:)

one little thing

i once promised myself to stop writing anything personal here. i even wanted to make this blog private bcs i want to make another blog which contains the writing materials i used to write for my online magazine back then. i missed writing about lifestyle, current trend, tips&tricks. i read so much that i have an urge to share it back. i even had bought a diary so i dont need to write out here (should be). plus, i've got my fellas outta there, i thought, who need t owrite anything personal, here?

but i was wrong.

sometimes the only one i could hold on into is myself. sometimes i cannot count on anyone. why should others concern about me as if they hadnt had enough stuffs in mind? they have busy life already.

writing in a diary; i used to do that since elementary school till high school. i write things, so much. almost each day. but it's not like writing a blog. in a blog, even it's almost no one outta there who read it, i act like there is anyone, or a bunch of people who read it. i write not only about the things i feel, but something that i finally could learn about. just so the reader not only read about the days of my life , but they got something over here.

and there is the time, when i thought i'm gonna be fine, but then i'm not. i thought i could do that, but the fact i am hardly believe in myself. i thought i could pass this, but the fact is, i dont know how to face another day.

this week, i sleep a lot. in the night i sleep almost 9-10 hours, in the noon i sleep for 1-3 hours. i wish i could getting numb by the time i woke up, but i didn't. i wish i could pause the time the moment i slept, but the fact is the time's still running right after i opened my eyes.

it's not something so bad. i just have that kind of thing. one bad thing happens. i ignore it. then things get worse and i remember all the bad things as if i dont deserve all the good things. this is the time when i usually tell sandy. to help me feel better. but long story, she's not currently available.

i know how it feels to be miserable and alone so i try mybest to be a good company for anyone, though not everyone knows how to be one, or even have a slight willingness to try to be one.

i know. i know i can get up on my own feet. i know i have God Who will help me. but going through this before the sun comes up is just not easy. and i know, it's kind of mind trick, i could make it bigger or smaller only with my mind. but.. i almost have no energy to do that.

but you know, i have the largest source of energy called Allah. so i think i'm gonna be fine, in time:)

just found out

"However, love isn’t a one-time deal — for some it may be, but for most people, it takes a couple of tries to find someone who will meld together with them into each other’s perfect puzzle piece. And don’t get me wrong, it’s not because you didn’t love all of the previous people you fell in love with, but it’s because you didn’t exactly fit together. Think of them as that puzzle piece we tried to pair up together because it looked like they would fit, and maybe one part of the piece clicked, but no matter how hard we tried, not its entirety.

Love isn’t just a matter of feeling. It’s a matter of circumstance. Many people have stated that timing is everything, but I believe circumstance is that umbrella which encompasses timing, personal development, and personal stability.

No matter how much you love someone, if their career takes them away, if they’re struggling personally and financially, or if you’re both simply adjusting into two different phases of life, it will most likely not work out or it will be extremely difficult to see eye-to-eye or even spend time with each other. To put it simply, if you can’t keep yourself afloat, stable, or happy just yet, you won’t really have the time to fully cherish someone else in your life.

There are times in life where regardless of how in love you are, the circumstances don’t add up to keep each other in your lives. The circumstances have to be right: when you’re mature enough to handle the commitment, the conflicts and the differences in a relationship, and also when you’re stable enough to have the freedom to dedicate your time, money, and efforts to making another person happy. You have to love yourself first, love your life second, and only then can you fully love and commit to another person and maintain a healthy, long-lasting relationship. "

the most academically-dense months

10th june: exam

23rd june: exam

2nd july : exam

and im studying for about 7-10 days before the exams. almost a month straight of studying from waking up in the morning to the night sleep. 

and then thesis revision and completing the whole thesis.

and then  practical exam called osce.

and then thesis defense (crossing fingers)

this is gonna be worth it. this is gonna be worth it. 

plot-twist in 2014

it's almost a half of the year and i've been trough the ups and downs i've never gotten in the past. i am fully thankful to Allah who gave me this kind of thrills that i never expected before. but to be truth, living day by day, wondering, praying, enjoying and also being surprised of what's coming isn't that easy, and that's what makes my life seems wonderful.

family: there was a point in early 2014 that i thought, my family was perfect. perfect as individuals and as a whole. but then turned out i saw the flaws both in the persons and the connections between us. it wasnt easy to finally realize that it's pretty much normal to have family with a lot of flaws, though there's nothing perfect in the whole world. and i finally realized, that in the imperfections of themselves, in their struggling to make a good family, they will always be my best support system. ever.

friends: years ago, i was in the lowest point of what-so-called friendship. i lost my faith on that, i hate those things, and all. but slowly, it's all gone by the comings of my best friends in high school. did they try to change me? not explicitly. i was just feel loved that i felt like i have a strength to fix myself. then i finally could believe in other human. but the things got little messy in the end of 2013, which made me a bit shattered. so in the early 2014 i was about to lose all the connections with friends. i was so arrogant that i thought i could live alone. but the fact was, i was really miserable living that life. then that was the time i once talked to my best friend, said anything i held back, and felt relieved. that was the time i finally realized that, the real best friend is one of the God's biggest blessings in life. the one that i should take care of.

love: i was sooo focused on myself and others that i thought i had least care on the lovey dovey thingies, until my life broke all in once, in the not-so-early 2014. then that was the guy who had always been there, the one that no matter how ugly i treated him, he still stayed. and i realized that he may the only guy who could do that. who could be nice and all without me being insecure of his existence. then after a lot of disconnections, i tried, again. and soon after i took that decision, i felt the same, old, disconnection i always had with him. it's not something about him, nor something about me (as i always questioning this to Sandy: why i always failed in a realtionship?). it was something between us that is just not connected. im such an idealistic. however how stupid it sounds, i believe there would be someone who i could bear with no matter what, just because i feel connected. some poet may call it chemistry. so i thought, i should let him know and try to let go, let go of himself, let go of the future image of us being happy, someday (cs i thought we both would eventually change and be connected). then i felt a bit frustrated of failing again. and since i dont know when, someone comes along. :)

academic, career, future: i've always had solid image in my mind about the future me. not until i talked about this with a person few days ago, not until i saw a tedx video, that i realized, that the thing we imagined now about 5 years or 10 years later may be not relevant with the future 'now' anymore. that the ability to imagine the future is the prove of human's lacking of imagination, bcs we may fail to imagine the real us in the next 10 years, said the tedx video. this year, is the year i felt really energized, and hopeless, and full of visions, and failed, and all. i was feel like i was so helpless... this semester i finally realized that im no longer holding cumlaude gpa and how hard it is to raise it. this broke all my future-self imagination. i had the spirit, then i failed, i burnt out. i felt like i've done all the things i could do but still, the result wasnt as good as i wanted. but then i prayed, a lot. i read the positive essays/articles of struggling and getting back from failing, and all. not too much, but i try the best to surround myself wih the hard work environment. even it's only zero poin something, i finally got my gpa raised. it's a bit enlightening for me. and about my undergraduate thesis, i was being promised to have the proposal seminar in the early feb, then it was held on until april/mei, then it was cancelled 6 hours before we presented. i almost cried. i'd done 2 revisions by that date, and i was so prepared. i was really dissapointed, until i finally presented my proposal in Mei and i felt like one of the huge rocks on my back was gone. and then i saw my friends one by one did the final thesis seminar. 

it's like this academic/school thingies is a long marathon i should win every lap. (should I, really?) :)

i feel really blessed to survived all the ups and downs, being helped by the family and friends over here, and being calmed down by the prayers i sent or by the way they're sent back to me. :)

summer holiday!

alhamdulillah, the exams had ended and all i have is just summer holiday!
no..:)
these two months i will dedicate myself to my academic stuffs like make-up tests and finishing my thesis. did i just type it?:')
hope these things will go smoothly. hope i could graduate in the right time with good GPA. ameen. :)

may memories

it's hard to keep up with blogging while you already had twitter, path, instagram to update about yourlife and all. but here is, i'm a committed blogger even there's no one read that bcs i just love to look back at my previous post and remembering me how far the time has brought me.
this is what May has given to me so far:

1. everyone has a problem. dont ever dare to judge
like how i was dissapointed by few people who turned out they had real issues than just mine. how the people who acclaimed not having any problems actually have it but they hadnt realized it just now, and all.
2. be grateful & do your part
'cause God only gives us and wants us to do and take our own portions. it's specially there for us.
3. God over anything
and Allah is the best thing happened in my life.
4. stop procrastinating
i hate to say this but really, procrastinating leads me to waste lots of time and tons of works which was really really depressing in the end. hate it.
5. healthy life style isn't only a title of our last block in the third year
it's a real thing we should always think about and do every single day. no healthy day no cheating day, because we're just living the healthy lifestyle not only the healthy life-trend.