One thing that I learned about our relationship for the past year is that how to forgive and forget. At first, I didn’t know how. When my boyfriend made one single mistake that had shaken me profoundly, I thought that was it. I was mad, I cried, I couldn’t talk to him for days, and I couldn’t think anything but giving up. I thought I wanted to give up. But he never ever gave up, not even once. He called me for times, he tried to explain about everything, and I started to want to tell him my story too; why it made me sad, what made me mad, how did I feel about all of these. I was so emotional that I knew, my words might hurt him. Realizing the potential to hurt him at that time, it started to hurt me too. I was neglecting that feeling, something that felt like the something stabbed me right on my chest and it got heavier each time I breathe. But later I realized I got hurt every time I knew I hurt him.
All the efforts and the conversation that we had at that time made me realize that I didn’t want to lose him. I also realized that if I decided to forgive him and let this issue go, we would not have this kind of crazy argument and we might not hurt each other this bad; we would be fine. All the sadness, the burdens, the heavy feelings I carried was all because of me that complicate things. And after realizing all of that, I learned a lot to forgive and forget, then move on. I didn’t have to bring that issue anymore, I didn’t have to blame him for once more, or anything. I have to let go because sometimes it gets too heavy to carry.
But sometime he didn’t understand. He didn’t understand how I choose one thing over another. Why would I make that decision? Or how could I decide something that he thought was not wise enough? I didn’t like being in an argument about something that feels too personal for me so I kept silent. But then, I didn’t think I could be with someone that couldn’t understand that part of me, so I decided to talk about that. if that brought us an argument, then be it.
“I know that you want only the best for me, but what if the best doesn’t make me happy? How do you know that the best thing you talked about makes me happy, even happier than my own decision? I believe that happy people could do almost anything because happiness gives them power. Can you believe in me? Can you believe in what I believe? Can you happy for me, please?”
And I tried so hard to bring my diplomacy skill into higher level. He was hard. He was stubborn. He was right for most of the time and he thought he was right for this too. But I let him know about one thing he hadn’t know before: that someone’s happiness can get really personal and not universal, so he had to respect that even it looked so weird and uncommon, he still had to believe in it. And he started to believe in me, he started to stop forcing his ideas into mine, and started to listen to me even more. Knowing that we’re progressing this far had made me so happy. The fact that I was able to deliver what I really wanted to say and wanted to do, which I was lacking in my previous relationships,made me happy too. I finally learned to communicate better too in this relationship.
I know I still have a long journey full of ups and downs ahead, but I know no one that fit me better than he does, so I thought, the journey must be worth it.
Thursday, June 8, 2017
Thursday, April 6, 2017
The Wedding Journey - Prologue
Mungkin ada yang bertanya-tanya, kok nina cepet banget sih… padahal kan pacarannya barusan?
Aku percaya tiap orang punya prinsip dan prioritas masing-masing, kebetulan aku anaknya kalo soal hal-hal penting dalam hidup pegangannya agama. Aku nggak mau pacaran lama-lama karena itu nggak ada tuntunannya dalam agama.. Walaupun aku juga ketemu dia cuma sebulan sekali dan biasanya cuma hari sabtu dengan jam malem jam 8.30 malem, tapi ya tetep aja dalam agamaku nggak ada pacaran. Terus kenapa nggak bisa untuk nggak pacaran sama sekali? Ya sayangnya imanku belum sekuat itu. aku belum bisa percaya sama stranger untuk langsung nikahin aku. aku merasa butuh ‘kenal’ sama calon pasanganku sebelum memutuskan untuk jadi pasangan seumur hidup.
Awalnya dia merasa punya target finansial yang ingin dia capai sebelum nikah sama aku. Tapi ya karena aku udah niat nggak mau pacaran lama itu tadi, jadi aku bilang ke dia bahwa aku nggak nikah buat cari hidup enak mapan kayak princess, yang kalo emang aku cinta banget sama hal itu (aka keindahan duniawi dalam bentuk material) ya aku nggak akan mau nikah cepet start from zero. Aku Cuma pengen nikah sama dia karena aku emang nggak pengen pacaran lama dan kebetulan aku udah ngerasa bahwa pencarian aku stop di dia, aku merasa aku bisa nih grow old sama dia, terus mau ngapain lagi? Menurutku akan ada banyak hal yang jadi jauh lebih menyenangkan ketika kita berdua tumbuh bareng daripada sendiri-sendiri.
Di sisi lain aku bilang juga bahwa kalo dia memang merasa belum mampu atau belum pengen nikah ya nggak papa, tapi nggak usah pacaran sama aku lama-lama. Ya temenan aja, jadi nggak wajib ngabarin mulu, ketemu sebulan sekali, jalan bareng dll dll. Terus aku bilang sholat (malam) dulu, doa yang banyak, minta diyakinkan. Aku waktu itu udah ngerasa pasrah, sih. Walaupun terdengar aneh, tapi aku bener-bener mutlak nggak pengen pacaran lama,jadi kalo dia belum siap ya aku yang harus siap-siap ikhlasin dia. Lalu abis itu, beberapa hari kemudian dia yang malah seyakin itu dan ngajakin aku nikah taun ini.
Sekali lagi, aku pasrahin aja sama Allah. Aku berdoa yang banyak.. aku minta petunjuk. Abis aku curhat banyak sama Allah tentang hal itu, aku baca Al Quran dan baca ayat ini:
“Dan nikahkanlah orang-orang yang sendirian di antara kamu, dan orang-orang yang layak (menikah) dari hamba sahayamu yang lelaki dan hamba-hamba sahayamu yang perempuan. Jika mereka miskin Allah akan mengkayakan mereka dengan karunia-Nya. Dan Allah Maha Luas (pemberianNya) dan Maha Mengetahui.”
(QS. An Nuur (24) : 32)
Wah gila, abis itu rasanya kayak dapet jawaban banget. kayak, apalagi sih, Nin yang bikin ragu? Ada laki-laki baik bertanggungjawab, insyaAllah ibadahnya baik, dateng nih mau nikahin. Ngapain sih ditolak-tolak atau ditunda-tunda Dan bismillah,abis itu aku bilang ke dia dan kita mulai rencanain semuanya, dari dia bialng ke ayahku sampai pertemuan keluarga dan planning panjang tentang goals kita di life after marriage. Apa udah yakin 100% mampu jadi istri dan calon ibu yang baik? Ya belum. Makanya aku rajin doa dan belajar tentang itu . Minta disiapkan sama Allah, terus lebih sering belajar agama, belajar untuk ibadah lebih baik lagi, karena buat aku semua yang dasarnya agama insyaAllah berkah.
Tapi mungkin kalo orang mikirnya practical ya ini sangat nggak ideal sih. Kayak di penjelasan aku ini, aku banyak ngomongin ttg faith aku, ttg belief aku, yang susah diaplikasikan sebenernya. Kayak,gimana lo yakin nikah sama orang padahal lo masih way too young? Atau masih banyak keinginan? Atau mungkin masih harus LDR? Buat apa? Kok bisa-bisanya nikah padahal belum kerja sendiri? Belum bisa biayain nikah sendiri? Dll dll. Tapi sekalilagi, emang latar belakang keinginanku banyak dipengaruhi sama kepercayaanku sih,. Aku tapi nggak mau bahas banyak ttg tuntunan agama secara lebih detail karena aku memang nggak pengen bikin post tentang ketentuan-ketentuan dalam Islam atau menggurui nyuruh semua orang nikah, karena itu adalah hal yang sangat penting dan sangat personal, jadi ya orang lain nggak bisa maksain. Aku Cuma pengen sharing aja tentang hal ini.
Terus gimana sama studi aku kedepan? Cita-cita aku? Cita-cita dia? Ya nggak gimana-gimana. Kita tetep on track buat berusaha dapetin itu semua. Aku percaya sih kalo berkeluarga insyaAllah bukan penghalang. shifting di prioritas pasti ada, tapi itu bukan tanda mutlak kita harus berhenti. Alhamdulillah, dia anaknya mau berkembang dan dukung aku buat berkembang.
Sampe sekarang aku masih belajar sih, masih berdoa juga buat kelancaran kearah sana. Dan mungkin bener kata orang, makin kita serius makin banyak cobaannya hahaha. Kalo kata sahabatku sih, “nikah itu kan ibadah, setan nggak suka liatnya terus berusaha gangguin deh.” Obatnya adalah berdoa berdoa berdoa. Minta diyakinin, minta dilancarkan, dan minta semuanya. Allah Maha Memberi,kok.
Aku percaya tiap orang punya prinsip dan prioritas masing-masing, kebetulan aku anaknya kalo soal hal-hal penting dalam hidup pegangannya agama. Aku nggak mau pacaran lama-lama karena itu nggak ada tuntunannya dalam agama.. Walaupun aku juga ketemu dia cuma sebulan sekali dan biasanya cuma hari sabtu dengan jam malem jam 8.30 malem, tapi ya tetep aja dalam agamaku nggak ada pacaran. Terus kenapa nggak bisa untuk nggak pacaran sama sekali? Ya sayangnya imanku belum sekuat itu. aku belum bisa percaya sama stranger untuk langsung nikahin aku. aku merasa butuh ‘kenal’ sama calon pasanganku sebelum memutuskan untuk jadi pasangan seumur hidup.
Awalnya dia merasa punya target finansial yang ingin dia capai sebelum nikah sama aku. Tapi ya karena aku udah niat nggak mau pacaran lama itu tadi, jadi aku bilang ke dia bahwa aku nggak nikah buat cari hidup enak mapan kayak princess, yang kalo emang aku cinta banget sama hal itu (aka keindahan duniawi dalam bentuk material) ya aku nggak akan mau nikah cepet start from zero. Aku Cuma pengen nikah sama dia karena aku emang nggak pengen pacaran lama dan kebetulan aku udah ngerasa bahwa pencarian aku stop di dia, aku merasa aku bisa nih grow old sama dia, terus mau ngapain lagi? Menurutku akan ada banyak hal yang jadi jauh lebih menyenangkan ketika kita berdua tumbuh bareng daripada sendiri-sendiri.
Di sisi lain aku bilang juga bahwa kalo dia memang merasa belum mampu atau belum pengen nikah ya nggak papa, tapi nggak usah pacaran sama aku lama-lama. Ya temenan aja, jadi nggak wajib ngabarin mulu, ketemu sebulan sekali, jalan bareng dll dll. Terus aku bilang sholat (malam) dulu, doa yang banyak, minta diyakinkan. Aku waktu itu udah ngerasa pasrah, sih. Walaupun terdengar aneh, tapi aku bener-bener mutlak nggak pengen pacaran lama,jadi kalo dia belum siap ya aku yang harus siap-siap ikhlasin dia. Lalu abis itu, beberapa hari kemudian dia yang malah seyakin itu dan ngajakin aku nikah taun ini.
Sekali lagi, aku pasrahin aja sama Allah. Aku berdoa yang banyak.. aku minta petunjuk. Abis aku curhat banyak sama Allah tentang hal itu, aku baca Al Quran dan baca ayat ini:
“Dan nikahkanlah orang-orang yang sendirian di antara kamu, dan orang-orang yang layak (menikah) dari hamba sahayamu yang lelaki dan hamba-hamba sahayamu yang perempuan. Jika mereka miskin Allah akan mengkayakan mereka dengan karunia-Nya. Dan Allah Maha Luas (pemberianNya) dan Maha Mengetahui.”
(QS. An Nuur (24) : 32)
Wah gila, abis itu rasanya kayak dapet jawaban banget. kayak, apalagi sih, Nin yang bikin ragu? Ada laki-laki baik bertanggungjawab, insyaAllah ibadahnya baik, dateng nih mau nikahin. Ngapain sih ditolak-tolak atau ditunda-tunda Dan bismillah,abis itu aku bilang ke dia dan kita mulai rencanain semuanya, dari dia bialng ke ayahku sampai pertemuan keluarga dan planning panjang tentang goals kita di life after marriage. Apa udah yakin 100% mampu jadi istri dan calon ibu yang baik? Ya belum. Makanya aku rajin doa dan belajar tentang itu . Minta disiapkan sama Allah, terus lebih sering belajar agama, belajar untuk ibadah lebih baik lagi, karena buat aku semua yang dasarnya agama insyaAllah berkah.
Tapi mungkin kalo orang mikirnya practical ya ini sangat nggak ideal sih. Kayak di penjelasan aku ini, aku banyak ngomongin ttg faith aku, ttg belief aku, yang susah diaplikasikan sebenernya. Kayak,gimana lo yakin nikah sama orang padahal lo masih way too young? Atau masih banyak keinginan? Atau mungkin masih harus LDR? Buat apa? Kok bisa-bisanya nikah padahal belum kerja sendiri? Belum bisa biayain nikah sendiri? Dll dll. Tapi sekalilagi, emang latar belakang keinginanku banyak dipengaruhi sama kepercayaanku sih,. Aku tapi nggak mau bahas banyak ttg tuntunan agama secara lebih detail karena aku memang nggak pengen bikin post tentang ketentuan-ketentuan dalam Islam atau menggurui nyuruh semua orang nikah, karena itu adalah hal yang sangat penting dan sangat personal, jadi ya orang lain nggak bisa maksain. Aku Cuma pengen sharing aja tentang hal ini.
Terus gimana sama studi aku kedepan? Cita-cita aku? Cita-cita dia? Ya nggak gimana-gimana. Kita tetep on track buat berusaha dapetin itu semua. Aku percaya sih kalo berkeluarga insyaAllah bukan penghalang. shifting di prioritas pasti ada, tapi itu bukan tanda mutlak kita harus berhenti. Alhamdulillah, dia anaknya mau berkembang dan dukung aku buat berkembang.
Sampe sekarang aku masih belajar sih, masih berdoa juga buat kelancaran kearah sana. Dan mungkin bener kata orang, makin kita serius makin banyak cobaannya hahaha. Kalo kata sahabatku sih, “nikah itu kan ibadah, setan nggak suka liatnya terus berusaha gangguin deh.” Obatnya adalah berdoa berdoa berdoa. Minta diyakinin, minta dilancarkan, dan minta semuanya. Allah Maha Memberi,kok.
Friday, January 20, 2017
#AboutHim00 263
Dear @alfianharfin Let's spend more days to love, to argue, to forgive, to fight what we thought is right, to keep each other company, to help each other to be better both as a person and as a partner. The highest act of love doesn't come in a physical form, and it may be differ from one another. So thankyou for keeping up with me through all the good and bad things, it's beyond what i deserve. I love you since you called me at 3 am, sang me a love song and left me clueless about everything, until now even when you never sing for me anymore 🙄
We're far from perfect but i think it's enough ❤
Saturday, January 7, 2017
That Outer Galaxy Love
Love is the best and worst thing that ever happened between us. Your name echoes in the deep vacuum intergalactic space for times and i still cannot speak your name out, i only tell the world that i love you in silence. I know they'll understand, hopefully you'll understand, too. I love you. I know sometimes i fade away but belive me, most of the time i'm still your biggest, best fan ever. I watch you from afar yet we seem so close at some moments. I love you. I hope it's enough.
And thank you for shining the world. You surely lightens the dark cold planets while I don't even have my own light. I'm not so sure i mean something to the world as you do. Even after your death millions years ago, you, through your shine that's left behind, are still one of the most adorable thing in the milky way ever.. .
P.s.: I love you to the non-dimentional infinity of the galaxy and never comeback. We'll be so lost in the pool of dark magnetic infinity and i don't care as long as i'm with you. And I will always be yours, until the infinity meets its end.
And thank you for shining the world. You surely lightens the dark cold planets while I don't even have my own light. I'm not so sure i mean something to the world as you do. Even after your death millions years ago, you, through your shine that's left behind, are still one of the most adorable thing in the milky way ever.. .
P.s.: I love you to the non-dimentional infinity of the galaxy and never comeback. We'll be so lost in the pool of dark magnetic infinity and i don't care as long as i'm with you. And I will always be yours, until the infinity meets its end.
Hi 2017
Hi, back my old blog. I wish you do just fine.
In 2015, I decided that I want to take my blog into different level. I promised myself to not write any kind of personal blog post, as I always did in this blog. I remembered those sad moments that I wrote in this blog and I couldn’t imagine any other people read that. I felt vulnerable at that time. But then, as I’d written on my new blog in 2016, about those reviews and all, I don’t feel like I belong there. I don’t feel like I fit writing those stuffs. I don’’t feel comfortable writing in bahasa Indonesia, though I know it’ll boost the views. I kept going with all the sections that I thought I would like to see in a blog. But the result is the same; I don’t feel like blogging anymore.
I love to go back to my old blog (this one and fiction frame) just to remind myself how good it feels to be honest and to write anything that I felt. I was ashamed of what I’ve written like, 5 years ago, and how emotional I was. But then, I am more comfortable writing those silly honest stuff instead of trying to be a tip and review girl on the other blog. I’d move few personal post to this blog. I want this blog as my public diary. I wanna become that old woman who sticks to blog eventho world has revolved from twitter to Instagram to vlog life.
2016 is most probably a quiet sea for me; it's good, relaxing, and a little bit boring, while 2015 brought me a whole rollercoaster feeling. last year i met the guy of my dream, i have the loveliest relationship ever in my life, i started #AboutHim00 to appreciate every little things that we had. i cut few connections and re-connect with old friends, just to make sure that the ones i have now are the only ones i need and bring positive vibes to me. i get closer to family and hopefully to God. i think 2016 is good, but i bet 2017 can be a whole more wonderful than ever. amiin.
Sunday, September 4, 2016
#AboutHim00 153
Rembember when i wrote the #DasaWina series? I was nothing but very sceptical about long distance relationship. What kind of relationship is that? A very fragile and sad one, i thought.
And then..
There comes the moment
When i've gotta get through that;
6700 miles, 5 hours of time difference.
Sleeping when he's awake, doing things while he's asleep. Sleepless nights. Bad bad signal connection. Phone call. Video call. Chats. Pictures. Voice notes. Singing song. Sleepy face. Love letter. Postcards. Emails. Everything. I've done it all.
And let me tell you it wasn't easy at all. How could you build trust without real convo, without looking at his eyes, to really tell that he's saying the truth? How could you feel comfortable with that person without having his physical presence around you?
Now we're living in the same GMT +7 area but it doesn't mean things get easier.
I would never think i could ever do this without him. He's more than i'd ever thought he was. He's such an incredible man not only because he's super brainy (and nerdy and geeky and everything that follows in one package but i totally love!!!) and ultimate kind, but because he rains me with endless patience like i actually never deserve; little he knows that it has helped me to grow, a lot. I gave up easily but he never made that as a choice. It's wonderful how we both try to meet halfway, though we have huge huge ego. He knows exactly what he wants and so do i, but we try to compromise a lot; or according to him, it's to 'sort and shift'. It's amazing how we can talk about anything, from science to politics, and it leaves me in awe that most of the time we share the same value over things, and even if we argue, we never dabate to win our arguments but to get the finest understanding instead.
Thank you, Fin. You know how i feel about you. My feelings to you grow incredibly even after i know that you're not perfect and our relationship is not perfect, because i ain't perfect too so we have a lot of space to grow together. May the fourth be with us ❤️
And then..
There comes the moment
When i've gotta get through that;
6700 miles, 5 hours of time difference.
Sleeping when he's awake, doing things while he's asleep. Sleepless nights. Bad bad signal connection. Phone call. Video call. Chats. Pictures. Voice notes. Singing song. Sleepy face. Love letter. Postcards. Emails. Everything. I've done it all.
And let me tell you it wasn't easy at all. How could you build trust without real convo, without looking at his eyes, to really tell that he's saying the truth? How could you feel comfortable with that person without having his physical presence around you?
Now we're living in the same GMT +7 area but it doesn't mean things get easier.
I would never think i could ever do this without him. He's more than i'd ever thought he was. He's such an incredible man not only because he's super brainy (and nerdy and geeky and everything that follows in one package but i totally love!!!) and ultimate kind, but because he rains me with endless patience like i actually never deserve; little he knows that it has helped me to grow, a lot. I gave up easily but he never made that as a choice. It's wonderful how we both try to meet halfway, though we have huge huge ego. He knows exactly what he wants and so do i, but we try to compromise a lot; or according to him, it's to 'sort and shift'. It's amazing how we can talk about anything, from science to politics, and it leaves me in awe that most of the time we share the same value over things, and even if we argue, we never dabate to win our arguments but to get the finest understanding instead.
Thank you, Fin. You know how i feel about you. My feelings to you grow incredibly even after i know that you're not perfect and our relationship is not perfect, because i ain't perfect too so we have a lot of space to grow together. May the fourth be with us ❤️
Friday, May 6, 2016
Peds dept.
paediatric dept was one of the most exhausting yet the most exciting at the same time. children go unstable unbelievably easily. tight monitoring on the night shift was terribble (which happened pretty often, like every single night of our night shifts), made us lack of sleep & become crancky in the morning. early morning report & daily duties forced us to be awake in the noon. we went home to take a loooong sleep just to wake up in the morning with the exact same routine. and in the midst of that, we need to study, a lot.
day to day, we saw them got better gradually, the happiness that was drawn visibly on their parents' faces, that oh-so-happy-and-relieved face to know that they could go home today, and actually, it felt like family. the community got bigger and stronger (and nicer, and warmer, and kinder, and anything like a home in a hospital).
there were also the days when the kids got worse. we need to rescucitate them, we didn't sleep to make sure they didn't forget to breath, we checked them every 15 minutes to finally found them died few hours later. the cries were devastating. the parents went mad. and we, the ones who checked on them for times were in silence. it was like 'he was with me an hour ago. and now he's gone?'.
the hospital i was in, was quite big. there were kids with HIV +, congenital heart disease, other congenital anomaly, kidney disease, terrible infections, and cancer, lots of it. they went back and forth to the hospital, left their school, missed their friends, couldn't play outsite and forgot what it feels to be under the sun and the rain. they cried at times, they were tired, frustrated, bored, and in pain. the moment when we tried to comfort them were the moment that made them cried worse because they're afraid of those who wears white coat.
but to be honest, in spite of the LOTS of works in peds (and i meant A LOT), it was one of the most rewarding dept i've ever been on. the instant gratification we got from the kids and the parents were wonderful. when the kids got sick, it's quite pricey, the parents can't go to work, the kids can't go to school, and the family stick around the hospital bed. it's unhealthy even for the parents' wellbeing. so whenever we told them that their kids had got better, they couldnt hide their smiles. and when we finally told them that they could go home today, they were beyond happy. the way they thanked us was incredibly rewarding. in the other hand, the doctors (paediatricians) put a lot of commitment to stay update with the latest treatment and technology so their patients can get the best possible service they could ever get. with that kind of work and that kind of reward, i felt something that i couldn't get from any other department.
it's always been a pleasure to do what i love and love what i do :)
P.s.: wrote this because i was on tears reading Humans of New York Page, talking about Paeditric Cancer. made me remember about all of those. :')
day to day, we saw them got better gradually, the happiness that was drawn visibly on their parents' faces, that oh-so-happy-and-relieved face to know that they could go home today, and actually, it felt like family. the community got bigger and stronger (and nicer, and warmer, and kinder, and anything like a home in a hospital).
there were also the days when the kids got worse. we need to rescucitate them, we didn't sleep to make sure they didn't forget to breath, we checked them every 15 minutes to finally found them died few hours later. the cries were devastating. the parents went mad. and we, the ones who checked on them for times were in silence. it was like 'he was with me an hour ago. and now he's gone?'.
the hospital i was in, was quite big. there were kids with HIV +, congenital heart disease, other congenital anomaly, kidney disease, terrible infections, and cancer, lots of it. they went back and forth to the hospital, left their school, missed their friends, couldn't play outsite and forgot what it feels to be under the sun and the rain. they cried at times, they were tired, frustrated, bored, and in pain. the moment when we tried to comfort them were the moment that made them cried worse because they're afraid of those who wears white coat.
but to be honest, in spite of the LOTS of works in peds (and i meant A LOT), it was one of the most rewarding dept i've ever been on. the instant gratification we got from the kids and the parents were wonderful. when the kids got sick, it's quite pricey, the parents can't go to work, the kids can't go to school, and the family stick around the hospital bed. it's unhealthy even for the parents' wellbeing. so whenever we told them that their kids had got better, they couldnt hide their smiles. and when we finally told them that they could go home today, they were beyond happy. the way they thanked us was incredibly rewarding. in the other hand, the doctors (paediatricians) put a lot of commitment to stay update with the latest treatment and technology so their patients can get the best possible service they could ever get. with that kind of work and that kind of reward, i felt something that i couldn't get from any other department.
it's always been a pleasure to do what i love and love what i do :)
P.s.: wrote this because i was on tears reading Humans of New York Page, talking about Paeditric Cancer. made me remember about all of those. :')
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