Connection

The Connections
Currently listening: Novo Amor – Weather
Mood: common cold
Content: personal thought, self-reflection, metaphor.

I love human. For what it is, I love human’s connection utmost. It’s beautiful to see how two heads, two minds, and two hearts meet, trying to both win and lose for their own egos and for the sake of the other one(s). I love seeing vulnerability of humans that sometimes can be seen by the way they’re boasting of themselves. I love seeing the sparkling eyes during a lively conversation, talking about the things they love. I love to feel the heart break, to realize how weak and vulnerable we’re as human. Human is as complicated, as messy, as crazy, as kind and as nice as they ought to be.

During the long holiday, I found back my love in human’s connection. The past kept coming back the present wanted to have a little while more, and the future asked my commitment. The human’s connection is not always about the relationship between a girl and a boy being in love, it can be about two girls, two boys, a group of boys and girls, the blood-tied connection, the not-so strangers connection, and all of the eyes-meet-eyes random connection we all ever had. It is as universal as it ought to be.

I didn’t have a great connection with other humans back then. I was bullied, hated, and rejected. I was heart broke my biggest love itself; the human connection. I was such a failure, I thought. I mean, how could I fail at the thing that I love the most? It was as disconcerting as it ought to be.

I thought I was in the best connection when I had this connection. I was all happy and crazy and I thought I was in my best when I was in this connection. But actually, this connection destructed me from the very inside, made me feel like I wasn’t worth it, like I was the ugliest inside-out as a person. The abusive connection that was more damaging than I thought it would be. It was as catastrophic as tempting as it ought to be. And I was trapped for almost six years in the same old circle.

I’ve ever been in a connection which I was treasure a lot. This connection helped me through my darkest bit in my life. I couldn’t lose this one, I thought. I did all I could to have a working connection with this person, but as I walked by, I felt like this connection weren’t really working any longer. It wasn’t disconnected or something, but it seemed like the current wasn’t mutual in some ways. I wanted to keep this connection as long as possible, I ought this connection a lot more than I could ever pay back. But then once again, the tide wasn’t good.

It was a magical connection with the random person I never thought I would ever be with. It helped me with my own metaphorical dream. It was as magical as having an existence and an extinction in a blink of an eye. I thought I would never feel that way for twice, and I never did nor I thought I’d need. Because sometimes, being magical means becoming illusions too.

I love the color of grey, and I thought it would be great to have a grey connection. The problem was, grey wasn’t a true color. It was in between black and white. It could be easily biased by the amount of the opposite colors that was into it. And in between that unsettling color, I was giving up that connection.

There were connections which I was both so intimidated with and challenged too. They were as toxic as great as they were. They were a two-side knife which I didn’t know how to use it yet.

And I thought I was in the right balanced good connection when I realized I was a broken wire that could no longer serve a merely connection. The stream was too great I couldn’t handle. I was suffocated but then I survived by turning off the connection. I was too tired to even just bear with it.

There was one of the unforgiven connection which made me collapse, literally and figuratively. This connection I thought would be the easy one, the smooth one, but then it turned to be loathing; it made me doubt my own judgment and it ruined my life in months. I didn’t even believe my own mind-convo and it ruined my connection with myself somehow. This connection didn’t want to know my own capacity, I was so overwhelmed back then. I was intendedly cut the connection but it kept coming, it kept rushing the wave, it kept pushing me into my limit, and I was bursting into pieces.

 Until this very second, I cannot forgive myself for being in such a wasting connection. The connection I’ve never wanted in the first place, the connection I unexpectedly connect with, the connection that manipulate my life in months. I refrained myself for months, for the connection that did me no good at all, and now tell me how could I forgive myself, then?

A ghostly connection gave me the best high. It was like a treasure box in the deep sea which I could swim into but I need to be really calculated and careful too. Well, it was all worth it. like a ghost, it haunted me in the night, midnight to be exact, near morning. I was seduced by my own kind of hypnotic spell, I was in high unexpectedly, and I could say I got it enough.

They were good connections I had too that I just thought I didn’t want any longer. Not because connection was bad, but because the stream was not in the same harmony anymore. Or it may sing the same song but the output wasn’t sync. The disconnections could be just as simple as that.                                                                                            
There were also the connections that weren’t worth more than just few seconds. They were shown in the history but had no value more than just a quantity.

With the bad connections, there were also good connections. I was in such great connections when I can get up on my own feet when I was almost forget how to stand up. I was so excited even just to cherish the moment of that supportive and inspiring connections. I was lucky to have such a funny and easy going connections. There were unexpectedly great deep connections that I would never think of and could never lose. And I cannot be more thankful for having such loving, caring and patient connections during my ups and downs.

Well the thing is, I invest a lot in people, more than I should. With the great return, there comes a great risk; I fully understand that. I’ve let people broke me down into tiny little pieces, but there are people who helped me brush off my wounds, healed my pain, and took me into happy places. There were connections that let me grow bigger and better, more than I thought I could and I would.
I handpicked my own connections so it’s hard to forgive the disconnection I connected with at the first place. But as I believe in the great risk along with the great return, I also believe that the optimistic and positive connections I’ve had now are there because a lot of the disconnections I once had. I know what I want and what I don’t want, I know what I need and what I don’t need, I know what I can fight and I should let go.

I’m a truly fighter. I have faith in connection and I can risk almost all of I have for that. I am as naïve as stupid yet as optimistic as I ought to be. It led to the great great disappointments too but I thought they were worth it.  Well, they are truly worth it.

Human connection is an art of the uncertainty. And actually, only with and trough God we can have a good and secured lasting connection.

the bittersweet of a failure

back in Januari, I had such a huge exam, let's call it an acting exams of being such a good doctor. it wasn't that i didnt prepare enough; i studied from 10 am to around 5 pm, then i studied at home till i was about to sleep. i did that for around two weeks. personally, maybe that amount of time wasn't enough for me. But overall, i can't say that i wasn't prepared enough.
Then the day. i am a person who may lack of confident. my mom often told me: jadi orang yang pede dong dek.. kok nggak pede gitu sih (in short: be such a confident person..). for example, in eleentary school, i checked the calendar over  and over again because my uniforms change each day, i was afraid that i used the wrong uniform. ok that one example of long long time ago. my confident hasn't boost much lately. so about this huge exam, i was soooo anxious. i was afraid of my self, i doubted my self and all.

the day. i was sure i was prepared enough... until i met a supervisor who didn't talk at all and didn't look at me when i was talking about the answer etc etc. my confidence level drops into minus. i was ready to burry myself and i couldn't wait to get out of the room, i didn't care about it. and after that room, i got into another room, which the supervisor was really nice and i was about to make a perfect act. but that perfection-thought killed me, i talked too much and thought a lot so i didn't really make it.

i was so devastated. i cried day and night for almost 3 days. I never failed at things. Not because i'm so goddamn great, but it's because i will not do anything if i wasn't sure i could and i would give my best into it. and i did my best, i thought. but things didn't turn out like what i wanted.
then the day of 3, i got the worst stomachache ever. i cried because it hurt so much. the a doctor examined me in my bed, and se asked me: what are you stressing about? and gave me anti-spasm and antacid.

i didn't know that i could have that bad stomachache just because i was so sad about this test. i mean, i know about psychosomatic stuffs but idk if that could be THIS bad and I could get that. after that, my parents talked to me, the told me that everything will be just fine, they're fine with whatever the result is, and all. that helped me so much. really. one of my biggest dream is to make my parents happy and proud of me. their opinion is so important for me. and it was like a huge rocks lifted from my back. And then that moment i only focused to prepare my Umrah trip.

after Umrah, i got minor stomachache again remembered that the day of annaucement was so close. a day before the annoucement, i got a dream told me that i didn't make it. i only pass seven of nine stages while the passing grade was to pass eight of nine. in that morning i was waking up in confussion. could it be a sign?

then the day. i didn't make it. i was only pass seven of nine stage, as my dream told me. i was so sad. i felt like a failure. i don't wanna make my parents worry about me. i don't wanna re-do the exams just because i wasn't sure also whether i could pass that or not. etc. etc. etc.
but to be truth, i wasn't sad for such a long time. maybe for a day, or half a day. or when a friend im-ed me and told she was sad too. or when i was envious looking at a picture with hospital settings. but not like the days after i did the exam.

maybe it's because i had done Umrah which i was so dreaming about since 6-7 years ago. maybe because i bought A LOT of good books. maybe because i have such supporting parents. maybe because i had plan about it. maybe because i've got friends left also. but idk, i thought it wasn't right to be so devastated about one thing like i didn't get any blessing at all.

about the academic stuffs: got awesome GPA, i've got a straight As for this last semester (while on the other semesters, my biggest achievement was only a few semester who got no B), done the thesis defence in September which was a bit early compared to the rest of students, done the school for three and half year.
i don't know why i should sad about one thing when i've got MUCH blessings.

and then i see this not as a failure. i see this as Allah giving me a lot more time to do whatever i wanna do. i could USE this time or WASTE this as i want, but the point is, Allah gives me this 4 months of free time for me. and alhamdulillah, i've got few plan to work on those upcoming months, insyaAllah :)

i was anxious whether i could pass the next exam or not but, i am BIGGER than my fears. Allah is even The Greatest of all. i know where my dream is so i know i have to break my fears, i have to work hard, i  have to believe in my self in order to succeed that. and i keep praying so Allah will bless my wish and grant that. bismillah:)

And, eventhough i have many failures in relationships, but:
I'm so thankful that i ended up my previous relationships. i am so thanful i hadn't committed to long-term relationship to anyone so far. at the time like this, i need a space to grow, and i hadn't find the right man to grow with. the problem is, in relationship, you couldn't be so selfish or to think only about yourself. you need to let go some of you to fit in, thus i can't grow with that circumtance.
some of my friends often told me: you're too picky. but why can't i be picky if i was about to choose the leader of my upcoming days? why can't i be picky if i'm a kind of person who's ready to work hard and sacrify everything to be his woman? i need someone who will work harder than i do, that has bigger vision than i do,  who can take care of me at my best and at my worst. and if i cant find that person just now, it's not a big deal. i'd rather to be alone that to be with wrong person. and i'm not the one who want to repeat the same old mistake over again :)

Ended That Way

i need few weeks to finally write things out. i didn't  feel like i have to, but deep down, i felt like i need to write things. this blog has been my public diary for years; it's a diary that let me writing personal things yet i still should be fully aware of any readers.

i never felt like i need to tell people about this, but then i met lots lots of friends and they kept talking about things like relationship and talked as if i was a happy girlfriend of someone etc etc. at first i was ok, i mean, explaining to them would be much harder than just smiling around, i thought. but then it wasn't. i'm a brutally-honest person.

i told them i broke up. i saw faces of expressions; some were surprised when the rest were kinda 'i sort of know it but i'll let you explain yourself.' i thought i was fine. i thought it was the right time to tell 'em, but then i felt the ache again. i never know it would be that way, i mean, i thought i'd feel better when i told the truth.

but then i remember about all the messed up things. and the ache came.

i knew from the very first time i wasn't sure about the idea of 'us'. but i thought: i was young, i didn't know what i truly expect from a person, a partner to be exact, or what i want from a relationship. i was happy, the feeling was real, all the laugh and tears genuinely came from the heart. but what i learnt from the last one was, feelings alone wasn't enough.

to be truth, to decide to break up wasn't easy at all. it was my comfort zone. it was nice to be someone's girlfriend, and he's kind. but deep down, i knew, that it wasn't, he wasn't for me. if i wanted to, i could stay in my comfort zone, in that comfort zone, for a lil bit more. or a lot more. but i couldn't. I couldn't lie to myself that all the feeling wasn't got beaten my all the realities.

i was so sad that i got numb. why did i start things when i knew i was never sure about this? when i knew that at some point we could break one another? why was i too naive? i thought it would be like any other regular kind of coupl-ish thingies but then it cost a heartbreak which was so devastating at first. even so, i was more devastated when i was about to decide to break up than when the break up occured itself. i thought about it a lot, i gave us time, then i totally gave up.
i can't lie to myself thatt i was tired of fighting for the idea of 'us'.


in the end, i stop regretting all the things i'd decided in the past and start to accept things as it is: that maybe it happened for right reasons, that i should learn from it, that then i know what i want and what i don't want from a relationship, what i look for in a partner, what's the essential things in relationship and all.

i was sooo tired of the break up that i'm planning that i would never have another break up ever again. means that i should have a relationship only if i am fully into it, only if i am sooo in love with the guy, with the relationship, with all the x y z factors that i would fight for it, hard.

actually, this was the first real relationship i've had. i mean, the previous ones were all-egoistic things all around. but this one, i was being more patient, forgiving, understanding, and all. i was ready to melt a half to collide into one, but then i realized that this wasn't worth it, for some personal reason, that i didn't wanna do more than this. eventhough i go on further, even if i could handle that once, i knew things would end up for the reasons i knew and kept for myself.

'but you look so fine. i never saw it coming.'
'why should i put the negative things on show? why should i let people know my insecuritites and my worries?'

and actually, eventhough i seem like to know what i was doing, know what i am doing, actually, i dont know if i really do/did the right thing or not, if i make/made a good decision or not, if i have and hadput enough thoughts on it or not, and all.
so i just pray, i pray a lot to God to bless any kind of feelings and thoughts that i have, so i could go on another day better than today, even if i did wrong at the very first place. even if it was a mistake to end things up  i pray that the upcoming things would be so wonderful in the way that only God knows, in the way that i couldn't even imagined a bit of it. aamiin.

i know that i need to post this before i post things about 2014/2015 thingies. till this very second, i'm still reassuring myself that it's the best thing to do. that i do the right thing. i don't wanna get back to any of my ex. i don't wanna redo the same mistakes i have done and i know i would do.
i need to learn to stand on my own, because sometimes if it can't be most of the time: it's better to be alone than to be with wrong person. even it's in such a harddd moment like this month. it was such a big thing for me that i can't go on another chapter without embracing that.


i don't know how, but somehow, the previous relationship gave me kind of happiness but sucked out my energy for such positivity. i don't know whether it was because the last few weeks were disastrous for me or anything else, but after i was done with the freakin-sad moment, i was kinda relieved 'cause i finally have time for my self in such great vibe i had never felt that way in the last few months. can't we miss ourselves?:)

so i thought started from now i could write things about my 2015. i have LOTS of plans in this year, i can finally remember what i once wanted, and i have lots of energy about that. eventhough it would be SO much easier to have another arm for me, but i still have to go on with what i've decided and learn to stand on my own. bismillah, bless me dear Allah.:)



see you soon, then? xx.

:)

one little thing

i once promised myself to stop writing anything personal here. i even wanted to make this blog private bcs i want to make another blog which contains the writing materials i used to write for my online magazine back then. i missed writing about lifestyle, current trend, tips&tricks. i read so much that i have an urge to share it back. i even had bought a diary so i dont need to write out here (should be). plus, i've got my fellas outta there, i thought, who need t owrite anything personal, here?

but i was wrong.

sometimes the only one i could hold on into is myself. sometimes i cannot count on anyone. why should others concern about me as if they hadnt had enough stuffs in mind? they have busy life already.

writing in a diary; i used to do that since elementary school till high school. i write things, so much. almost each day. but it's not like writing a blog. in a blog, even it's almost no one outta there who read it, i act like there is anyone, or a bunch of people who read it. i write not only about the things i feel, but something that i finally could learn about. just so the reader not only read about the days of my life , but they got something over here.

and there is the time, when i thought i'm gonna be fine, but then i'm not. i thought i could do that, but the fact i am hardly believe in myself. i thought i could pass this, but the fact is, i dont know how to face another day.

this week, i sleep a lot. in the night i sleep almost 9-10 hours, in the noon i sleep for 1-3 hours. i wish i could getting numb by the time i woke up, but i didn't. i wish i could pause the time the moment i slept, but the fact is the time's still running right after i opened my eyes.

it's not something so bad. i just have that kind of thing. one bad thing happens. i ignore it. then things get worse and i remember all the bad things as if i dont deserve all the good things. this is the time when i usually tell sandy. to help me feel better. but long story, she's not currently available.

i know how it feels to be miserable and alone so i try mybest to be a good company for anyone, though not everyone knows how to be one, or even have a slight willingness to try to be one.

i know. i know i can get up on my own feet. i know i have God Who will help me. but going through this before the sun comes up is just not easy. and i know, it's kind of mind trick, i could make it bigger or smaller only with my mind. but.. i almost have no energy to do that.

but you know, i have the largest source of energy called Allah. so i think i'm gonna be fine, in time:)

just found out

"However, love isn’t a one-time deal — for some it may be, but for most people, it takes a couple of tries to find someone who will meld together with them into each other’s perfect puzzle piece. And don’t get me wrong, it’s not because you didn’t love all of the previous people you fell in love with, but it’s because you didn’t exactly fit together. Think of them as that puzzle piece we tried to pair up together because it looked like they would fit, and maybe one part of the piece clicked, but no matter how hard we tried, not its entirety.

Love isn’t just a matter of feeling. It’s a matter of circumstance. Many people have stated that timing is everything, but I believe circumstance is that umbrella which encompasses timing, personal development, and personal stability.

No matter how much you love someone, if their career takes them away, if they’re struggling personally and financially, or if you’re both simply adjusting into two different phases of life, it will most likely not work out or it will be extremely difficult to see eye-to-eye or even spend time with each other. To put it simply, if you can’t keep yourself afloat, stable, or happy just yet, you won’t really have the time to fully cherish someone else in your life.

There are times in life where regardless of how in love you are, the circumstances don’t add up to keep each other in your lives. The circumstances have to be right: when you’re mature enough to handle the commitment, the conflicts and the differences in a relationship, and also when you’re stable enough to have the freedom to dedicate your time, money, and efforts to making another person happy. You have to love yourself first, love your life second, and only then can you fully love and commit to another person and maintain a healthy, long-lasting relationship. "

the most academically-dense months

10th june: exam

23rd june: exam

2nd july : exam

and im studying for about 7-10 days before the exams. almost a month straight of studying from waking up in the morning to the night sleep. 

and then thesis revision and completing the whole thesis.

and then  practical exam called osce.

and then thesis defense (crossing fingers)

this is gonna be worth it. this is gonna be worth it.