Peds dept.

paediatric dept was one of the most exhausting yet the most exciting at the same time. children go unstable unbelievably easily. tight monitoring on the night shift was terribble (which happened pretty often, like every single night of our night shifts), made us lack of sleep & become crancky in the morning. early morning report & daily duties forced us to be awake in the noon. we went home to take a loooong sleep just to wake up in the morning with the exact same routine. and in the midst of that, we need to study, a lot.
 day to day, we saw them got better gradually, the happiness that was drawn visibly on their parents' faces, that oh-so-happy-and-relieved face to know that they could go home today, and actually, it felt like family. the community got bigger and stronger (and nicer, and warmer, and kinder, and anything like a home in a hospital).
 there were also the days when the kids got worse. we need to rescucitate them, we didn't sleep to make sure they didn't forget to breath, we checked them every 15 minutes to finally found them died few hours later. the cries were devastating. the parents went mad. and we, the ones who checked on them for times were in silence. it was like 'he was with me an hour ago. and now he's gone?'.

the hospital i was in, was quite big. there were kids with HIV +, congenital heart disease, other congenital anomaly, kidney disease, terrible infections, and cancer, lots of it. they went back and forth to the hospital, left their school, missed their friends, couldn't play outsite and forgot what it feels to be under the sun and the rain. they cried at times, they were tired, frustrated, bored, and in pain. the moment when we tried to comfort them were the moment that made them cried worse because they're afraid of those who wears white coat.

 but to be honest, in spite of the LOTS of works in peds (and i meant A LOT), it was one of the most rewarding dept i've ever been on. the instant gratification we got from the kids and the parents were wonderful. when the kids got sick, it's quite pricey, the parents can't go to work, the kids can't go to school, and the family stick around the hospital bed. it's unhealthy even for the parents' wellbeing. so whenever we told them that their kids had got better, they couldnt hide their smiles. and when we finally told them that they could go home today, they were beyond happy. the way they thanked us was incredibly rewarding. in the other hand, the doctors (paediatricians) put a lot of commitment to stay update with the latest treatment and technology so their patients can get the best possible service they could ever get. with that kind of work and that kind of reward, i felt something that i couldn't get from any other department.

 it's always been a pleasure to do what i love and love what i do :)

 P.s.: wrote this because i was on tears reading Humans of New York Page, talking about Paeditric Cancer. made me remember about all of those. :')

Taking a pause

It's been quite long time since i posted the last blog post, not because i didn't want to, but really, the schedule was sooo tight, i was suffocating. it was hard to breathe when you have your weekdays and weekend occupied by hospital-related work. i got so little time to be with my family since i took all the free hours to sleep, eat and study.

i haven't even recovered from the previous rotation, then here comes another 10 weeks of rotation packed with lots of night shifts. i almost went insane but then i took deep breath and long pause. i haven't been studying anything at all for these past week, i haven't done anything academic-related. i've been spending my time to be with my family, to go out, to read my fav book, to watch youtube videos, et cetera. i'm not a hundred percent ready to be back with hospital routine yet:(

in the midst of the crazy schedule, i found a competition held by Periplus to post on Instagram a picture with book as our companion. I was soooo excited to join that competition and i ended up posting like 5 or 6 photos during that period. let's pray that i would win that! *finger crossed* i took my free time during the weekend or after my morning shift to organize my books, take lots of pictures of them, create perfect caption and post it. i really poured my heart on that competition, by the way! hahaha.

To be truth, it's been such a rough month for me. December should be my favorite month when i can reflect back of what i've done for the past 12 months, and plan my new year resolution, but the fact is, i dont feel like i could function a hundred percent for these past few weeks. the hospital-related duty absorbs most of my energy and left me so little to just even survive that day. i wish i remember how excited i was to be in clinical rotation, but to be truth, it's really really tiring. i wish i could spend my time doing things that i love, not only to be in hospital for around 80 hours per week.

What helped me the most during these hard weeks were my new addiction to Kinfolk, my highschool sweethearts, my college mates and few youtube videos. i know i cannot be alone, i need anyone else, anything else, to share my thoughts, to talk to, to joke around, et cetera, but i couldn't find that in the hospital because everyone else was so busy taking care of their own bussiness, and there were less time for us to even socialize. So i tried to connect with my friends a lot, i asked them out, i bought things that probably could make me happy.

Today is the perfect example of what i've been trying to do with mylife: trying to make myself happy and content despite of any circumtances. Today i started my day in the hospital, and got back at 3 pm, i went to mall right after, bought myself a pair of shoes since i only had two pairs and both of them become slippery, pairs of socks, few pieces of doughnuts and ended that afternoon with a full bowl of bakso kuah when it was raining hard outside. then i went home and have convo with the whole family. our conversation was the one what that made this rainy night less cold than it  should be.

i know for some people what i've been doing is just an ordinary thing; everyone can go to Mall and do shopping and eat a lot, meet their family, et cetera. but for me, these things are such a luxury. i haven't had time for myself, to take care of myself. i even hadn't gotten time to cut my messy hair until last weekend. my new haircut still didn't satisfy me, so i cut it way shorter all by myself, and surprisingly it turned out really really really good!!

This week is a starter week for the next ten weeks. i've been taking a long pause so next week, i need to be more energized than i am today. it's hard to go on a day when you're drained and has no spirit for that day, you can even become denial and it's even more tiring. so i hope i can recover fast and be ready to face another big challange for the next two months. wish me luck!:)

Self Worth

I learnt in the hard way that our self-worth is not defined by others, but by ourselves. The reason why we will never feel enough about ourselves is because we know ourselves way better than any single person in the whole world. We know every little details that we have, even our dirtiest, worst thoughts that once crossed on our mind, every little tiny memory about the bad things in our childhood and all. But the fact is: no one else knows that. No one but yourself. It’s your choice whether you let them know or not, what you perceive about yourself is what you show to others too.
And maybe, we need to forgive ourselves for being an imperfect human, for making mistakes, for choosing the wrong path, for doing the things we’re not fully aware of, and for simply being ourselves. We might be silly, foolish, lazy and all, but it’s us. If we don’t love ourselves, who would? We’ve gotta work hard to become the person we wanna be, and yet after all, we need to accept who we really are.

I had through a bumpy road before I started to love myself. I need makeup, cute dresses, pink stationaries, black basics, good books, tasty good, few short stories, lovers, best friends, social projects, school, good grades, events, music, movies, and other little things to make me feel good about myself. I also need various social media to know how to accept and even love myself. I grew up knowing I was disliked by my closest friends in class in elementary school, junior high, and senior high. Few weeks or months of rejection made me hated myself. It’s quite hard to finally love myself back, to know that it’s okay to be not okay, it’s ok to make mistakes and be weird and be myself. It took freaking bloody years. I rejected people, I pushed people away, I chained myself to bad companies, I lost myself in the process and it feels really good to finally find myself back.

Bad company corrupts great soul. Cut the ties with the ones who weighed you down, who throw you to your lowest point, who drive you mad, who don’t let you grow, who pushed you to be something that you’re not. Being alone is scary and crazy and lonely and maddening sometimes, but nothing’s worse that being stuck with the person you don’t belong.

I need to be in my best condition to love myself. When life gets hard, I need to be grateful for every single thing in order to love myself.

I’m gonna tell you that it’s not easy at all. How is it supposed to be easy to love the freckles on your cheek? Or the tiny lipstick stain on your white t-shirt? We pay attention to little details, we know the most about our worst sides. But please, look at the bigger picture. Listen to your friend’s compliments about yourself. Sometimes you wonder: am I that good? But believe me, people believe that you’re that good. It’s what they see about you. They’re genuinely credit for what you’ve done. See the bigger pictures. Your flaw doesn’t define you. Your little tiny flaws don’t define you. Your billion flaws don’t define you. You define you. You, with your both positive and negative sides define you. What you’re thinking about yourself define you. Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself. Love yourself for who you are. Let people know who you truly are, let them love you for who you truly are. They will, eventually.


I know it’s hard and has a lot of things to do, but believe me, it’s totally worth it.

Separate Ways

Wanita ini melihatku tajam dan dalam, hingga dimensi ruang dan waktu tak kurasakan lagi. Ia adalah wanita yang pernah menjelaskan tentang miripnya mata manusia dengan antariksa, menganalogikan pupil dengan lubang hitam yang menarik semua hal dan menyimpan lebih banyak hal, dalam gelap. Aku merasa masuk kedalam lubang hitam matanya cukup dalam, sampai ia menyadarkanku.
"Aku udah nyari, tapi nggak ketemu.."
"Apa?"
"Perasaanku, perasaanku ke kamu yang dulu."
....
Apa ini?
"Maksudnya gimana, sayang?"
"Aku udah nyari sejak lama, dari ngulangin memori-memori kita, ke tempat-tempat favorit kita, ngeliat barang-barang yang kita udah kumpulin berdua, bahkan aku udah cari dari mata kamu, dari cara kamu mandang aku, tapi semua udah nggak ada. Perasaan itu udah nggak ada.."
Aku kehabisan kata-kata...
"Apa ada orang lain?"
"Nggak ada. Nggak ada orang lain. Perasaan aku ilang aja dan aku nggak tau harus cari kemana lagi."
"Gimana bisa?" Aku mulai terdengar frustasi.
"Mungkin hilang dalam proses kita selama ini. Apa selama ini perasaanku kamu jaga?"
Aku hanya bisa diam. Aku sudah cukup menjaganya, kan..
"Tapi kita udah punya komitmen, kan?"
"Iya. Tapi punya komitmen juga bukan berarti aku jaga perasaanku sendirian, kan."
... Long pause. Aku mengambil nafas panjang.
"Aku nggak ngerti."
"Kamu nggak harus ngerti sekarang.."
"Trus kamu maunya apa?"
"Jangan ada berantem. Jangan ada saling nyalahin. Aku cuma mau kita pisah aja."
"Aku.. Aku nggak mau."
"Percuma. Mau nggak mau, aku yang kamu sayang udah nggak ada lagi. Kamu mau sama aku berapa taun lagi juga sama aja; hati sama pikiranku udah nggak sama kamu."
And i can't speak a word.

Connection

The Connections
Currently listening: Novo Amor – Weather
Mood: common cold
Content: personal thought, self-reflection, metaphor.

I love human. For what it is, I love human’s connection utmost. It’s beautiful to see how two heads, two minds, and two hearts meet, trying to both win and lose for their own egos and for the sake of the other one(s). I love seeing vulnerability of humans that sometimes can be seen by the way they’re boasting of themselves. I love seeing the sparkling eyes during a lively conversation, talking about the things they love. I love to feel the heart break, to realize how weak and vulnerable we’re as human. Human is as complicated, as messy, as crazy, as kind and as nice as they ought to be.

During the long holiday, I found back my love in human’s connection. The past kept coming back the present wanted to have a little while more, and the future asked my commitment. The human’s connection is not always about the relationship between a girl and a boy being in love, it can be about two girls, two boys, a group of boys and girls, the blood-tied connection, the not-so strangers connection, and all of the eyes-meet-eyes random connection we all ever had. It is as universal as it ought to be.

I didn’t have a great connection with other humans back then. I was bullied, hated, and rejected. I was heart broke my biggest love itself; the human connection. I was such a failure, I thought. I mean, how could I fail at the thing that I love the most? It was as disconcerting as it ought to be.

I thought I was in the best connection when I had this connection. I was all happy and crazy and I thought I was in my best when I was in this connection. But actually, this connection destructed me from the very inside, made me feel like I wasn’t worth it, like I was the ugliest inside-out as a person. The abusive connection that was more damaging than I thought it would be. It was as catastrophic as tempting as it ought to be. And I was trapped for almost six years in the same old circle.

I’ve ever been in a connection which I was treasure a lot. This connection helped me through my darkest bit in my life. I couldn’t lose this one, I thought. I did all I could to have a working connection with this person, but as I walked by, I felt like this connection weren’t really working any longer. It wasn’t disconnected or something, but it seemed like the current wasn’t mutual in some ways. I wanted to keep this connection as long as possible, I ought this connection a lot more than I could ever pay back. But then once again, the tide wasn’t good.

It was a magical connection with the random person I never thought I would ever be with. It helped me with my own metaphorical dream. It was as magical as having an existence and an extinction in a blink of an eye. I thought I would never feel that way for twice, and I never did nor I thought I’d need. Because sometimes, being magical means becoming illusions too.

I love the color of grey, and I thought it would be great to have a grey connection. The problem was, grey wasn’t a true color. It was in between black and white. It could be easily biased by the amount of the opposite colors that was into it. And in between that unsettling color, I was giving up that connection.

There were connections which I was both so intimidated with and challenged too. They were as toxic as great as they were. They were a two-side knife which I didn’t know how to use it yet.

And I thought I was in the right balanced good connection when I realized I was a broken wire that could no longer serve a merely connection. The stream was too great I couldn’t handle. I was suffocated but then I survived by turning off the connection. I was too tired to even just bear with it.

There was one of the unforgiven connection which made me collapse, literally and figuratively. This connection I thought would be the easy one, the smooth one, but then it turned to be loathing; it made me doubt my own judgment and it ruined my life in months. I didn’t even believe my own mind-convo and it ruined my connection with myself somehow. This connection didn’t want to know my own capacity, I was so overwhelmed back then. I was intendedly cut the connection but it kept coming, it kept rushing the wave, it kept pushing me into my limit, and I was bursting into pieces.

 Until this very second, I cannot forgive myself for being in such a wasting connection. The connection I’ve never wanted in the first place, the connection I unexpectedly connect with, the connection that manipulate my life in months. I refrained myself for months, for the connection that did me no good at all, and now tell me how could I forgive myself, then?

A ghostly connection gave me the best high. It was like a treasure box in the deep sea which I could swim into but I need to be really calculated and careful too. Well, it was all worth it. like a ghost, it haunted me in the night, midnight to be exact, near morning. I was seduced by my own kind of hypnotic spell, I was in high unexpectedly, and I could say I got it enough.

They were good connections I had too that I just thought I didn’t want any longer. Not because connection was bad, but because the stream was not in the same harmony anymore. Or it may sing the same song but the output wasn’t sync. The disconnections could be just as simple as that.                                                                                            
There were also the connections that weren’t worth more than just few seconds. They were shown in the history but had no value more than just a quantity.

With the bad connections, there were also good connections. I was in such great connections when I can get up on my own feet when I was almost forget how to stand up. I was so excited even just to cherish the moment of that supportive and inspiring connections. I was lucky to have such a funny and easy going connections. There were unexpectedly great deep connections that I would never think of and could never lose. And I cannot be more thankful for having such loving, caring and patient connections during my ups and downs.

Well the thing is, I invest a lot in people, more than I should. With the great return, there comes a great risk; I fully understand that. I’ve let people broke me down into tiny little pieces, but there are people who helped me brush off my wounds, healed my pain, and took me into happy places. There were connections that let me grow bigger and better, more than I thought I could and I would.
I handpicked my own connections so it’s hard to forgive the disconnection I connected with at the first place. But as I believe in the great risk along with the great return, I also believe that the optimistic and positive connections I’ve had now are there because a lot of the disconnections I once had. I know what I want and what I don’t want, I know what I need and what I don’t need, I know what I can fight and I should let go.

I’m a truly fighter. I have faith in connection and I can risk almost all of I have for that. I am as naïve as stupid yet as optimistic as I ought to be. It led to the great great disappointments too but I thought they were worth it.  Well, they are truly worth it.

Human connection is an art of the uncertainty. And actually, only with and trough God we can have a good and secured lasting connection.

the bittersweet of a failure

back in Januari, I had such a huge exam, let's call it an acting exams of being such a good doctor. it wasn't that i didnt prepare enough; i studied from 10 am to around 5 pm, then i studied at home till i was about to sleep. i did that for around two weeks. personally, maybe that amount of time wasn't enough for me. But overall, i can't say that i wasn't prepared enough.
Then the day. i am a person who may lack of confident. my mom often told me: jadi orang yang pede dong dek.. kok nggak pede gitu sih (in short: be such a confident person..). for example, in eleentary school, i checked the calendar over  and over again because my uniforms change each day, i was afraid that i used the wrong uniform. ok that one example of long long time ago. my confident hasn't boost much lately. so about this huge exam, i was soooo anxious. i was afraid of my self, i doubted my self and all.

the day. i was sure i was prepared enough... until i met a supervisor who didn't talk at all and didn't look at me when i was talking about the answer etc etc. my confidence level drops into minus. i was ready to burry myself and i couldn't wait to get out of the room, i didn't care about it. and after that room, i got into another room, which the supervisor was really nice and i was about to make a perfect act. but that perfection-thought killed me, i talked too much and thought a lot so i didn't really make it.

i was so devastated. i cried day and night for almost 3 days. I never failed at things. Not because i'm so goddamn great, but it's because i will not do anything if i wasn't sure i could and i would give my best into it. and i did my best, i thought. but things didn't turn out like what i wanted.
then the day of 3, i got the worst stomachache ever. i cried because it hurt so much. the a doctor examined me in my bed, and se asked me: what are you stressing about? and gave me anti-spasm and antacid.

i didn't know that i could have that bad stomachache just because i was so sad about this test. i mean, i know about psychosomatic stuffs but idk if that could be THIS bad and I could get that. after that, my parents talked to me, the told me that everything will be just fine, they're fine with whatever the result is, and all. that helped me so much. really. one of my biggest dream is to make my parents happy and proud of me. their opinion is so important for me. and it was like a huge rocks lifted from my back. And then that moment i only focused to prepare my Umrah trip.

after Umrah, i got minor stomachache again remembered that the day of annaucement was so close. a day before the annoucement, i got a dream told me that i didn't make it. i only pass seven of nine stages while the passing grade was to pass eight of nine. in that morning i was waking up in confussion. could it be a sign?

then the day. i didn't make it. i was only pass seven of nine stage, as my dream told me. i was so sad. i felt like a failure. i don't wanna make my parents worry about me. i don't wanna re-do the exams just because i wasn't sure also whether i could pass that or not. etc. etc. etc.
but to be truth, i wasn't sad for such a long time. maybe for a day, or half a day. or when a friend im-ed me and told she was sad too. or when i was envious looking at a picture with hospital settings. but not like the days after i did the exam.

maybe it's because i had done Umrah which i was so dreaming about since 6-7 years ago. maybe because i bought A LOT of good books. maybe because i have such supporting parents. maybe because i had plan about it. maybe because i've got friends left also. but idk, i thought it wasn't right to be so devastated about one thing like i didn't get any blessing at all.

about the academic stuffs: got awesome GPA, i've got a straight As for this last semester (while on the other semesters, my biggest achievement was only a few semester who got no B), done the thesis defence in September which was a bit early compared to the rest of students, done the school for three and half year.
i don't know why i should sad about one thing when i've got MUCH blessings.

and then i see this not as a failure. i see this as Allah giving me a lot more time to do whatever i wanna do. i could USE this time or WASTE this as i want, but the point is, Allah gives me this 4 months of free time for me. and alhamdulillah, i've got few plan to work on those upcoming months, insyaAllah :)

i was anxious whether i could pass the next exam or not but, i am BIGGER than my fears. Allah is even The Greatest of all. i know where my dream is so i know i have to break my fears, i have to work hard, i  have to believe in my self in order to succeed that. and i keep praying so Allah will bless my wish and grant that. bismillah:)

And, eventhough i have many failures in relationships, but:
I'm so thankful that i ended up my previous relationships. i am so thanful i hadn't committed to long-term relationship to anyone so far. at the time like this, i need a space to grow, and i hadn't find the right man to grow with. the problem is, in relationship, you couldn't be so selfish or to think only about yourself. you need to let go some of you to fit in, thus i can't grow with that circumtance.
some of my friends often told me: you're too picky. but why can't i be picky if i was about to choose the leader of my upcoming days? why can't i be picky if i'm a kind of person who's ready to work hard and sacrify everything to be his woman? i need someone who will work harder than i do, that has bigger vision than i do,  who can take care of me at my best and at my worst. and if i cant find that person just now, it's not a big deal. i'd rather to be alone that to be with wrong person. and i'm not the one who want to repeat the same old mistake over again :)

Ended That Way

i need few weeks to finally write things out. i didn't  feel like i have to, but deep down, i felt like i need to write things. this blog has been my public diary for years; it's a diary that let me writing personal things yet i still should be fully aware of any readers.

i never felt like i need to tell people about this, but then i met lots lots of friends and they kept talking about things like relationship and talked as if i was a happy girlfriend of someone etc etc. at first i was ok, i mean, explaining to them would be much harder than just smiling around, i thought. but then it wasn't. i'm a brutally-honest person.

i told them i broke up. i saw faces of expressions; some were surprised when the rest were kinda 'i sort of know it but i'll let you explain yourself.' i thought i was fine. i thought it was the right time to tell 'em, but then i felt the ache again. i never know it would be that way, i mean, i thought i'd feel better when i told the truth.

but then i remember about all the messed up things. and the ache came.

i knew from the very first time i wasn't sure about the idea of 'us'. but i thought: i was young, i didn't know what i truly expect from a person, a partner to be exact, or what i want from a relationship. i was happy, the feeling was real, all the laugh and tears genuinely came from the heart. but what i learnt from the last one was, feelings alone wasn't enough.

to be truth, to decide to break up wasn't easy at all. it was my comfort zone. it was nice to be someone's girlfriend, and he's kind. but deep down, i knew, that it wasn't, he wasn't for me. if i wanted to, i could stay in my comfort zone, in that comfort zone, for a lil bit more. or a lot more. but i couldn't. I couldn't lie to myself that all the feeling wasn't got beaten my all the realities.

i was so sad that i got numb. why did i start things when i knew i was never sure about this? when i knew that at some point we could break one another? why was i too naive? i thought it would be like any other regular kind of coupl-ish thingies but then it cost a heartbreak which was so devastating at first. even so, i was more devastated when i was about to decide to break up than when the break up occured itself. i thought about it a lot, i gave us time, then i totally gave up.
i can't lie to myself thatt i was tired of fighting for the idea of 'us'.


in the end, i stop regretting all the things i'd decided in the past and start to accept things as it is: that maybe it happened for right reasons, that i should learn from it, that then i know what i want and what i don't want from a relationship, what i look for in a partner, what's the essential things in relationship and all.

i was sooo tired of the break up that i'm planning that i would never have another break up ever again. means that i should have a relationship only if i am fully into it, only if i am sooo in love with the guy, with the relationship, with all the x y z factors that i would fight for it, hard.

actually, this was the first real relationship i've had. i mean, the previous ones were all-egoistic things all around. but this one, i was being more patient, forgiving, understanding, and all. i was ready to melt a half to collide into one, but then i realized that this wasn't worth it, for some personal reason, that i didn't wanna do more than this. eventhough i go on further, even if i could handle that once, i knew things would end up for the reasons i knew and kept for myself.

'but you look so fine. i never saw it coming.'
'why should i put the negative things on show? why should i let people know my insecuritites and my worries?'

and actually, eventhough i seem like to know what i was doing, know what i am doing, actually, i dont know if i really do/did the right thing or not, if i make/made a good decision or not, if i have and hadput enough thoughts on it or not, and all.
so i just pray, i pray a lot to God to bless any kind of feelings and thoughts that i have, so i could go on another day better than today, even if i did wrong at the very first place. even if it was a mistake to end things up  i pray that the upcoming things would be so wonderful in the way that only God knows, in the way that i couldn't even imagined a bit of it. aamiin.

i know that i need to post this before i post things about 2014/2015 thingies. till this very second, i'm still reassuring myself that it's the best thing to do. that i do the right thing. i don't wanna get back to any of my ex. i don't wanna redo the same mistakes i have done and i know i would do.
i need to learn to stand on my own, because sometimes if it can't be most of the time: it's better to be alone than to be with wrong person. even it's in such a harddd moment like this month. it was such a big thing for me that i can't go on another chapter without embracing that.


i don't know how, but somehow, the previous relationship gave me kind of happiness but sucked out my energy for such positivity. i don't know whether it was because the last few weeks were disastrous for me or anything else, but after i was done with the freakin-sad moment, i was kinda relieved 'cause i finally have time for my self in such great vibe i had never felt that way in the last few months. can't we miss ourselves?:)

so i thought started from now i could write things about my 2015. i have LOTS of plans in this year, i can finally remember what i once wanted, and i have lots of energy about that. eventhough it would be SO much easier to have another arm for me, but i still have to go on with what i've decided and learn to stand on my own. bismillah, bless me dear Allah.:)



see you soon, then? xx.