible way. Allah trynna to tell me this in every way He could but i just sooooo real late to realize this. after i got a little...(let's say it's little to make me feel less guilty, k?) failure. well, failure is never really a failure if we can get a real value from it:)

and i just realized that, i have the bestest friends i could possibly have. had a great time with them last week and they're always remembering me about who i really am, or at least who i was, so i can get back to the place where i start. so i can remember all the things that put me here. so when i'm about to give up, i just run to it, instead. thank you guys. i cant get the better version of you. never. ever:)

diss the little-cold and creative one, sandy the wise and widely open minded one, anna the...hyperbolic-yet-so-sweet-and-talkative one, and ririe the understanding and outstandingly wellknown one:p i love you guys. more than any word can describe. thank you for being there at my ups and especially at my downs:)

and i love the rain. i love how i remember those days before, the smell of the rain last year, or the last two years, or more. i just love the end of the year. i love designing my life, again. i love my life, and the most of all, i love you Allah. thanks for Your guidance so far. im so blessed having You in my life:)

thank you for the jerks, also, for treating me that bad. so i can finally see the good guy, clearly:)

writing is my passion. drawing is my hobby. and going abroad is my deepest wish. so let's working hard for them. bismillahirahmanirahim:)

bad dream, if i couldn't say it was nightmare.

i've trough the first block of this semester. and i could say i've got notsogood grades. i was hoping for getting 4 for my first GPA but..... it's kinda.... mm needs more than just a hardwork and prayer. should be a miracle there. i learnt too much out of the subjects i need to be good at. i was too excited and more proud. i wasn't smart enough to study. i studied hard but not so smart. but i should thank Allah for this. i've learnt SO MUCH trough these hard times:) yes, grades are big things.

now im gonna talking about... wearing hijab.

it's been a while since it's bombing lately. variety of hijabs are everywhere, remembering me that Indonesia is one of those moslem-majority country. i've been wearing hijab since i was about 4 but strictly wear that since i was 7. and never knew the value behind that until i was in high school.

my kinda-religious high school learnt me so many things.

hijab is not hijab unless it covered all the body parts that need to be covered plus chest.covering your hair is not only covering around the head but as wide to cover your chest-area also. hijab shouldn't let us showing out shape by using some kinda "shaping" tops or jeans. everything we wear should be loose and good. but it needs time, i appreciate people who try to wear hijab even it's not perfectly hijab but they've tried. i haven't wear the hijab perfectly good too..:)

but one thing, IT'S NOT the readiness or the clean and good heart we should have BEFORE we wear hijab. because that would never be a readiness, or a clean, good heart UNLESS we wear hijab itself. the hijab stops us doing something not appropriate. and it stops me doing MANY bad things... alhamdulillah:)

i'm trying my best to wear the most appropriate and good-looking hijab, but at times i failed. and i haven't been at my best in religious-stuff. but i wish i have more courage to do much more betterment on that. i love You, Allah.

i love how You give me scenes of life, let me cry but give me total laugh at the end. how You give me lessons of life in the way i can't even thought before. You give me freedom and peaceful at the same time. You give me the people i really need and the ones that make me happy the most. You're the center of my life. i hope i can do much more for You. i hope You will be closer to me, in me. Thank You, Allah:)

last night i spent the weekend with Dissa and Anna which was so fun and.. they're the ones that fit me perfectly. they're my bestest mate:)

phases.

No I'm not color blind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an open mind but...
I just can't sleep on this tonight
Stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly won't someone stop this train

Don't know how else to say it, don't want to see my parents go
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own

Stop this train
I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't but honestly won't someone stop this train

So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game to find away to say that life has just begun
Had a talk with my old man
Said help me understand
He said turn 68, you'll renegotiate
Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
Don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we'll never stop this train

See once in a while when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
'til you cry when you're driving away in the dark.

Singing stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take this speed it's moving in
I know I can't
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train


John Mayer - Stop This Train.



this might be the sing that fits me the best this time. i feel like i've flown too fast, i feel like dont wanna go trough these all; in short i feel like wanna give up, if i didnt remember the efforts i made.

college life is frustrating. the people are hard. i don't feel comfortable here. at first.

but let me look at the past. the past that shows me how i wanted this so bad. the past that shows me how big effort i made for this.
now i'm ready to start all over. im ready to get trough this no matter what.
and let alone the past be past. let present be present (gift), and believe in what future will give. i believe more in Allah, which has always helped me trough hard time. last week was probably the hardest week in my 17th age. and i cried almost everynight:")

but i aint be that weak. im gonna stand still and prove those bad people that im gonna be a valuable person. amin:)

cerita kebun binatang

"kamu mau pergi?"
"apa ada yang tertinggal? jangan coba-coba bilang itu hatiku. jangan pura-pura itu belum hilang ditengah jalan berhari-hari yang lalu."
"tolong.. jangan seperti ini ..."
"apa? kamu. kamu yang jangan kayak gini. ngiket pake kata-kata, tapi ngelepas aku sebebas-bebasnya ke kebun binatang."
"tapi binatang-binatang itu punya kandang."
"tapi mereka juga masih bisa meneriaki aku! masih bisa menakut-nakuti aku..."
"kamu takut?"
"siapa yang enggak? kamu nggak ngerti."
"aku selalu berusaha buat ngerti.."
"mana buktinya? kalau kamu ngerti, coba peduli lebih banyak. lihat aku. apa aku aman? apa aku nyaman? peduli, itu?"

percakapan itu membuyarkan mimpi indahku semalam; pergi ke kebun binatang, saat tanteku masih hidup. itu adalah saat pertama dan terakhir kalinya aku ke kebun binatang. kebun binatang....

***

walking in between fantasy and reality.

i've been encouraging myself to write blog post for weeks. 'i have to write these all!' said my mind to my body. but i don't feel like writing anything until this exact time. 11.00 pm. i don't know what i really wanna write, but i just wanna picture you my reality.

i've accepted in the best med school in Indonesia, said QS surveys. proud? yes i am. but life isn't just about pride, right? this is kinda hard. not saying about the subjects, bcs actually i haven't started any class yet. the first block has its own schedule; unlike other majors, the freshmen of medschool have a week (more) off.

i've been around with smart-ass people, and some of them said they only relied on their luck. well, in this case i mostly said my hardwork and prayer that helped me so much to get in here. there are so many new people. some of them are good, but the rest are.. i don't know. i just hasn't got the time to know them better yet. i feel like left behind, when some of my friends have their own circle of friends. i only know some better. i'm not sure whether it is my circle friends or not, i just feel most comfortable with those few ones.

i know, college life will be rude and the people are also kinda individuals living together. but i just.... haven't got used to it. at that time i felt. what for i get into this school? i could be more relaxed if i were majoring something more light, that wasn't about anyone's life, that didn't put as much pride as this thing, that didn't get as much attention as this. but what for am i complaining? then i asked my self. for nothing. i have to be responsible for what I've chosen.

then Allah gave me a reminder. i read an article about saving gaza last 2010. i remembered what i have to do. what i wanna do. cancer, kids, internal medicine and war victims are still my favorite. i still have such a big heart for doing medical stuff, learn more about that.


i just don't comfortable with the people... yet.
and i kinda dislike a very few ones.


but im very thankful i've got some new nice friends. i hope everything will go smoothly soon. really soon.
thanks for the big support, girls. no one would replace any of you. not even a guy... yet!:p

last friday

yeah, if it's not clear enough, this is the last friday before the college life starts. i am excited beside very scared of what will be coming to me. new friends, new place, new subjects; as i wanted, and (please) still want are really... matters. i always picture on my mind, studying in a peaceful place, and stay focus on study, like staying in library for hours, staying up late for reading. but i can't guarantee i would do that..... but i have to. i have to. i have to.

it's not that i am not clearly being thankful of all of this. but, im afraid this will be far from what i've imagined. i always afraid to face the reality. i was living in a drama i made for lightening my reality. well, the reality had punched me a little. i met few college friends and see some of them in facebook group. im so sorry to write this, but i don't feel comfortable with them. or just not yet? i don't really know.

most of those who wants to be doctors want to get most money, or follow what their parents want them to do, or just have no idea what their super good brains are for.
i hate the fact that i'll not be with those who are passionately help the world to cure it the best.
they're not global minded. they think that taking med school and have specialization study after that are the best thing they could ever do.
i wanna meet people who dream about making new medicine, cure hiv/aids, have a project on cancer cells. well, i am sorry for being so under estimate, over reacting, and so judging at the first meet. i know this is wrong, but i don't wanna disappointed more than this.


but this aint about those others students. this is how can you help the world instead. if being an ordinary curing doctor helps the world, i'm sure i will be one of them. but.... im gonna make it clear how i wanna help the world, but first i wanna be the part of it. i wanna study abroad. most of people say: we doctors dont need to go abroad 'cause it's different thing we learn in other country and make no benefit when we come back home.
well, i'll prove you wrong. small-minded guys that got trapped in bureaucracy are the ones i expect the least i wanna learn from. i wanna be around world-class tutors, wide-minded people, thick books, hard worker people, independent students, and all. i want the experiences and the study. please please please, Allah, let me get this dream:)
amin..