let go

i learn in a hard way that sometimes we have to let it go.
let things go as the fate plays the scene.

sometimes i let go a loved one for another one, for who i am that seems dont deserve him, for my own dreams, for my own ego, for my future maps, for a distance, for a complicated connecting line, for ...

to be truth, im tired. im not good in relationship, i must admit. i just thought that my life is too short to be spent with the wrong ones. so go get married, nin, no?

but it's not only about relationship, that things may not turn out as we wanted it to be. sometimes we have kind of dreams, we've worked hard, but we failed to touch the finish line. sometimes, we've had a solid schedule of happiness to-do-list; a list of activities that makes us happy during the day. but who knows, a person would come into us, throws an anger in a sudden, then the negativity radiates to us. andwhat if it's not only a person, but a bunch of people that do a thing and just accidentally hurt us. physically or mentally.

in my senior year, whenever i was sad, i would study 'cs i knew medical school awaited. but now.. well.

just suck it up, dude.

welcome, fourth semester!

"dulu waktu SMA, bisa aja nggak suka sama pelajarannya, nggak suka sama gurunya, banyak main, banyak drama. tapi sekarang, aku dan orang-orang lain milih jurusan karena emang suka. dan apa ya.. kuliahnya nyenengin sih. aku suka. jadi rasanya nggak ada alesan untuk nggak strive for the best, whatever it takes. kita udah milih sendiri apa yang paling kita suka, dan pelajarannya nyenengin, kok. udah gede juga, harus udah mulai tanggung jawab sama pilihan kita masing-masing" -- best friend talking about how people can academically raise so much in college.

aku juga nggak boleh kalah!:D welcome fourth semester!

days off

"If the appropriate exposure does not happen, the pathways developed in anticipation may be discarded. This is sometimes referred to as the concept of "use it or lose it." It is through these processes of creating, strengthening, and discarding synapses that our brains adapt to our unique environment."

i read the concept about 'use it or lose it' for the first time in a novel 'sloppy first'. the thing i love about foreign novel was that the writer seemed to have a kind of research. and i kind of believe in that thing ever since.

this holiday, im trying to make a good habit so the brain can work automatically afterward. im trying to be more discipline, to manage my time way much more effectively. 

let's say i have 20 days off. the first 2 days were for campus something. the next 4 days were for holiday with family. the next 7 days were for lovely ones and works (ai magz, MC team, and all). and the next 7 days will be for another holiday with sandy in Jakarta. 

i try to manage my time really really well. i try my best to not waste a bit, well i even wasted my time but i keep it less. i try to make myself busy, to read books, to do works, to surround myself with good people and all. i try myself to make such a good habit, ;cause if i dont use it, i will lose it.

you know, when we're being teenagers, the neurons are making their ways to connect to each others. and some says it will be permanent.that's why build a character, a habit, a way of thinking, is important when we're young. making mistakes is necessary at this time. we learn. if we fall hard at this time, then managed to bounce back harder, be stronger than ever, we would have the memory of being strong. and as the stressor comes up again, the memory would have managed our brain to do the same, or even better, if we had learnt much.and the case i remember in the foreign novel i read, is that: try to love as much as you can. bcs what if you grow up and your brain stops making a memory about love so you coulnt recognize love? so be selective on the things you absorb and dont be afraid of failing. it surely makes you wiser 'cs you learn much better than who arent.

i believe that in this teenage years, we're all seen as a bomb that could explode anytime we could. parents are so much aware of that. but if it's really needed, just explode once, or twice. because we will lose our rights to explode once we get into adulthood. kya!!! not.

so then, i promise myself, i would learn as much as i can, i would do such hard work to chase my dreams, to leave my comfort zone, to grow better, and if i ever fail i will bounce back higher.

to get closer to Allah.

ameen.

february means..

February means lovey dovey post... doesnt it?
well, i didnt plan to have another lovey dovey post on my blog, but there's a thing that keeps me discussing with few friends of mine, lately.

soulmate.

i do believe in fate. i do. but we girls, in the second year of college, with few friends of mine that had married,   will eventually have this kind of anxiety. soulmate.

i know at this very moment i've got a boyfriend, a very good one, i must admit. but you know, we don't know how life would treat us in the next second. we cant predict what future would give us. we just cant.

well, every relationship will have differences between two. it's something inside us that makes us dynamically change for each other. but there will be few things that makes us stop changing. that few things that we dont know when it will come, or it just wont come so the relationship's saved until the very last second.

and sometimes, heart can play around too. it can change its feelings, too, unexpectedly. scary, isnt it?


and i promise, i will let my heart choose and be chosen.

“Pada akhirnya nanti, semua pasti akan berjodoh pada pasangannya masing-masing..
Tak perlu takut, tak perlu khawatir. Semua sudah diatur olehNya…
Karena apa yang tidak ditakdirkan untuk menimpamu, semudah apapun jalannya, tidak akan pernah menjadi milikmu…
Pun juga sebaliknya…
Apa yang ditakdirkan bagimu, sesulit apapun kelihatannya, sesukar apapun jalannya, semustahil apapun itu, pasti tetap akan terjadi padamu..
Dan yakinlah, Allah itu selalu dan pasti akan memberikan yang terbaik untuk hambaNya..
:)”---  Sasha, 20 tahun, sudah menikah.

2012 mash up

well, in the end of 2012, in the very end, 11 pm, im starting to remember back what this year has given to me. spending the night from cinema, listening to good music, writing this.

i had the best birthday surprises ever in my life. friends came up at 00, cooldvideos and surprises from best friends, loads of gifts from family. everyone whispered wishes to me. i'm blessed!!! so much:)

i learnt in such a hard way that.. people come and go as... the life wants to. that's just how life treat us. would it feel good if we carry a huge bag with lots of rocks that finally hurts? no, it wouldnt. let it go.
i finally could understand how two lovers cant be together, how good friends separated, how leaves finally fall down..
i still cant forgive. it's hard to forgive. what hurts will remain as a weapon to me, i pretty much hate it. but.. i finally dont have to cry in a smile. i let it be.

there were some major ups and downs during this year. and i'm glad i've survived it. :)

i found a huge hobby called writing fiction. i finally embraced it. made fictionframe.tumblr.com to throw all the fantasies in my mind. so sad that December too much near realities i couldn't even escape. i'm so happy to hear the feedback, really. but i don't wanna hurt my writings. i couldn't be discipline in writings; that's why i didnt take literature as my major. that's the answer you need, Nin.. right?:)

i finally redecorate my bedroom as i've been dreaming about. since 3-5 years ago, i kept changing things, but  never really liked it until this very second. all pretty. i made few minor decoration, and thought about having major in interior design or anything about design... then... i got bored doing it.. that's why, Nin.. got it?:)

got into few organizations in campus, made some events, met awesome friends in campus. all happy. found a family here in medschool. ilooooooveeeemycampuslife!!!!!!!!! love my campusssssss!!!<3

as i've been written, my dreams had been scattered. do i really like medicine? is this my dream?
quoted from one of my friends:
"kenapa sekolah disini? kalo disana kan kamu udah mau lulus.."
"impian,Nin.."
"waaa.. tapi disana sama disini enakan mana belajarnya?"
"enakan disana lah.."
"terus kal enakan disana kenapa tetep milih disini?"
"ngejar impian.."
yap. chasing dreams isn't luxurious at all. isn't all about blink and shines. it's about dragging yourself to a war, fight from anything conquer to finally go to another dreams. that's living a dream. not to be in your comfort zone telling yourself: well this is a dream comes true. im happy.
it may hurt but it will eventually worth it. believe me:)

and lovey dovey thingie. i got close to few guys, to finally be thankful of having this guy. he has been there for the last 3 years. the most supportive one. i was mad at him, stop talked to him, ignored him so much, but still, he was there. told everyone that guys are grey but then my male friend told me.. "you are the one that in a grey line. you're neither black nor white. you're always in the middle. how could people be clear about you when you aren't even clear about yourself?" .....yes, i am.
and in that foggy grayish mind of mine, he was still there dragging me to a fairer zone. thankyou. :)



i love you, Allah. for all the lessons, all the chapters you've given to me during the 2012. i love you for the bad and good things you've been given to me until this very last second. alhamdulillah.....

happy new year!! wish 2013 brings us the greatest bless in life, wish all the dreams come true, all the goals are achieved and wish it will surprise us along the way, will shape us in a kind of any betterment. amin.

new year resolution:

1. ibadah makin baik, makin dekat dengan Allah
2. makin menunjukkan bentuk kasih sayang dan tanggung jawab pada keluarga
3. IP minimal 3.75
4. membaca minimal 12 buku. menyelesaikannya. membuat sinopsis dan ratingnya.
5. menyelesaikan seluruh tanggung jawab 2013 dengan baik; organisasi, event, akademik
6. bisa main piano (nah nah nah!!!)
7. bisa nyetir ke solo (dudududu~~)
8. bisa masak ninimal 4 masakan rumah
9. launch project pribadi.
10. hidup sehat: olah raga teratur, makan makanan sehat, minum air putih 1.5 liter per day.

December never felt so wrong

now playing: Winter Song - Sara Bareilles

i've been longing for December. i love December since i knew the names of months. i always love the holiday scent, chirstmas decoration, winter, snow, hot choco, marshmallow, gift, family time, lovey dovey things, spirit, happiness and all the things that's connected with December.

thanks for the tv, movie, pictures on tumblr, etcetc which introduced me with this kind of joy; that living the day in this month could be so much relaxing.. no matter what happens, i'll always be remembering myself that this is December, all the things can turn bad but i have to remain happy 'cause December is like an iceberg, slowly melt and then we could only see the pictures of it. 

starting this month with a bunch of exams preparation. thankful for whatever God will give me this block:-) then my brother's marriage, then now. but you know, things get.... idk. i get the busiest schedule this month. it's kinda sad but i have to take my responsibility. name it: pemira, uhc, magang bem hublu, isc, MC team cimsa... all came up to me in a month. but beyond it all, i'm thankful for the trust people had given to me... it feels really really good for finally work on something again. 

i will not say that December is such a perfect month. there was a weekend when i was soo sad that i couldn't sleep. i only cried, listened to sad songs, felt miserable, read self helping articles on web, watched a sad movie.. until i felt asleep in the morning about 7 am.

but i think i need that point. to get back on my track, to realize few things i'd been ignored, to do some betterment, to stand still on my own feet, to get clearer vision of mine. to hug back what's been left. 

i'm trying to stick hardder on my schedule i've made. i found lately that i often forgot some important to-do-list points and it ruined the other day, ruined the result.

just found out that i really love dr.House, and soooooo sad about the final season of Gossip girls and grey's anatomy. they are all my heroes during the hard times, during the boredom since i was soooooo young (now im 18, remember?:p) they are legend!!!!!!! what's the next legend,anw? i personally cant find myself love How I Met Your Mother, but i love the quotes anw.:p

well, happy holiday, Peeps! it's a joyful month. live it!

anw, i don't have any plan for new year's eve. who's with me?._.

who doesnt love them all?

adult bucket list!!

 walking down on the street, seeing lights everywhere, snowy day, December..

adult bucket list!!!!

going to disneyland on holiday

teenage bucket list

starbucks holiday season. or any kind of coffeeshop. with christmas decoration.

weekly dose of inspiration

To work as hard as possible, and then, when you think you’re done, to work just a little bit harder. To know that if it feels “right” it may actually be completely wrong, and that if it feels “wrong” it may be completely right. There’s no governing principle to any of this except that strange instinct and feeling within yourself that you simply have to learn to trust, but which is always unreliably changing. To create something for people who have not been born yet. To pay attention to how it actually feels to be alive, to the lies you tell yourself and others. Not to overreach—but also not to get too comfortable with your own work. To avoid giving in to either self-doubt or self-confidence, depending on your leaning, and especially to resist giving over your opinion of yourself to others—which means not to seek fame or recognition, which can restrain rather than open your possibility for artistic development. With all this in mind, not to expect anything and to be grateful for any true, non-exploitative opportunity that presents itself, however modest. And to understand that being able to say “I don’t know what to do with my life” is an incredible privilege that 99% of the rest of the world will never enjoy.

Oh god, I would wish a better fate on you, first of all. I think the thing to do is to make things. There was a writer who came to my high school and gave a lecture and said, “A lot of people say they’re writers, but not everybody is actually writing.” I always remembered that. Keep making things. Keep writing, and don’t be precious about what you write—just continue to write. Instead of sitting around and perfecting one play, or one story, just keep making more and more. Also, try to put stuff on its feet—if it’s a play, grab your friends and put it up. Do a reading or a full production of it. Work on someone else’s play—be an actor, or do the lights. Just be around people who are making things. Being surrounded by other people who are also doing theater is so important—when you see how actors work, and how directors work, and what dramatic writing looks and sounds like when it’s performed, you’ll start to become a better writer.

It was exhausting, but it was the kind of exhaustion that feeds you and makes you strong.

Well, that life is a lot more serious and shorter than it seems like it will be. And that you can easily waste it. And that happiness is overrated. Be kind. This said—and I can’t talk about the rest of the world—but I’d say that you’re a member of the first generation of modern Americans whom I consider genuine, ready-made citizens. And by that I mean America has essentially exited its protracted national adolescence (approximately the 1920s through the 1980s, with the 1960s being the apex and the baby-boomer presidencies of Clinton and Bush as the hangover) and as a nation we’re at something of a deciding moment of anxious self-awareness, both as to where we’ve been drawing our resources and from what and how we’ve been weaving our moral fabric.