Hi 2017

Hi, back my old blog. I wish you do just fine.

In 2015, I decided that I want to take my blog into different level. I promised myself to not write any kind of personal blog post, as I always did in this blog. I remembered those sad moments that I wrote in this blog and I couldn’t imagine any other people read that. I felt vulnerable at that time. But then, as I’d written on my new blog in 2016, about those reviews and all, I don’t feel like I belong there. I don’t feel like I fit writing those stuffs. I don’’t feel comfortable writing in bahasa Indonesia, though I know it’ll boost the views. I kept going with all the sections that I thought I would like to see in a blog. But the result is the same; I don’t feel like blogging anymore.

I love to go back to my old blog (this one and fiction frame) just to remind myself how good it feels to be honest and to write anything that I felt. I was ashamed of what I’ve written like, 5 years ago, and how emotional I was. But then, I am more comfortable writing those silly honest stuff instead of trying to be a tip and review girl on the other blog. I’d move few personal post to this blog. I want this blog as my public diary. I wanna become that old woman who sticks to blog eventho world has revolved from twitter to Instagram to vlog life.

2016 is most probably a quiet sea for me; it's good, relaxing, and a little bit boring, while 2015 brought me a whole rollercoaster feeling. last year i met the guy of my dream, i have the loveliest relationship ever in my life, i started #AboutHim00 to appreciate every little things that we had. i cut few connections and re-connect with old friends, just to make sure that the ones i have now are the only ones i need and bring positive vibes to me. i get closer to family and hopefully to God. i think 2016 is good, but i bet 2017 can be a whole more wonderful than ever. amiin.

#AboutHim00 153

Rembember when i wrote the #DasaWina series? I was nothing but very sceptical about long distance relationship. What kind of relationship is that? A very fragile and sad one, i thought.

And then..

There comes the moment

 When i've gotta get through that;

 6700 miles, 5 hours of time difference.

 Sleeping when he's awake, doing things while he's asleep. Sleepless nights. Bad bad signal connection. Phone call. Video call. Chats. Pictures. Voice notes. Singing song. Sleepy face. Love letter. Postcards. Emails. Everything. I've done it all.

 And let me tell you it wasn't easy at all. How could you build trust without real convo, without looking at his eyes, to really tell that he's saying the truth? How could you feel comfortable with that person without having his physical presence around you?

 Now we're living in the same GMT +7 area but it doesn't mean things get easier.

 I would never think i could ever do this without him. He's more than i'd ever thought he was. He's such an incredible man not only because he's super brainy (and nerdy and geeky and everything that follows in one package but i totally love!!!) and ultimate kind, but because he rains me with endless patience like i actually never deserve; little he knows that it has helped me to grow, a lot. I gave up easily but he never made that as a choice. It's wonderful how we both try to meet halfway, though we have huge huge ego. He knows exactly what he wants and so do i, but we try to compromise a lot; or according to him, it's to 'sort and shift'. It's amazing how we can talk about anything, from science to politics, and it leaves me in awe that most of the time we share the same value over things, and even if we argue, we never dabate to win our arguments but to get the finest understanding instead.

 Thank you, Fin. You know how i feel about you. My feelings to you grow incredibly even after i know that you're not perfect and our relationship is not perfect, because i ain't perfect too so we have a lot of space to grow together. May the fourth be with us ❤️

Peds dept.

paediatric dept was one of the most exhausting yet the most exciting at the same time. children go unstable unbelievably easily. tight monitoring on the night shift was terribble (which happened pretty often, like every single night of our night shifts), made us lack of sleep & become crancky in the morning. early morning report & daily duties forced us to be awake in the noon. we went home to take a loooong sleep just to wake up in the morning with the exact same routine. and in the midst of that, we need to study, a lot.
 day to day, we saw them got better gradually, the happiness that was drawn visibly on their parents' faces, that oh-so-happy-and-relieved face to know that they could go home today, and actually, it felt like family. the community got bigger and stronger (and nicer, and warmer, and kinder, and anything like a home in a hospital).
 there were also the days when the kids got worse. we need to rescucitate them, we didn't sleep to make sure they didn't forget to breath, we checked them every 15 minutes to finally found them died few hours later. the cries were devastating. the parents went mad. and we, the ones who checked on them for times were in silence. it was like 'he was with me an hour ago. and now he's gone?'.

the hospital i was in, was quite big. there were kids with HIV +, congenital heart disease, other congenital anomaly, kidney disease, terrible infections, and cancer, lots of it. they went back and forth to the hospital, left their school, missed their friends, couldn't play outsite and forgot what it feels to be under the sun and the rain. they cried at times, they were tired, frustrated, bored, and in pain. the moment when we tried to comfort them were the moment that made them cried worse because they're afraid of those who wears white coat.

 but to be honest, in spite of the LOTS of works in peds (and i meant A LOT), it was one of the most rewarding dept i've ever been on. the instant gratification we got from the kids and the parents were wonderful. when the kids got sick, it's quite pricey, the parents can't go to work, the kids can't go to school, and the family stick around the hospital bed. it's unhealthy even for the parents' wellbeing. so whenever we told them that their kids had got better, they couldnt hide their smiles. and when we finally told them that they could go home today, they were beyond happy. the way they thanked us was incredibly rewarding. in the other hand, the doctors (paediatricians) put a lot of commitment to stay update with the latest treatment and technology so their patients can get the best possible service they could ever get. with that kind of work and that kind of reward, i felt something that i couldn't get from any other department.

 it's always been a pleasure to do what i love and love what i do :)

 P.s.: wrote this because i was on tears reading Humans of New York Page, talking about Paeditric Cancer. made me remember about all of those. :')

Taking a pause

It's been quite long time since i posted the last blog post, not because i didn't want to, but really, the schedule was sooo tight, i was suffocating. it was hard to breathe when you have your weekdays and weekend occupied by hospital-related work. i got so little time to be with my family since i took all the free hours to sleep, eat and study.

i haven't even recovered from the previous rotation, then here comes another 10 weeks of rotation packed with lots of night shifts. i almost went insane but then i took deep breath and long pause. i haven't been studying anything at all for these past week, i haven't done anything academic-related. i've been spending my time to be with my family, to go out, to read my fav book, to watch youtube videos, et cetera. i'm not a hundred percent ready to be back with hospital routine yet:(

in the midst of the crazy schedule, i found a competition held by Periplus to post on Instagram a picture with book as our companion. I was soooo excited to join that competition and i ended up posting like 5 or 6 photos during that period. let's pray that i would win that! *finger crossed* i took my free time during the weekend or after my morning shift to organize my books, take lots of pictures of them, create perfect caption and post it. i really poured my heart on that competition, by the way! hahaha.

To be truth, it's been such a rough month for me. December should be my favorite month when i can reflect back of what i've done for the past 12 months, and plan my new year resolution, but the fact is, i dont feel like i could function a hundred percent for these past few weeks. the hospital-related duty absorbs most of my energy and left me so little to just even survive that day. i wish i remember how excited i was to be in clinical rotation, but to be truth, it's really really tiring. i wish i could spend my time doing things that i love, not only to be in hospital for around 80 hours per week.

What helped me the most during these hard weeks were my new addiction to Kinfolk, my highschool sweethearts, my college mates and few youtube videos. i know i cannot be alone, i need anyone else, anything else, to share my thoughts, to talk to, to joke around, et cetera, but i couldn't find that in the hospital because everyone else was so busy taking care of their own bussiness, and there were less time for us to even socialize. So i tried to connect with my friends a lot, i asked them out, i bought things that probably could make me happy.

Today is the perfect example of what i've been trying to do with mylife: trying to make myself happy and content despite of any circumtances. Today i started my day in the hospital, and got back at 3 pm, i went to mall right after, bought myself a pair of shoes since i only had two pairs and both of them become slippery, pairs of socks, few pieces of doughnuts and ended that afternoon with a full bowl of bakso kuah when it was raining hard outside. then i went home and have convo with the whole family. our conversation was the one what that made this rainy night less cold than it  should be.

i know for some people what i've been doing is just an ordinary thing; everyone can go to Mall and do shopping and eat a lot, meet their family, et cetera. but for me, these things are such a luxury. i haven't had time for myself, to take care of myself. i even hadn't gotten time to cut my messy hair until last weekend. my new haircut still didn't satisfy me, so i cut it way shorter all by myself, and surprisingly it turned out really really really good!!

This week is a starter week for the next ten weeks. i've been taking a long pause so next week, i need to be more energized than i am today. it's hard to go on a day when you're drained and has no spirit for that day, you can even become denial and it's even more tiring. so i hope i can recover fast and be ready to face another big challange for the next two months. wish me luck!:)

Self Worth

I learnt in the hard way that our self-worth is not defined by others, but by ourselves. The reason why we will never feel enough about ourselves is because we know ourselves way better than any single person in the whole world. We know every little details that we have, even our dirtiest, worst thoughts that once crossed on our mind, every little tiny memory about the bad things in our childhood and all. But the fact is: no one else knows that. No one but yourself. It’s your choice whether you let them know or not, what you perceive about yourself is what you show to others too.
And maybe, we need to forgive ourselves for being an imperfect human, for making mistakes, for choosing the wrong path, for doing the things we’re not fully aware of, and for simply being ourselves. We might be silly, foolish, lazy and all, but it’s us. If we don’t love ourselves, who would? We’ve gotta work hard to become the person we wanna be, and yet after all, we need to accept who we really are.

I had through a bumpy road before I started to love myself. I need makeup, cute dresses, pink stationaries, black basics, good books, tasty good, few short stories, lovers, best friends, social projects, school, good grades, events, music, movies, and other little things to make me feel good about myself. I also need various social media to know how to accept and even love myself. I grew up knowing I was disliked by my closest friends in class in elementary school, junior high, and senior high. Few weeks or months of rejection made me hated myself. It’s quite hard to finally love myself back, to know that it’s okay to be not okay, it’s ok to make mistakes and be weird and be myself. It took freaking bloody years. I rejected people, I pushed people away, I chained myself to bad companies, I lost myself in the process and it feels really good to finally find myself back.

Bad company corrupts great soul. Cut the ties with the ones who weighed you down, who throw you to your lowest point, who drive you mad, who don’t let you grow, who pushed you to be something that you’re not. Being alone is scary and crazy and lonely and maddening sometimes, but nothing’s worse that being stuck with the person you don’t belong.

I need to be in my best condition to love myself. When life gets hard, I need to be grateful for every single thing in order to love myself.

I’m gonna tell you that it’s not easy at all. How is it supposed to be easy to love the freckles on your cheek? Or the tiny lipstick stain on your white t-shirt? We pay attention to little details, we know the most about our worst sides. But please, look at the bigger picture. Listen to your friend’s compliments about yourself. Sometimes you wonder: am I that good? But believe me, people believe that you’re that good. It’s what they see about you. They’re genuinely credit for what you’ve done. See the bigger pictures. Your flaw doesn’t define you. Your little tiny flaws don’t define you. Your billion flaws don’t define you. You define you. You, with your both positive and negative sides define you. What you’re thinking about yourself define you. Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself. Love yourself for who you are. Let people know who you truly are, let them love you for who you truly are. They will, eventually.


I know it’s hard and has a lot of things to do, but believe me, it’s totally worth it.

Separate Ways

Wanita ini melihatku tajam dan dalam, hingga dimensi ruang dan waktu tak kurasakan lagi. Ia adalah wanita yang pernah menjelaskan tentang miripnya mata manusia dengan antariksa, menganalogikan pupil dengan lubang hitam yang menarik semua hal dan menyimpan lebih banyak hal, dalam gelap. Aku merasa masuk kedalam lubang hitam matanya cukup dalam, sampai ia menyadarkanku.
"Aku udah nyari, tapi nggak ketemu.."
"Apa?"
"Perasaanku, perasaanku ke kamu yang dulu."
....
Apa ini?
"Maksudnya gimana, sayang?"
"Aku udah nyari sejak lama, dari ngulangin memori-memori kita, ke tempat-tempat favorit kita, ngeliat barang-barang yang kita udah kumpulin berdua, bahkan aku udah cari dari mata kamu, dari cara kamu mandang aku, tapi semua udah nggak ada. Perasaan itu udah nggak ada.."
Aku kehabisan kata-kata...
"Apa ada orang lain?"
"Nggak ada. Nggak ada orang lain. Perasaan aku ilang aja dan aku nggak tau harus cari kemana lagi."
"Gimana bisa?" Aku mulai terdengar frustasi.
"Mungkin hilang dalam proses kita selama ini. Apa selama ini perasaanku kamu jaga?"
Aku hanya bisa diam. Aku sudah cukup menjaganya, kan..
"Tapi kita udah punya komitmen, kan?"
"Iya. Tapi punya komitmen juga bukan berarti aku jaga perasaanku sendirian, kan."
... Long pause. Aku mengambil nafas panjang.
"Aku nggak ngerti."
"Kamu nggak harus ngerti sekarang.."
"Trus kamu maunya apa?"
"Jangan ada berantem. Jangan ada saling nyalahin. Aku cuma mau kita pisah aja."
"Aku.. Aku nggak mau."
"Percuma. Mau nggak mau, aku yang kamu sayang udah nggak ada lagi. Kamu mau sama aku berapa taun lagi juga sama aja; hati sama pikiranku udah nggak sama kamu."
And i can't speak a word.

Connection

The Connections
Currently listening: Novo Amor – Weather
Mood: common cold
Content: personal thought, self-reflection, metaphor.

I love human. For what it is, I love human’s connection utmost. It’s beautiful to see how two heads, two minds, and two hearts meet, trying to both win and lose for their own egos and for the sake of the other one(s). I love seeing vulnerability of humans that sometimes can be seen by the way they’re boasting of themselves. I love seeing the sparkling eyes during a lively conversation, talking about the things they love. I love to feel the heart break, to realize how weak and vulnerable we’re as human. Human is as complicated, as messy, as crazy, as kind and as nice as they ought to be.

During the long holiday, I found back my love in human’s connection. The past kept coming back the present wanted to have a little while more, and the future asked my commitment. The human’s connection is not always about the relationship between a girl and a boy being in love, it can be about two girls, two boys, a group of boys and girls, the blood-tied connection, the not-so strangers connection, and all of the eyes-meet-eyes random connection we all ever had. It is as universal as it ought to be.

I didn’t have a great connection with other humans back then. I was bullied, hated, and rejected. I was heart broke my biggest love itself; the human connection. I was such a failure, I thought. I mean, how could I fail at the thing that I love the most? It was as disconcerting as it ought to be.

I thought I was in the best connection when I had this connection. I was all happy and crazy and I thought I was in my best when I was in this connection. But actually, this connection destructed me from the very inside, made me feel like I wasn’t worth it, like I was the ugliest inside-out as a person. The abusive connection that was more damaging than I thought it would be. It was as catastrophic as tempting as it ought to be. And I was trapped for almost six years in the same old circle.

I’ve ever been in a connection which I was treasure a lot. This connection helped me through my darkest bit in my life. I couldn’t lose this one, I thought. I did all I could to have a working connection with this person, but as I walked by, I felt like this connection weren’t really working any longer. It wasn’t disconnected or something, but it seemed like the current wasn’t mutual in some ways. I wanted to keep this connection as long as possible, I ought this connection a lot more than I could ever pay back. But then once again, the tide wasn’t good.

It was a magical connection with the random person I never thought I would ever be with. It helped me with my own metaphorical dream. It was as magical as having an existence and an extinction in a blink of an eye. I thought I would never feel that way for twice, and I never did nor I thought I’d need. Because sometimes, being magical means becoming illusions too.

I love the color of grey, and I thought it would be great to have a grey connection. The problem was, grey wasn’t a true color. It was in between black and white. It could be easily biased by the amount of the opposite colors that was into it. And in between that unsettling color, I was giving up that connection.

There were connections which I was both so intimidated with and challenged too. They were as toxic as great as they were. They were a two-side knife which I didn’t know how to use it yet.

And I thought I was in the right balanced good connection when I realized I was a broken wire that could no longer serve a merely connection. The stream was too great I couldn’t handle. I was suffocated but then I survived by turning off the connection. I was too tired to even just bear with it.

There was one of the unforgiven connection which made me collapse, literally and figuratively. This connection I thought would be the easy one, the smooth one, but then it turned to be loathing; it made me doubt my own judgment and it ruined my life in months. I didn’t even believe my own mind-convo and it ruined my connection with myself somehow. This connection didn’t want to know my own capacity, I was so overwhelmed back then. I was intendedly cut the connection but it kept coming, it kept rushing the wave, it kept pushing me into my limit, and I was bursting into pieces.

 Until this very second, I cannot forgive myself for being in such a wasting connection. The connection I’ve never wanted in the first place, the connection I unexpectedly connect with, the connection that manipulate my life in months. I refrained myself for months, for the connection that did me no good at all, and now tell me how could I forgive myself, then?

A ghostly connection gave me the best high. It was like a treasure box in the deep sea which I could swim into but I need to be really calculated and careful too. Well, it was all worth it. like a ghost, it haunted me in the night, midnight to be exact, near morning. I was seduced by my own kind of hypnotic spell, I was in high unexpectedly, and I could say I got it enough.

They were good connections I had too that I just thought I didn’t want any longer. Not because connection was bad, but because the stream was not in the same harmony anymore. Or it may sing the same song but the output wasn’t sync. The disconnections could be just as simple as that.                                                                                            
There were also the connections that weren’t worth more than just few seconds. They were shown in the history but had no value more than just a quantity.

With the bad connections, there were also good connections. I was in such great connections when I can get up on my own feet when I was almost forget how to stand up. I was so excited even just to cherish the moment of that supportive and inspiring connections. I was lucky to have such a funny and easy going connections. There were unexpectedly great deep connections that I would never think of and could never lose. And I cannot be more thankful for having such loving, caring and patient connections during my ups and downs.

Well the thing is, I invest a lot in people, more than I should. With the great return, there comes a great risk; I fully understand that. I’ve let people broke me down into tiny little pieces, but there are people who helped me brush off my wounds, healed my pain, and took me into happy places. There were connections that let me grow bigger and better, more than I thought I could and I would.
I handpicked my own connections so it’s hard to forgive the disconnection I connected with at the first place. But as I believe in the great risk along with the great return, I also believe that the optimistic and positive connections I’ve had now are there because a lot of the disconnections I once had. I know what I want and what I don’t want, I know what I need and what I don’t need, I know what I can fight and I should let go.

I’m a truly fighter. I have faith in connection and I can risk almost all of I have for that. I am as naïve as stupid yet as optimistic as I ought to be. It led to the great great disappointments too but I thought they were worth it.  Well, they are truly worth it.

Human connection is an art of the uncertainty. And actually, only with and trough God we can have a good and secured lasting connection.