another Hello, again

i was watching a reality show then one question bothered me, so much.
"Do you believe in yourself?"
"... Eighty percent ... yes ..."
"Really? Because what we're seeing is you're eighty percent do not believe in yourself."

I felt like shot gunned.
Then I asked myself, "Do you believe in yourself?"

you can see me smiling all over, doing silly Things, talking like I do not care about anything but me but inside, I Actually Almost can not believe any of what I do.
I do not know when was the first time I started to feel that way. Because Actually I was born reallllly bold. All of my family loves me. They tell me I'm beautiful and incredible as a kid. I was brave Enough to walk alone without any adult since I was on Kindergarten. I believed That I was good Enough to live. I had no doubt about anything.


But then it changed.
I got my friends Rejected me since I was on fifth graders. They said it's how I talked, how I Moved My lips, how I made friends with circles of friends That annoyed Them. They made me do every group-task We Had. They insulted what I'd done. They made me wrote a love letter to someone's crush, and then that person took me to a place and she mad at me for that. I was forced! If I didn't do that, they said they would never be my friends. And those friends WHO forced me just laughing and just made the situation worse.
When I'm writing this my heart hurts. And I just remembered that I've been forgetting this since....years ago


Then junior high school. I was not a smart ass on elementary school back then, but I was confident enough that it might be hard but I still hadn't lose my hope to get into the best school in town. Then I was accepted. At the first month there, I cried. I missed my friends, not the ones That bullied me. But the guy-friends. (Yes, in elementary school, I failed made friends with those girls, so I tried to have a good friendship with boys and it worked.) When I finally Could pass the first year, the second year wasn't much better. Almost a whole class hated me. They even had a special occasion, kind of meeting for every girl in the class, with Some lists in papers of what's so bad about me. You know, now what I Recognize from myself is what is so bad about me. Some people ware kind Enough to treat me normally. But no one really fought that. I thought it was karma for me, for ever did that to a person WHO laid a whole class. at that moment, it was like: now it's my turn!! I can not say I'm a saint. i know what i did is just wrong. and it happened for reasons, for making me realize that it's not anyone's right to judge people, to make other's life seem worse, because the world itself is cruel. At least I could learn That I SHOULD NEVER judge anyone for what They had chosen in life.
Almost every day I cried. Things I wrote on book. I kept blaming myself for having Such an ugly personality. The closest friends were the ones WHO hated me the best, it was such a. .. I do not know. I just do not know how to properly write what I felt. They Might hate me so much for this post. They always toll me ........ That should I forget it all. But if you were me, can you forget a terrible memory? When no-one can not accept you. When you feel like you DONT have any place to go, to stay, except my bedroom? You do not have anyone to talk to. Because you can not imagine you have not felt that way. May you then say: I know how to behave, unlike you. That's the point. They kept telling me what's wrong about me without letting me know how to fix it. I was so confused. And ... Is there no one that has worse personality than mine? There will Be many. So if you want to fix me, why did you use unpleasant words?
That time I needed justify.
Then Some guy-friends felt bad about me. I made friends with most of Them. But then I was said as a bitchy.
Then I saved my money to buy some self-helping books. Then They said I was on a bad diet.

Every morning in the car, when We Crossed Gramedia book store, my heart beat faster. What am I going to do today? Am I going to survive? Can't I just skip school?

Senior year. I thought it would be better. Well, it was better. But I Remembered, again. It was afternoon and my closest friend was sitting on the opposite of me, looking through my eyes, then looking down, then looking at EACH other. They were the resource persons like on the opposite. Then They said what's bad about me again. They talked as it was for me, but Actually, it hurt.
Then I said to one of my friend: I do not feel like I deserve you all. I am too bad to anybody.
And she said: what did you say? Come on ...

Enough of junior high school, it was the time to focus on getting to the best school in town. but then I just don't have confidence. I Didn't believe That I can't get trough the best high school in town.
Then I Didn't get into the best school. I Did not even apply for that. That I was that not confident.


The high school I got into is the modest one. That I was not comfortable at first, so I made friends as much as I could, played as much as I could, skip as many classes I could. It was fun.
Then, second year. People started to hate me. They talked my back. No one was really on my side. The ones I trust the ones WHO also spilled my story and made others hate me more. Why? Because I seemed like seek so much attention, annoying, buzzing, and others. But do you notice? i didn't really do something that bother their life, actually. I did not spill Their secrets, I did not back stab people, I did not lie people. I treated Them as good friends.


And this is a big truth: People see me like I fall for guys so easily, but actually, I fall for how They showed Their feelings to me. How They paid attention to me. How They seemed like would do anything for me.

And I didn't really fall for many guys. There is just one I can not forget, I can not get out of my mind. But Some of my friends didn't like us being together so much; they acted like... forget it. Then I was like on a crossing road: Between the friends I've been Longing and the one I loved the most.

Then I chose friends

Because I have never really had Them. And the love? ...

And I cried a lot at night. i ever thought to get a psychologist .... but I was never brave enough to just come to a professional helper. I was too broken to anyone.

well, my forever friends are just books and music. They helped me a lot trough these all. Although they can't perfectly heal me, I just feel better to put my focus on other things.


The more I read books, the more I want to be a doctor. I feel like un-beneficial human beings. I thought doctor can make people think that Their life is saved. People love how doctor knows what to do to make Them better. I love how people feel blessed because of what doctor does to Them, even just what doctor does a procedure in his job. I love how people feel so happy just because doctor had checked them and Gave Them advice. It's like everyone Would like me, Because I seem like heal Them or even just make Them feel better.

Biggest So That is my motivation to be a doctor.
To simply be happy and accepted.
And I'm working hard on it. Dear God, please, I beg you please, let me get this chance to get into the best med. School in this town. Pretty please? Amen.




.....
.....
.....
Now I have nothing to write.
Now I feel so much better ...
I do not lie:)





and despite of those Things, I really appreciate the ones WHO keep supporting me. I'm sorry for have not be a good person, yet. I m sorry I ever bothering annoying being a bad human being. and I'm sorry for ever just being me ...

and I'm sorry if any of my words hurt you here, any of whoever WHO read this (even just one or two Humans). I just try to be true of what I've been feeling. You do not know how I feel, keeping this, without having anyone to share. Any single one. So I try to share here, so for anyone who feels the way I feel, gets trough what I've been trough, I just Want to say: you are not alone.

and this is not like i don't forgive the people, or i hate them. i've never taught to hate people. but i just can't let the hatred of the past goes. i just can't forgive the past.

I promise I keep changing me into the better.
People Might say: you are not true to yourself!
But I will from say: what if true to me does not Enough for anybody?

Thanks for bothering yourself to read Such a Long Readings. Thanks for not judging after you read this. Thanks for apologizing and keep me Praying for me.

"Barangsiapa yg tdk ridha thdp ketentuan-Ku, dan tdk sabar atas musibah dari-Ku, maka carilah Tuhan selain Aku." (HR. Bukhari&Muslim)

vday

this is the sweet. really. could you mention any singer who ever did the same thing as that? he's incredible! and sweet:)

Januari ;-)

"Yeah, move fast, be bold. Focus on impact. And, I think , you know, I think long term focus is a really important part of this and we've had a lot of opportunit1es to optimize for the shorter term whether it's in selling the company or doing in different products that would have benefited us in the short term but not optimized for the long term impact. I just think opportunities like this don't come around that often. So, when you get one, I feel like you almost have a duty to see it through and built it to be what it can be."

January is almost over. i just can't believe that 2011 would be running this fast, really. last week i did a med.school entrance's test, private college one. and alhamdulillah, i'm accepted:) but youknow what, it becomes blurry now. all my dreams to be a doctor, is going to be blurry. doesn't mean i don't wanna be a doctor, but..... it's like. 'ok, i'm accepted, so why don't i jump into that college like now, study about anatomy, pathology, and all, forget about the other tests? but no, you have to do national exams, do a state-college-enrollment-test. rrr, oke. do that. let's say i've accepted in somewhat university studying medicine ... then what? study again. reaal hard. so ok, let's do it. saying hello again to slepless night. another 5 periode of slepless night. less holiday. then well, i'd be a doctor, then what?'
and after that me-and-my-mind fights, now all become moreeeee real than ever. as mark zuckerberg said:
I just think opportunities like this don't come around that often. So, when you get one, I feel like you almost have a duty to see it through and built it to be what it can be.

state university's enrollment test doesn't come that often, in my lifetime. so why don't we strive real hard, look what it would be, be proud of any result of that, say hello to other opportunities, smile again, work hard again anytime i see an opportunity again, and so on, and go on, and that's how life works. i'm gonna do this for the smart-ass people in the whole world that don't have that much opportunity as i have now. and for the God's sake. and for life's challenge's sake.

i hate the nowadays people's idea about getting something instantly. life isn't like polaroid camera, you click one, and the result come out that fast. someone said life's like a wheel, and another person said life's like going up to the mountain. i'd rather say that life is like a dry leaves. at first, you are green, hanging on a tree, then wind take you up and down, with its hard and slow way. you may swinging, or just staying at the ground, but wind always take you to an adventure once again, and once again, and once again, until you break down into pieces, and hopefully give a benefit to soil around. and for the people who belive in EVERYTHING COMES INSTANTLY, i'm gonna tell you one thing; that you're damn insane.

the point is, enjoy the whole proccess. when you wish it'd be end soon, it'd be end. you happy? not, you're not. you're missing the moments you've been spending without realizing. it'd be just like a blink of eye. or even if you're happy, there are plenty of processes you should do before you die. you think get something ended makes you happier? no. happy is nothing but inside your heart. i'm still working on that, as everyone else; be happy inside. let's work together. and Thanks God, i have You to help me get trough this:)



what's inspiring this month:
1. La Tahzan. REAAAALLLYYY GOOODDD!!!!
2. the social network.
3. imogen heaps.

so yeah, another week comes. goodluck everyone!:)

it's not about just living the life, it's about having a hope in dream. yet it's not only about having a dream, it's about striving real hard to get it. and after all, it's only about God behind it all;-)

the last day of 2010

this is kinda hard for me, to write such an epilogue for this goddamn year. a year which showed me variety of love, kinds of friends, the strength of a dream and a thing called faith to God. ups and downs will always be there fulfilling the day by day for a whole year, and it'll be repeated for the next year.

i got close with a guy, who made me happy, who was there anytime i need; but i simply didn't feel the sparkle of the thing we called love. no heartbeat, no so-happy-moment, or something. we just realized it then we got separated. it wasn't like we had a relationship. but eight months close was special. then i let go a guy because i thought a friend would be so much worthy, but until now, i can't say anything about this. i can't say it was a good or bad choice. but i know God has done what's good for me. and i built a real relationship, but it was fake enough to make me realize that it would not be good. it was ended soon as i made a priority. as if my sister knew what i know about him, she'd be understand more.
lesson's learned: that i have to meet the jerk ones so i can be thankful of a guy God will give me in the end.

what i've been thankful so much about 2010 is i get back my closest mates of junior high. we grew up, we got apart, but then age realizing us something; that understanding is a matter. i love them:) in 2010 i also found some good friends. but there are fake ones among them. they talked behind my back. they disscussed about my bad attitude, instead of telling me the truth, give me advice and let me do instropection. they treated me badly. but then, they were nice to me sometimes. so i don't really think about that. all i'm gonna do is dong a betterment; be a growing self.
lesson's learned: that i may need some close friends to share with, i need to fit in, but just stay true, keep myself on the first priority, forgive quickly, forget about the bad ones:)

i've been dreaming about being a doctor since the first year in high school. i've posted so many things about that things, about the reasons, about the vision, and all. and it's a stepping year to get that dream. 2011 will be door to that dream. i have to study sooooooooo hard to get that. i know it won't be easy, or if it's easy, it'll lose its meaning. i don't wanna waste my time. i'm gonna do all my best to get that. what makes me sad is people are just too ambitious to get what they want in a bad way. some of people are planning to cheat using a collaguage ticket or a large amount of money to get into the university they want. and for me, i'm letting go of my ego about going to the best uni; what's matter is doing a good thing, working hard, and still on a right path. i know God will give me the best as if i do my best too:) during my downs, what made me standing strong for more was my dream. dream is a hope of future which present doesn't give. dream does betterment to me. dream makes me closer to God. dream does everything i need to have a quality life:)
lesson's learned: dream is the greatest invisible gift God has given to me that has made so many both invisible and visible blessings to me.

this year is another step to get me close to Allah. things go rough lately, then i had no power at all. but when i tried to get closer to God, it was like something to hold on. something to help me go trough all of the things. Allah has been really nice to me. He always answered my question (which lately i got it less than ever). Ramadhan was the month when i felt like He talked to me most. but then, lately, these weeks, i just feel like He's too quite. maybe it's because i've been examined and i haven't done it well. when i finish it all, Allah will talk to me as before. Allah is the GREATEST gift since i was born. Allah is the thing that makes my life easier to get trough. thanks Allah, to let me be a muslim since i was born. that was the biggest thing i should be thankful of. thanks for being there, always.
lesson's learned: religion is more than having the name of God on your bible, it's a faith that lead us to have a better life:)


done for reviewing 2010. and resolution for 2011?
1. get into best medical school.
2. get closer to Allah, family and friends.
3.be the better version of me
4. get perfect GPA for the whole academic year..
5.make new friends
6.help more people.
7.be able to drive car, cook some meals, and play piano:)

that's it. what about yours?:)

"I’m tough on myself in terms of my standards, but that’s also part of my pleasure: knowing you are being your fullest self."