hard time

it's been a rough moment. my grade decreased. i've been sad for almost every single week. i feel alone. like no one cares as i care for many. i'm tired begging, im tired working my ass on building relationship with people. when will people fight for me? when will people get used to me?

saya lelah menunggu untuk dimengerti. saya lelah beradaptasi dan menarik semua kegembiraan saya untuk orang lain. awalnya saya tulus ingin menghidupkan suasana. tapi lama-lama saya sadar, cuma saya yang berusaha disini.
saya sering berfikir bagaimana jika saya pergi dari semuanya. bukan mati, saya belum siap bertemu Tuhan. saya cuma ingin mereka tidak memiliki saya lagi. saya lelah.tapi saya tidak pernah menunjukkannya di muka mereka. saya tidak pernah punya keinginan untuk membuat suasana sedih dan runyam bagi orang lain. siapapun itu.

this is my lowest and weakest point. and im still working my ass on to lift it up.





how can people not to stare me and ask if im ok?

they dont know weather im ok or not. i'll be be fine, anyway.



and now im trying my ass on being alone. not to share any single thing to any single one. having dependency on people makes you weak. and i hate myself for being weak. that weak.

please God... i wanna get outta this sad circle. i promise im gonna swim to the edge of this black-inked sadness sea. i hate being here.
iloveYou, Allah, for being THERE when no one else was. thankyou for listening and understanding and giving me great experiences.

idonthaveaboyf, idonthavesupercoolcampuslife, but im sure im gonna have a good personality so i can get trough anything really good. so i can stand&&still.

dreamcatcher: menjadi dokter

Saya ingin menjadi dokter, dan betapa pun itu terdengar membosankan, tapi saya berkeinginan untuk menjadi dokter. Kalau orang lain punya keinginan untuk menjadi dokter sejak TK, saya tidak, sehingga persiapan untuk menjadi dokter pun hampir nol. Nilai-nilai akademik saya biasa-biasa saja, namun saya cukup beruntung untuk bisa masuk ke sekolah unggulan di Jogja. Saya bahkan mungkin tidak termasuk 50% terbaik di kelas pada awalnya, namun saya tidak peduli. Toh buat saya saat itu, hidup bukan untuk sekedar nilai.

Sampai saat itu, Bude terdekat saya yang mengidap kanker payudara stadium lanjut harus bolak-balik rawat inap di rumah sakit. Saya yang saat itu masih menggunakan seragam putih biru sering datang untuk menjenguk beliau. Saat berada dirumah sakit, saya hanya terkagum-kagum oleh ramahnya dokter, perawat dan bahkan pasien-pasien sekitar yang kami temui. Bukannya sebagai tempat yang infectious, rumah sakit malah memberi banyak energi positif untuk saya. Saya rela menempuh perjalanan 10 menit dengan bis kota untuk mencapai rumah sakit dan menengok Bude saya.. Rasanya momen-momen tersebut sangat damai.

Tapi saat itu, saya masih ingin menjadi menejer perusahaan, dimana saya akan berpakaian modis dan bertemu banyak orang baru dan seru. What can be more fun than that?  Saya masih mengelak tentang menjadi dokter. Alasannya simple, menjadi dokter adalah impian semua orang dan saya malas bersaing dengan semua orang. Lagipula menjadi dokter terdengar membosankan, ratusan buku harus di khatamkan, bekerja dengan otak setiap saat. Tiring.

Dan angin itu berhembus. Angin kesedihan yang dibawa oleh berita kematian Bude yanti. Saat itu saya hanya terdiam dan tidak percaya. Bagaimana bisa secepat ini? Dan hari-hari pun berlalu berlalu seperti biasa. Sampai pada suatu ketika, saya teringat oleh semua kasih sayang Bude,  bagaimana peran Bude merawat saya saat  ayah dan ibu saya sibuk. Saya menangis tiap malam, menyesali betapa tak acuhnya saya pada Bude di detik-detik terakhir kesehatannya, sebelum Beliau koma selama hampir satu bulan.  I’ve had that sad moment for almost 3 months.

Dan saya memutuskan untuk menjadi dokter.

Lagipula, bukanya dokter sangat bermanfaat untuk orang lain? Saat yang lain sibuk membicarakan gaji, saya cukup dibayar oleh kepuasan pasien dan tanda terima kasih mereka. Atau mungkin saat tidak ada lagi yang menghargai pekerjaan saya, saya masih menjadi tangan bantuan dari Tuhan untuk penyembuhan umat Nya. Dan saya sangat suka membaca. Alasan apalagi yang saya butuhkan untuk menolak menjadi dokter? Ya, saat itu ada satu alasan; urusan akademik.

Memasuki SMA unggulan tidak membantu saya untuk mengingat tujuan utama saya disini. Bukanya belajar, saya malah sibuk mencari teman dan pengalaman. Sebenarnya saya tidak sepenuhnya lupa tujuan utama saya disini, namun saya lupa untuk berusaha menggapainya. Saya hanya sambil lalu mengikuti pelajaran, beberapa kali bolos, dan kehidupan saya hanya terisi dengan kegiatan extra dan berkumpul bersama teman-teman. Menyesal? Tidak. karna pada tahun ketiga, saya telah sepenuhnya sadar dan siap untuk menggapai mimpi saya. Sangat sulit mengubah kebiasaan untuk belajar dari bangun tidur sampai tidur lagi, mengingat saya bahkan tidak pernah belajar kecuali ketika exams week di tahun pertama dan kedua. Tapi ini demi mimpi saya. Semua orang meremehkan keinginan saya untuk menjadi dokter dari Universitas unggulan di Jogja. It’s bloody hell hard, they said. Tapi saya ingin itu, dan hanya itu, dan saya harus bisa mewujudkannya. Bahkan ketika saya diterima di universitas swasta dimana ayah saya mengajar, semua orang masih meremehkan saya. Mereka bilang itu nepotisme. Mereka nggak tau bagaimana saya khawatir dan belajar keras untuk ujian tersebut. Dan ketika saya gaga ldi seleksi undangan, saya hanya punya waktu 18 hari untuk persiapan seleksi tulis. Untungnya, saya tidak pernah benar-benar berhenti belajar, jadi memulai usaha keras bukan jadi PR besar. Menyiapkan mental dan optimism adalah tugas besar saya. Dan hari H ujian. Semuanya berjalan lancar kecuali sakit maagh yang datang. Saya sudah tidak peduli dengan hasilnya, karna saya sudah melakukan yang terbaik dan biar Allah yang menentukan.

Lalu pengumuman pun datang. Saya tidak siap gagal lagi… bismillahirrahmanirrahim. Saya buka dan …. Alhamdulillah saya diterima di fakultas kedokteran universitas negri terbaik disini. Dan ini bukan akhir dari mimpi saya. It’s a very beginning. Ini saatnya saya memulai perjalanan saya, dan juga mengingatkan orang lain untuk punya impian dan menghidupkannya, seperti yang saya lakukan. And I’ve been striving hard here, but always have a smile in the end of day. Karna sekarang, saya bisa berkata: I’m living my dreamJ now, would you?

met a passionate doctor

ditengah sibuknya kuliah, ditengah banyaknya tulisan abstrak yang harus dimengerti dan di hafalkan mati, kelas tutorial jadi salah satu kelas yang inspiratif buat aku. kita study kasus, walaupun masih dasar, tapi kita menyentuh realita dari penyakit-penyakit yang ada dan (masih) sederhana.
saat itu seorang dokter wanita membimbing kami. sepanjang diskusi kami, beliau hanya diam dan tampak tidak ekspresif. aku pikir, diskusi kelompok kami mungkin terlalu membosankan. tapi yasudah lah, mungkin banyak pasien yang kasusnya lebih menarik untuk dipikirkan daripada memikirkan diskusi kelompok kami. tapi pada akhir diskusi, saya jadi yakin kalau beliau mendengarkan, karna beliau mengutarakan pendapat tentang celotehan-celotehan kami mengenai kasus ini. beliau membagikan sedikit ilmunya kepada kami, menjawab pertanyaan-pertanyaan kami tersebut. mengetahui beliau menjawab dengan sangat lancar, saya curiga beliau sudah mengambil spesialis di bidang tersebut (genitary, aku pikir beliau spesiali kulit dan kelamin, atau obsgyn). ternyata beliau dari spesialis anak. iya, spesialis yang terkenal dengan dunia residennya yang keras. mendengar cerita kakak kelas tentang kehidupan-setelah-menjadi-dokter yang tak kalah beratnya daripada mengejar gelar S.ked, aku pikir, residen anak pasti jadi salah satu pintu 'siksaan' lainnya. kemudian aku tanya pada dokter tersebut.

"dok,spesialis anak susah ya?"

"kalau kamu suka sesuatu, semua pasti terasa menyenangkan dan ringan, kan?"

lalu mataku berbinar-binar, entah beliau menyadarinya atau tidak. one thing i dislike about medicine is that the people are too much into reality. they forget how to have a dream 'cs reality itself is just good enough to live in. mereka jadi terlalu saklek dan memandang pengalaman sebagai fakta mutlak. mimpi-mimpi saya hampir mati karna cerita tentang sulitnya kehidupan spesialis dan sekaligus susahnya kehidupan dokter umum. mungkin mahasiswa kedokteran terlalu sibuk dengan pelajarannya sehingga lupa untuk membaca buku-buku dengan genre selainkedokteran dan (sedikit) hiburan. hey, dunia itu luas, yang hebat itu JAUH lebih banyak daripada cuma dokter yang menyalurkan penyembuhan dari Allah. kenapa bangga berlebihan? mungkin banyakyang menganggap bahwa menjadi dokter sudah cukup oke untuk punya impian lain. menganggap bahwa sulitnya sekolah adalah realita yang tidak mungkin satu orang pun elakkan. rasanyajahat menyebarkan feeling-feeling buruk tentang sulitnya sekolah. mereka mematikan sayap-sayap mimpi saya. mereka bilang mimpi tidak cukup, padahal mimpi lah yang membawa saya lolos ke fakultas kedokteran terbaik se-Indonesia ini.


terimakasih, dok, untuk satu kalimat berharganya. saya harus bersyukur atas pengalaman ini. saya jadi punya positive thoughts tentang kampus dan kehidupan kesehatan; bahwa tidak semua orang disini mengejar sesuatu karna ingin semua yang terbaik, atau materi yang berlimpah, atau bahkan gengsi semata. masih ada orang yang punya pengalaman cukup banyak hingga mencapai spesialis dan masih memegang teguh passionnya:)

alhamdulillah

look back and write

i've been not writing like... for ages. haha. not. it's just few weeks from my last blog post. i wanna write SO MUCH here but im afraid i might forget half or even most of them.

academic things went rough but i have to thank God for the great scores i've got. i had wished for that, but i couldn't imagine that after i met the war i should win. now left 1.3's score. please pray for me....:) i really studied hard. not hard enough to get the beyond-imagination-scores, but enough to save me from academic problems. alhamdulillah:)

as the days have passed, i was just thinking about anything; the career, the family, the love life, the friendship, and all. i wanna have a close relationship with elderly patients in hospital. i wanna hear what they feel, what's their biggest wish, i wanna help them to be simply happy. i know, doctors are trained to help God to heal, cure the pain, not to be a happiness maker. but that's my dream. that's what brought me here. so it thought i wanna be an internist, or taking hospital management for bachelor. but if i take one of those, that means i have to work hard in hospital. and what about my family? ok, wait... can i pick a perfect guy to be a husband, first? im not sure with my instinct any longer, i have no intention to feel hurt and to taste being close to anyone 'cause it brings the weakest version of me. i even can give up on anything to get what i really love.. or who i really love.
im not sure on my feelings, so i keep my heart and brain to academic things.. beside it's way easier to control, it makes me look stronger than what feelings had done to me. 
then i watched durable love by Joko Anwar. a short movie, comedy-romantic one. on that movie, the girl said: dunia itu huge, dan cara terbaik nikmatinnya adalah sebagai single. gimana nggak menyenangkan, gue bisa pay attention ke hal-hal yang gue demenin, dan gue bisa ngatur hidup gue dengan cara yang gue mau. then i wanna scream: THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS TO MEEE!!!!! yeaaah i got my fckin team!!! single team!!!! and as i watched that movie... my perspective went away somewhere far. i miss romance. i miss how i can be stupid and do stupid things for the one i love. and for the past 2 years i might be close with a certain guy, but then i realized it wasn't real love. it's a feeling i give to the person i care because he was nice. it was like paying back all the good stuffs he had done to me. but when he went away, i didn't feel hurt even a sec. then i knew, i wasted my time:) that line on the movie kicked me again: dunia itu huge, aku nggak bisa ngabisin sendiri, makanya, aku pingin bagi sama kamu. Yaps,  i really wanna share the world with the one i love, with the one who loves me, and deserves me as well. so far that award goes to my closest friends and family.. and i wish for a good guy coming in a good timing so we can make a good connection though:)

first semester of uni life had passed. i barely believe it. i mean, it was like the moment i'd graduated, studied so hard to get into any medical school... and now i'm living my dreams with my friends and theirs too. so many things had changed. my mates had finally know where  they wanna go. they change into the persons they wanna be. should be happy for them, even some changes are the things i might dislike. and that day i met my male-best-friend; i just found out that he turns out to be more mature than before, he thought about the world around him as much as i did, or even much more. i'm kinda proud of him, of who he's become. never expect or thought he had grown up that much. ok, i might looked like so surprised but i really was. and he's the longest male-best-friend i have, the closest too!!! yeaaaah, forever friend, dude!!:D
it's amazing how 17 years old changes people, and as the ages added, they change into a new person. these years, these months, these times, might be bloody hard but as diamond, we might spark the shine in the end:)

i love how holiday gives me good days. i swim a lot, buy some cooking books and piano tutorial books, i drove the car around the city (yeah finally!!) and all. i miss watching movie and still haven;t been able to rent or copied any movie..:( but fortunately i had watched a sweet movie, "One Day" on xxi. REALLLLY SWEEET!!! i even cried during the movie. i enjoyed that movie so much and i wish people watch it.. because it's simply beautiful movie!:)
and it's fun to have good times with family. i had a fun date with my dad to Jakarta, visited his colleague there. not much to do there, since we weren't planning to have a  vacation there, but there are conversations that we might missed here in home. then my dad said: we should have vacation more often. *puppy eyed* YESS DADDY, YESS!! that might mean that he enjoyed the time with me:) i love you dad!<3 had more time in home and not just get in my bedroom, study; i finally can come out and talking with all families without worry about study things. i get my self more relaxed and i fucking need more time to relax my self more.... i dont lie but i've never sleep well after get into college. i always thoguth about tomorrow's test and all. screw you medschool.... lucky you that i love you that much so i wont ever give up on you!!! *now kiss!*

and today i had spent my day with my crazy high school mates! we went to watch a movie, then had lunch, then went to irene's home. everything seems normal until at 5 pm someone asked us to go to Parangtritis. and i dont know where sanity went away from our heads but we all agreed.... it took an hour to get there, so the sun had gone away, it was all dark. we were afraid because there was no lighting so we decided to go back. yeps, only 5 minutes standing there, see nothing... only took some pictures and updated statuses. then get back home at 8 pm. hell yeah but we're happy!!!!!!!!!!!!! i don't know how to write insanity and craziness over the words but today might be the most amazing day in 2012 with Teladan11... or i just say it.. #irenizers? lolssss!!! i love you guyssssssssssss!!<3

still, working on deadline of ai magz, cheering and volunteering with IFL and all. i love my job and my social things. i also love my friends and family. so sad that havent been able to watch movie and read books. soon promise you... soon!


now almost 3 am so.... let's go sleep! thanks for reading such a long story..*Smooch*

med student video

this is (so far) the best video about medical students in youtube.com. do you have any better? lemme know it:)

learn to manage my time

as i had written before, now i work for two jobs; online marketing and writer for @ai_magz (you can check them out on www.abankirenk.com :) ). it's like my college life hasn't taken up much time; well, it sucks my time, actually. but working... having my own sallary.. is just fascinating. and writing articles... gosh i've been dreaming to do this! so that's no way im not doing this:) plus as a public relation on IFL, we have to make a project or contribute something (can't write it here now), so yes, IFL is another thing to manage.

well, like others said, so much to study on medschool... i don't lie. i haven't done writing a report, etc. that's why i decided to not take any single organization here in campus (which now i actually regret but.. well have reasons to not do that anw. no need to regret anymore). so i was at the time when i felt like i mess up with the time.... i had SO MUCH spare time but i DIDN'T use it wisely. so at the end of the day, i ended up over-think about the day i wasted.

and after a long period of thinking ... (not literally), now i've found some shortcuts to make my days well-spent:

1. learn how to manage the time. i am still learning, and i believe that so many people outta there, probably those managers, also still learning the art of time-managing. i suggest you to buy some books about it, what i bought was "18 Minutes" by Peter Bregman. sadly i haven't found managing-time books whose author Indonesians. do you have any recommendation?
2. make goals. goals are the things you wanna achieve. make a clear about when it should be achieve. make it in details, in the most reachable to the least ones. with a SMART methods, you'll get it easier:)
3. to-do-list. it's a simple list about goals of the day. what you should do in a day. make it specific. what time it should be done. set the priority, does t really important? make it reachable also. you won't be able to re-write a 1000 paged book in a day, right?
4. stick to it, stay motivated. remember the whole goals you've set, remember what takes you here before. you should never stop. sky's the limit. believe you can do ANYTHING as long as you want it so bad that you work really hard. pray. God will always keep you motivated:)


actually i wanna write them all in super details but.. i'm not sure i'm mastering it yet. so if you wanna read the whole details about them, check mindtools.com out.i learned SO MUCH from that site. and i know how we (girls) love to keep neat, organized, and still cute! go to http://www.youtube.com/user/ailyxxxfashion and you wont regret it even a bit!:)



ok this is random but i wanna show you a really funny video about which is made by some med students. reallyyyyy true and i cant stop laughing during this video and yelling :THIS IS SOOOO TRUEEE!!!!!



have a good saturday night!

adoring in a very fine meaning

Now playing: Daydreaming - Adele

he's my favorite type of guy. he fulfills 75% of my what-i-could-say-criteria. i kinda like him but he doesnt know me. at all. i'm 3 years away from him, i'm at medschool and he's engineering school. we hardly know each other, so i let my hopes away. but that's not the point.

he opens my mind about the world. the more i seek info about him, the more i know how passionately he chases his passion, in the middle of ovey-dovey people. he knows what he wants and how to get that. if it's not enough, he's running, chasing his dream; not only by talk, but by a real action. then i think about myself, how about you Nin? you always said you wanna be a part of global world, of a change, but what did you do? nothing.

and i tried to do some research on my dreams trough web & do blog walking trough inspiring blog. well, now i finally found my passion for once more and..... finally meet the courage to chase it, even it just little by little.

bismillah, i said in a whisper. please, Allah, bless me in every way. thank You SO MUCH for these lessons, for waking me up, for ringing the bell so i get up earlier and start to do what i've gotta do. thankYou Allah:)

and i still have the admiration for that guy. and hopefully i can finally get to know him :)