the last post of 2011

is this really the end, dear 2011? 'cause it's like only a blink of eye. remembering 2011 so far.... is like remembering.... nothing? i've been busy doing things, running, changing, working hard, to get the dream i've been dreaming. until now, these days, i'm still busy to chase almost everything. "you cant be as young as you are today". so i wanna spend it more on exploring my self. who am i?

and i have nooooo idea about 2012 resolution. i mean.. i've been having new year resolution for years and now i have no days off and i cant think much of things but few academic stuffs. i miss high school, for its ups and downs, dramas, naive-dreams, and all. but you know, life's keep going no matter what. so i'll try to cheerish every moment knowing that i cant bring the exact past into present.

let's say. this year, i've found stronger faith in Allah. Allah gives me all i need, He's my all. He gives me the lesson of life in a very unexpected but beautiful way. i love it how i can find reason beyond everything. i also found that... jerks are around and i let them around because i had lack of confidence... well i still have. i thought if anything bad happens, it must be me. all the time, while it's not. feelings aren't as simple as one person's fault or bunch of people's faults. it's way more complicated than that so i decided to stay away from that kinda things awhile... :) this year i also have revealed the real friends o mine. some are just nice, some just really complete myself. some are kinda fake and some are just so true that i can be true to myself too when im with them. getting into medschool, my favorite medschool, is also the biggest thing that's happened this year. it's been a good days with those other medstudents.. medschool is really really good. i love it here, really, finally. i found some nice college mates and thhey're enough for now. this year i also turn to be 17. what an age.. people said. but i have 18-19 years old friends, most, so i dont feel like a 17 years old girl. now age doesnt matter anymore, i mean seventeen years old doesnt mean anything for now. not having some kinda miracles or sparkling dust all over my body... everything stays the same except myself. i know im changing, and i know who i wanna be, but you know, as einstein said: there's a relativity. i know i'm changing into someone i want, but i may less notice it. maybe i've been turning into monster or somehting i dont really know, and dont really think, also. all i know is im trying my best to make my life as good as it could be.

and now i really wanna thank Allah for the bless this year. this could be the year of awakening, maturity process, re-build my self. thank You, Allah, for letting me be this self. thank You for the lessons, the mistakes, the achievement. thank You...:) i would never thank You enough for the life You're giving to me:)

thankyou family, friends, and all. thank you....:) this year has been really good... with its ups and downs, i stilll can enjoy 2011. the year of total hard work, if i could name this year. thank you!!

now designing the next year. here some new year resolution of mine:

1. get closer to Allah, fix myself as a religious person-should be:)

2. have a really strong bond with family

3. have straight A for every block, smarter and more dilligent and discipline.

4. can drive a car

5. can cook few meals

6. be a vegan!

7. get 5000.000 rupiahs from sallary savings

8. have a good time menegement

9. inspire MANY people:)

10. get my confidence back with less egoistic side.

11. have a healthy life style; good diets, regular exercise, drink more mineral water.

over all i only wanna be the better version of me in every possible way. amin:)

but generally, i just wanna be the whole ability a woman ever need. in the first 3 months i wanna learn to drive safely, and the next 3 months i wanna learn to cook, and the next 3 months maybe learn about some arts, and the last 3 months? evaluating or doing any thing:)

now what's yours? happy new year people! thankyou!!

family vacay

desember. my favorite month

i have plenty of ideas about what to write here. i miss blogging. digging back to the past moments i've tasted, felt again, and be strong again. i miss reading about the days i've passed. if you read my post since the very first time im here, you'll see how much i grow up. from the noisy and emotional girl turn into a person with more thoughts and fake smile but still, happy inside with bittersweet past and great friends.

i always adore how Allah gives me scenes of life. i always surprised of the His new directions. i always find lesson and reason beyond every mistakes, every ups and downs. i always wondering; who's the best guy on earth that He'll give to me. who'll i end up to be. what will my life would turn out in the end.

i really want a smart guy. a smart guy who knows about life, who passionately chase his degree on college, who really loves me, who passionately curious about life, the guys who can be a religiously living the life without being looked like so freak, he should be relax more than me, optimistic and positive thinker, he should be a very boyish and manly one, he should love soccer, a bit stubborn, but very gentle and caring, he should be thinking about future much and me inside that, he should be a man with big imagination about the globalization future and how he's living that way, he must understand how i adore john mayer and Sore, it's better if he loves indie and easy listening music too, would be nice if he can play basketball and guitar, he should be love reading and spending time on travelling and watching good movie. i want a family guy, who love his family and he should be independent, not spend much cash on something unnecessary, should not be tweeting much (i know), and we should meet on the right time at the right place in the right situation.
fuck. im crazy writing about this. but at least i know what i want and i dont wanna have any relationship unless it would be with that guy or.... i dont think it will last long.


i've been doing a new job, which is good. and what about your study? i almost forget im on medschool at this very moment. im listening to john mayer, looking at good pictures on website, writing a bit craps of my days, looking at the timeline in twitter, seeing how much people wine and moan this days. i havent been prepariing for the study-case tomorrow. i havent been writing work plan, or any of that. i just wanna lay in bed, doing nothing but writing, listening music, and doing all my favorite things i havent been done lately. i need more me-time. i really need that. or just those successful people have it less?

well, i actually never had a free weekend, each weekend, i need to go out, meet somebody else, and all. at some point, i was happy. but then i felt like i lost some kind of inner joy. i have time with my self less. i have time to think about my self less. i need to do some betterment but it wont happen unless i think about it and have my self loose. as i am doing now.




here comes again december. the month when i love to reflex back into the days before, the months before. yes, i need the change in my life. i need to re-state what i should become. im kinda lost nowadays. one thing i should be clear on: my number one priority is study. i should get the straight A for all classes, for all blocks, for all semester, till the end of my academic year. untill i get clinic rotation, i should get the best score for all. please Nin, please Allah, please... please let it be.
you should work harder Nin, Study harder Nin... get your sleeping time less, please read more, please pay much attention more, please be focus more, please please please....
and please dearest Allah, dont let me alone without Your guidance, please be close to me, please grant all my wishes, shape me into someone beautiful inside and out, let me have the inner peace to control any destructive things from outside.


and December... please be good:)

the rainy days.

updated: i am working on the project i've been dreaming for years and i'll get paid for it. HOW FUN!:P

college stuffs still fill my days. as usual. as it should be. but now i can manage my time better. i just realized that.... what if i die tomorrow. when i only had my time to study all the time and still cant get the best grade; would i regret? would i be sorry? and the answer is just a big yes. so i try to enjoy the days, better. i have fun everyday, cherish every moment, wasting time (a tiny bit:p in a guilty feeling:p), but at least.... i don't postpone happiness:) because happiness is what we should feel in every thing we do. happiness brings joy and it should be within us every day. even a big storm get trough me, i should have a happiness inside myself so i can get trough bad days and see a clear rainbow after that. Allah teaches me this, in every possible way. Allah trynna to tell me this in every way He could but i just sooooo real late to realize this. after i got a little...(let's say it's little to make me feel less guilty, k?) failure. well, failure is never really a failure if we can get a real value from it:)

and i just realized that, i have the bestest friends i could possibly have. had a great time with them last week and they're always remembering me about who i really am, or at least who i was, so i can get back to the place where i start. so i can remember all the things that put me here. so when i'm about to give up, i just run to it, instead. thank you guys. i cant get the better version of you. never. ever:)

diss the little-cold and creative one, sandy the wise and widely open minded one, anna the...hyperbolic-yet-so-sweet-and-talkative one, and ririe the understanding and outstandingly wellknown one:p i love you guys. more than any word can describe. thank you for being there at my ups and especially at my downs:)

and i love the rain. i love how i remember those days before, the smell of the rain last year, or the last two years, or more. i just love the end of the year. i love designing my life, again. i love my life, and the most of all, i love you Allah. thanks for Your guidance so far. im so blessed having You in my life:)

thank you for the jerks, also, for treating me that bad. so i can finally see the good guy, clearly:)

writing is my passion. drawing is my hobby. and going abroad is my deepest wish. so let's working hard for them. bismillahirahmanirahim:)

bad dream, if i couldn't say it was nightmare.

i've trough the first block of this semester. and i could say i've got notsogood grades. i was hoping for getting 4 for my first GPA but..... it's kinda.... mm needs more than just a hardwork and prayer. should be a miracle there. i learnt too much out of the subjects i need to be good at. i was too excited and more proud. i wasn't smart enough to study. i studied hard but not so smart. but i should thank Allah for this. i've learnt SO MUCH trough these hard times:) yes, grades are big things.

now im gonna talking about... wearing hijab.

it's been a while since it's bombing lately. variety of hijabs are everywhere, remembering me that Indonesia is one of those moslem-majority country. i've been wearing hijab since i was about 4 but strictly wear that since i was 7. and never knew the value behind that until i was in high school.

my kinda-religious high school learnt me so many things.

hijab is not hijab unless it covered all the body parts that need to be covered plus chest.covering your hair is not only covering around the head but as wide to cover your chest-area also. hijab shouldn't let us showing out shape by using some kinda "shaping" tops or jeans. everything we wear should be loose and good. but it needs time, i appreciate people who try to wear hijab even it's not perfectly hijab but they've tried. i haven't wear the hijab perfectly good too..:)

but one thing, IT'S NOT the readiness or the clean and good heart we should have BEFORE we wear hijab. because that would never be a readiness, or a clean, good heart UNLESS we wear hijab itself. the hijab stops us doing something not appropriate. and it stops me doing MANY bad things... alhamdulillah:)

i'm trying my best to wear the most appropriate and good-looking hijab, but at times i failed. and i haven't been at my best in religious-stuff. but i wish i have more courage to do much more betterment on that. i love You, Allah.

i love how You give me scenes of life, let me cry but give me total laugh at the end. how You give me lessons of life in the way i can't even thought before. You give me freedom and peaceful at the same time. You give me the people i really need and the ones that make me happy the most. You're the center of my life. i hope i can do much more for You. i hope You will be closer to me, in me. Thank You, Allah:)

last night i spent the weekend with Dissa and Anna which was so fun and.. they're the ones that fit me perfectly. they're my bestest mate:)

phases.

No I'm not color blind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an open mind but...
I just can't sleep on this tonight
Stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly won't someone stop this train

Don't know how else to say it, don't want to see my parents go
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own

Stop this train
I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't but honestly won't someone stop this train

So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game to find away to say that life has just begun
Had a talk with my old man
Said help me understand
He said turn 68, you'll renegotiate
Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
Don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we'll never stop this train

See once in a while when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
'til you cry when you're driving away in the dark.

Singing stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take this speed it's moving in
I know I can't
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train


John Mayer - Stop This Train.



this might be the sing that fits me the best this time. i feel like i've flown too fast, i feel like dont wanna go trough these all; in short i feel like wanna give up, if i didnt remember the efforts i made.

college life is frustrating. the people are hard. i don't feel comfortable here. at first.

but let me look at the past. the past that shows me how i wanted this so bad. the past that shows me how big effort i made for this.
now i'm ready to start all over. im ready to get trough this no matter what.
and let alone the past be past. let present be present (gift), and believe in what future will give. i believe more in Allah, which has always helped me trough hard time. last week was probably the hardest week in my 17th age. and i cried almost everynight:")

but i aint be that weak. im gonna stand still and prove those bad people that im gonna be a valuable person. amin:)

cerita kebun binatang

"kamu mau pergi?"
"apa ada yang tertinggal? jangan coba-coba bilang itu hatiku. jangan pura-pura itu belum hilang ditengah jalan berhari-hari yang lalu."
"tolong.. jangan seperti ini ..."
"apa? kamu. kamu yang jangan kayak gini. ngiket pake kata-kata, tapi ngelepas aku sebebas-bebasnya ke kebun binatang."
"tapi binatang-binatang itu punya kandang."
"tapi mereka juga masih bisa meneriaki aku! masih bisa menakut-nakuti aku..."
"kamu takut?"
"siapa yang enggak? kamu nggak ngerti."
"aku selalu berusaha buat ngerti.."
"mana buktinya? kalau kamu ngerti, coba peduli lebih banyak. lihat aku. apa aku aman? apa aku nyaman? peduli, itu?"

percakapan itu membuyarkan mimpi indahku semalam; pergi ke kebun binatang, saat tanteku masih hidup. itu adalah saat pertama dan terakhir kalinya aku ke kebun binatang. kebun binatang....

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